# By the hour or week or . # Well , I , I go down there like eight , nine times a year . # I get about as pissed as a bloke can . # you could go to an area for the rest of your life and still not see any fighting . # Oh I go to Soho and China Town and that and I've never seen any trouble , the only time I actually saw a . # Yeah . # . # Is it ? # It's always been rough place # Been there for a start so it must be a rough place . # It's not a stitch up . # Trying to find . # if you draw that much to it , you'll be entitled to wipe your bit off , not got to worry about it . # You don't have to tell his why doing it , but he has to tell you afterwards . # If somebody , he tapes somebody and they draw exception to it , say right , tell them I don't want to be taped . # No , it's entirely anonymous all they're trying to do is find out how people speak . # That's what they want , as they're doing a dictionary . # . # Well what they're doing is that . # Right guys , I'm gonna need a hand on this one anybody ? # Need a hand . # Just to do that . # Quiet on this section at the moment in it ? # must be the quietest time of day for us . # That and dinner . # I'll turn it off dinner time , don't want to hear the sound of Chris's snoring . # What time is it ? # Oh right , we can go out . # What's it made off this snuff ? # Goes get's a little shop in , it's an old form of . # What ? # No , I'm not suppose to , really . # I think I will ,list of all the names and that . # My god , there's tins out there stew . # Why the fuck are you using them ? # Fair enough . # They've already done that already . # A by the side of it , are . # I had it , had it recording last night . # And er the cats started playing with the microphone pushing it about , , you can actually hear the cat playing . # my cat . # Gravy . # This little ginger one of ours , he's , he's a terrier , me uncle looked after a Staff a Staff Bull Terrier and er his name's Winston and he immediately walked through there as if he owns it , you know , the way they do . # And he scoffed all ginger's grub # to the bathroom , you know , expecting a big welcome and there's ginger lying there , he's only about ooh of five inches long and he's only about , weighs less than a , immediately he's backs arched and he's hissing away there , his tail came up like you know # and er he stood there and old Winston's trying to sniff him ,giving it all the hissing , eventually has gone ?like this and . # Dog sort of stood there and looked at you know , he didn't know where to put himself , let him , eventually he , he's sort of , you can see it on his face did that , fucking thing keep away from me . # Stopped on . # Say don't let it me near ,I don't want anything to do with it . # Oh he's an engineer and he don't fucking know nothing . # Doesn't really matter does it ? # What he drink . # Him , . # You're getting far too cheeky . # Oh fucking stand for that . # . # It's alright , still legible . # What happen was we was standing this jeweller's , well really we'd been there , she half the stuff for me and er other people and that , but erm , were standing there for ages , and she come , I'm , I'm sort of standing there like this up against the counter waiting to be served , suppose to be coming back right , stood right on the foot , it hurt , but I thought ok it's a busy shop he won't so I'd turned around , sort of he was there , so I sort of went to him like that and he was looked at me and fucking looked back , so I said are you gonna apologise then , getting right fucking pissed off cos I about three o'clock that day , hang over and being dragged up and down the town all fucking day ain't my idea of fun you know ,ri right in a bad mood anyway , and he said no in a real fucking why don't you try and make me sort of attitude , so I'm just about to fucking say something to me , like , how out the shop and everything , and she said what's the fuck , what's the matter with you then ? # I said well that cunt stood on my foot , she said so ,move out I said what about good manners then . # Would of been right , you know would have been a nightmare ,expected to all over the place . # But if somebody said to me shop , alright you don't flare up face you flare up with them for not fucking apologising . # Me sort of , I said you gonna apologise then ? # He sort of said , sort of went no , so I went don't fucking apologise me you shit and all this sort of stuff right . # So I I fucking get it right , say something , I was right pissed off by this time , next , I , I , I stood out and step forward fucking get closer sort of thing and say something and that was it , . # Makes me look a right cunt dragging me out of the shop let alone . # , oh I hate shopping , I had a massive hang over , right piss up the night before ,Sunday . # Sunday , I , I was up ladder cutting the trees down # Oh , right , we row , we lucky we've got a row of trees all the way along the back fence like , and in the summer when all the foliage makes quite a nice barrier for the noise and sound and stuff , but what were trying to do is to stop them from , were trying to make them spread out # the right way to do that is crop them , don't ya ? # So there's me and a mate up a ladder with chain saws and that nearly all day yesterday , good fun actually . # Give me a fucking chain saw in me hand I'm well away , love it . # They're not , they're not big trees or nothing so I mean there was , it was only a , like one of these small power chain saws ,one hand sort of thing , grab hold of it like that , there was nothing , no really big branches , were only cutting the tops off . # We , we did trim them a bit around the sides , they were quite big , you know , . # Erm , I don't know really , Oak , Sycamore a mixture . # trees . # .got a couple of Oak tree's , there in the corner you've got , cos our fence you've got that , my house is there right ,road down like that and you've got a fencing , it goes like that and with got trees all around it . # And they're and they're , we've got Oak , big Oak trees that have started to get quite big now as they will and the rest is all a mixture of Horse , Horse Chestnut and Sycamore and couple of other like things in there . # A couple of times we had big branch and stuff . # You know good fun , love , love having a hand and chain saw . # We , we hired one of these little ones , we did get a bigger for the , only cost us fifteen quid to hire three chain saws for the day . # That was the , erm , the tool hire shop in , in North Camp . # it's alright . # You pay for your own petrol and stuff . # Oh yeah , yeah . # Might go . # Not got a hang over or nothing . # Still . # I've been as fucking sober as a Judge since Friday night . # Yeah , I only go out drinking now once a week so I think I make the most of it , can't remember anything I did Friday night again . # No I don't know whether it's true or not I don't know whether they're fucking trouble is it sounds like the sort of thing I do , is we parked in the multi storey car park in Guildon . # Parked in the multi storey car park in Guildon and were walking along and like there's all this , you go down to the ground floor and then you've got the first and second and er you can get to the first floor where it's like the first floor the first floor is just above sort of street level # but , with , with this walk down into this , this dip so I had to get underneath and I said where'd you park ? and he said the second floor taking the piss , so apparently three of his other mates who were well dressed up as well , and he , he said race ya , so I started off fucking , so he , he started off running through the thing right , cos said race yeah , he went , apparently I just climbed up the outside of the building climbed up two fucking flights of floors , you know , I can't remember anything about it though . # You see I can't remember if they're if they're pulling my plonker or not , but that is the sort of thing I do , but I can't remember anything about it . # The only trouble is I did have quite , well it's easy though that's the thing it's just like a , it's just a multi storey car park , so it's quite easy , and you , you know you can get strong when you're pissed don't you , like # yeah but I mean , I it , I when I'm fucking pissed , I can't sober , that's why I probably think they're , they're not pulling a plonker cos I've done that sort of thing in the past had me fucking climbing on bikes , swinging off the side of the building . # See I never know whether they're pulling , pulling a plonker or not you know , that's the real , like I said I can't remember doing it , but , I wouldn't put it pass myself and I fucking get stupid , I don't get aggressive or anything I just get stupid , you know , I do shit like that . # I've nicked bus stop signs , fucking road signs and stuff , I just get stupid , that's if I get that pissed , I mean I probably talking of , talking of fucking all most not knowing you're right name sort of pissed . # That's the thing ,apparent apparently I couldn't even walk straight , and yet there's me fucking climbing up the outside of a building , which to me sounds about right . # God knows how I didn't kill myself and the sheer of the whole thing was , it wasn't even on the second floor , it was on the ground floor , they were just pulling a . # Cos I count . # But norm nine times out of ten you went the inside of it . # Well I , see , if , my memory # Well , my , my memory right , you go down into , into like a , the ground floor and the top of the , like the bottom of the next floor is about that sort of height , but there is a wall up there sort of thing , which erm , I , I must , which you could probably get on . # So what they says is that I , I got on at this wall , jumped across onto this other wall , shinned up the outside of this other wall , stood on top of this the first floor wall and jumped up and caught hold of the top of the second floor wall and he reckon in the la about fucking twenty odd seconds , I was up and over and in , they , they , they fucking kill yourself , get down , I can't remember none of it . # The on the only thing I can remember is running after the car . # Well I don't know . # Yeah , probably , me and this other mate he'd a , did a , I can , I can remember him saying something about I'll race yeah , it , like I remember just remember him , me and him run running down ramps and stuff trying to get back down to the ground floor , so . # Actually sometimes I'm pretty glad I don't remember things like that . # You can see why I was in such a bad mood Saturday cos if I'd drunk that much Friday night you can imagine what sort of a hang over I had . # I mean we got up about nine o'clock as well . # but er I'd meet up in town and our house like twenty past nine , half past , get , get , get the bit of shopping done before the fucking crowds I might off wasted me time , we got in there about ten o'clock ,right old day . # By fucking half past ten it's , it's well busy , it's so packed . # I bet you hate it when the glue goes hard . # That's the only thing with bonding . # When you're fucking pissed out does compare to lot of them taking sister up to er Black you know . # The thing is the said to me she said , oh were going out in style and have a drink , had a really nice sandwich there like , it was french loaf about that bit , get nice home cooked lot's of cheese and onion right , really nice . # Fucking dangling . # eat sort of thing . # We eventually got in there about coming up to half past two # so I mean I'd been dying for this pint all , all day sort of thing , I felt much better after that . # Yes that right , yeah , and that was the start of this erm # I said I was myself but , but what get's me is people stand there chat , I mean your walking behind them and then all of a sudden there just stop dead , and you must be carry on walking oh god there's about twenty of them there blocking the fucking isle # and you've got to try and get round them , oh god , there's about six thousand trying to do the same thing . # I'll tell you what my idea of hell is going Christmas shopping with them . # and then you've got women all round the worse one's are the women with the kiddies in the pushchair ,and you've got to go round and you . # . # Don't . # brown bread . # Go on your own . # right . # . # A what ? # Oh yeah . # Yeah , oh he's well in love . # Mm , definite marriage case . # I don't know how , I don't know how they can stand to be apart . # Ah ? # What . # Tin , tin , tin , tin all his in the store , eaten all the fishes in the poor old master's # . # in my can not see ,with me # there was Chris , Chris trying to take the piss in the there was Chris , Chris gonna take the piss in the , my eyes looked in my can of , I have no with my , I have no not a , trying to make ya # He says that really well there actually . # Same dozy kind of voice . # Is he ? # I threw that actually and I didn't . # Can't help it I I'm such a give away when things like that are happening . # They haven't covered it yet , are they going to ? # making up cash . # petty cash . # I can't imagine who suggested it . # Give him a little plastic clock . # Yours is in a right fucking state . # He would be impressed . # What ? # See what ? # He would you know . # playing around with # Oh you broke it Barry . # No . # We're making a , making a we're making a collection for Mr # Oh sod # I ain't used to her voice # Who's got money ? # . You can see it now can't you ? # Farewell day he's gonna give his farewell speech , thank you for your generous donation . # I really needed these two nuts and bolts for for a chair I'm making at home . # No , . # Director of B S G . # No actually 's not the top dog is he ? # No . # Actually I'm not sure # Yes but they can't get rid of you as a shareholder . # Yeah but they can't sack you . # But if you are a shareholder they can sack you . # What have you got to do then ? # Well you come over here for ? # Stuart , can you come and ? # Cheers . # You dozy git . # Oh I don't believe this . # An innocent onlooker and I get fucking # That ain't gonna . # Boring now innit ? # Eh ? # Can't even what ? # After what ? # It's gotta be you that puts them on you . # What , what a singing voice ? # Actually it's about time I had a cup of tea . # I haven't had one yet . # Eh ? # No . # Not I . # Who ripped the er rubber bands off this ? # Right , I'm going to get a cup of rosie . # Better not get messy though cos # It's alright all over me desk . # Carry what around ? # Oh right ,yeah . # She hasn't come round here yet though has she ? # Yeah , that's right . # Okay lads , money . # She'll say no thank you . # It's alright it's alright I've got a couple thanks . # Yeah I've only got change . # I've only got a note I'm sorry . # Think I might put in a note actually . # That's nice . # Oh god here it comes . # Oh look they're gonna miss out on it . # Last day . # second oh