# I think old man that's got a . # Are they gonna allow you to walk around with this as well . # . # You recording now ? # Oh no are you getting money doing this ? # Watch what you're saying chaps because were being . # Er it's an invasion of our personal privacy . # But . # I'd wipe all that lot if I was you . # Yeah , you know what they say about ,used by . # Afterwards , yeah . # Wouldn't mind doing it , just quite interesting # . # Yeah I've just read the literature , I glanced at it . # Why , why do people get like this , tape recorder or film recorder or # I've normal so far , shut up you lot . # Do you have to write down all those like , place , , date . # Mm . # How did ya get into it ? # How did , how did you see that . # It's worth you doing it . # Lucky . # I didn't know you could get stuff recorded like that , is it like specially adaptable , or is that normal walkman ? # I didn't even know you could record something . # Seem like . # Good morgen , guten tag , dankeshon # Er , no I pay for it , no go on give me that and I'll pay the ten P yeah you pay for me , . # Yeah . # Have we stopped ? # . # Well they wanted to know who this old boy is . # I've no down London every time I've been down there , and haven't seen any trouble . # I've never seen any trouble down London , not first hand like , no , never . # Yeah , that's right , I mean , it is in it ? # I used to go because hopefully one of the hardest town in # Derby , but I mean one of the any aggro , the stall any hassle is in Covent Garden , which is a tourist place that was between two . # In a pub cos couldn't handle the old English beer and all that , and they start an argument between themselves . # Tell you wha whe where is a rough place just recently is er Farnborough . # Farnborough . # Did it ? . # The amount of times people have been thrown from the top of your window at night sort of thing . # been wrapped round people's head at tumble down and stuff . # No it ain't . # I don't believe that shit about you watch a video then all of a sudden you're a Rambo . # Tell you what Mark , that must be a hell of a job trying to collate all this information you know , must be a hell of a job trying to collate all this information they're gonna have to get , I mean how many people are they gonna get to do this ? # It's gotta be a lot of people to get a rough guide in it ? # Check this out old boy . # Do you have to listen to every single one of those tapes ? # Yeah . # Yeah , so . # Barry wanted me to use it up alright nosey . # . # Yeah , I suppose . # . # Ah ? # Yeah . # Yeah . # Yeah . # What are they trees or something ? . # Yeah . # Where was that ? # Yeah . # Yes , it's wicked , wicked man . # Yeah , yeah . # No . # Put me off I think . # typical night out . # . # Yeah . # What fucking . # Well either you have to think it's wrong . # Oh I . # . # I , I use to go up the . # Oh yeah , just sat there in the outside , down a . # Fucking people use to come out and fucking say to me , fucking wanker up there , I wonder if he's gonna jump ,the old bill . # Why they all just piled in did they ? # to fuck off ? # Yeah . # Barry's not there . # Yeah . # Yeah , I could do with some . # Yeah , I just go and get this and I'll go and pop down to . # Yeah . # Yeah # Tell you what women with pram's and stuff , there fucking tread on the babies head or something . # Notice that supermarket's # Yeah , fucking little kid like # it's bad enough standing there trying to be calm and nonchalant like most bloke's do in the fucking underwear department . # Oh , I wasn't and erm , the next thing I know I've nearly fucking been bowled over , sort of the bags in fucking look behind me , so those two fucking bought the bags back down fucking legs and I've just caught this like running round another , another thing , I thought oh fucking little kid , the next thing I know there's another one gone pass me like , taken the bags ,the handles out of the plastic bags , fucking and it was a girl that was going first this time , so I and sure enough there was a little fucking brat boy coming again , so I just went flying he sort of looked up at me and rubbed his eye like that and carried on running after the . # I said you come round here sonny you'll . # I was just about to wind up , right , you know . # Fucking what , I , I'm , I think it was he's mum or not , some old biddy gave me a right old . # put the handbags of the and as he came round I sort of went . # And you know the only reason you've got a hang over and you know there isn't really any body else to blame but yourself , but that makes you want to look for a scape-goat , but the kid . # There's nothing worse than being in a foul temper and knowing that it's only you , you've got to blame for it . # It's really nice and sweet all day and it's fucking making me even angrier . # I hate going shopping with them , she wants to go next Saturday , I said fuck that . # Yeah , oh what , I didn't actually say fuck that ,I know I've got to go and get your present you know . # Friends family and stuff ,day sort of thing , that'll be quite a good idea . # She'll , she'll think that's right # I know it's good in it ?but erm ,bought her , I've bought her a Ghost video . # A Ghost video . # Bought her , erm , , bought her a little # I was gonna split that . # I've only got eight more things to get her , I've already spent about , I don't know , sixty quid on her . # Don't tell me your mates just gone to the sun and the sand as well . # Is he ? # . # All of a sudden you , you done quite well and pick up a . # Do you wanna tell me what number it is ? # If the van was big enough we could put # . # Yeah he said look that's what I gave you he said . # Here's the other half . # I just saw you standing there with a smile on your face . # A grand total of eleven pounds # Er dunno . # a bit tasty . # Bit tasty . # Let's have a look . # Yeah . # I told you he'd see it . # No . # Oh they can sack you on the works . # They could buy your house . # Eh ? # Yeah . # I've got mine here . # I've only done this a little while . # What ? # Oh no ! # The Oh # Yeah a bit . # Everybody's checking themselves so often that # Everybody's checking themselves so often bit boring . # Can't even get loads on anybody now . # You can't even get loads on anybody now . # People are keep checking themselves so often . # They'd better not get any on me after I've done this , put it that way . # After I've done this . # Well cos I can't check myself when I've got this on . # He's not seriously going over there to get a pound out of Richard is he ? # No . # Shit . # Got any timesheets Mark ? # It's two pence . # I dunno . # I'm in France next Sunday . # En francais . # Thank you . # I would if I fucking could . # Nicer climate . # Why ? # France is quite a nice country it's just polluted by frenchmen that's the only trouble . # You what ? # I haven't done anything with them . # Well least of all fuck with them . # All for nothing , I haven't even done anything today . # Well the times I do fuck with people's stuff and I don't get caught and the time when I haven't I'm getting hammered left right and centre . # Cheers what cunt ? # They call her flapper , flapper . # I don't fucking believe this . # A bit of a slapper she's not very dapper she takes it up her crapper neighbours everybody needs good neighbours with a little understanding . # Pounds fifty two pence . # Red ? # Yeah mine's red . # Nein . # Oh yeah well . # Eh ? # Parlez-vous francais eh ? # Parlez-vous francais ? # Er # Erm oh shit . # What's this for anyway ? # You're getting paid for this are you ? # Yeah ? # What I wanna know what was all this fucking hassle in aid of ? # Just minding me own business and I get fucking things thrown at me , timesheet ripped timecard cut . # Fuck off . # Timecard cut , I dunno . # It's just not good enough . # Yeah ! # I'm really stitching me timesheet . # . I'm having me fucking stuff vandalized . # Did you see that ? # My person was attacked . # Not to mention me timesheet . # Just what the fucking do you think you're doing ? # Think it is as you're using my tools . # Don't even know if I'm gonna be able to clock out this aft this evening . # Oh that's gonna , that's gonna kill the cherub . # Cos he wants a lift off you I mean what's he gonna do ? # Yeah old boy ! # Have to fucking walk home won't he ? # Have to fucking walk , don't bother me . # Fuck off . # Give me a mint for that . # Oh no , I don't believe I did that . # I'm having a nightmare . # Threw away my bag of rubbish and stuff and I had a packet of mints in it . # Ain't fucking fishing through that lot . # Twenty one p's worth of mints . # Got more pride than that . # Yeah well we know what sort of bloke you are though . # That had better go in that's all I can say . # On top of old smokey Arseholes are cheap today arseholes are cheap today . # yesterday # I I will always remember the poor guy who was coming out of the showers with a hard on # thirteen or fourteen . # Oh this guy wasn't . # I've seen him since with some really nice women and he had girls at school as well . # No that helped him actually ,trying to find out whether he was or not . # Yeah he come out the shower with an amazing # you imagine . # Yeah . # Yeah . # It's exactly the same as , we had one # Right old bombardment I got then didn't I ? # What for ? # You haven't done anything . # No ,off . # Look , I don't wanna go home with dirty hands , alright ? # I don't eat food with dirty hands either . # I like fucking clean hands . # That's why I don't ever do any work . # That's why you I think you're well out of order . # And we're Leeds United Leeds United F C . # Yes my son ? # And so begins another weary day so begins another weary day . # La la la la in the morning I awake my arms my legs my belly aches And so begins another weary day . # Oh in the morning I awake , my arms my legs my Oh my is full of shit my is full of shit it's full of shit , shit and . # Oi fuck off ,punch your fucking lights out . # cunt . # Trev , maybe you didn't hear me . # I said fuck off or I'll punch your fucking lights out . # Fucking well be . # Eh ? # Mm . # Is that it ? # Eh ? # See you later guys . # Yep . # I know its mild , but I feel its particularly # Yeah , that's it , you've got it in one . # What's a paint party mate ? # Only on the T V in it ? # I've put er a Royal Academy # Jackson is a monkey at London Zoo . # Na , I don't know # Oh yeah . # Not really an arty person . # case . # See what I mean , # You've been up for weeks now , haven't you ? # I've got to go up the town , like # That is cheap # These # She worked in er # Yeah # About right # or so # where's # What ? # Who ? # Isn't he deaf in one ear or something # Is this the one where , see a topless girl wobble them in the streets # Yeah . # Huh # That's what I will be when I # My old man would say good bye , yeah , send the mother away # Did , even with the few times my parents have gone away , I've never held parties , I may of had a couple of mates round just to let them kip over or something , come back I've never , ever held a party , I wouldn't , I respect them , well I mean I wouldn't respect them make , every er penny they earned in the last fifteen years gone into that house , they've had one holiday in that time and erm ,gorgeous house ,no its a lovely house , full of nice stuff as well , I , I , I wouldn't dare have a party # Oh , I , well I never like so , even now I'm paranoid about it , its like a couple of times I don't know how I slept a wink , and these people are the people I trust because you don't want I know they won't do it on purpose , but I know , have seen what I'm # my parents are far more worried about how at the party than the actual kids are . # I mean I'm too frightened the things what happened what you know , the stereo nicked and # , # . # Oh well he probably doesn't trust you whipper snatchers first time I actually carried my licence with me . # Yeah , that come through quicker , come through in about eight days that . # Yeah . # All nice and sh , all nice and shiny . # Yeah it come from , I , I wasn't expecting it to come back , it come through eight days , . # That , that letter I'd written must of done the trick . # I would appreciate , I put in , I appreciate , I would appreciate your co-operation . # If you , if you put down the letter for people like this ,sort of , I would of done one of two things , I'd would get really nark about that and the way they give you what you want # so far its , so far I've been really lucky in everything I've done that too I sort of got through really quickly . # Oh yeah I never sort of like give it here or else and all this power , I would state my case firmly , but then I . # Well you're the one # You're outrageous you are , you've got to have the gift of the gab in the first place ,that's just to walk into a shop or office and , my girlfriend's think that's what chain # Its not a meagre expensive place , forty , fifty quid expensive enough though # no I missed it , it was the second part , see last weeks , but # the # One geezer died didn't he , Rocky ? # You think about fucking buried alive by the wall . # Oh er , # Why not # What , what are they doing with it ? # don't tend to take much notice of them do they ? # It is a bit shitty that in it ? # Its them that's threatened to stopping them do the overtime with . # is well out of order # Yeah , I T V had it . # That's one with the er underwater complex # but there's five ain't there ? # Yeah oh that was good weren't it ? # Most of the releases have got # Yeah , he's an # Jekyll and Hyde ? # Have you seen that er Paul Hogan film # I , I can remember bits of it now , but I couldn't on fucking Thursday , I mean , there's this bloke in er , they're they're doing a banking job , while doing a bank job and he still doesn't believe he's the main # I ain't saying nothing . # Fucking , fire's this gun at him point blank and he goes and he stands there like this , and he , he stood there and he goes running round the corner sort of thing and then he goes he can't of missed from that fucking distance you know , and its that distance and er , in the , in the car , the mate goes , the mate sort of till he passed out , and he goes bring it to me , he goes , and its still alive ,he goes , but matey in the front goes oh my he goes , I knew you'd fuck up he goes and so they're all blanks you # Yeah # That's what makes it think to the name don't he ? # Yeah , yeah I don't know what it is when he # Yeah see the or somebody like that or I yeah # Yes , its funny cos its not often we get that one , but I # Seen er , Weekend of # I've only ever seen part of it I mean where they get it rigged up and the hit man keeps coming back and he , he keeps seeing him and he's , he's walking round the place and # he sits , he's sitting there like a fly squad , # he flies # well funny , that must of taken quite a lot for that actor to play cos he gets chucked around and sort of things don't he ? # No # yeah , I've , I've seen it , its got the same dog as in the story teller # yeah it is the story teller # Michael instead of , instead of # John Hurt # Oh no . # what ? # Fuck off Trev # fantastic it stirs up a hornets nest . # Oh really good , I've never seen it , so I couldn't say . # did look quite good though . # No . # What the fucking hell's that ? # Ah ?you're taping this ? # Why ? # Who ? # Is it yours or there's ? # They come to work and asked or something ? # A day ? , fuck off . # Yeah I could do with How many tapes have you got ? # Twenty oh , # They providing the batteries as well are they ? # Yeah # getting a recorded , getting a recorded so can get a recorded contract # Terence hoping to be discovered or something , they say , they say er , # Ah ? # No it ain't , picking up everything . # . And they left it with you , I can't believe that . # Yeah . # Why yeah . # Alright you # Down here they get a few of that . # deported by Jonesy # Right oh duck , what # One which used to be around was alright uncle how you doing . # Uncle # What time is it , any ideas ? # William Golding , # there , there were deaths weren't they ? # Yeah # Yeah ,for er English literature , I think everybody has though ain't they ? # William Golding # Did you watch Of Mice And Men # Yeah # David's # That'll do for that lot won't it that little bit ? # Would you rather have a job ? # When do they all come here for nothing if you get a spare trade as well with that except . # There's a metal tray put that in . # Oh get out ! # Right , see you later , . # I'm going to get can't get no blinds but they put up with that though make a drink coffee . # Good afternoon old boy ! # Well what do you reckon seen that ? # Ah can't do that ! # I didn't know that . # Apart from # I ain't go , give me the money then ? # You calling ! # Little one . # Aha ! # Urgh ! # Urgh ! # Da da da da da da da da da da da . # Ah ! # You what ? # You what ? # When you haven't got any cash or nothing small banging in something . # I could get a couple . # Whether you should put down in front of the wing mirror # Brian said I could come # Right , are you gonna go down ? # Are you alright there ? # Caught actually bou bouncing about on the that little we didn't # bought the wagon round , yeah I made them clear the site cos well actually it's twelve being as , they are a bit stained # People had the money or the shops they were on show on the that most expensive dress shop . # Well I've never seen one shop . # Yeah # Right . # You wouldn't have to worry about them that'd solve the struggle , trouble er you got them off the # Just think it can't have . # But you think how how # you think how many people many people didn't wanna wear helmets See a lot of Oh God ! # And loads of people thought it was stupid sensible . # That'll do . # That's right yeah # Yeah but I might want a bit of help with it . # No , sorry you're way out of line Chris ! # Way out of line , I don't know where you work that one out ! # We've go got one . # It isn't # Yeah but in the middle of road . # Yeah . # Yeah bu , why don't you go up close ? # it's not gonna help . # Eh ? # Oh . # I can't . # Why is . # So # Might go and get help aha ! # Looks like most of mine face the other way more than one . # Goes like that . # Two foot even in the . # Some of them facing square although , what happens ? # Oh yeah I'm # I'm not saying that they shouldn't make a mess or like that # I'm going out and all and you can't come in without , signing . # Wipe out well go without peak time I mean . # It's about time # Fuck off , you silly sod ! # Don't lie . # They don't listen so I went outside # . # So why did you hit him ? # You practice shots . # Ha ha ! # Yeah . # It's up to the blooming restaurant . # It means that a after policeman , it's like we're on grade three . # I say . # Dunno . # I probably wouldn't wear them . # Probably kill them ,on the head well would be my problem to do it see myself coming off # . # If I drive I'd kill myself ride on the day . # I'm not really stupid that's why I'm driving home . # If you like . # Oh ! # I'm really frightened # to do it though , at the moment go over the # really frightened of that . # there was these two # Well it's a lot different from what he told me . # What was he # I don't know whether you told him but he himself # That . # Alright , but I'm coming down there . # I mean I won't come and do the record . # Gently . # See him ride them . # I mean if someone wan wants me to do it . # Why ? # Well I hope he # He said something else riding . # While he's about . # That's why I . # That's right , yeah . # But they've cut them well they done it again about a month ago no one could survive They'll only do it to get the get the key # No . # Ideally over it on my bicycle . # Won't be . # so it looks as though you haven't got in . # Yeah . # Yeah . # Le , what they say ? # Well I would ask , I got . # Well there are . # Well I did # Oh I get it . # I got pull over inside then the motorbike's # but you must have seen the metal nut in the front ! # Then he left out # The way I look at it , is there anything you can do ? # how to # Well yeah alright but I gotta # Oh I # Yeah but it could happen though . # What's the point of taking driving lessons , or motorbike lessons then ? # What is ? # Whe when you have a cycling proficiency test # No matter what car you # The rules are the same you don't say oh I can't go for a ride and I'm gonna go through announce my # Why ? # Yeah . # What like that ? # That's right that , I still don't see where # Alright , don't ! # do it so # I will pass this he he should pass . # No what I'm saying is , like , # or anything like that # because I'm not . # Why does nobody why's there been so many accidents involving # Yeah ,ni nine times out of ten , particularly when there's cars around # it is the car driver that is at fault . # Yep . # At the end of the day . # But I ca I can't unless you cover all summer and yet can't see the the ri bike riding down the road , driving a # Would you see the # Yeah cos you're not out in the morning must of heard from here . # Can't see that it matters how good a driver you are , it's not always how good you are to # Yeah to see . # Get plenty of newspaper # newspaper # Yeah and a and a and a roundabout # He burnt out # Yeah but it's gonna be quite boring # I'm doing a favour for the old my old gran . # No alright Si ? # Don't forget it ! # Oh ! # I ain't got no paper ! # Going to the mens ? # school . # He said to me oh that poor old ! . # check before we left brand new motor . # Who ? # Why did he cry ? # And they # and they drive # I almost caused an accident coming back from Bedford yesterday , there's somebody in an X R three i right up my arse so I just coming onto the motorway , the M four to Bracknell and erm comes right up my arse and I had to come out cos there was this car coming on you know , from further up the the lane and it was coming on and I was already on , so I overtook it let it did to let it come out you know ? # And he flashed his lights and was right up my arse ! # So I I sat by the side of this other car for about five minutes you know ? # Doing about sixty , seventy , normal speed ,in hurry to get somewhere and er I I just sat there and erm all of a sudden I I thought I was miles past this other car and I started going in , just to let him go past , obviously and he's I I didn't realise this other car was keeping up with me and I've gone towards it and I thought sh I'd looked in my mirror shit it's still there ! # So I just give a little bit of pedal and carried on but he was complete and utter bastard , really was ! # I always do . # Yeah , yeah I always have done . # Yeah . # Yeah . # # Nine times out of ten . # But why did you try and annoy him ? # Alright he was not # yeah but it isn't a battle ! # Who who who gets the best who no but you shouldn't do that's why there's so many accidents with people retaliating . # But don't don't get me wrong I mean I'm not saying I'm a fucking saint , cos I've done and I'll probably do it again but # Nine ti # Yeah . # Yeah . # Yeah but he's your doing it because it's annoying you though . # You just said you did it because them up your arse , it irritates you . # Course it would . # Like I said , nine out of ten if I touch my brakes they'll drop back and if they don't then there ain't nothing I'm gonna do that's gonna make them drop back . # Yeah , stupid things ! # Like slam on your brakes or going slow ! # If you're doing twenty in a forty and a copper comes along and pulls both of you , it's gonna be you that gets fucking done , not him ! # There's no law saying he can't be be an inch up your arse , as long as he don't hit you If you're doing if you're doing # speed if you're doing it in a # if you're doing # But , have you ever heard of an ob obstructive speed ? # If you're , if you're # if you're obstructing the flow of traffic by doing twenty in a forty or fifteen in a thirty then they can , by law , do you . # But like I said if it if you , if you do that then it's for them and for yourself but them being up your arse is irritating if you just fucking carry on as if nothing had happened , but you're aware of the th them doing that then I think it's a fucking I've that's a psychological edge over them anyway it's just the personalities obviously , but er # Cos they they they've obviously not made sense to realise that , a dog might run out in front of you but you're doing sixty in a in a sixty zone and forty in a forty zone you're gonna have to slam on your anyway so it's them gonna be stupid , it's not you being # stupid . # Cos if if you show them that we're not , they're not getting at you . # No they're can't you see by retaliating , they are getting at you but if they hadn't of got to you , you wouldn't of retaliated Like if I ,i i it's like if I # come up and insult you if it doesn't bother you , you won't say a thing , but if it does bother you'll come back and re say something back . # Exactly ! # So if you don't react at all # No # well # Don't you see by ha don't you see by not retaliating , you're already showing us something it's just a personal opinion I have I've it's like , I dunno if you have the se erm i if people are taking the mickey out of you , ignore them . # The same thing , if somebody's annoying you like that , ignore them like I said , I don't mean I won't just let them sit there I'll touch my brakes a couple of times perhaps do the old bit with the mirror and like I said , normally if