I paid him back with Mark's fifty pence . # Yeah , righto . # a token in # You're not gonna if you're not wanted . # I can see you're really pained by that . # Oh my life , here's Richard . # Hello Rich . # How do Richie ? # Yeah . # That's fair enough innit . # Yeah , that's fair enough . # Come on Rich . # Put up or shut up . # I might as well just save my pound and give it to whoever fucking wins that thing cos I've never won it . # Graham reckons Sid's won it so I might be the only bloke who hasn't won it yet . # Yeah but Jonesy ain't here you cunt so it's only me . # Do you hear that ? # Thirteen pound fifty two they've got out of nine hundred people . # I know . # Apparently Sid or somebody put a fiver in . # Did really , he pissed in it . # That's probably what they're gonna think anyway . # Nine hundred people she brings back thirteen fifty two . # They're gonna say hold on where's the rest of it # Yeah you're not the only one . # I do need a job old boy . # Forty minutes . # That's your er well , what's that doing there ? # Oh who's oh your dirty ! # Yeah . # Stay there . # Stay there . # No problem . # I wouldn't live in France if you paid me . # That's why I couldn't live there cos I'd be fucking , I'd be every night . # Good sport . # Let's have your # Oy . # Is this definitely on for next Friday ? # I see him throw it . # Stuart ! # Oh no , that's cruel . # Where's my erm ? # Cheers skanky # Skanky . # Where do you learn that then Graham ? # You actually took German then ? # You didn't pick it up in Germany when ? # That must be kids innit ? # Yes # None . # I only got that cos kindergarten . # That's my father's name ?car . # Oh . # Silver . # Merde . # That's who this is for actually it's Longman's . # They're the the people who do the the tapes and stuff for French and German and stuff like that . # But it's it's also going to the Oxford English Dictionary , cos what they want # It's all for the Oxford English Dictionary . # What they want is everyday talk . # So they're gonna listen to Rumbold speak and think oh my god . # Oxford English Dictionary . # So , so I said they're , they're # They're trying to make a dictionary up for everyday language , that everybody uses . # So rather than # Twenty five quid . # Gift voucher . # They're , they're , they're put well , they're supposed to be putting swear words in it , stuff like that you know so They they just want ordinary common or garden speech cos basically to help sort of like English students actually coming to this country you know ? # They hear sort of rhyming slang and things like this and they think my god what's he on about . # And I suppose their slang version to gonna help out other people . # Scrape the scalpel out . # That's right I do apologize . # You gonna clean my board ? # Oh , you nancy . # Even when you're working . # Cos you don't do any work . # Cos you got clean hands . # What time is it ? # Still getting still getting # They're still getting a go at college aren't they ? # Old didn't believe me when I said this afternoon . # Will he be thinking of us when he spends his gold mancho that's what he'll get . # Will he still be thinking about us poor working , no I don't think so . # What do you think the public are still # how you feel then , if I put you on . # A paint party , , we can all sit around and sniff paint . # Only , we didn't have any gloss # and a brush and they supply the and that's it , you pay and get pissed at the same time . # No , its not being in concert , that Jason , that something being taken for years , it must of been , Jason or whatever he's name is . # Jack , he must of been painted for years , he's been on ship . # Have you ever seen the real Jackson # I don't go places like that # Last time I went to the was the school one # Well that , it probably is . # All you have to do is get one mug buy it , too buy it , he's made ain't he , ah ? # I mean see why they call people like Constable , Rembrandt a great artist # About Picasso a great artist # Its just crap # Oh who's that geezer who's just started who used to paint , can' think of the pop artist , Andy # I think that's a load of shit , half of his stuff , I mean they're , they're good reproductions , tin of Heinz Bake Beans but any monkey can fucking do that charge fifty grand for it or whatever they charged for it The ones I've always liked is erm , I dunno if you've ever seen any ,Ed , Edward Lanzear used to paint a lot of er Queen Victoria used to do er animal paintings . # Really fucking and her some of the Dutch masters Franz Hells and er # but , sort of like er , erm its like so , some of those paintings of the wraps and beautiful boat , they look as if they've just been photographed , they looked as if they're a photograph not a oil , oil painting . # There's # What you doing ? # Times hard , thought of all days , thought the old lady still wouldn't let me of the old erm # she wouldn't ,good this week I've managed , I've managed to get the bottle today thought . # No , no , that is , that is true probably , yeah , this is true # Yeah I have switched off . # No , I have , I've got it , its out in the car # Do , do , do , do you the place ? # What ? # Which girl # What an inspection ? # I dunno , I dunno who she's going out with , but I've seen her , I've seen her in the car in the morning when I , like this morning I was walking in , she was in the car just getting the old , but I don't know if he works here or not , she's got to be going out with somebody . # I dunno # I don't stare at people then # To # Say oh Bob , how's it going ? # Bob , how's it going ? # It sounds terrible saying that . # My mum went to see that with my aunty , she said they both come out of there and they were wetting themselves , well # Is it Airplane II ? # I think they showed that one Christmas or something and were watching something else and we turned over and the instant we turned over , this girl wobbled across the screen , and my mum straight away switched it back on the other side me and me brothers right in the other room watching there . # there , # I mean we , we keep telling the old man to book the weekend holiday so we can have outrageous parties and things like that . # I think the old man's a bit afraid to go into hospital , I know that he's afraid obviously cos of the , the , this open heart surgery sort of thing but er , he's also afraid that , he thinks were gonna have er such outrageous parties down the close and were gonna be open all night and things like that . # Well even if you do you'd clear out the stuff # Oh yeah # Yeah , its probably cos they've done it all before so , they know , they know what goes on there . # hooligans # every time I ask him too , he says no you ain't allowed a disco out there . # Oh red one , you got one then . # Yeah , it . # Yeah well they've had , they've erm , yeah the pink , the pink ones came in just after I passed mine . # They either drag their feet or # Yeah but its , you gotta try and give them instead of putting the law first , not # man said you got any experience , I said no , I said well you know experience , I felt like saying fucking well how the bloody hell am I supposed to get experience when no one will take me , but I'm , I wasn't really interested in the sales work not quite # fucking great # That could explain a lot actually See old London's Burning last night ? # Yeah they got Bayleaf out , they # yeah # No , no , he's , he's , he's ok , wobbling around on crutches , it was the er , the bloke who got buried alive at they wanted him to go to er former therapy ,go ,slowly cracking up . # Yeah , # # Not going to do you anything to help # There's only , they let . # There was somebody working here called er Julian , he was fucking coming , coming out the pub about half past twelve , coming back in about six o'clock and then working on three # No , really , mind you , its then there was quite a few people working . # Nothing you can do about it # Yeah , to go and work . # Here was that Jaws Three or Four they showed , showed on Saturday night ? # Did they make a three d one ? # No # Does Roy Schneider appear in any more of them after two ? # I never saw them , but I saw the , the clips for it . # What's he going for the world record on , for appearing in most films , or # Its # Zulu was the first bloke weren't it ? # See that last night , he was on telly before that in erm # I can't remember the telly programme he was in something like Budgie it wasn't Budgie though . # I haven't watched many video's recently . # He is though in he ? # Yeah he is , yeah . # to be Michael or something # Oh he goes er # this little girl runs to the he sees god and he can't believe that god looks like Charlton Heston , and you think # He comes up to him and he goes , you're only a trainee , and he goes this is the first time we've ever sent the scum bag back , oh , the scum bag , that's a big strong even if you are god and he , he # No good fucking me you are a # Its not a particularly believable film but its well funny # Yeah , its quite an old film # Yeah , well funny # yeah # Yeah , I , I tell you what as well , er I don't know whether you saw him last night , it was on channel four there's erm ,its called # now that is brilliant , really good , its sort of # Is it ? # Yeah but its Michael # John Hurt # The directly after that on I T V there's Dinosaur , its brilliant # its brilliant , its really good # Dinosaur's . # Yeah its brilliant the puppets are fantastic in that . # Just like the Flintstones they bill it though as I T V's answers to the fucking Simpsons , # that's what the billed it as early in the , early Sunday's , they says in it by er , half past five we have erm I T V's answer to the Simpsons , the Dinosaur's # one year old . # So you thought , you don't watch it then # six months # , you are now being taped for posterity and also its for the English Oxford Dictionary # Yeah . # All these conversations are what they do # Its the , its for the Oxford English Dictionary , its erm , what they're doing is they're making up a Dictionary for just using everyday collocation and they # No , its there's , they're # No , no , they came to my house yeah , bring Oxford Dictionary out , no its gonna be five quid # a day # Twenty . # This is the fifth one , B side # Yep , batteries , tape the whole lot . # No , you don't have too , just do as many as you can . # Yeah , you have to give back what you don't use . # Amazing how people's attitude change towards it when they learn you got # Ah ? # Who ? # Batteries going . # Batteries going . # Yeah , you've got to sign for it . # What do you mean they've left it with me you cheeky little sod # Oh , oh , have you heard about that ? , for a , oh have you heard about that , people are refusing erm the # Yeah , they are what they want is the regional fucking words , like phrases which are particular to your area , like bull shit and the # No , no , you , things like alright , how you doing ? # I mean , in other parts of the country its hi yeah , how are you , alright and hello and stuff like that . # But I mean they get a lot about # Yeah I know that's only cos its been deported down here # Its amazing how you , you came down here , but I mean duck never managed it did he ? # One of me mum's favourite sayings was lover , alright lover , I used to hate that . # That was another one of his songs weren't it , Yes I'm The Great Pretender ? , # do the cover version of it oh Freddie Mercury # that seems to be this situation don't it ? # Well yes I'm The Great Pretender seems to be pretty cos he , he , said he hadn't had , didn't have Aids . # People who knew him , knew he had Aids . # All his closest friends and that # I's , listen , erm , watching that Aids update Friday night and er , there have been five thousand reported cases of Aids out in this country , no three thousand reported Aids out in this , in this country , and in New York alone , New York City alone , there's been fifteen thousand , they reckon there's about thirty four thousand actually carrying H I V just in New York City # I mean , I mean New York is what has , has got a # What ? # Adrian Mole # Is this for English Literature ? # Oh , oh Christ # On the one hand he was # Nose to the grindstone time again I suppose , in a minute . # Take part in a keep going for it . # it's alright though just like the old fashioned pick them up pick them up # See you later . # oi Touch my sort out the Like to think that we can afford something like this . # Right carry on you chaps er we all George , er # Afternoon tramp old boy ! # You're supposed to act natural when the tape's recording , I mean but there again with # with that is a bit of an impossibility innit ! # Being as he's totally unnatural . # They seem to hands down . # Your real mate , Stuart back or what ? # Don't fucking have it ! # Yep Yes . # Which one ? # Eh ? # Like where they've done that yep that it ? # Yeah . # time ! # I think you better # Eh ? # Yeah gangland Mark . # Watcha # Yeah I know , I know . # Yeah . # Yeah Aha ! # Yeah ? # Not bad but that shop they have er , the cheapest . # , it's down Hampton Court twenty four twenty pound for twelves they range from two pound for fifty odd quid . # If I was gonna get one , # Ah oh shit ! # Even have to have the same as one another ! # man I think sooner or later it's gonna become law in this country that we # cyclists must wear them . # Lot of them have since # Since # we've had it since last January # It's law to wear a helmet when you're on the motorway came out last January . # No ! # Come over to my side of the room and have a # Yeah , I'm bringing it in # Yeah . # I mean cycling magazine # But I # It will be made law , soon . # Mate , I # my bike . # We've already thought of that cos my bike # cos my my bike # ends up on the pavement . # Had a hairline fracture of the skull . # Yeah . # I do won't explain your broken nose though Stu , will it ? # See look they can't do it . # Fuck off ! # And then it's your time to do it , that's all . # Better get your old . # I ain't getting a yet . # It's a bad year for # Down here . # Well I've had this before , I was starting printing work or something and then I like . # My brother's one . # Yeah but I don't like might end up a ! # what I mean . # Sod . # going . # You you being a motorcyclist as well as # all of these things the helmets and causes tha that # they would think like that probably the motorcycle and erm for in compulsory helmet wear . # Why not the same for bicycles ? # Kill yourself at five miles an hour in a car I know sounds stupid ! # Yeah I remember that , fucking thing ! # Yeah . # And after that we kept shouting # Rock on ! # And there was Pete's urgh ! # The old see old beautiful legs # He was . # Yeah but what they're doing do thirty or forty then do number six and only that far away from the handle bar . # Chance cos they went out # Particularly on a right of way It's as much your right to drive ar round the way you go I used to # give myself two , at least three foot away from the kerb . # he , don't like he don't like right , I mean I still ain't paid him . # He will do though right let's ride the motorway down . # Let's hope you find it , this time . # On the way home # we'll ride home that way # Gotta do seventy odd , # Hey !what was the last time your old lady ? # We could walk and go and ma put down . # they're always go they're always about that far away the less gotta swerve out to avoid . # Ride . # Just like one of them that's why I pop out about that far away , so # You sell don't you ? # Cos then i I mean a couple of times I've , like I wouldn't # They'll still be is just walk straight in , it's only about eight foot deep so if I'm going forty odd there int a car bonnet . # So if a bloke goes in the back of us er er by the bonnet , caught up with the before we start out what what . # You ought to be . # I don't know what to think parked cars the of a big if I can see a parked car there a long way in front of me I go I am park that car so it # got a long way # you know if there's nothing immediately behind me ,then he knows that I I ain't gonna touch his precious parked car ! # All all this sort of riding off at a # Well I don't know but , you know # As soon as soon as you see a parked car you should be looking to see what's behind its and there's about six policeman behind # If the before I come to go past it he would cut back in and and climb across even if if the next car then back in again you're just going , you start out of line # and the thread bit on I don't do it all the time look you've got half a sense mind half a strong common sense # Yeah but you don't # Yeah exactly ! # No Stuart you come and tell come to tell me police squad I don't think # But we said so # Yeah I was just saying , let them know no where we going then ? # See I I # I don't care ! # Well what are you saying to prevent it ? # Yeah . # Better than my # He did it . # But he can't see it can he , # Better take them back to # We have # bikes to ride home or cars and Stuart . # Alright # I there is a fucking getting killed on motorbike . # I told you twenty times about that ! # The actual cycles # you know . # I would I could . # yeah # Alright yeah , I just want and even fucking arguing ! # Alright . # Oh there ! # Er I mean er by jumping down come down # There's that woman that's the one out of # Yeah that'll be probably be better won't it ? # No them # Yeah alright Oh ! # No we'll # No the old bill probably . # Yeah but I'm talking about going up to the gym . # Who you going up there with ? # Top row behind the . # Is that right ? # Yeah it's not , right , I went down there cos my # Yeah , that's it , yeah it's about three . # Yeah yeah get a bit closer . # Yeah . # Yeah I'll # Yeah . # gotta hand in that bag , It's gone I can't . # How do I know , I'll I don't know if Who's gonna be the other side of the ? # Chr Chr Chris . # He said on the one hand he was agreeing with you , right that i it doesn't matter how good a cyclist you are it's the fucking car drivers , nine times out of ten , that cause the accidents on and then , on the other hand he was saying but I don't see I I can't se ever see myself coming off you know , he's fucking stupid ! # I bet i , I mean I bet he's the sort of cyclist and car driver that gives the rest of us a fucking bad name ! # I if you drive along and a along with the attitude I'm alright , everybody else , fuck them ! # That's a sure fire way of an accident . # I you've gotta fucking drive . # You got # you've gotta drive ah like every other cunt on the road's out to get you . # Tell you what , I notice I'm doing , I never us always used to do it I give fucking ! # Still don't . # If somebody does that to me they're right up my arse and something came like that , or even just on a single carriage road , or anything I'd just touch my brake slightly # Right ? # Right ? # And then I tell you what , and even if they don't do it , I let them fucking stay there ! # I won't the amount of times I've I've been in a car or something , where fucking jump on the brakes ! # That's fucking stupid ! # Alright , it may be there fault , but what happens if he fucking get out of control or then I can I always try and do it now , if somebody wants to act like a cunt , let them ! # Don't try and retaliate cos then if if you retaliate # the chances are he's gonna be even more of a nutter retaliating harder so that gets me . # I nine times # Half a mile , and he was right up my arse and I was going at a far pace # forty miles an hour in a forty zone and he just got , right up my arse , he was obviously somewhere in a hurry somewhere in a hurry , you know ? # I thought , this off he is ! # So I thought , sod you ! # I am not gonna move over and I am going at my own pace , so I slowed down to about twenty miles an hour and it's a road about four miles long and er he just couldn't get past , you know ? # Oh thes er there was oncoming traffic , just couldn't get past and I thought , fuck it ! # You're gonna stop behind me mate and I'm gonna do my own speed and that annoyed him more than anything else that was annoying him . # Because he was annoying me , he was right up my arse ! # No it isn't a battle , but it's not everybody retaliate # So ! # Course they do ! # But doesn't it annoy when somebody's # sitting right up your arse ? # About two foot # away from you ? # That's what I do . # Like I said twenty miles an hour that # That's annoying you but for how long without changing your speed ,I yo you don't # you don't annoy me it annoys them they are the ones who are behind me . # Oh no I I , I find it highly amusing that they're getting fucking flustered behind me . # Oh yeah , that irritates me but , I mean it's gonna it's gonna make them think again innit ? # Well they they don't have to sit right up your arse , on your tail . # Yeah course it fucking would ! # Well there's plenty of things you can do to make them drop back . # Why why why is he # Why is # I'm doing under twenty miles an hour . # No . # How can it be a psychological though ? # Yeah . # That's what I'm saying so there's no psychological over # Yeah , that's right , they ain't getting at me , I'm getting at them I'm annoying them # Yeah but seen that , yeah # Yeah . # I ca I can't get out of that car and say , you're a fucking wanker I co the only way I could do , the only way # yeah , but # the only way that I can retaliate , towards him , to show him my cracking up there . # Yeah , that's right . # No see nine times out of ten # they're fucking wankers ! # But you know # Yeah , exactly and tha that's when you slam # your anchors on and they're in the fucking wall ! # Yeah as simple as that , yeah , I mean you've caused an accident # but # No , cos I haven't caused an accident because they , are in the wrong anybody that gets , anybody else up the arse no matter what you fucking did to them , it's them wrong . # Yeah . # No I wouldn't go as far as that anyway but I'm saying they're in the wrong it's not you in the wrong , they're in # the . # Yeah , exactly and then it's their their # Yeah . # I think you should get # I think that it's that's very very rude ! # Bad driving ! # That somebody should be right up your arse , so if you # that # that , that # that's the way I look at it and # you you just show them something to back off , as you say and my way of doing that is slow down and then nine times out of ten once they've got the hint , well I'll sp speed it up again . # Well if they don't , then you slow right down again simple as that . # No it isn't ! # Not really my i idea of a journey is to get there in your own time , you don't have to fucking speed everywhere ! # it's better than fucking better be being late than not being there at all . # No I can't # No I can't sorry you're on the lost cause here . # If so if somebody is a bad enough driver to sit right up your arse , three foot away from you then they deserve all they fucking get ! # Simple as that . # Yep . # There no fucking better way of doing things , is there ? # Just that it's different way of dealing with it . # It's a stu # Yeah , exactly cos there's not a better way of doing as far as I'm concerned . # Yeah . # No no I I don't do that i I I I get to within about ten feet , on the motorway , or twenty feet on the motorway and that's about as close as I get . # Oh yeah , it's too close # Ah # I mean as I as I get a # No as as I'm going towards them I start touching my brakes anyway , # and I don't give any of this shit with lights If they're doing seventy miles an hour , and I'm going faster and they're , all the overtaking lanes are taken , then I'll slow down to their speed , I won't # attempt to go past # No not really # Not unless I'm doing it deliberately . # About fifteen , twenty foot all the time . # No it's not they reckon you should leave a two second gap if yo , if you're travelling at thirty , forty miles an hour . # What thirty ? # Say thirty . # Yeah , four foot . # Okay , it's too close but how many , how many cars travel any further than that apart ? # Oh right . # Yeah , exactly !the back of too many fucking cars ! # Eh well that was just a fucking example ! # I d I don't know how # far I drive away from them it could it could be twe # it could be twenty foot , it could be thirty foot , it could be forty foot how , how ca how far can you tell ? # All I know is that I think it's a safe distance for me to drive behind that car at any given time . # And the only way you can do that is when you judge when you know tha your car . # Yep . # Yeah but mind you # Yeah . # Fucking been talking ! # Eh ? # We haven't have we ? # I'd just had enough of them so I was gonna do them when we got the shafts , like then I see what you do . # and I really thought you'd got the shafts in . # I'd rather do them again dislike them . # Eh ? # Yeah , . # Don't forget to put the old inserts in as well . # Why who else is going ? # and Alec . # Me thinks me hath sharpened up my blade too much ! # Well if I can , it's the wrong bloody head ! # Ha I'm just glad I don't juggle with chain sa , chain saws ! # Chain saws . # Yeah . # There is . # He was on erm oh what's that ventriloquist , Ron show # one weekend . # Yeah , bloody three of them going ! # One slip and you're in the cacky aren't you ? # No way ! # They're quite large as well , weren't they ? # They're about foot and a half blades on them . # No way ! # I can't even juggle three # Ever tried juggling , beyond three ? # You can't do it , I tell you . # Yeah , yeah . # Yeah that's right . # Mick . # Metal Mickey . # No it was . # Yeah he got moved out . # Worked in the part the pioneer cord , little Yorkshire fellow . # I said bou bought a Proton motor car and took # Bought a Jap . # He jacked it in for something different did # Yeah . # Not Mick was it ? # No Mick was one of the the brothers weren't he ? # Pete Mick . # Who ? # That's all everybody only called him anyway wannit ? # It's for that thing . # Oh # well I only lived in London for about six months . # I mean I've lived in here for the last fourtee thirteen years and I've lived in Northern Ireland and Bradford and all sorts . # So I # Yeah , well I was an army kid wasn't I ? # So we went all over the place . # Down here ? # Lived in Farnborough for thirteen thirteen fourteen years now . # I would have thought so . # It's probably where I've picked most of it up . # My accent's certainly changed since I've been down here . # Apparently I used to talk a bit like a thick northernish # Sandhurst . # You lived in boy's town ? # Oh college town . # So that probably explains a few things . # Don't like Abba ? # What the fuck is up with you ? # Yeah . # Cor , if they look like erm Agnetha cor ! # Blond one . # Fucking gorgeous . # She used to be absolutely gorgeous . # Mm . # Many a schoolboy fantasy . # Yeah . # That's another perv . # The Pans People era . # You must remember Pans Pans People ? # Yeah . # Oh gawd . # Yeah something like that . # Legs and Co . # Oh it was more than that I should think . # Thirteen fourteen . # No . # I never left school till I was fifteen . # Sixteen actually . # all over the fucking place . # No it's alright , here you are . # Yeah . # Yeah . # Waterloo I was defeated you won the war . # Oh shit Mark remembers . # I remember watching that as well . # Cor yeah . # You know what won them that ? # It was when they fucking # Yeah . # And they whipped the the skirts off . # Yeah . # Oh god # Yeah . # Quite , quite a bit of disgrace actually cos she was having an affair with er the tour manager wasn't she ? # Yeah . # Cor yeah . # Shelley Preston ? # Excuse me . # Yeah . # Actually they they were quite good . # They weren't bad anyway . # Oh I don't know , there was some fucking that that German one which won it , erm what was her name ? # Nina . # Erm # Yeah , right at the end . # That was fucking brilliant . # It was brilliant . # That's the first time I've ever seen that done . # Or ever saw it done on the Eurovision . # Oh I dunno , it got to number one . # Europe wide didn't it ? # Yeah I thought it was pretty good . # She went right round . # She did the # the whole European countries . # Yeah . # I think the only one she missed was Turkish . # Cos that the year they won that was the first year that what was it erm # No , who was it ? # Finland got zero points . # The the the the trouble is he got more recognition for that for getting no points at all than he did probably if he'd have bloody won that thing . # Well no they're the thing is with the European Song Contest each different country has its own tendency , has its own leanings towards different types of material . # I mean no no erm # Yeah . # That's it . # I mean # I mean they y you # You you think about , yeah . # Three times on the trot . # And it was the same bloke each time . # Yeah . # Something like that . # Yeah . # Yeah . # Won it about six times . # Yeah . # Erm Bucks Fizz er # Eh ? # Really ? # What did she sing ? # Is that what she sung ? # Erm erm erm erm erm erm erm Cliff Richards won it once . # Yes . # It was . # No , there's loads of them . # Really , as I said , really # Yeah . # Ooh . # Hallo Damian . # How the devil are you ? # Yeah . # I didn't get mine with Tech I didn't buy Technics . # They were eighty quid . # Yeah . # Cos they're virtually the third best going anyway . # Sony . # I could have got but they were seventy quid . # I didn't mind paying that sort of money but after spending so much on the Technics I couldn't afford another eighty quid # Yeah . # Yeah . # does it round about fifty quid . # But if you've got a decent Technics he said you want the best integrated # Say I've got a . # Yeah I know . # Yeah . # Mine's just the one C D . # The only trouble is with that , if you're changing it for different albums all the time it can wear out the gears and that . # That's the only trouble , cos I'm always changing the