they're if they're responsible drivers that have just happened , they got a bit close then maybe they'll drop back as I've done # but # But they are wank that # but if they are wankers nothing you do , and including , I mean I've done it in the past , slowed right down and nine times out of ten it jus it just incenses them to drive even closer . # But you've caused an accident ! # So you soo # been driver # I know that , I know that Mark . # But you would rather go through all the hassle and the dam of having the damage repaired to your car # and all this , just for the sake over a bit of retaliation ? # There is # there is no law saying that they can't drive that close to you you're advised against it . # But then again yo you're you're advised against going over the speed limit that most people do , I do I I tell yo like I said I'm not a saint cos like a couple of times when I was first driving , especially in my fucking sprint cos it was a quick car I used to drive up people's arses and wait until I could overtake them and if they did slow down that used to incense me and I'd fucking , I'd go right up there arse and then probably try and cut them up when I went , overtook them and I s fucking learnt , I got a I had a couple of close calls like , people are slamming brakes on and stuff # and , I didn't so much I just thought that it happened to me # a couple of times , you know , people were up my arse a couple of times and I retaliated a couple of times # Oh yeah but can # Oh it's not good # driving , no I'm not # saying that . # But you can't you see that # Like I said , I've slowed down in the past for people like that and they haven't you know I don't think that # So that's affecting your journey ! # I don't speed everywhere ! # Can't you that by retaliating yo # you're interrupting your own journey as well . # Obviously ! # I mean don't get me wrong # But I , I do agree with you slowing down probably does annoy them more than anything else you could do # but then again I'd rather just let them get on with it I'm not trying to convert you to the better way of doing things , cos obviously I don't know a whether there's # But I do if you listen # If you listened Mark without interrupting , I was just about to say I'm not trying to convert into a better way of doing things because obviously I don't know whether that's a different , a better way of doing it , what I said It's a just a # different way of doing things . # Alright , yeah . # Yeah but you interrupted ! # No if you listened I wasn't gonna say that ! # This is why you and Chris are so alike , you won't let anybody fucking finish what they're gonna say ! # You just jump in half-cocked , and get the wrong idea of the argument then I was just about to say to you that isn't the better way of doing things , cos obviously neither of us knows that way it's just a different way and it was just a a matter of opinion so I mean # at the end of the day it doesn't really make no odds , as long as I'm not the bloke you're doing it to ! # But then again I wouldn't be up tha far up your arse I mean , like you sa , you must have found yourself a couple of times getting close to somebody and without realising it and then they # maybe touch the brakes , and you back off , yeah . # That's still too close . # But don't # you , don't you mean sometimes they touch they're brakes # and you realise , ooh shit , I'm a bit too close here , back off ! # Yeah . # Yeah . # No I'm not I'm not saying that ,hav haven't you found yourself a couple of times , not really so much on the motorway at all you just # you just find yourself up someone's arse without realising it . # No I know . # That's too close . # Here , have you got your erm highway code here ? # What are the braking distances you know ? # Seventy five innit ? # In which case fifteen or twenty foot is far too close . # I certainly do . # And tha that is one thing I'm , I mean I'm not I'm not the best driver in the world , but that is one thing I do try not to do cos as you say no matter what the circumstances are , if I go up the back of somebody it is my fault . # And you still s dri driving fifteen or twenty foot away . # Well I mean I , yeah alright . # Yeah . # But you would , you think it's enough though ? # Yeah . # Mm . # I said what really bugs me is when I'm driving and you come from behind somebody and then somebody overtakes you and . # Didn't realise you'd got the shafts again now . # Didn't realise we got the shafts again now . # I think . # Oh right . # Yeah . # It's just at an inch this innit Mark ? # About an inch deep . # Another Terence special ! # Yeah . # They reckon there's somebody in the States that does , isn't there ? # Yeah . # Your mate would be dead if he did that ! # I just can't imagine how you could rhythm if it's like that I suppose you gotta s start with them all running but still # Might even be # He used to be able to do it didn't he , old tap tap ? # Er what was his name ? # Mick # Metal Mickey . # Can't # Mick Mick . # What did he do ? # Yeah and about ten # walk back to the car lot ! # got about two hundred # Yeah it's cabriolet . # No . # What's his name ?can't remember fucking name ! # Yeah I know . # Yeah . # Yeah . # Yeah I know what you mean . # Dorothy . # I mean how could she have a son like Joe ? # I mean that , that is absolutely totally unbelievable innit ? # I mean Joe , Joe's Joe's so # Joe's so easy going isn't he ? # He's unbelievable . # And he's got an old dragon of a mother . # No , cos he gets married to Melanie . # Yeah . # It is , it was in a magazine . # You sure ? # Stay on there you bastard . # Home and Away mate . # I used to . # She's changed . # Different character . # Been in Neighbours . # Jim . # Eh ? # Yeah ? # Emmerdale Farm . # The Bill . # Load of fucking crap . # Yeah . # teeth out . # I just fucking lost them all playing rugby and boxing . # Yeah . # Yeah . # Except for when he goes to bed # he takes them out and puts them on the sideboard . # It's fucking disgusting . # He what ? # Sounds like a right bunch . # bunch of weirdos . # Thanks . # I think . # I think about the only nicknames that my mates have got # No one 's called either Tony or Malcolm the Mountie cos he looks like Tony Slattery . # He really does . # Malcolm the mountie , yeah . # He looks like the spitting image of him I tell you . # He really does . # So it , he either gets called Tony or Malcolm Mountie . # We've got this erm I actually don't know why he's got this nickname but there's this guy who lives out in er and he's got the nickname Seamus O'Reilly . # You have to do that , it's Seamus O Seamus , how are you doing Seamus ? # And I don't think I could tell you how he got his nickname . # Cos I don't think he's got anything to do with Ireland or anything . # Yeah . # Yeah . # Like the oth # There's this other two and erm they're brothers and they're both they're both quite big . # Sort of not fat # but quite well built and all that . # And they've both got slicked back hair . # And they look like the fucking The Management . # So we don't call them what we , we call them Ronnie and Reggie . # After the Krays . # We started calling them Ronnie but it got a bit confusing . # And out of those four out , well out of the the bunch I know that's the only four that have got nicknames , that we actually use all the time . # Wanker it come out winker . # That's it . # Yeah you tell me these things . # I've I've had quite a few nicknames . # Think you should fuck off . # Cos I think you should fuck off . # Do you like your face the way it is or not ? # You sure you can't get that finger any further up there ? # Look at that , right up to the elbow he's got that finger up his nose . # Flipping hell . # Don't worry about it . # Elvis . # Is anybody . # Don't worry about me I'm singing mate . # Trying to get the time to go a bit faster . # Eh ? # No , I was singing . # Half four . # Half four . # And some of us keep to our contracts . # Yeah . # Me . # Fucking company don't does it ? # No , I'll go home when I'm ready . # Three hours . # They're not giving us four hours are they ? # They ain't keeping to their part of the contract . # I know . # Cos they keep telling cos I owe them so many hours they keep coming up to me and telling me that I owe them so many hours , you signed the contract saying you've got whatever happens . # Now they're not giving us the time to make . # They're breaking their part of the contract now . # we've gotta thirty nine hour week . # Well I do three hours overtime . # So we do three so we only get paid for thirty nine hours a week instead of forty . # And if I have two weeks time then we get paid er thirty six hour . # No , I only found out this morning didn't I ? # She'll probably go to a Citizen's Advice Bureau . # See what's going on , see what she can do about it . # One of her mates over the road's he's gonna try and get a grant and then pay for the college by that and then tell where to go with his overtime . # And that's the best way of dealing with it really isn't it ? # Still a bit cuntish . # Yeah . # I don't see why we should have to # Half , yeah on Saturday yeah . # Yeah . # Well I never did it on a Saturday . # I did it during the week and came in on a Saturday for myself . # Oh see what she does . # She'll sort something out for me . # Yeah . # Cos I've already sussed Jim out anyway cos he said it was on my contract saying I had to do the four hours . # Well I've got my contract out and it's totally different to his and any other apprentices . # I've just got another bit of paper a note saying please note while you are at college you are asked to do four hours overtime and that's not a contract , it's just a letter . # So if I wanted to I could tell them where to go with that and all . # Yeah . # It was on a programme the other night saying the advice bureau are on the er companies cos some bloke , they were employing him to do something and he sued them and got two grand out of them . # They fined him for doing something stupid # Yeah . # cunt , wonder what that would be if they put it in a dictionary . # A little turd with a microphone . # Where's the speakers then ? # I want a listen out of it . # Oh right . # It's a fucking Walkman you goon . # Yeah I know I've got a pair . # They're the # fucking . # What poster ? # Oh your middle page . # Oh yeah nice # When you're big enough boy . # My old mum can remember when the old french onion sellers used to come round , door to door . # God knows what this survey's gonna make of this all me greened up and right shitted up or something . # innit ? # Is that just him or is that what most people say around here ? # Right messed up or all messed up . # Yes . # Another quick jostle of an evening . # Eh ? # All evening . # None of these ten minute jobs . # Four hours of hard strain . # Picnic time at Rumbolds # Have you found anywhere yet ? # But aren't all their jobs linked and stuff ? # Been to er Bracknell or Reading ? # Battle of the lightweights . # Listen to it . # Shall I make the little thingumajig up for you ? # Gonna make it up ? # Make it up then . # Wanna see what it is . # Eh ? # You've been ripped off then Rich . # Fella's Trampor is fucking won't let me make his toy up . # He wants to get home and play with it . # Bit rude innit for you Mark , this one ? # No ? # Ooh . # Fucking hell . # Let's rock and roll . # Oh that looks rather sensual Mick dunnit ? # Ah ! # Do what ? # Eh ? # Who ? # Did you ? # Be a bit of a bastard if he pulls back . # Hold on . . # He's just got a little job to do . # A little # There is a house in New Orleans they call the rising sun . # Been the downfall of many young men . # I know because I'm one . . # Did you see that last night ? # We're not fucking arguing about this again are we ? # Are we on that again ? # Eh ? # Silly thing is that they actually believe it don't they ? # They fucking do ! # Yeah that's why you're getting , losing your job . # Oh right . # Where's Barry gone ? # The old boy . # live in ? # You're just a devil woman you're just a devil woman # What's that then old boy ? # No I haven't fucking lost the cup . # To tell you the truth that bothers me more than them . # Yeah . # But then again I've got fucking smoking chimney pot over there . # Mark smoke half a fag and leave it on your bench to pollute the air . # All I'm waiting for right , is for somebody to set a precedent for for erm doing people for manslaughter because of secondary lung cancer then you're fucking history sonny . # Gonna have you up there for ass attempted assault . # No I'll sue your ass boy . # Do they give you any training or anything ? # Yeah . # Do we get discount if we shop with you ? # Or do you just refrain from sending the boys round ? # How much are a pair