damn thing . # What ? # No . # My auntie's got one # Yeah , and Sharp . # My auntie's got one which takes six discs in a little box like that . # It flips out with six discs in it . # Which that is a good idea cos erm if you get bored with one song or one album you just click it and it goes to that . # But I have to keep changing it . # Yeah . # Yeah . # I can't stand them . # I don't like them at all . # There's no turntable though . # Yeah . # What , one of those ten the one you put in the boot ? # Gotta fill it up with ten C D's and you just got # like a little pad in your car . # anyway not unless music coming out . # Yeah . # Bit like me really . # Just pure pure power . # Sleek looks . # Ha ha ha ha ha . # That nose of yours is really # Have you ? # How much have you got it in for ? # Oh . # How much are you hoping to get ? # Four fifty . # Yeah , but your fucking biased aren't you ? # Who do you reckon this cheap ? # Original engine ? # Rekcon . # So it's only done twenty thousand miles # So it's not the original engine ? # . # Put it , put it over there mate . # Well # Yeah . # Yeah I was I was gonna say # No . # Where were you born ? # Just fucking tell me now . # London ? # Not Battersea Park . # Battersea dog's home ! # Somewhere , somewhere . # There's a few fucking saints in London yeah ? # dialect sorry ? # Yeah we know about you . # So fuck # they wanna know regional dial dialects . # Doing a conversational dictionary . # Everyday common or garden speech . # Especially # Blackmail . # But that's an ugly ugly word . # Yeah . # It's a much nicer word . # It's longer , it makes me feel educated as well dunnit ? # Yeah . # Anybody watch The Word the other night ? # Yes . # No . # Is that the time , what time is it ? # Quarter past fucking four ? # Oh Jesus . # Pack it up . # Better turn this tape off . # Better turn this tape off . # Some pratt messing about with microphones . # You're middle middle page # poster . # won't have that will they ? # No , her right one's hanging down a little bit . # Over which one ? # I like that one . # I like # I took a polaroid of fucking Karen last night in her underwear . # I'm gonna try and get it . # She won't let me get it . # That's what I'm gonna try . # I've gotta well it wasn't kinky underwear but it's underwear . # Got a picture of Karen in her underwear last night with a polaroid . # She's just bought a polaroid camera . # And er # Yeah . # I will . # I'm gonna try and get hold of this one . # But it it it's tasteful but it's not not too bad . # She's in her underwear not too revealing . # She's got fucking thigh high boots on as well . # She's got her fucking thigh high boots on . # She won't let me have it like . # I tried to get it last night . # Cos I fucking took it and I said you haven't taken one have you ? # And I said well yeah look thing buzz coming out the end . # So and she said let me look at it and she what she's doing fucking she's fucking got her leg on a stool like that , not a very high one like sort of like that right ? # So I thought yeah I'll have that . # She said , she looked at it and she says you're not having that . # I said I am . # I was just about . # No , you're not having that . # I said no come on , no messing about . # I ended up chasing her around the house fucking photo . # And the thing is , by the time I by the time I chased her I was so I don't know , don't even know where the photo is now . # It wasn't like that , it was just fucking # Yeah . # Yeah . # Did you see that # You don't need to stand that close to it . # Cos it it fucks it all up . # It goes really quiet afterwards . # I mean I was listening to one of the tapes last night . # I was listening to one of the tapes last night . # And he he'd got up to it and he gone good morning Trev about two inches away from it . # And it fucked it up for about a second or three seconds afterwards . # It really goes really quiet and then comes back up to full volume . # Yeah . # There's no need to shout either . # I tell you , it picks up everything . # I tell you what , this even picks up the girl over the tannoy . # Yeah . # You can actually hear what she's saying . # Oh my life ! # Plimsolls ! # Plimsolls . # They're sort of plimsolls aren't they ? # Fucking hell # What ? # Right seems to be er the in word at the moment . # Pardon me . # Are you recording ? # The little light flickered . # Cor I tell you , I could eat another one of those scotch eggs . # From what I've heard it is quick as well . # From what I've heard it is quick . # He'll # He'll end up in the same place as the last bloke and he's still there . # What ? # Don't you talk to my mate like that . # I only like . # No . # Fuck off . # Cost me eighty five P , that . # I love the chocolate # you fuck . # Fuck off . # Course I do . # That's half the fun of having Kinder eggs . # Sod it , I'm gonna finish the lot . # I love the chocolate . # It's beautiful . # Really is nice . # Shit ! # Applied down the Job Centre . # No . # That's right . # I put it on Farmer Giles . # What ? # . When he starts bringing his bench and stuff down here Barry and I'm gonna . # Yeah . # Mm . # Not bad . # Not bad . # Excuse me . # What do you think you're doing here ? # Fucking lovely modulation . # Eh ? # ? # Plays for who ? # Does he ? # What's his name ? # Mark who ? # ? # That's a moniker and a half innit ? # Bollocks # I'm a skilled fucking man . # That's why you're needing me cos you er two ain't got the fucking skill between you . # You ain't got a fucking hope have you ? # Well why don't you ever do it ? # Exactly . # Cos you haven't got the fucking skill . # Well do it next time . # Huh ! # That's one of the skills . # You know ? # Being able to put your hand to any fucking thing like I am . # I mean that's fucking # Nobody wants to . # Yeah . # Well , you're always sprouting to us about how fucking good you are . # Ha ! # Ha ha ! # What the fuck would you know ? # You fucking reject . # Jealous ? # Jealous ? # Of you ? # Fuck off ! # Jealous ! # Ha ! # Yeah I know . # This is sad . # This really is . # The thing is you two fucking believe every word you say don't you ? # If the truth hurt fucking wouldn't be here # You got the shit bit right . # No . # Huh ! # In there . # Fucking had to be in there didn't they ? # That's nothing . # You never saw Richard's . # Wouldn't mind a bit of that . . # Marks out of two he'd give it one . # Just popping down to see . # Chelsea hooligan like I always said . # what a lovely song . # You claustrophobic then Rosie ? # Do you get claustrophobic then Rosie ? # What's that ? # You what Skip ? # No you don't have to but they want as many done as possible . # Fair enough I suppose . # Last one . # Go down and ask him . # No it fucking ain't , mister . # Yeah , that's it . # Might as well stock up . # I'm going for the full set . # I've got six , I've got number five , got number four , got number two . # Want three and a one now and I'm away . # Me thinks not . # Fifteenth . # When's that ? # Oh Sunday innit ? # Chelsea Man U ? # Oh , cherub on the box . # Be inconspicuous will you ? # He must be . # He supports Chelsea for a start . # Had a punch up ? # Yeah , that's true . # Mick , Mick when I was , when I was working down there in er the machine shop , him and erm Ian you know the bloke who one of the engineers ? # They sat in there and they drank a whole bottle of scotch between them one Christmas . # Yeah . # He was total anti-establishment weren't he ? # Have you got ? # Hundred and one fucking quid ? # You having it put in there , platinum or fucking what ? # Stuart , does that smell bother you ? # Fuck off . # Bollocks . # Oh don't do that . # Mm . # Cash and something , something . # Amazing . # gonna do no work is he ? # Fucking hell . # You could send the boys round as well couldn't you ?rugby squad . # One of those great British folk songs . # Classical half hour now . # I followed on with my old cock linnet . # I dillied I dallied I dallied I dillied lost me way I don't know where to roam . # Oh you can't trust a special like an old time copper when you can't find your way home . # Eh ? # Eastenders half hour . # Eh ? # Let's all go down The Strand have a banana . # They can do with some appalling singing . # There's appalling and then there's Cherub . # Ah ! # Oh we're starting on the show tunes now are we ? # What ? # That's not a show tune . # Well you were singing Memories . # Well bless your beautiful hide wherever you . # Have we ? # Oh the bright golden sun in the morning oh the bright golden sun in the morning . # And the palm's high as an elephant's eye and everything's growing right up to the sky . # Oh what a beautiful morning oh what a beautiful day I've got a wonderful feeling everthing's going my way . # have a dream if you don't have a dream how you gonna have a dream come true ? # Fucking hell . # Some enchanted evening . # Yes . # I'm the model of a modern major general la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la # Can't sing that . # Fuck off . # We ain't singing Cliff Richards . # We refuse . # By all that is holy . # Just slap him about a bit . # I mean his face needs to be improved really , dunnit ? # Every time you fucking go and hit somebody . # When you're old enough you'll be too fucking ugly . # You can see it now can't you ? # Listed under fuck all , all the different types # all the different types of variations fuck has been used for . # Shut the fuck up . # Why don't you fuck right off ? # And all these sort of things you know ? # There's so man so many different variations of it . # Yeah . # That's gotta be the the used one though innnit ? # Fuck off Graham that's gonna have its own sub-heading just that . # It's only cos I'm handsome debonair suave sophisticated and fucking dead horny and hunky . # And they're all jealous , jealous . # They're all jealous . # We didn't ask what held your ears apart . # Form of Rumbolds mental torture and cruelty . # Think of it , you can see it now . # All all these Oxford undergraduates if you don't go home and learn your words we'll let we'll make you listen to Chris again . # Ah , no no ! # Anonymous ? # They won't fucking know who Chris is . # They wouldn't want to know . # You never know , you might become an international celebrity as the person who can # I'd love to do it this is Mark reporting for I T N Rumbolds . # Eat shit and die you mother . # It's cos you enjoy our company so much innit Chris ? # I , I just say to him what do you mind doing ? # Fucking have a little drink here or fuck a couple of bob every five minutes . # At the end of the day # To have a a little drink . # Oh come ye oh come ye to Elland Road . # What's the difference between Leeds and the I R A ? # The I R A have got a team in Europe . # Leeds and Chelsea had the worst record in # Britain at one stage . # Leeds were the first club to be thrown out of Europe . # Yeah . # There's fucking big punch ups after a Leeds Chelsea game . # Big fisticuffs . # Oh no I hate it when than ha when that happens , you fucking pull off the corner and the top don't come off . # It's a real bitch to try and get into . # Yeah if you could . # You'd have to look up in . # Two one thousand . # Two one thousand o seven one I think it is is it's equivalent . # Yep the only difference between the two , is the colours If I could talk to the animals walk with the animals , sing and dance and squawk with the animals ah la la la la ! # No it's er that's one film I'd never seen , but I'd like to see . # Erm # Doctor Doolittle and around the world # in eighty days , I've never seen that all the way through , with David Niven . # I wonder who wrote that Doctor Doolittle ? # Who wrote that ? # Barry's the man with the words Barry ! # Who wrote Doctor Doolittle ? # Do you know ? # Doctor Doolittle . # Rex Harrison yeah . # Oh I just wondered Just wondered who it could be . # Probably somebody obscure . # Doctor Doolittle who wrote that ? # Well we didn't ask you ! # Who ? # Pygmalion . # Pygmalion wrote Pygmalion . # Pygmalion . # Come on then sunshine let's boogie ! # Let's fucking boogie ! # Fuck off ! # Waterloo how can my Waterloo # De de de deddle deddle de da da da da da da da . # As he said could of taken the whole fucking # lot off ! # I'll swear on anything , I don't care , I'll swear on the bible if you want , if you got one handy . # Yeah but it's no good swearing on the bible if you don't fucking believe in it is it ? # Bollocks ! # It was fucking you Stuart ! # Just wait until the last day , when you come , you sit down on the fucking stool and each leg goes like that ! # Just wait ! # How are we supposed to know when we fucking taped it ! # Well that's fucking # We do # cos you're the bloke who did it ! # So it's # fucking you ! # It is ! # Court adjourned . # Bollocks , did you ! # But I ripped your stool to shreds # and said it was you . # Yeah . # adjourned . # Ha . # Right then Mr , shall we go through it just one more time and make your appeal # Oh ! # Oh ! # Okay order ! # Order ! # Order ! # Order ! # This is daft innit , eh ? # Eh ? # He is he is guilty . # Go on boy yeah ! # Yeah right behind your fucking chair ! # And # circumstantial evidence . # Hang him by his bollocks ! # That's true . # Isn't it ? # Yeah but I should probably get a bit of today there , no problem . # No it won't come off . # He really likes that , he does , he goes # Ooh look ! # Ooh ! # No . # Got off of there and get down them there ! # you cheat ! # Oh look he Cherub , that's cos he did it . # What're you up to ? # Fucking do it on your bench ! # Stuart . # Yeah nice fucking time sheet though innit ! # Nice and destroyed . # Fuck off ! # Oh what do # Bollocks ! # what ? # Did what ? # Blamed it on me , you cunt ! # Well fuck it then ! # No , no , no , no ! # Yeah , I know he's admitted it already that doesn't mean we're not gonna get you back for the first time you fucking did it ! # Yeah , you never repaired mine did you ? # Don't think , I can't remember , you're doing my head in tramp ,fuck off ! # And he did it to mine and then I did it to his , and you repaired his but you never did mine . # Yeah , exactly ! # Here , here , here ! # He is ! # You're a sad case int you really ! # Rule Britannia Britannia rules the waves It will be ! # And then we'll fucking sweet ! # Well if you sit on it and four legs go in different fucking directions # and your mummy comes in a . # Your mummy goes ah ! # Stuart what the fuck have you done ! # Yeah I reckon . # I don't know . # What time is it ?please . # Fucking pack up early didn't you ? # I'm so vain # Just run that number . # He fucking will ! # Both of you might do him . # Or should I say you need my help . # # Sixteen storeys back sixteen blocks back . # The old boy . # Fuck you mister ! # Whoops ! # Here we go , here we go , here we go Oi ! # Stuart ! # Stuart ! # Where you going ? # Do you mind ! # It's only twenty three minutes past you're a naughty , naughty boy ! # Cos you were going up there before twenty five past weren't you ? # Twenty minutes past then . # Stuart ! # I'm gonna tell ! # Derek ! # Derek mate ! # Eh ? # That's it , I ca I clocked it in one up there and it's like . # Where's my fucking bag gone ? # Good boy . # Leeds have got their fourth round one tonight against Everton . # You get a photograph then mush ? # You get a photograph then ? # Eh ? # Have you . # It's . # What's that , a bit drunk last night ? # Oh yeah ? # Oh well tha that might of had something to do # with the focus . # She actually let you photograph them ? # What do you say that was for then ? # So you can show the lady at work . # I heard you wanted a couple of photos of her so you could take them out in your wallet and keep them close to your heart . # Aha , fucking hell ! # And now you're taking it back to S A and it'll probably be left out there . # Yeah and not # Happy ever after young lover !is he weird ! # Yeah . # Yes , yes , yes . # The what ? # Dog ? # Oh right yeah . # Oh yeah . # Yeah ? # , was everywhere # Eh ? # She kissed me on the arse a couple of times , kissed me on the navel a couple of times . # Yeah . # Aha . # Sounds like a good game . # Yeah have you ever played er spin the bottle ? # Used to play that at parties . # Yeah it's about ten of us at this party put the bottle in the middle and spin it and whoever the the open ends comes at is the the previous spinner's gotta kiss that . # Yeah . # Well then I I fucking spun this bottle . # I got the tastiest bird in the place and all that and er she spun it and spun it back to me and spun it . # and he's he's a bit younger than me and I've gone come on then give us a kiss , like this , and he's gone like that , I thought , just there like this and I've leant over and went just there . # And he's he's turned over this and just gonna slap one on me and I've turned my head and gone like that and he's fucking caught me right on the fucking lips ! # A real cracker ! # So funny ! # Fucking hilarious ! # He wet himself ! # He went , oh you dirty bastard ! # But if you're really pissed , you don't care about them do you , eh ? # Everybody wet themselves ! # You dirty bastard ! # Urgh ! # Yeah . # Oh yeah . # Er , the Eiffel Tower . # Eh ? # I dunno . # Oh I see , yeah . # forget whether er , have you ever had any oh book o , oh it's a game called Quotes . # Yeah , something like that , I'm just trying think who said # such and such . # One of them was erm who said er it said Mae West # Yeah . # you know ? # Quite a good game . # Scruples is a good game . # Yeah . # One of the questions that does spring to mind is which of these three people have an I Q er four times their chest size , is it A I can't remember the woman , erm with a thirty two inch chest B I can't remember , Jane Mansfield with a forty three inch chest # or C , Albert Einstein with a forty seven inch chest ? # And it was B . # Jane Mansfield had an IQ forty , er four times that . # Hundred and sixty a hundred and seventy two that's quite high isn't it ? # I was quite surprised , I said fucking Albie Einstein ! # Sunday morning first thing on the piss with Andy and stopped round his house . # He come in , he's fucking right as rain me come in oh I'm feeling right got in , sat here for about half an hour quick mad dash , chucked at the fucking shit house murghhh !the fucking well I won't be able to play cos I don't # I don't throw that evening I won't throw at all I won't throw the next morning . # I sometimes feel like it . # I sometimes wish I did but I I've never done it in the morning . # What about with a bird ? # Not out of # Something like that . # I said I # That's why I don't # What all those ? # Oh I don't know , we ain't got bad ones down here . # So you're going down the south coast , it's lovely Guildford's alright , where they , they're fucking stuck up bitches ! # Hope we go to fucking Cal er Boulogne ! # Fucking weekend ! # Yeah . # Eh ? # No . # Eh ? # I know , Boulogne well it don't matter # Yeah ? # Anybody see erm Quantum Leap last night ? # Quantum Leap . # Brilliant programme that ! # No idea he's gone from being a Jewish rabbi last night and he's he's sort of gone okay we'll leap now out of , so he's leapt out of that one and he's leapt straight into a fucking little boy's erm body right , and he's a mongoloid poor little soul and he's a downs syndrome kid . # No no , it's like played by the same actor # Well wha what he does is is he looks at himself in the mirror something like that and er he sees sees the body he's jumped into . # Fucking brilliant programme ! # Brilliant ! # Yeah . # Last night this these , as I said , he's playing this rabbi # and he's having a punch up with his brother and he keeps letting his brother hit him he's got this holographic image he , who accompanies him with this fucking computer , and working out what's going on why they're there sort of thing cos he goes back in into to different times to to help these people out # and er he goes , aha the bloke hitting his his brother hits him , and the holograph standing behind him and he's going he's going , it's okay , it's okay , I've got you , I've got , like this and you see him fall backwards , straight through the fucking body and he goes sorry I don't got you ! # I said I he goes like this , and he clicks his fingers and he goes erm I keep remembering holographs ho holograms aren't real , ha ha ! # It's brilliant ! # Really is good Saw it first time when it was out last year I can't think that twenty more days and I'm a fucking away . # Twenty sixth about four in the afternoon . # You got on this er # Da # There you go . # No it's alright . # Sorry ? # Eh ? # No . # No that's a . # Yeah . # Wouldn't worry about it , that's alright . # ! # Everybody # everybody fucking ! # Yeah . # Makes you laugh don't it ? # Yep we are recording for Oxford English Dictionary . # Nothing they provided the lot . # Erm just everyday common or garden conversation . # Yeah . # It's going into a dictionary it's to help erm students I suppose but that's all I can # Everyday common or garden slang # colloquialism erm local accents . # Yeah it's recording . # Yeah . # Well it's taping it with the recording . # Picks up everything , it's pretty good actually . # Me and . # Eh ? # Er thirteen I think , thirteen . # Fourteen . # I Didn't have time to fucking cut the beef this morning ,in the butchers . # Just bread and butter and fucking a big slab of beef . # Go for it mate , fuck it ! # Fresh milk fresh milk . # Ask Graham . # Oh where's that ? # I wanted to go in a car wash watch it , just sit and fucking st , right that's the # and I've never used one of these jet wash things so it's gone when it end the cycle will go and it will indicate right , so I'm # Foam started to # How much do it cost ? # Yeah . # Cos a mate of mine with a moustache , didn't have it for long , he fucking ri lighting up a roly , he's gone fer like that , his fucking tash has gone boof ! # Straight up ! # Yeah . # Look at that ! # See that , we're all fucking erm lying there , glaring under that fucking bit of timber or something . # And there's that bit of wood burning between his boots ! # And Pete's going oh oh oh ! # And he's goes , does it hurt , does it hurt ? # He goes I'm alight ! # I'm alight ! # What the fuck's up with you Stuart ? # What you got the old earplugs in ? # Shouldn't have asked really , should I . # Can I borrow that little lamp of yours ? # What time is it chaps , please ? # Seven thirty seven ? # It's a happy ! # Yeah , I don't know he's put oh he needs another book , . # Yeah # that's thirty . # Quelle heure est-il old boy ? # What's that ? # Yeah , I'll have it in a minute I'm all glued up at the moment . # Oh , see you ain't # Oh my fucking life # How can you miss a mouth that fucking big ? # Here are # I got # Stupid , but quite amazing what time you here till half five ? # Who's that twit who does the old erm racing for Channel four , bloke with the side burns and funny hat ? # Yeah something like that . # He goes everybody hates nobody wants and all that # Seemed a bit daft to me though you'd think they , mind you they'd , they'd supposed to of had erm er sub contractors down there , in that , that is disgusting , some of these should of been out of the door the . # I mean I've got , some of my best friends are fucking sub contractors as you know , really good friends , I mean Jonesy brilliant friend , a great friend , a nice geezer , er Bill beautifully bloke , really nice , but they should be the first ones out the door , Rumbolds should think more of their permanent staff than they do their fucking contractors staff that's what makes this company work , that's what makes this company worst than all the rest , ok , you get , you get Union companies which are , must employ sub contractors all the time , # Saw that Joe verses the Volcano last night and I thought it was absolutely fucking shit mind you was , huh # What time do you make it Stu ? # Graham what time do you make it ? # What's that , come on , spill the beans # Yeah # What's your nickname then Tom ? # Cabbage , that's appropriate . # That's your second name # No ,so were talking about Boddington's beer man , Boddington's bitter # Ah , # Sit round the fucking head on it like that , you go what fucking what , real fucking strong beer Boddington's from Manchester # Right , what've you done ?that's not too bad # Pan Am and T W A are doing internal flights only now in the States aren't they ? # Did he ? # Fucking hell Jesus Christ oh dear , you know what that means econom , the America's biggest airlines goes down the toilet # United Airlines and American Airlines I've been told aren't really all that good to fly with , mate of ours went up to the airport to pick his parents up , they just got back from a holiday in and er they flew and a , on a seven hour journey , where ever it was they come from , they didn't have any food , no food , nothing , what they done is they , they , they'd taken a container off , but they hadn't put a new one on . # You looked absolutely fucked Stu , what you been up to ? # How many games did you play then ? # How many points did you clear ? # So you be up the second division next year ? # Cor , they're expensive # yep # You'd gone in Blondies next door you might got it a bit cheaper and you can take yourself . # Yeah # No # I think that's technically a , a draughtsman though is it , that's more like a more what we call a design commission . # But everybody get it , # every , but all , all the draughtsman unless they were just called # Yeah , but they're , they're much more keyed up probably their design programme is probably much more advanced than most other places # Yeah # The , the most efficient wing in the world is seven hundred mile an hour , it , it was a flying pig at , at seven hundred and thirty . # Yeah , like I said what's , what's the people's most efficient wing in the world , seven hundred mile that could be a flying pig , but why all of a sudden technology started in . # There , there is planes , but there is no want the , the world's most efficient because like I said that the efficiency changes at different , different level # speeds , altitudes , stuff like that . # Think how much like # Yeah # Like behind us , up behind where I live at Sandhurst thirty years now . # That's , that's where they go on # That was developed up at # That's right all of a sudden they're # only once who had any staying power with a high # No , that's been cut out , same as the blue ribbon crossing the Atlantic blue ribbon event . # Even though , even though er thingy trying to do ain't they ? # say the Queen Mary # Yeah # yeah # Oh yeah # Oh yes the shame like that # Well there are , if you go # if you go to Hamdon # Oh no , not flying , # cos they # Its only # its only one short as well Look at all the , look at all the Brian . # called defiance , ever heard of that then ? # There's only three , yeah three they reckon left in the world and they found one with a Japanese # twenty-five bombers . # Yeah # They're quite , they're quite common actually , I mean there was a couple up at Black Wood # the only ones left in this country # Where Eagles Dare # See I , I didn't eith I didn't either realise , right # that helicopter's were fucking around during the second World War but they , they were # No , the first V T O # yeah , the first V T O L , no thirty-five # that was V T O L # If you think about it , the whole fucking been going since the early six , mid sixties # That's a fucking there is still no other bird that can take off # I was gonna say which is , is as good , ah , no its not virtually the same , it looks the same but they've got three engines in it . # Its something like the erm , the legions # the legions , something or other will do it , the Russian versions a harrier , its got three engines in it . # Its got , its got er one the downward thrust , one for an angled thrust and one for level thrust , and its got a , they reckon its got about a twenty minute range if it takes off vertically # Are you # yeah but they've got fucking , just fuck off with the dust # Yeah , but its all around in it ? # I don't need any more with fucking stupid come along with everywhere . # Yeah , the , its like the old # that , that's not supersonic # that's not supersonic # They're only about twenty years old , ain't they , they sixties # Concorde ain't they ? # I mean if Britain will , will be # No , all helicopters fly backwards # Oh you mean loop the loop # oh they # there are two or three that can do it , not many though , that's what I said two or three # technically , if they get # Oh yeah , that's the , the erm # got a little jet outside , # no , one I've seen # the one I've seen is the one without the tail ropers , its just got a little jet out # stop the centre stop the erm lever # Bells was the maker of it , did a project on it # Gets you , the reason why helicopters haven't been able to do loop the loop unless they've got a lot of height , is because , obviously it pulls you up # so if you doing that ,doing that keep you up in the air , right , keep doing that you'll go that way , when the helicopter's you want to do that way , so obviously # when its like that it tries and pulls you down , and this is why there was an accident with a Wessex or something or a Sea King a while ago , where three or four people died , cos it just didn't get enough height and as , as it got to the top it just pulled it straight down to the ground , it couldn't , it didn't have enough height to clear the circle # I wouldn't # that's what I said it pulls them down , erm the Apache can do it now at any height apparently erm and the , there are , there are two or three particular copter's now # pulls you up do that goes that way , does that goes that way so you're upside down you see , you've not only got weight and gravity pulling you down you've also got the thrust of the engine