of sort of alright rugby boots now ? # How much are a pair of alright rugby boots ? # Yeah . # Mm . # Oh give me a London girl every time . # Sing faster . # Sing faster . # My old man said follow the van and don't dilly dally mm mm mm . # Off went a van with me home packed in it # I followed behind with me old cock linnet . # I dillied and dallied dallied and dillied lost me way and wouldn't know where to roam . # Can't trust a copper like an old time special when you can't find your way # This is definitely cockney half hour innit ? # It's not even a Friday afternoon , we're all getting musical . # Hopefully that tape will have run out by now . # I said hopefully that tape will have run out by now . # I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts # Cherub , yeah . # Probably listen to it go ah ! # We're gonna turn it up full blast you bastards . # The poor tormented souls . # What is this ? # Some sort of a # torture . # Be even worse if they played his singing over the tannoy though wouldn't it ? # I mean that's gotta be the ultimate . # Work or we'll give you more Cherub singing . # Ah ! # It's true though innit ? # I tell you what what was that last tape , number eleven ? # They're not gonna get past number eleven . # Just in # just in case there's any more of what we was giving them . # I think we should have a a spares section glee club . # oh oh oh . # Oh my life . # Ugh . # Three pound seventy five for what ? # Yeah ? # Mm . # Yeah I was gonna say , just let me smack her . # No . # Don't tempt me . # I might use a chisel . # Fucking get all of them , oh messed that one up , have another go . # Ooh you know . # The sunglass drawer that is . # Shut up you . # We want , we want a video camera . # We don't want a fucking tape . # Here are Mark put two five one O O seven one , about five seven or eight . # Is it an inch and ten inches ? # Yeah , you don't know then ? # Fuck off ! # I dunno If I the exactly the same part bits on it ? # Is yours the ? # Doctor Doolittle . # ! # Rex Harrison . # Who ? # Nev never heard of him ! # Who ? # Sorry ? # Do you want to ? # I ain't dancing with you , you twit !chocolate star fish hunter ! # Got a ? # Shitty fucking shit ! # What you # What do you want me to do to prove that that wasn't me ? # If that what it takes # I do though . # It wasn't Mark . # You watch # You rewind that tape right , to about ten , eleven , twelve , something like that , I can't remember when you did it . # That's what I said , about ten or eleven or twelve . # Well it's at least one and half hour tape . # innit ? # I'd and the words would be I was bored and that's Cherub saying it , and he said that # as he was # walking back I don't know why I'm explaining that ! # Yeah I know ! # And I'm # I've admitted to it , when it has been me . # I admitted it when it was me , I even fucking repaired the stool # when it was me ! # You le , you ripped his fucking stool to shreds , and then said it was me ! # Yeah , and then I # then I ripped his stool to shreds and then fucking you you admitted to me , it was you ! # No this is , this is a fucking pain ! # It's falsifying evidence . # I'm getting the blame for crime I didn't commit . # You've heard of the six and the Birmingham four and the Renault five this is the fucking # one ! # This is a miscarriage of justice . # No comment . # I don't believe this ! # They're being a little # Oh oh what ! # Oh that doesn't prove a thing ! # This is a right fit up ! # I have to hand it to you # I have to hand it to you . # That's your printout Mick here are . # Here , the old ! # They # can print it . # And there won't be for sure . # Get off ! # Get off ! # Get off ! # Get the # Get the fuck off ! # I said , get off ! # No that really wasn't what I was trying to say Get off ! # Oh that's been all over the fucking floor ! # Yeah sorry I thought it was , I didn't realise these are coming off # I have to add that damn well to make you do it . # He's not there is he ? # Who Ton ? # What does it fucking look like , cunt ! # Could but there's no room on my bench , it's not a very flat bench either . # Yeah . # Hey ! # I don't like being accused of a crime I didn't commit , cos I admit to things I do . # I didn't do that Mark ! # I'm telling you I've admitted # to when I did it . # Ripped a bit out of his chair . # I did it in the past , right , and I did blame it on Mark , right and that last thing # No not you . # the other way around or something like that . # Yeah . # And this time , it isn't fucking me ! # It isn't me ! # I even repaired his seat for him ! # Mark cos I didn't do it to yours ! # I did it to his . # I did it to his . # Yeah well , sorry . # Fuck off ! # Shot away with him . # Him junior . # I was waiting for that ! # you played fuck all go and number four they'll be able to help , twelve and twelve ,number three , make sure you don't cut it probably got a . # Don't think that will . # It be it better not be and fucking ! # There's the main part doesn't matter . # At the end of the day , it ain't worth it . # Er I probably , she probably won't say that , she'll probably belt you round the ear ! # I love it , it's great ! # Couldn't believe he said that ! # About ,a right poof's game see he's a cunt the football . # Fucking nonsense sport ! # Must be dangerous team in the world . # Eighteen minutes past . # Yeah turn around time . # Fuck right off ! # Nice shot ! # You know you won't . # He'll have a go but he he won't succeed Mark . # Oh look he's standing near Leggio look . # I don't know . # Come on , you got an iron fist ? . # Well perhaps I can see you go for them . # Ah ! # Get off ! # Cunt ! # What ? # If you if you say something like how far would you of got , if I hadn't of called you back # Twenty seven minutes past . # I already got past the . # It's on ten minutes . # Eh ? # It's there there's no you pratt head ! # Eh ? # No , I've taken a couple , look . # taken a couple , look yeah ? # Don't know what they're gonna come out like did it with my camera . # Yeah I was a bit drunk so I don't know what they're gonna come out like . # Not badly , just enough so I couldn't focus properly . # Some rude shots Get the camera and the photos and I would and if and if there ain't any photos so I get it back into focus and he do it again and it bit out of focus . # Yeah . # Yeah it is , I know about it . # She had her clothes on . # Eh ? # No I just told her the truth , I wanted wanted some of her # I wanted to waste a film ! # No , cos I I haven't used my camera for over a year and it's been fucking flung out from S A and all sorts . # They're taking the # yeah I should of done really , so I but I didn't know I was going back . # So I've er I'm taking a load with different lenses and stuff . # Just checking it out and something to write on . # There's not the point going out there and fucking taking God knows how many pictures # and then coming back and it's not fucking working properly ! # If I was taking er # Yeah I said to her I wa wanna waste a film and I couldn't think of anybody better to waste it on . # Then I realised what I was saying , and it sort of realised that it wasn't really a a complimentary thing to say to her . # That was after she hit me ! # a couple of them in there . # Yeah . # A couple of her cats friends down last night so she wasted a couple on them . # Played this game called Snog . # Alsatian's . # Snog yeah . # I can't remember how you get there , I can't remember how cards is how many cards it is , but you get loads of cards , with with pictures of different things you have to kiss and it ranges from the hand at one point , navel six points , bottom seven , lips eight points , cheek three points , erm the chest fifteen points and there's a fig leaf one fig leaf bud in there , fifteen points and you can kiss anything you like . # Right and there's also , what it is , is there's also a few cards just with snog on . # And when you that lay down you can look at whoever what the other players have got face up and you either go for a player or you go for the maximum points . # But you've gotta try and get the most points to win the game . # And you pick you one you want to kiss and you have to kiss them on whatever their card is showing . # And then if if you lay down the joker cards you have to kiss everybody . # Right . # There was erm me , Karen , her flatmate and her flatmate's boyfriend . # Playing this game last night till three o'clock in the morning . # Quite a laugh . # I won three games in a row ! # Cos I'd kiss anything ! # I'd had a few ! # Wha Eh ? # I always get something wrong , I always I kept , I kept getting to kiss her flatmate's chest . # And I was only doing up here but er , that's good enough , sort of thing I kissed her on the lips a couple # of times kissed her on the arse # a couple of times , great ! # But somehow , I me and this other bloke managed to avoid each other . # I think he laid a joker card and I had a hand card up , so he had to do a kiss my hand . # And so you get a dice . # Well and it's the normal one to six dice and all that whatever the dice shows you times it by five seconds like . # One one dot of the dice , five seconds , six , thirty seconds , yeah ? # And he he got he got my hand for five seconds and then I I got I got his hand for ten something like that . # The rest of the time we managed to avoid each other it's good . # It's quite good if you well we were quite well away , but nobody was really jealous of each other and that . # Certainly be a good game if you know people , you're not . # You gotta have a go at strip poker though Yeah . # But the thing is we were all really I mean thing I'd we've all nearly in a state of undress anyway . # didn't play . # Yeah . # Yeah if you if there's some broad-minded adults there . # No that's right . # Nice ! # Susan trying to kiss me on the arse right and I fucking farted ! # She said you dirty animal fucking git ! # She got me she had to kiss me on the arse she fucking she had to be there thirty seconds to get the points and I farted at about ten seconds # And we wouldn't let her have the points till she came back and finished the other twenty . # Quite a funny game . # There's this thing called sex maniacs . # Sex maniacs version of Trivial Pursuit . # Like erm can't remember them erm . # Oh fucking hell , I was gonna try and remember some of the questions to bring in but I didn't . # Oh yeah , what's the things like , what is what is the highest phallic symbol in France ? # The Arc de la Defense the Tour de la Montpasset or the Tour Eiffel . # What does verversity mean ? # What is verversity verversity # Is it and it's a multiple , is it A , a woman's preference for men's clothes erm two other answers . # Sometimes there's just the totally outrageous funny answers to , sort of , some of the questions , sometimes they're similar and it's like verversity woman's preference for mens clothes . # Erm there's all stuff like that you know , there's famous things you know . # Who said who said sex is just five minutes of squelching ? # Is it A , Sid Vicious , B , Johnny Rotten , or C er Malcolm Maclaren , and apparently it was Johnny Rotten . # Stuff like that , it's quite funny . # What you gotta do is , each card , if you they ar the person in front of you asks the co the question and if you get it right you get that card and each card has got a letter on it and you gotta try and make up sex maniac . # But you can't can't throw any away until you've got ten and then you can throw one away . # And also in there there's like , there's there's the odd card saying swap your entire hand with somebody to the left or the right of you , or swap a card with the person on the left or the right of you , and that's quite funny for a laugh as well . # Some of the questions are a are right outrageous ! # Can't remember hardly any of them now . # Quotes ? # I think I've heard it . # Yeah . # it's a great shot ! # Said hey Mae We Mae where are your tits gone ? # She said , do me a favour and get off my back ! # Hardly ! # Something like # Scruples is good . # Quite good , I like that . # Yeah . # A hundred and forty one . # Mm . # What does Sud Milsch mean ? # Could be . # No not that bothered ha next time . # Cos these two are whistling . # Now do you understand ? # No you shouldn't . # Goodness # It was broken already so I glued it up , just had a look at it see how I could get it , its broken it again . # I would if I had some # No . # That's thirty . # Its got a bloody tape counter on it # Yeah , got a bag super bag , # Its a nice time sheet # Well mouth # like that # I think good copy that I the end of the week , I'm just gonna have it up there , only gone and cut that with his fucking as well . # I'm getting right annoyed with this