pulling you down as well , and the only way the helicopters going to be able to do it is by getting enough height so they can sort of drop like that and they start dropping and they can just pull it back # I remember it as , I think , I think I think I remember there was like three or four people inside it or something , certainly wasn't a # still hold the erm air speed one of them new # yeah the # engines # sixteen engines # four four , four wing mile on each # worlds biggest air . # The old galaxy department er , galaxy class as a enterprise erm , the old er galaxy air lift plane with the as well # yeah # commercially # they built , they built a well beaten aircraft and they haven't got half the technical advantages that the West has and their computers has still , practically just got out of the stage . # Eight twenty-seven , twenty-eight , twenty-nine # I mean I , I heard a stupid story , that instead of like , the , the twenty-seventh , twenty-eight and ninth come over here , but the was still , was still using a radio and stuff taken out the pre war stuff , that's how far their radio technology and communications come on . # Yeah # With the old F sixteen its like a couch , you sit like that , its just the joy stick in your right hand and you've got all your buttons there , whereas the old Russian one's just a p , a normal sit up and on a joy of a column , its amazing how they fly ,make those flew once they do # ah ? # Yeah , but # A mate of mine actually worked in # a mate of mine actually worked out in Russia and he said you know ,piece of discussions about when , where the Russian's sort of appear first and this sort of he said he said erm , this , he said that , that kids running around on the streets of Moscow is actually given a working permit and so he could actual work there and sort of like er # one of the top in the , the company and er he said that there are kids # kids are fucking running around with just nothing on their feet # They don't they've still got , they've still got no military technology # so # so , its all on script # they haven't , # they , they still haven't got any , as you say they haven't got anything to eat , I mean what's the point of you putting # everything into military , no they haven't even now # that was , that was it , that was it , even now , the economy is ruined , there's nothing there # yeah , but # some of the guys out there , you know , the Russian people don't want to start anything you know , but also they , they feel they haven't got the technology we have # for , for a start their tanks are still man powered , their still tanks # you know , he , he said , he said he said there's still some of the tanks are still # but he said , he said . # Are you sure ? # that's what changed # yeah , so what # you've got to you , you none , none # none of their tanks have been tested really # look what the Afghanistan did too them . # yeah , ok # you , you are trying to determine gorilla war , right , but it doesn't how much technology you've got , because Afghanistan and the Vietnam proved that , but tried , tested and proved # yeah obviously they're being phased out # yeah # yeah exactly # cos they # no # no because they'll do what they , they've always done there send their military in and they'll they'll say you aren't having this , you aren't doing that , I mean obviously Gorbachev's I mean this stage , he'd just send the tanks in by now , he plagued Yugoslavia crushed # No I don't think we have , but I think they'll probably be a Civil War first # I , I , I don't think that you # we don't really have anything to # lets face it , if , if Russia had wanted to declare war , to , declared war on us , sort of right ten years after the second World War had finished , and that would of been it , Europe would of been out # because they were scared # they were just as scared of us as we are of them # yeah , exactly , but other its not just that # yeah , that's , that is it , that's what I've said er , got there's one reason , one reason why # I would never of er voted Labour # it isn't the biggest deterrent in the world backed by . # You're telling me that we've got nothing to fear from them ? # why has there been such a Star Wars plan ? # Why has there been such a , a , thing in the fifties and sixties for buying and that sort of stuff ? # All I know is that there are better people in , that , are more intelligent people that are better informed about than me or you and they deemed it that we've got something to fear against and I'm willing to take that . # Fear against them , I still wouldn't put it past them , I'm not saying they will , I'd be very surprised if they did try to get cos they're cos they're on the sort of er the brink of being excepted by the rest of the world again , you know , but up until a couple of years ago , this thing happened , you know conventional warfare were and they only way we can stop them is by nuclear warfare's # Yeah you're going on as if , you started off on the fact that you don't think we've got any fear of them cos their kids are running round on the street and now all of sudden you say we have because they've got nuclear weapons you say . # Oh yeah , yeah # yeah I'm saying it does , yeah # well yeah # that's why the , the McCarthy witch hunt and stuff , the hippies # that's why , that's ever since bolshevism first started in nineteen , seventeen # but then again since , up , up until the mid forties we had nothing to fear from the because they , they didn't have much of an army themselves , they had millions and millions of men but no resources or facilities to build it # yeah because they had , that , that's why # that's why , that's why during the first World War , Germany made a categor categoric statement that Russia should start disarming , she was mobilising # Red army # yeah that's right but I mean what can you do I mean she was an Russian was a # but # oh yeah # I was thinking venturialise as well , I mean we can't , we can't # during the second World War , one German found three hundred , four hundred Russians took them prisoner # yeah , took them prisoner second single handed , I mean # the Russian have fucking one of the most powerful forces , I mean up until the Stalingrad in Moscow , the , the battle of Stalingrad they didn't know if they at all . # yeah exactly # but I mean up until Stalingrad that was it , the , the Russian army was nothing , right , but as soon as Stalingrad came in every day # yeah , what I'm trying to say is that , that the Germans ,on one German captured about four hundred blokes # well , I don't know # I know but what all going on is the history , that fact is since the mid-fifties we , we have had dealings cos they've been one of the stronger of the world # I , I don't know how they get there but they know how our army works , we know how their army works , we cannot hide manoeuvre's and every army in the world knows the manoeuvre's I've been on one big NATO manoeuvre out in Germany right , and you're saying to me they don't know how I , how each army works # why why do military on our side say that we'll gonna get fucked in conventional war ? , we would hold them , we would hold them # for a year or two years # yeah # yeah , matter why we've got anything to do # if it was one on one , we wouldn't have anything to do , but it is the fact that they have got good technology , good materials and they are that much more than us , their troops aren't as well trained as ours # their , their supply routes aren't as well defined as ours , but they've got shear weight of numbers , see , I'm af , I'm afraid , I could be a fucking karate black belt or something right , so one on one against you I wouldn't have a problem , but if you went and got fucking thirty of your mates I would have a problem , I maybe able to hold you off for a fucking few minutes or something or if you could either contact , maybe a few months or years or something , but they will win # and this is why military strategies have always said we were gonna get we could hold them for a year , two years maybe three , but in the preventional warfare we would start loosing and military strategy have always said along that it would probably be somebody like France or us that would first use the nuclear weapon # This is really # No , its . # Th the doctors over there need a lot to be desired , I mean that what's , what's his name the eldest son of er Jim and , Jim's next door neighbours , what's their , their names ? # Cody's brother # yeah , I mean he's supposed to be a surgeon or a doctor ain't he ? # Cor fucking hell . # Woe betide anybody who becomes ill in Australia that's all I can say I mean the thing is why is Neighbours put on twice a day cos I don't believe in # think so . # I never forget Benny Hill once # got talking about Sun readers , there was this girl and she , she was stood on this podium and she , she's talking to The Express and The Guardian and going like that and their taking photographs of her and then you sort of pan round , the camera pans round and you've got The Star and the Sun going like that fucking its really funny ,The Sun and The Star in it # What's that ? # Might as well carry on recording , # just stop it Paul # . # But there again its the same as Murdoch in it ? # He's got too many fingers in too many pies ok one groups making , one groups making a million pound a day , where another groups loosing a million pound a day or loosing two million pound a day , if you've got too many fingers in too many pies # yeah # if you think about it , he was , he was the only rival to , to sort of Rupert Murdoch I mean they've got a # yeah that's it ,your talking what , six million pound for a player or player now , its a , yeah its like some of the , the teams what's it , where's video ? , # Oxford # and he was after # They say it takes # Yeah , # to , to run a football club say # say about a hundred million pound a year would you say that ? # to run a football club about a hundred million a year ? # Yes especially the mega bucks they pay these footballers , four or five # John Barnes # probably Real Madrid or Juventus or something # Sampdoria , why'd you think the ain't doing so well ? # Its like me old man was saying well old fucking Jim Davidson came in and said er er Bernard Manning is by far the best stand up comedian in this country # and he always will be , Jim Davidson said , said about Bernard Manning , he painfully said er , er Bernard Manning is , is , the best stand up comic in this country and probably always will be and he turned to Jim Davidson , big headed bastard , and he goes no # yeah he goes I know I am # no serious , he goes none of you bastards can touch me ,fucking hell # So how comes Mr Caine # Is it ? # I wanna see that # Jeff Bridges # Ah ? # Robin Williams # Ah ? # I think he is fucking brilliant # Yeah , yeah it all comes down to personal taste # yeah # No . # No # along-side Chubby Checker # bollocks # Jasper Carrot # yeah I like him as well , but he's not exactly a or Dan Ackroyd # a bit fussy and Ben Elton # No I just said I like him as well but # he's not a fucking big , he's only big in this country # what he's got big any , any of those I was just saying # , but I was saying any way I like # er , I can't do it any more # he got out this little diary he's got and he was going # he's got another one who does they hear his screams sort of thing put its in # puts the letter to his sock , fucking whirls it round and stuff # fucking hilarious # they way , way he I mean he's took a bite out of it or something # that's it # oh that's right # that's # I , I , the only ones I've seen is why # yeah , right # Its the attitude cracks me up , oh , every thing he's ever done makes me laugh # the only one I don't like is that bloody oh erm , what's the other one , deep sea water , something lately for kids , his got his own kiddies programme , Maid Marian , take the piss out of # are you sure ? # I , know he was in Black Adder # He's done lots of kiddies things , he's had an and all sorts in there , but I mean are fucking funny , # No , Hale & ; Pace are # nine times out of ten I fucking love a I like erm they're better than the other fucking superb , I think some of # I think yeah I was gonna say its a bit , if your a real Steve Martin fan and he's done , everybody's but if your not much of a Steve Martin's fan then # but him and Robin Williams # I thought that # and Roxanne # I didn't think The Jerk was deliberately funny but it was , it was # a superb film # but it cracked , cracked me up is these fucking songs that make you take and he keeps hiding behind the oil can # he thinks his shooting the oil can , and he keeps diving behind these oil cans and takes cover and that , he said oh no not an oil can and fucking little bullets , bullet # I was born a poor black boy down in Mississippi , out in Alabama and he's like a jet white ain't he ? and he says I always felt different cos all the other kids they just sit there and they'd be tapping their feet and then you go onto the oh and they're getting the old rhythm going , like they do and he'd be going like I all so different I couldn't quite do this and he used to get in look , and er # ma ma # yeah # yeah and he said oh and well I sure was lucky cos here comes a lift and he gets in , he goes right , he's taken his prize jogs about fifteen yards and says bye thanks for the lift and he stood about fifteen yards further on from the street , there's bits in it that is fucking funny , he's made it rich and all this and he's happy bloke , he get's his girl friend # in the shit , his fucking gone clang , this blokes got his fucking nuts and the next thing he sees is a big fucking plaster balls alone and he's , he's got up his wife , he's having a right old night with here and he's leaving , and he says I don't need you , I didn't need # its T V remote control though # black parents . # find him more work # and none , none of the others , they've had this one sort of older black guy and his fucking pissing themselves and all the others going why that sure is nice of that little girlie , # she ended up # and he goes # well I don't know I think she # good enough # ah fucking hell # yeah that's # its hilarious # and he , did he fight , does he fight , I mean he here's some # he here's a Pat Boone record or something and all of a sudden he started dancing to all this and the old black bloke comes in and says oh my life ,he couldn't get any of the old blokes . # Twenty past # No # woman in it # yeah # yeah , John Ritter # Real Men with John Ritter its , its really wacky , like he's this fucking secret agent stuff , I never smoke unless its after six and he just , he's this John Ritter and his got this really mild of character but he's been mistaken for an , an agent and he's , he's , he's going # all these fucking people have diving they can see he has a real gun # and he fucking thinks he's so he's going around # Wow , # God eh it