now , why's it only me he does it too # Fucking stressed out , I'm fucking , fucking serves the cunt right as well , cos we was gonna book eight hours on that fucking job . # Yeah , what about the fucking night that we did two and a bit hours and the other little bits and pieces that we've been fucking doing it , # I get the impression mate honestly that he hasn't heard of it , I'm not sure about but Chris I don't know , fucking typical # I don't know its all a load of bollocks , right old # I haven't got a watch today # Just one ,play one each . # I won , # I don't know , there were three top knots right , who were , # Frankly , I couldn't afford the fees # whatever I get from this there's gonna be # there's gonna be a big park and , and # That was probably the most , the in , the most interesting form friendship in there ,its fucking good , I went for a job in there , but I couldn't I was an apprentice , as I say that , that's what got me going really was the fact that he had to go down and actually do a design of the and he had to work on the # Something like that , yeah . # Yeah # We always used to play the like you never see what is going on and never know the problems involved in being , that , that was what was good about the , the R A interview . # The whole idea originally is the R A was to get them we can design as well # so I mean though , I suppose that they probably had erm things they # See I don't really know much about planes to be honest with you . # Yeah # See some different characteristics and a supersonic and so that then , so the elevator and control services because at supersonic speeds , if you moved at the same distance , at six hundred mile an hour the elevator went like that , so that sort of # you're not fucking throwing the plane out of control or the elevator would rip off or something , I mean if you get the same sort of thing probably would only have to do that , break the surface a little bit . # The , we # we did two years theory as well , no three years theory # There's a , there's a lot of dead people not dead cos their dead because they've died of old age , dead because they were trying to find out how things work . # We flying a glider or throw themselves of the bridge , if it doesn't work they die , somebody learns from that , you know , I know it , it really was a fucking # this , this has been the most extreme of trial and error ever # Let's face it a war is the , the biggest single event that can increase technology in the electronics and radars two men on a fucking single budget , two men on something like a three hundred pound a year budget or something silly . # The prin I mean the principal of radar that's fucking fascinating , the did a programme on it , # and the first sort of thing they ever had was just like a little screen it just went blip and that's it , all they could tell you was there was something in their vicinity , it couldn't tell you what direction it was or what height or anything . # Yeah , and then from that they've now got these fucking things that show the direction , the sign , the speed and oh its incredible sonar's been going longer than radar , but only just we were the world leader's now , I mean we cos we , cos we preserve fuel , we knew exactly , they left it for the last minute to get up there and intercept them . # They reckon Germany done about ten , fifteen minutes combat time over the , over the # But then again they were no match to . # I mean we , we say the . # In nineteen thirty there was something like there was only about er ninety , hundred spitfires in the Battle of Britain all the rest were fucking Hurricane's and stuff # Do they still do that ? # The last , the last , the last liner oh yeah , the last liner to actually do it is erm the Queen Mary's # I mean the Queen Elizabeth , Q E two never even went into that like an average steamer , thirty five knots or something # that's fucking going some for a ship that size I would love to have be able to fly with the or something # cos that really was flying you know , that was , no , it was none of this fucking press a button and let the , just a computer do it , you're a computer technician , you're a pilot now , but this fucking Eddy , Eddy the , yeah real , there's , there's quite a few reputable # but there's only one real # there's only one Lancaster still flying , and there's no Wellington and # there's no Wellington's # there aren't any original Wellington's flying because this is why they got # no , oh yeah # its like lots of as well but this is why # this is why they were so excited about this one they found in the Lock , in the , in er Loch Ness , because it was in such superb condition and they actually reckon they can get it flying again . # are still quite , quite around a lot , there's not many of them , there are about fifteen , twenty , there's not that many P fifty one Mustang's either crying shame in it ? # There's quite a few of them , cos they were # they the by erm old air America in the early indo China wars . # Yeah , # they've erm ,erm fifty-eight's up at Black Bridge , they used to be three of them there and , one of them was used in the # one of them was used in the er film , no er , what's the Richard Burton er Clint Eastwood film ? # Where Eagles Dare , erm their flying the # That was just , that was Blackbush # I think the first , the first helicopter flight was thirty seven weren't they ? # Flying # thirty-five , I think its sort of thirty-six # What's that ? # Yeah , and they haven't changed at all . # one but its actually the same # Have they ? , # Yeah # ah ? # We can't , we can't afford to build any more Concorde's ,it costs too much # Did you see that helicopter flying backwards ? # Supposed to be , supposed to be the only one that does that . # yeah , they also fly backwards there # yeah that's right # Yeah that , that # the only one of its kind # jets at the back # can do it . # yeah # This one had er a have a little can't remember what it was . # yeah # like that # Was that a , a Sea King or something , about ten , ten years ago or something , try to do a , a loop a loop air show and crashed # it was one of these big things , a Sea King or Wessex or something like that I remember , I remember # wings are down , yeah # The Russian's build this things but they haven't got the money to finance them # they haven't got the money to keep them running # they had the money to commercially run them , # A mate of mine he says he won't tell you for about three or four years . # A well beaten aircraft # Mm , I mean you've told me this before Mark , well I , I said to you # right , that's it , you've , you've told me this three times and I've told you several times as well , the , the Russians put everything they've got into military technology , just because , just because their kids are still running around # they've got one of the biggest armies in the wor , they have # got the biggest army in the world # and they and th , what I am saying is they produce , they produce stuff like the twenty-eighth and twenty-ninth , don't be fooled because their kids haven't got enough to eat and stuff # that's , that's the time to worry # Yeah , but their military has # the military get the best of everything # but I would still bet you that , I'm not gonna say that , that their eating well , but they'll , they'll be eating , they'll be eating twice the amount of as a civilian # that's what I'm saying Mark , what , no matter what the state of the economy , the Russian military will be at the best it can be which will be # three or four times better than the civilian's # no , I mean its obvious that # no # still some of them # but every front line regiment in the Germ , in Germany had , they were the first tank regiment to get completed with er , er , computer optic sights and stuff # I should know , I was , I mean ask Mark , you know , how many people are the are , its very naive to think that , that their civilians are in a , in a poor way but their military is as well . # It maybe in a poor way compared to what the West get # but they've got so much there's eight tanks or something to every fucking one of ours # seven combat planes # fucking fifty men # Afghanistan # look what the fucking Vietnamese did too the Americans and the Americans went in their heavier numbers and more concentration # the than they went into Afghanistan # yeah , the cheaper being phased out # challenge for us , the right # but on the other hand you've got the T eighty eight the T seventy two which is , that's only like the Correan one but its still got one of the , the erm , the longest range , and the most accurate canons on any tank still , I said the , the Russian military's got some of the best in the world and that's giving the fact that they haven't yeah the , the state of their population # and I think where they # population starts getting that desperate that's the time when we've got to worry # the Russians are just , just mad enough to fucking go for it # so what happened to all this Yeltsin thing right , has has it been so much build up , speculation of the West , you say thirty years of build up on our part is being wasted , we've really got nothing to fear of the Russians ? # well yeah now , but you , you were saying this , we , we had this conversation when I'd first got here , before any of this started to happen # obviously we got to have fears , because there's something to be , they're the largest nation in fucking Europe so everybody's got to fear them , because they co-hearse all the other into being part of their group and that sort of stuff gotta be # we always did # just because # nuclear weapons # if we , if there was no nuclear weapons I reckon we would of , probably would of been at war with Russia now # but all these talks , all these talks # yeah , cos its not a union that # But like I said Mark , er the mil , NATO never used to think that they can hold the Russian's for very long in , in conventional warfare's # ah ? , see , this , this is one of # you , you , keep can't actually tell until it does happen until something does happen and then you know how well that each side is prepared . # Fear against ? # and you think part of the fear is er Russian causing the fear that communism is now spread three fold around the world . # No , I , I just said do you think after # by the which was # because , one of state # one minute shall forcibly put upon the world # by force # that there is that fear , that is because that is the second World War this is why the erm the er late thirties , early forties was never gonna succeed , because they had two completely different archaeologist , plus now in their purest form their not that but in the they were , they were never going to work , I mean that is the fact that their communists , the sole reason they've been against each other for a hundred and fifty years there is no other reason # if they were capital capitalist you wouldn't have a problem . # yeah exactly , but I think er # The Germans feared them # shear weight of numbers # yeah but shear weight of numbers like I mean America , America and Britain # American and Britain are partly responsible for the way the Russians are now cos we finance most of their industry in the second World War # , she wants the bear necessity . # All the reason that we have been against each other is because of economism and we , we # did , did have and I'll still say the only reason we haven't been at war with them is because of the army , arm # neutral wise , yeah # we hoped to we couldn't never hoped to match them # second World War # After the second World War they didn't have a economy in the second World War , now they have # They were wearing cardboard boots that froze in the winter # I can't see what the point is that was more than forty-five years ago # what's that got to do with modern day warfare and stuff ? # its got nothing to do with it # yeah , no , no nobody knows how , how they , how they do things , they've never opened up their army to us but # no I'm saying that # shear weight of numbers # shear weight of numbers # that's all , nothing else # yes , yes that's , that's one of the class of # yeah # Me you fat fart , well he's a fat fucker # What'd you mean ? # You ain't still recording it are you ? # The one who cut his hand # Bit down for somebody's mate who was four hundred and nine , was it four hundred and twenty seven million out the pension or something , # the Maxwell group , Maxwell group # what they reckon ah , is it # five hundred million or something , four hundred and thirty of that or something was out of his pension or weren't it ? # that's a lot of # Ah ? # How's it go again ? # That's what I'm saying how did he knew that # Something very dodgy going on at Maxwell group # Jokingly or # this was with a pair of glasses he took off , he didn't do a very good Michael Caine , he did er Jimmy Greaves and er Dennis Nordon , Gazza really fucking well you know ,he did a brilliant Robin Williams # yeah # its number one # yeah so do I # I might just go and see that on Saturday # He's one of a small # I said he's one of a small # who ? # yeah who do you like then ? # Steve Martin , er # John # Don't like # What time is it please ? # Janet is my favourite , Jasper Carrot # She does # as far as I'm concerned yeah # Who ? # Just cos he's not a , he's not a big star in the States # not not any , not any good anywhere else # I know , but he's not # No he's big in Australia , New Zealand # I bet you # yeah # yeah # he had this tea in his hot water bottle and he # like that # he's taken a bite and he's fucking spurting water all over the # him with his million and fucking # yeah , that , that bloke his got his fucking , there's this bloke he's got his sun glasses on and he thinks his er sun bathing , so he got this fucking what's it , his trousers on still and he's trying to get his trunks on and his trousers on still cos this blokes there , he's fucking going from all this and that # he manages to get them on and he takes off his trousers , and fucking blind folded him , he gets up and # trunks through his trousers and that's why I # yeah # I don't think , I don't think Griff Rhys Jones and Mel Smith are that funny # Hale & ; Pace are sometimes they make me piss myself and sometimes I think that was , sometimes they're # Its alright for some but # Yeah # The Jerk is probably his best , his best film ever , # The Jerk # yeah , yeah and Roxanne # I thought it was fucking hilarious # just the , just the whole idea , the whole concept of it , I'm just # yeah # and he goes er , he goes # and he goes off the big city ma ma , like this and he's got a fucking flying helmet and a flying bucket # and he's sitting outside and he goes , he's mum goes well he's been out there two weeks and he's still stood there in the same spot and he's going like that # oh # he said I don't need you , I just need this fucking remote control this desk lamp he's got his trousers round his ankles you know , he just cracks me up , # yeah he goes , I'm gonna offer to him his gonna # get me , find me more work he goes cos next week he's gonna give me a blow job if I'm lucky # cos she's a real fucking ain't she # she goes to him can you do this like , this # well he goes # well good of her # he ends up as a tramp and he gets to ah son get in and you know he fucking hanging out the back of the window we had , we had enough money to move to a bigger house right , and they got this little # I , I said all they've done is literally scaled it up to like instead of a door being that size its now like that right and the front porch instead of being that low now that high up double it , its a bigger home # we've moved to a bigger home , fucking scaled it up # it is a funny film , you seen Roxanne where he plays a fucking funny , he has to think of twenty pornographic , the only women who can satisfy two by two women at once its got here , nature loving , too much , really love little bee , give a mat to sit on and stuff like that , your gonna fucking break that in a minute , time have you Mark ? # Yeah , yeah , have you seen Filofax ? # New one out , that's really funny # the woman in these is by the farer one of the horniest bitches for me anyway # that I've , I mean she may not be everybody's cup of tea , she's well slim ain't she # but the , seen her in Real Men Face Me ? # What's it called ? # he's over there so do something so he's , he's going fucking he's gone , why have you got a gun , he said we'll think of something so he's gone over his hand # and as he's done that the mates behind him have shot him with a real gun , his gone , his gone # and this other mates got it as well and these two mates have shot , he's gone # and all of a sudden he keeps going I'll cover you # the best was on that fucking baseball and that # yeah # he , he , he , he said hard , right , so he can fucking , he said I'll , I'll take these and the first man that comes up fucking bashes it and then James er John James gets them all and when he wakes up , just as he's about to wake up John James thinks right and he fucking lays down on the ground and he wakes up and sees all these clowns all over the place # right , and he , he fucking he gets , he saying to his what , what happened , you've got all these clown squads ? # Well , yeah I guess I did , you got all of them ? # Even Bimbo ? # Well yeah I guess I did he gets confidence and he walks up with this he's getting cockier by the minute and he's well proud and he's got he sees this , his in this bar trying to chat up this woman , he says I need a , I need a didn't he say I need a smoke or something , so he looks for a woman # and he sees this really pretty woman , but , like he's got glasses on and he's got big I don't really know # you know , oh come on we'll have fun , a bit of a I don't really know , like this and he fucking , he gets let in this house and er # he says just wait a minute I'll just get everything ready so just come in when your ready so they walks in # he walks in and there's this fucking big like contraption thing there like , you know , and she's standing there # stiletto heels , fucking whips and stuff , she says right get in , what ,and he's fucking on this thing and he's going round and round and round he says I think I maybe in love , you know , he fucking come out and he's looking really awful and meanwhile this James Ritter character he was suppose to , he's stopped the robbery and sent the police and their all going wow what a guy , fucking great stuff , that is a funny film and er # who was that Mr Death is alright , its not brilliant # but its alright film as well # I love I think # that's probably the best film that's ever been , there's been shit # Beg forgiveness and say please get off my # like that don't you normally go in the garage and do it # why can't you change it in the garage ? # Well then I can't believe that any garage would , would refuse to give you a ten piece for their own machine . # Fucking go somewhere else then now you know where not to go don't you ? # Nobody has # Saying , quite easy to go into a garage then # So what's fucking new ? # so what's fucking new ? # Fucking # half past seven # half past seven pardon me . # Did you see anything about , did you see that bloody # about the events up too and leading after the events of Bloody Sunday , nineteen seventy-two # He got , got question and that in that events # said they just fired rubber bullets high into the ground fucking rules , live ammunition # no it wasn't rubber bullets , was it , it was that , that # yeah , they didn't have rubber bullets then did they , they had the old # between the fucking suppose to be aren't they ? # basically that , the erm the trains that were right , erm # yeah but they take it , they , they got documentary haven't be able to get anybody died being shot they got people being brought back wounded and stuff , but erm , basically the there were I R A gunmen there erm at least three was spotted , say in a crowd that size how many more went unspotted # right , its almost definite British come under fire but it does seem that the para's did kill erm out of , out of the thirteen , only one had any I R A links , he was a member of the , the I R A erm , and out of the remaining twelve only three of them might of fired a gun , you know , they leg or the hands , by the side , by the gun # and er , but apparently they did a , they did a test and that was also a package where the stuff like that , transfer although those three may of been carrying weapons , they split open the policeman , but this does seem to basically at , well not no , not indiscriminately they didn't say that but they shot innocent people , I mean like I said well the I mean that's got to kill in those streets and stuff the ricochet's can go quite easily go through somebody but there , there was , there's always been claims er , there's no I R A gunmen there # apart from one Reverend the most Reverend Doyle or something and he saw one gunmen and he saw him fire a couple of shots and they told him to piss off out of sort of thing # so I mean if , if they caught one , they actually took a photo , managed to take a photo out of all those hundreds of people , look how many more were , were there , and it just seems like basically their not sure who fired first , obviously the Irish say it was the British them and the British say they were fired upon first and erm , on , on the strength of it , who , who would you rather believe I mean , somebody that's been living in Ireland for twenty odd yea twenty years now with all that happening around him being able to be got at by the I R A or a British body who may , may be up on a murder trial , you know , the , at the end of the day its six of one and half a dozen of the other , they've both got stuffed by a bleeding troop # so it really does think that all I # No they were , that's what they were weren't it when it all happened , the old Revered somebody or other , they wilful murder but erm yeah basically it doesn't seem like , there was no real evidence as to who erm fired first and there was no conclusion that the about that , but they were certainly I R A gunmen , para's , its like without a doubt if you know some people , but like with those high powered weapons they may , alright its unfortunately that somebody may have got shot , but it may not of been the main shot , that may , may of been a ricochet or , or anything like that , both their they've got a killing range of up to three mile so one mate come round , he says he's gonna come round again tomorrow and have a look at it # well if they ring up tomorrow , erm one bloke says he might ring up tomorrow , one said she'll , she'll come round at the weekend and another bloke said # Dolomite , its in the paper , its in the paper for five-fifty , but I told that lady last night is it , what , what is , what's , what's your minimum offer , I said well I want four hundred for it I'm not going to take any less so I was , I was sort of and # but erm , I think I down by his legs ,all this and erm , you know , its bang , bang its just like , its over in a split second , you don't have time to be this , I was there and there nobody really new what was going on and all this sort of stuff , he was probably one of most honest about , well , one of the most honest little bloke more willing to speak about it ,and he had this other one it was right you know like , er , well I'm already taking further than I'm willing to go on this course , what you need is , well look , you know , all I know is that we was first ,saying no more than that ,not willing to go . # The only thing , the only thing that all of us said categorically is they were fired upon first , but the trouble is they've had fucking twenty years to , to think up their side and so there's that so # so have the Irish . # Yeah . # Yeah , but the other thing was , it wasn't that , towards the end of the programme , they weren't so much who fired first , its , erm , there is , there is no evidence either way to support either story , the Irish say there was no Government , there was nobody running for Government you know , said that they had three # So it doesn't , still doesn't rule them out # You don't fucking # Yeah # yeah # he still alive ? # No # Not , probably not . # Not a # Yeah # Who's that , your old man ? # Sounds like # I mean lead can be picked up at what put your hand on the exhaust . # Fucking have that on the inside of the # I don't know who it # fuck off # Oh it might # An hour in bed , # Are you still sort of staying at the same or # Ah ? # Oh . # Fell out the bag yeah boring night down at the # Boring evening in # probably end up watching video's and this evening . # drink # Eh ? # Its three a week , sometimes I don't , depends what date he goes , its up on # trolley load on # Did you get a good fair offer or what ? # You did what ? # Ah ? # No , get them developed , later I suppose . # I don't know where it is # I , I respect her privacy # I do # I once nearly read her diary and I thought no I'd better not # Yeah # Na , course she hasn't # she loves me Its one of these quite big ones with a little catch on the outside you know , a little , # and it was er open on her bed , she popped out for , for about , I dunno forty odd minutes to get her hair done or something I was well tempted to have a look , but I thought no if I get a diary and somebody looked , looked through mine I wouldn't be happy about it , so I didn't its quite