really is funny # yeah , yeah its you'll have to , you'll have to see it , Real Men , James and John Ritter , its good . # I just sat through the whole and pissed myself , I like the clown squad # oh no its the dreaded clown squad , what C I A agent's dressed up as clowns they're deadly and all you see is this fucking # something like that , oh its fucking # all sweet and innocent like # fucking # no # Spread Heap , yeah unfortunately yeah , # Wow look at that # Let's get this straight , the woman's mine ok # Turner and Hooch was funny # Oh I don't know I really like # Jumping on that big piano on the floor # I thought that was hilarious . # It took me a long while though to realise that was Meg Ryan at the beginning . # The thing is I knew there was Meg Ryan in the film and I thought I've seen that actor cos I'm , I'm always on about knowing faces and names and stuff # but she's , she's going er # Really dowdy , quite pretty but really dowdy and at the next one you see she's erm this real baddie got bite my boots and real trendy sort of bimbo type character ain't she ? # long , long straight er , # and I thought well now she looks familiar as well , I still haven't twigged that its the same Meg Ryan riding her bike and then Meg Ryan comes up # and its really funny . # Rocking and rolling # No , just said , well I don't know she might be , she might turn up and then say # the time got up # No # What's that about ? # No , sorry never had anything to do with he was trying to er # like so they did in # they were rubber bullets being fired as well but all the ones that died were # real live ammunition live ammunition # Yeah basically # I thought they'd taken it # yeah # yeah # yeah # yeah # yeah # said it's a Dolomite # haven't they ? # How many reckon shot them ? # I don't know , well , because I mean that any one of them could of said oh well we were being fired upon first and then they could of er , their colleagues fucking going on # If you can manage to get one photo of a gunmen in all that crowd , how many more were there they didn't get a photo of you know , erm , so that's bull shit for a start the said that they only fired upon identified targets , going on motorbikes , and erm , I mean the thing is , the para's are a highly disciplined , highly trained apparently at a you weren't even allowed to go out there without at least five years experience yeah , they were soldiers , they need and I can't believe that they negligibly you know , cos there was women and children there , and nearly all of them had wives and kids , you know , and there was reports from like the Irish saying oh yeah , they were mixing body er , care and body people and fucking laughing and joking over dead bodies and my old man said yeah if you just , if you just seen something drop most people will laugh and joke about it , you know I don't know if you've ever meet this sort of ,old man , but the service sort of a , a unique sense of they can laugh at anything , you know they can see somebody with its guts put out in front of them and they'll fucking crack out about it , its the only way they can stop themselves cracking up , or fucking crying sort of thing . # And there was this , there was this no conclusive evidence , the only , the only thing that was that , that these and make the said there was only one man definite I R A # and the other may or may not of been like I said just the fact I'm shaking your hand ,weapon he goes and does a frenzy test but the evidence on those three were , wasn't very , wasn't very conclusive and it # still doesn't fit and that's the thing yeah I mean all this morning was saying you haven't seen under fire , they don't stop and look around if they get down into cover he said how they suppose to know who's firing or not ? , you know . # And he , he said but we only # we had a couple of men fire over the # one of them said , you know , he said how , how the hell how the hell can they say which directions the fire's coming from ?but they , I mean some of them were saying like this mate he run out , he was going across this patch of open space and the soldier obviously saw a soldier and as he did that apparently he got shot through there and out the other side of him . # So the thing is , if he ,inconsistent in that story , if he's doing that , that direction how did he get shot from that way , where he's own telling stories apparently coming from ? # You know that's all right he may , might , alright there may of been a soldier there , but they've just come from that direction # and then he's , he's going out and they're coming like that direction and he's looked round and he's seen the soldier ,doing it , he's gone and this is how I did it and then he put his , like this and he stuck his hands up and as his done that he's got shot through the body from the side , what's # no , he blew his chest out . # You don't get and fucking live , not many do any way . # Ah ? # Well that's it , if , if it was a British soldier it was a S L R # Exactly , the things they could of ,stop inside people unless its ,so you can never tell . # But yeah , I mean , there was so so many inconsistencies on , on the Irish witness side , you know , like what , what matey said I was , I was running out and all of a sudden I felt a pain from here on those fuck it , he's up there , got big forearms , and big sort of muscle that size , that's really wasted this side even after twenty years , it must of about and apparently one matey got shot in the back running away , oh no five out of the thirteen got shot in the back , which again doesn't fucking mean any thing , you know that's , but I said if there's I R A supporters there and that , you telling me you seen where your comrades have fucking get shot , you're not , you're not gonna try and pick up his weapon and stuff I mean like , it was just a perfect opportunity to , to get one over on the British Forces and I , I said I don't think yet the para's were entirely blameless , but then again I don't think they ever have been in any of their fucking # they're not angels , they're a hard regiment , but they're also highly disciplined and highly trained , I've got , I , I , the other thing I couldn't see what good , I mean is it , is it the , I mean its not , its not the anniversaries or any thing so I don't know why they brought the out , cos I can't see what interviewing people twenty years after the thing happen can do . # Well , well interesting programme , I'll give them that though . # Yeah , but my old man he's a , he's driving he was driving the one of the that's , that erm , Lieutenant Colonel was in at the time of the , and he , he was in there and he said my old man knows for certain that at that time they were under fire , cos they drove in and picked up two bodies and put them in the back of the jeep all under fire # they know for a fact that there were gunmen there , as to who shoot , shot first that's held in tribunal , he , could , he , he'd never know # yeah nearly ever soldier that was there got Lord Rigdely or somebody , you know # yeah and er , the , the programme condemned him a bit , basically he he didn't , there was , there was , he didn't seemed to take in a lo , a whole lot evidence from either side , you know , he did , he did , he didn't seemed to handle the case very well , it was sort of more like it just get it over with quickly and forget it sort of thing . # I don't know though I mean he , he's , he's allowed that , he allowed that the fact that they could of been unarmed men and all that but he also condemned three of them on the evidence of this lead which he really shouldn't of done , he should of left an open verdict on those few cos lead could be transferred to . # Oh well lead so er , apparently if , if you could get in fine detail enough we'd have lead on ourselves , this is why the , this carbon dioxide stuff from the erm # They have this , they have this MP there from the S D L P from nineteen sixty-nine to seventy-two and he's a , a pacifist , he went to the , apparently he went to and spoke to the leader of the provisional I R A # I don't know who it and apparently he asked him that , are , are any of your men gonna be there and if there are he said , I'm , I'm gonna pull out and use all my influence to stop the march and the I R A police said no there would not be any gunmen there so I thought yeah , fucking right , oh yeah that's easy to say , and then if like the reporter said and , and you believe him and you have the feeble excuse towards a small community he said , you know what's going on # exactly , I mean this , this is , this is the I R A , they're not part of any fucking small community they are the fucking community unto themselves and that's is that , that was he's answ erm , that was he's answer to the question of do , do you believe him or something , you know , well all in all it was quite interesting # How're you getting home ? # Naked you ? # Set the alarm for half past six , gets another half hour in bed and he's moaning about it . # Fuck off # Did you see that , that last night ? # I , I wasn't watching while at the time , but erm basically it seemed like it was six of one and half a dozen of the other . # Thirteen , thirteen supposedly are innocent Irish got killed by para's by militaries included in the crowd , and all the other's , the Irish say that basically there were no I R A gunmen there which is according to there's proof that they have , they were , erm and like that , the para . # It's all a load of bull shit basically , it seems , it seems that the para's were certainly under fire , with nobody knows and erm , it does , the only thing that is blatantly clear , all these lying transferred by the para's and they were like dragging them away and stuff and the only , there's only one member that's had any thing to do with the I R A that they can find out about , that's one so at least nine weren't firing definitely , erm , three may of done or may not of done so it looks like the only thing that basic the same is looks like at least nine were innocent , you know its all right for # yeah , makes you I can't see what's good its doing twenty years afterwards , the people had time to think about it and use their memories for twenty years , nineteen seventy-two it happened and they've just sort of done it . # No , but the , the only good ,heard of it is erm he said and basically any of the para's aren't # Yeah they reckon they've got files on it , sort of eighty , ninety per cent of who the provisional I R A and I R A are . # Fucking # Stu done half fucking rabbit on don't he ? # Oh have I upset Phil in some way ? # dunno , seems to have got the hump # Yeah , said good morning Phil , totally fucking ignored me . # Dunno , that wife of fucking me up . # That wife of me up I had a my girl yesterday # Oh shit . # Knocked something behind by the looks of it # Knocked something behind his bench by the looks of it , dropped fucking go and wash it go # Ah ? # Oh yeah . # Oh , this evening coming # must be eaten anything dinner time , I've got to go to the bank # How is he ? # Was he really scared ? # I hate it when that happens # hate it when that happens ,did your buy or what ? # Cos I see him know with this big pallets of that stuff all over the place and # Yeah # There's only two # Well mum's shopping bill don't come to . # Oh , that's a nice plant , is it a coniferous Colin ? # Its alright , # Your mum and dad know your smoking ? # Haven't they said anything ? , obviously not . # Eh ? # What'd they say ? # no # What a surprise . # Have you got those photo's back off her ? # Have you got those photo's back off her ? # Why don't you get hold of that one ? # Fucking get hold of it # out of her . # You lying toad . # You respect her privacy only when she's in front of you , when she's out the room its a quick glide full through all the drawers # Actually I would , cos if you end up murdering her # she might have some nasty things to say about it . # And you couldn't , you couldn't pry it open , could you ? # It is # I bet she asked when he got back # when she got back you have a look in my diary she said you go bright red and say no # Yeah # I didn't know you kept counting # Its about all in it # have a kip at lunch time , did some work , came home and got smashed Went down about all # ta la mate # yeah # Oh yeah # Be fucked out by the time I # See you # you've got to ain't you ? # I'll tell you what I'll bring you back a crate of fucking French extra strong mints # What is the French style ? # I know you , you , you're not allowed to bath three days before so you can get that fucking French aroma going . # They reckon the average French woman don't change their knickers , they only change it every two days or something and all sorts they don't shave . # Get right fucking any way # And their # No # Eh ? # What's that , shave her # I'd wanna shave her . # Fucking hell , a bit weird man , what's # Yeah but they reckon the stubble afterwards plays havoc . # Fucking # run riot , don't try any ,fucking run mate . # Well think of that , if you cut her , whoops . # That's what I want to do the shaving as well # I ain't got to , I've just realised it was # The cut throat # Oh he's , I swear he's done it before # I bet he has # Oh , # Well funny you should say that # but we have shaved the bollocks of a bloke in T A , he was a right like Tintin , so we , we pinned him and shaved his bollocks and then put after shave over it . # The thing is we did it right , we did it in the nappy , then we fucking put him spread-eagled on a bench and me mate ran off to get the shaving kit stuff and this fucking this people who's erm , looking wom , girls in there and everything , real fucking pissed up # to him , didn't take very long . # But we shaved it from around there ,people we were gonna go on to shave his legs and stuff as well but we got caught . # We were gonna wax his fucking legs argh , he didn't ar , he did , he wasn't screaming cos the thing we said like if you move this , your , your will be slit sort of that'll keep him dead still right # alright , but then more ways than one . # He had a shaving kit like that , and he had his old , the old after shave lotion and that , and he will , well , picked us , we just fucking said I , I know what will do the trick a bit of fucking gone # top of the after shave , used about half a bottle of after shave , and he's just gone started around , I thought he was throwing a I thought that must of well stung . # I mean it , you know when you do it , when you put it on after shaving you think ooh you know # half a bottle all over his I mean that with a any way , but all over his fucking private parts shave them # I don't think he ever forgave any of us . # The thing is a couple of weeks later # no a couple of weeks later , erm , we , we went on a big route marching stuff and he was in agony the old stubble # he , he , he had the old fucking vaseline down there and so , all that all the # Thank fucking your heads not shaved not you're bleeding # Arseholes , I wouldn't , I wouldn't do anything like that , I wouldn't do anything that might hurt # What's that ? # yeah # yeah # do they ? # You mean you haven't seen them doing it # Yeah # yeah # So he # So when did the hair grow back on your bollocks then Stu ? # What time is it ? # Yeah # and like the thing is obviously like the first realise there on a and they try to stop it , why are you stopping for , remember you are in the British army , if you disobey orders you'll get a court marshall really started laying onto them , and like they've started again and like the first bloke obviously got to the fucking water , cos he's stopped again , one man one sides shouting out and round the other side shouting out and they have they've all gone in , they must of thought fuck it and they've all just fucking marched into the sea , and we marched them in ,tent was only about that much above water , and we've lasted thought , this is the thing that got me , he , he shouted at him , cos we , we , we managed to get them and that , he said right ,right , go in , go in and tell them to come out , what , I said what , can you just pop in and tell them to come out , I said over here sarge , he said you disobey an order # I , I , I remember you telling er # yeah , trousers , boots # Yeah . # Yeah # Yeah # Yeah # did you ? # yeah # Me old man right , me uncle , me uncle used to live in a house which used to digging in the back garden ,this piece of fucking dirt and he pulled out this and its sort of round , my old man's gone , no he , he said er I wouldn't dig there any more # my uncle's gone oh fuck off like this and he started to put his fork in again and we goes , my dad goes well that look distinctly like a three inch mortar shell so I wouldn't put any more in there if , I wouldn't put your fucking fork's in there again if I was you , they had to get the bomb squad out , they diffused it , they found about five fucking mortar bombs # in the back of his garden , yeah # They , they , what they'd been doing was shooting them over and they'd just hadn't been exploded , they said dud shell or something . # See the old man was saying when he was doing Salisbury Plain they blew up couple of and a couple of # Yeah , but its suppose to be in it . # but we had the computer system first built # No . # Yeah # See you # You get back # Yeah I've seen them . # Yeah I know # I don't believe it , paid all that money for a digital said look at the about stuff , at the end of the day they , he is five a side football stuff like that , had I've been thinking about joining again , but I don't really know what I'm gonna do after Christmas now even Karen said she wouldn't mind joining but I tried , I managed to put her off that idea . # See the thing is , what they've said to me , because I've been away now for nearly two years erm I'd have to go back and do all the training again , which is a bit of a pain but its not too bad because I've done it before sort of thing , she said to me oh yeah when you go I , I might come along and see if I like it , and we can do the training together she said , I manage to put her off that idea , manage to talk her out of that . # Court marshall . # Yeah do you know if your on duty and you get caught co-habitating did you say , said er , yeah court marshall , discharged you with a , discharge you # Yeah , but married couple there did have a couple of people there that got married while they were in the T A but they weren't allowed , they never allowed to sort of buddy , buddy together I tell you why I got put with that woman . # Did I tell you why I got with that girl # its really cold , yeah oh that was good , I enjoyed that she's still there , she's a Lance Corporal now as well and I must admit well I , I didn't think she'd ev , she was always crying but I never thought she'd actually do very well in the T A , didn't seem to have the get up and go about it but she obviously sorted herself out and got , Spambo Man they called me . # Shitler yeah your right there . # See my nick name in the T A was Vicky , she probably felt save with somebody named Vicky see people started called me van witty and then it got changed to Wicky then somebody started called me Vicky and it stuck , she probably thought I'd got a You know when I look back now I fucking enjoyed in the T A # Bow . # Everybody was bow was they ? # Yeah alright bow . # had a girl from another troop Lynn somebody can't remember her last name any way her first name was Lynn and as rumour had it , she'd had everybody in the bedroom # so we started called her lip , but that happened before I got there so , as I got there it just like , as I joined got in with the regulars it started to peter out a bit , but I got fooled with a couple of times I thought they were taking the piss , alright Lynn how you doing , you know , still . # See the thing was she , she , the best fact the only reason she joined the T A was to get Right ok love , we will do our best . # Yeah good old laugh , I remember my scout motto , I promise that I'll do my best and do my duties its going back a long , long way brother . # Yeah # yeah # Girl Guides # Well there would he , he wouldn't join up any way # or where ever it is , . # Don't know # The only reason you join the T A was to get out of fucking work weren't it Stuart ? # Eh ? , the only reason you joined the T A was to get out of work # Yeah you get two weeks don't you , two weeks # Did they pay you for it then ? # like swallow it # stick it up her nose and say . # Peace and normality dates # Only # Yeah you get two minutes or something don't you ? # You get two minutes don't you ? # Fifteen minutes you're allowed . # No , fifteen minutes . # Fifteen minutes and you get docked . # So it's six minutes you'll have to leave him now . # Yeah they've charged me a fiver's fucking commission on that . # Cor . # Shit . # Want fucking shooting . # Yeah . # No no it's not as much as that . # It's about four # Yeah . # About six percent . # Fucking . # I'm sure when I op opened , I'm sure when I got my T S B they didn't charge me that much . # When I bought . # Mind you that , that was er travellers cheques and they're usually cheaper anyway aren't they ? # They're only a quid for a hundred . # Yeah . # Yeah . # Quid for a hundred wasn't it ? # Every hundred pound you spend you just put spend a quid over the top . # Or every hundred pounds worth of travellers cheques you get . # Yeah , it could be right that actually . # No . # That's what she reckons anyway . # She said she said that # Yeah but that's probably # Yeah but that's a fluctuation . # Yeah , point three five of a rand though . # Or point point three # Point three five of a rand is fucking nothing when you work it out . # To to English money . # Yeah but I mean # No # Yeah I know . # I mean that's that's the same as fucking out in Spain last year . # The best rate of exchange I got was how many pesetas is it to a quid ? # Pesetas to a quid ? # Yeah ? # Well when we were out there it was ranging from any anything from about a hundred and eighty five to a hundred and ninety six . # So that's eleven pesetas , that's quite a fucking bit . # Yeah . # That's right . # Yeah and she's just ch told me completely the opposite . # She goes oh sorry all I've got is hundred franc bills . # Okay fair enough . # How many of them can I have ? # Well for seventy three forty eight you can have seven hundred . # I didn't think they were gonna fucking hit me for a fiver as well . # That's a bit fucking off isn't it ? # Hitting me for a fiver commission as well . # That's a bit fucking off . # They fucking better not . # They'll have bricks through the fucking windows at Lloyds . # Yeah . # You get stung when you try to bring them back . # That'll be a cunt . # I'll walk into a French bank and say can I exchange these back to sterling and they'll say oh yes and then charge me five hundred fucking francs again or whatever it is . no five nines , nine eighteen twenty seven thirty six forty five francs . # Yes that will be forty five francs commission mons monsieur . # Fuck off . # Eh ? # A ninth of a pound . # Ten p . # That's why I'm gonna take this with me I think . # I'm gonna take this with me . # I'm going for the # You cheeky fucker . # No see that's when me sister went , went out . # She only got four hundred and eighty odd francs . # See that's how much it's , it's going up and down . # It's fluctuating . # She got four hundred and eighty francs for for # fifty quid . # Yeah . # Yeah . # Yeah but I paid seventy five or seventy eight . # And now you got seven hundred . # So for that two hundred francs more I've lost about eight quid . # Yeah . # It's the last time I go to fucking France . # Yeah I did . # He's got it . # My Sport . # fill the old pools coupon out . # Why break a habit of a lifetime Stu ? # He'll soon deal with it . # Eighteen quid . # Eighteen . # Who can explain the thunder and rain there's something in the air . # It's amazing how soldiers in skirts have always had a hard reputation innit ? # Eh ? # No they they've over the years they've got some very fucking good write ups . # One of the toughest regiments . # Apparently . # The devils in skirts . # Bung ged id in . # Bungdidin . # Yeah . # Yeah . # Yeah . # Bang ! # No it's Patrick Mower . # Yeah Kenneth Williams . # Kenneth Connor yeah , that's it . # He was the only one of the original cast in it . # Windsor Davies has appeared in a few but he's er not one of the regular ones . # Windsor Davies . # Oh he was the sergeant major weren't he in that # Yeah . # Frankie Howard . # Yeah . # And Terry Scott . # Yeah . # Roy Roy Castle . # Terry Scott . # Yeah it's fucking brilliant that one . # And erm the one with Harry H Corbett in it . # Er # No no no no no no . # The film erm where he was , the monster one . # Yeah that's it . # He plays the inspector . # Sergeant . # Or whatever it is . # And erm , what was her name ? # Fenella , Fenella Fielding . # Yeah . # The the princess ? # Yeah . # Jack Douglas . # Yeah . # Yeah yeah I know . # No , that was Car yeah it might have been . # . # I know the one you mean though . # Yeah . # Oh that was # Played the who ? # Oh god I can't remember . # Can't remember his name . # I tell you the one I like was Carry on er Beau Geste or something like that , Carry on # Jim Dale . # He's fucking brilliant # he is . # Carry on Doctor and # Yeah . # Yeah . # Bilko was in it weren't he ? # Old Phil Silvers was in it . # He'd been screwing all day and he'd walk into the camp fucking going # Who saw Jasper Carrot last night ? # Anybody see him ? # Anybody see Jasper Carrot last night ? # Fucking brilliant . # was all # . # Remember you can make a friend for life . # There's a vet like this he's got a fucking bone in his mouth and the dogs his fucking leg . # I like the bit with the detectives . # It's called the detectives right ? # There's Robert Powell and him # and old Ruby Wax was in it last night . # And she comes up and she goes good day lieutenant Kerawski from New York the N Y P D like this . # And she goes up to the two blokes and she grabs them by the balls and goes mm not bad , nice butt , you know ? # And all this sort of shit . # No . # Yeah . # The one who used to walk round the corner and get round that corner and give it all that . # And fucking Dave reckoned there was a piece of wire running across that fucking corner just down the bottom there . # You know where the ferrangi is ? # It's down there . # It's down there # . # Cos every time Jerry'd walk round that corner he'd give it all that . # He's fucking got a terrible twitch , a real nervous twitch hasn't he ? # He'd say watch him , watch him as Jerry was fucking walking along . # And there'd be about ten or P ten or twelve people fucking watching Jerry walk up walk round that corner . # Every time he got to that corner it'd be like that , all fucking giving it some of that . # Fucking awful really . # No , he's had it for a long time . # You don't say . # You could even give the bosses a Christmas # present couldn't you ? # Here you go Mr . # I've # bought you this fifteen up fucking boot . # Stuart the wanker . # Alias the git . # If apprehended all care should be taken when a # when approaching this suspect # because he smells a bit . # Have you seen this man ? # Chris he done my head in . # I suppose you almost got kicked out , or did you ? # Did you almost get kicked out ? # Fucking joking aren't you ? # Were you out out of it at the time or what ? # Knowing my old man he'd probably fucking turn me in . # No I doubt if he'd do that . # He hates the old bill anyway . # Give me a sit down and a good fucking stern talking to . # Eh ? # Yeah . # Judging by him she must be fucking ugly . # If she's anything like him . # She's older than you I take it then ? # She older or younger ? # Can't be bothered to get out the fucking house can you ? # Are they nice ? # Ring me up this piss up . # You've had plenty of practice so I hear . # Does she ? # Is that alright ? # Merry Christmas ! # Yeah I know . # If you ever read a porno mag they're fucking # No mine # Jean never . # She goes round looking at cocks does she ? # It's true . # Yes . # No it's fucking # No . # Not with somebody you've just met . # Obviously if you're having a long-term relationship and you know she's not shagging anybody else and she's not on the and she is on the pill . # So were you shagging Jenny with a condom as well ? # Yeah I know . # But I mean # Eh ? # The what ? # Er Sunday . # No I do well I don't know . # No idea . # Yeah . # No I think theirs was a couple of weeks ago . # Because that that Zeebrugge disaster was The Sun as well wasn't it ? # No . # Not in France . # It's only in England that it's all closed . # Or Britain that it's all closed . # I've been to Calais before . # I hope we go to Boulogne next time . # They reckon that Boulogne's better . # See old Sarah's been kidnapped on Emmerdale Farm ? # Do you watch it Cherub ? # No you wouldn't . # You'd be down the pub wouldn't you ? # Thinking of missing the Friday night sesh then Cherub ? # You footballing tomorrow or not ? # That's just couple of junctions up from Nottingham . # Yeah . # Mister himself . # He did his donkey climb bit didn't you Stu ? # Sixteen foot across it was . # And all because Stuart loves black black magic . # It's only cos you're a wanker isn't he ? # # Stu . # Should you wish to accept this mission . # This pint of Guinness will self-destruct in five seconds . # Bit like here . # Be on the fucking wagon . # It's totally the opposite with me . # If I've got my drinking head on it'll be the first three pints in about fifteen minutes if that . # I did that in fucking # No , I fucking once upon a time I used to be able to do it . # It's fucking rock and roll . # What time is it chaps ? # What time ? # Ten past ? # Ten past ? # So what ? # So what's new ? #