a hard temptation but # quite hard not doing it . # No # What diary ? # Well I keep a diary now # oh see you later mate # where , where you off to ? # where you off to ? # Yeah # Oh , just in time for nineteen ninety-two # , yeah good luck , good luck , see you later # Be a funny old day won't it ? # What you # Is he , where's , where's he going to ? # Hamburg . # Did he say where ? # Does he , does he know which firm he's going to , # Where ? # sorry ? # Airbus , oh done well Mark # I've got his telephone number at home , I might phone him up # the trouble is if their looking for people to start Sunday , I can't start Sunday . # Got to give them a week's notice # I might phone them up and just , ask them if there's any jobs going after Christmas sort of thing # That's right , its a job Has he got the flight out there and everything , they pay for it ? # Is he going on Sunday ? # I'd love that , I'd love to pick up # I don't know . # I should think its quite hard to get into it # Yeah I never thought of that , yeah I suppose its colder you don't have to take that many clothes out there do you , cos get out there # I think if I was going to go Sunday I think I'd buy myself a few cos that # I've got two boxes at home , but I I mean its not brilliant , but they do the job for me could be worth cos he driving out there as well , wouldn't mind start get the old ferry ticket's tomorrow and piss off over there , straight through France , # out to Holland # Well you could of done really , I mean you could of fucking rang in , rang in here on a Friday and # you know , if they want the first day , then there gonna have to do another lot so what's the point of sort of yourself out with fucking , I wasn't really sure at the time that I wanted to go to so , you know , I , I said no I needed this job , but probably a bad I've been offered a couple of month one's as well , one month and two month's , but I mean the trouble is # Well most of them they saying are six contracts , now they say , say , six month contract or eight month contract or a three month contract , but I just had a couple that were like oh they could be a # couple of months he said he , it could be a couple of years , it depends on how quick it get , work gets done and how long they think they need you . # forty-eight . # Fucking alright , I haven't been up to the today , I've spent most of it sat fucking here . # What ? # Yeah this is taken this piss isn't it ? # yeah we've heard you don't give it to Karen in the French style . # No fucking idea . # Mucking about # the place , sex # That could be it # Yeah I know that . # Yeah # No I mean like that # That , that , that little French , that little French girl I fucking , I told you I met # over in Spain , she fucking had she had her right the way round there , sniffing out the fucking size of it ,felt like saying do you want a quick short back and sides girl . # She , she does she once , she never let me in the pass , she never let me for my birthday . # She never let me for my birthday . # shave her # For Christmas she said can I shave you ? # All I want for Christmas is a smooth fanny # No shave and then you shag a girl # Ah , getting that yeah # yeah but I ain't gonna have to worry about it I'm not gonna be back for a month am I ? # For Christmas Eve I'm gonna get the old fucking out # She'd be up with it as well , cos if I sleep I ain't never going to get it . . # tissue all over it # I wouldn't mind another # Stick the tissue on it # Definitely different . # Yeah , see where its going wouldn't you ? # Does it , is it , is it the # He has done it before . # With a bloke # . # Its its just me putting after shave on argh . # Oh no . # Oh god I bet he passed out # didn't he ? # What that small bollocks . # . # Yeah # Ooh . # I don't blame him really . # Yeah # Don't join the T A # Would you go around with your # Oh , Roger's got bald balls # There's some , there's some guy . # Shaved this Lieutenant Sergeant Major eyebrow off when he was sleeping one night , and he was in front of the , the Colonel Chief and Regional so what he did , he , cos it , it took , taken ages , took about three months to grow back , so what he did was he shaved the other one off as well # and like , just blended it in with like one of these pencil stuff , so funny # apparently he went , he went round telling everybody erm he was doing a live exercise and he got singed or something but this , this erm , its Browndown on the South Coast and it was , it was a Christ it was a Christmas piss up , regiment Christmas piss up and anything goes , as long as you don't physically hurt somebody , although that has been known to happen and its not criminal anything goes right , but honestly the worse you do to somebody the worse they do back to you , and people are getting tied bollock naked up the flag poles , dumped in bins , erm , tied in their beds , put out in the middle of the parade ground , fucking all sorts of things you know , like what we can do , the most common thing is nicking , you know the old walking pay slips they've got # nicking them and capture there pay slips and you get it , you get a little brass plaque on it saying captured by so and so and the date , cos obviously they get fined for loosing it and all that sort of stuff # oh yeah its army property , must cost about , they cost about eighty quid or something # the pay slips they use in the can actually marked up and its got the exact # oh yeah the people , matey's walking along and he's going like this and he's pulling it as he's doing it , he says and he's doing it in proper time like that , but with one arm going he's twiddling it , he's doing it , he says no my feet are exactly like that , very effective but you can actually get fined for loosing them , you have to pay for them and its like a real , shooting sticks as well ,you don't tend to carry erm , these pay sticks you carry them like the old shooting sticks , the old you know ? # we captured them ,great laugh about that , really is , its just a , its just a weekend of piss up basically . # Every night in the fucking raunchiest games , it doesn't matter if your a girl , if your girl and don't want to play fine , if your girl and you wanna play well , quite like the bloke sort of thing you know , there was no , nothing er , no given , the fact that your a female , and they used to go in as hardly anybody half the time , erm , indoor rugby and shit like that # with a cushion . # You know , nine times out of ten you don't even get round to take the tables and the chairs out the way , just fucking fall over them # erm fucking indoor murder ball , the seat , cushion and stuff like that , its fucking well out of order piss up games oh that's right I think we played in , I think we played , you know that British bull dog thing ? , we managed to clear all the fucking the nappy chair this and the chairs out the way , we were playing this British bull dog sort of thing and the only thing , the only , the only difference was when you got caught , got , everybody was fucking giving you a few thumps in the arm , for good measure like , and we played about four of this and every time this cocky little son of a bitch didn't get caught , he was always the last person , so we fucking said , we said , me and this other guy's that are in our troop and that er , we said right we'll get him , so when , when everybody sort of go for it right just after the one person in the middle , said fucking just get this guy and fucking pin him down and do something to him right , we didn't , I think we said we'd just get him , yeah that's a good idea , so he's gone right go and his mate he's fucking took off two steps and there's eight of us fucking dived on top of him , what the fucking , he's struggling , get off you cunt so we pinned him down and at first we was just going to de-bag him in front of the women , we've taken his boots off and his trousers and that and shave his bollocks , yeah the whole fucking yeah , it was like an audience , all that they sort of gathered up the chairs and the tables fuck have his bollocks shaved . # Well out of order , the thing is if that'd been , if that'd been another troop trying to do it to him , there would of been , there would of been shit # but because he knew it was our troop , you know but erm , that's the thing when you , nine times , about eight times out of ten you did it to another troop , but then again they did it back to you , but this time he was a right cocky son of a bitch , I mean we all liked him , but he was right cocky bastard , so he # thought he was it so we decided to bring him down three pegs or two # Yeah , its thicker now Mark , but they shaved me round here , you know er , we had , Kevin , Kevin # yeah he was the fucking B U L G A R , he was a right good laugh actually he's still there , he's a Lance Corporal now # I , I , I was lucky in the three ground I went too the worst that ever happened to me was I was put head first into a dustbin , but luckily it had been emptied it was still well mucky , but I just fucking went and had a shower , and I come out of the shower and I'd got pounced upon again and I was there , it must of been a funny site , there's me right in just a pair of fucking deck chairs that we used to wear for the , the shower block right , fucking shaving , er like the wash kit bag in my right hand and I was holding me fucking towel round , round me waist with me left , I was streaking across the play ground , going as fast as I could # and about fifteen of the erm eight , eight , five troop chasing after me , it was like our sister troop yeah , we were , there was three troops in our squadron , eight , eight , five , eight , eight , six and eighty , eighty , seven and then there was three squadrons and a regiments , there was nine troops there , so like , if it , basically it was your troop and nobody else , but then it was your squadron and , and anybody else and then the few times that I , on regiment it was your regiment and nobody else , like , we could touch you cos your our regiment but if you try and touch us ,you can get fucking hell , but it nearly always come down to the troops , and the thing is eight , eight , six , only had , the first year that I was there we'd only had about thirty people , fourth year there had I opposed like fifty , sixty and seventy , second year we were there we had about forty- five opposed to like sixty , seventy , eighty , and the third year there we had about fifty opposed like fucking seventy , eighty and ninety in a , in a troop , so we were always well out numbered and we were by far the most outrageous # well , huh , one of our fucking sergeant's right , we were taken erm some of the recruits from another , another troop I mean , er nine , nine , one or something it was one of the other squadron's and er , and he's got them inside where's he's like fucking the old erm # eleven forty six , he's got them inside , I think I told you about this didn't I ? , and I was inside helping them out like , he was outside , he didn't have his gas mask , we were doing the things , like M B C stuff , and I'm inside and he said right you will each go to a post , where inside this tent , each to go to er , erm , cos there was six people inside and like there was six posts , he said you each got to a post inside the tent and on the you will pick up the tent , and I new what was coming , done it before sort of thing and erm , were all in M B C stuff cos there's still lots of gas , but there wasn't for very long , and he said right on the you will , er he just said , we picked it up right , were all fucking all fucking I said go on then , # and then he's , he's fucking started marching us around the parade square and and we can't see a fucking thing inside there , and he said er come out a minute , so I've blinking gone out and I've noticed were about fifty yards from the beach # so I've got out , I , I said to him you thinking what I'm thinking , he said yeah shall we do it , most out of order it is a bit cold ,middle of , middle of December like # twentieth of December or something like that ,he's , he's fucking gone yeah , right troop right turn # so the whole fucking tent shuffle's round , he said , you remember you are part of the British army , if you disobey orders you will be brought up on charges , by the left quick march , and he's fucking walking them to the sea # tent an all # I said oh you cunt , said I'm your troop you can't me go in there , he says try me , I said bastard so I fucking right sea , fucking over the right you can come out now , marched back out again gave them a right old on the way back again ,get changed again , alright , I thought you cunt # and er , this is what I , this is what I wanted , to tie to the flagpole and left him there for about an hour he had his pasting as well . # He was our , he was our squadron but not our troop you see , see if I'd a been his troop he probably wouldn't of made me go into the sea , but it was fucking cold , I mean , I mean full M B C kit right # trousers , boots , fucking the leggings , the gloves , the mask anything , he made me fucking walk into the sea . # quite like , yeah , I'll never forgive him for that , he's now our troop's sergeant , he's got a transfer to the other squadron one of these troops , to er , to a troop . # I went down there about a month ago say hello to them all . # , we er , we , we did some , I mean that was a proper weekend set aside for but I mean they really about practical jokes being played and stuff . # I used to like , I used to like the P C # yeah , I did like the used to make but I used to like the # But the thing is once you'd fit you could stay there . # You used to work fucking hard though most weekends . # Like a lot of weekends you'd leave , you'd leave the T A centre about eight and then from eight o'clock Friday night too about , well you'd be working until about three o'clock Sunday afternoon , and you are lucky if you'd got three or four hours sleep working you don't notice , you get tired but you don't feel that bad and it was only like I used to come home on a Sunday crash out about sleep about . # My old man said he's erm , he used to go down to er , every , every sort of six months or so , cos they were in he was in charge of fucking then , he'd used to have to go on manoeuvre's about sort of six monthly or something like that # just for re-training sort of thing . # The first time he went down there he set , set a had to take the waters out , you know ,said you've done it before ain't you said yeah I did it in in para's and the bloke said yeah , right he said erm well there's not a lot I can teach you senior N C O's he said you might as well piss off down the pub , I'll see you later # Yeah , then the , the old man and about three or four of these N C O's , he was senior N C O , sort of , sort of corporal and the rest of them were corporal and lance corporal's , but he was the one in charged of the # water section and then maybe , maybe the other month he used to you get about three thousand rounds of blanks and stuff # like we did eh # like you do up # going for a that was brilliant I got and that , and I tried , I had a whole box of er , erm ,thing is , when you hold a thousand rounds of ammunition , I got given about two thirds of this box all for myself ,so I'm there for about three hours before the exercise I had and then put the rest in the then we sat down for another hour filling them up again , superb , we had loads of bung in the windows grenades # it , we , we had to do it properly , but the idea of the machine gun go in there and go away # Really # . # The thing is the way the way # Get the bomb squad out any way , but erm , the British army has got a lot of important that's they way we would fight the Russians , take over a small hamlet , mortify it and that's how the only way we would ever up the Russian's grass nest , they take it very seriously , so what they did if they tell us how to do it , walks us through , show us what to do , let us do it and then they'd make us do it again , but without any mistakes and that , it was really good and they showed us how to er mortify up a house , go , going through all the sewers and stuff is quite fun # yeah # you don't obviously , but # It is , it is simulate valve which basically your out in the open and you see somebody firing the regiment , I know its a bit silly but there is no real way , mind you , # its not , you can't , the thing is you can't defend them without how you die , you can't train people how to avo to die , you can only train them how to avoid it , so it doesn't really matter if you get fired or not , but they show you the drills and you have to do them to the best of your ability the blank rounds are only there to the conditions , now this is why they've got these laser got laser sights all over the body , helmet and torso and the actual weapons got a laser on top and you get , if you get near one of these things you go dead and your out , and you can actually simulate # but then again there , but you , you fire off the blank , that's what triggers the laser sometimes if there's been a lot of , we did , we did it in a couple of time see the old laser go , cor , its got very think red beam , its not like you see these big flashing great big bits of light like on Star Wars and stuff , well its not , its not suppose to hurt you its a very thin piercing beam , its well impressive . # Yeah ,that is small hard weapons . # Its about , for , for the kit on use of your body and the stuff that your weapons its about a thousand pounds # expense , its er state of the art equipment . # As normal the Americans had it first , had it first # oh not into battleships Mark . # the only battleship I know about is the girl friend go away for about three months at a time and you'd say of where's Norman , oh he's er working and then we all knew he's working for a he'd put them in the computer systems right the way throughout the ships # like I said we at least to go on one complex exercise every month which , although they can't physically make you go on it there was , you know , they more or less made you go sort of thing pay to do and then we were there the other weekend we had one of these weekends where be more fun , really hard work though it'll be more fun for # Ah ? # They still # that's why they have these on the end of them weapon with a yellow fork at the end ,but even without that you still get lots of little bits of cardboard come out , its a cardboard wad inside its the same charge as a but its a cardboard box , cardboard blank inside # and it shoots it out . # You can shoot them at close range I mean there was a # yeah there was an actor erm and he was playing Russian roulette with and he put it up to his temple , pulled the trigger the blank went off , bloody blew his brains in . # The thing is , if they always give you and you , your , nine times out of ten what they do is like , is either , they either put a can over there or a beer or something , they put it over the end of the , the weapon pull the trigger and that , even with a flash that can go like that , and then they show you one with the , the erm flashes right which have more powerful than the and they've actually got same again same charge as a life grenade in , but it just plain cardboard so , obviously no trap , but if you lay on them ooh er , you get or something you don't throw what they do now is they put one they light one , put the helmet over the top of it and make it lit , it runs like buggery and it'll go a hundred , a hundred and fifty foot up in the air and inside it looks like its been and where its been in the thing it'll be like er , six seventy foot off the ground , I mean I laid on one once and I ,landed about two foot too my left so I've rolled over , rolled , rolled , and rolled , as I've rolled I've rolled over on my back and I've had all loads of over , like the , I had a roll there its like the er # stuff keep the half way up my back its all padding and stuff and I've rolled over , as I've rolled over there 's been another one it has gone off , it felt like I've been kicked in the back by somebody really having a go at me , it threw me and even with all that I had a like that so there not , there not kiddy toys . # How long ago was this ? # Is it , it looks a bit like a , the one laying down . # Yeah # Karen whatever her name is # Ah ? # Yeah # Shitler # My old man in his regiment they called each other bow . # Hello bow how you doing # Yeah , it seemed to be a fucking secrecy I suppose . # Yeah # Ah see that girl though , got accused girl scouts or something , she refused to swear an oath to , to god , because , she wasn't sure there was one , she'd swear it to the queen , # but wouldn't take an oath for god so they wouldn't let her in . # You know sort of eleven years old , she said I'm , I'm god , its not been proved to me , its not been proved # sort of , so how , how can I swear in all honestly , I thought it was really good . # I thought how , how can I swear an oath to god in all honestly if I'm not sure there is one , I thought yeah blimming right , I mean , she wouldn't just take , say it so she obviously said , she obviously said the right theories # and I thought bloody right , they wouldn't let her in . # as long as we get that cleared up . # As I say , fun , fun , fun I say , like I say sometimes you can do a pissing rain in a fucking hole and have about four hours sleep at the weekend , then we get , we get back get into the bar and we'd have a fucking good laugh about it . # You make some really good friends , friends you fucking trust your life on sort of thing or your girl friend get a million pounds in , in , in a amazingly short time , cos you've got to work together , its really , really good . # Tell you what , I would love to , like to for me to be a sergeant again and get someone like that in my troop fucking break him . # No , I mean instead of # Er , well there is , there is a there is in every but I don't know where they main one is sort of like in it , I don't know where I don't know where the , the military stock aid is I think they've just got don't they ? # with me wrong hand I don't told you that didn't I , I was well shagged with someone fucking swim left hand # Don't give us that shit # Get out of work ? # British Aerospace was brilliant , as long as I had , I had a good reason to go away they'd give me , they said they'd pay for , I mean one year I did six weeks away paid and then anot another year I did two months non pay and I still kept me job , that's when I went up the for two months all I was just labour doing it then . # Eh , yeah regular army pay , great that's really what made me decide to join the army , that was in the T A but I regulars . # All I do I got out sort of the sort of about eight thirty and then I , I'd work to about half three and all I'd wanna do is , we , we'd fucking , we'd set up the cable then we'd all sit down and do nothing while the old erm , the M O D people had obviously it , and then they tell us to take it down and move it and we move it and set it up again , its like out of a , out of a seven hour day , we'd only work about three or four , like here . # I've got my own silk lips attached to the fucking # Eh see that woman who right ? # I was fucking like that and the thing come that way # It would of , it would of got me I tell you . # direction it'd fucking slice me ear off I reckon . # I thought I don't like all the he's gonna fucking have me , so I sort of got down like that and as he fucking come round the thing must of gone like that , sort of that sort of bearing . # Fucking would of been taken me ear off . # I wonder if he'll give me this . # Thirteen O one . # Thirteen O one . # No . # I fucking better I think if he , if I don't get half an hours pay fucking # Well I ain't doing sort of I ain't doing nothing sixteen minutes until it gets back . # Cheeky bastard . # Here we go . # That's outrageous . # That's over five percent . # About five an a half , six percent or something . # Yeah . # Cos five percent on a on a hundred pound would be a fiver wouldn't it ? # So they charged you er # five and a half , six percent they charged you . # See I'm I'm only allowed to take fifty pounds worth of rand into the country so I've gotta do it all in travellers cheques . # Mind you their rate of exchange if if you'd have bought all pesetas in this country it would have probably been a better rate of exchange for you . # Rather than out there . # Well that I I us I got a better rate of exchange out in S A than I did here . # When I changed up fifty quid's worth here erm on the Monday I got four point three five . # And on the Wednesday when I changed them out there I got four point seven . # That's a lot of fluctu-fucking-ation though . # But that's still quite a lot . # Yeah but yeah to us . # To us . # But they're talking # about big business and that . # That's a lot of money . # I know it doesn't mean much on a thousand pound or something silly . # But i like it is I mean it's quite a lot considering the money markets and stuff . # I dunno . # When I went out there with Sandra I was told that you normally get a better rate of exchange in the country when you change travellers cheques . # Maybe it was the opposite at the time . # You're not allowed , you're not , you're only allowed to change notes as well aren't you ? # Yeah . # So now you see why point three five or whatever is # Don't know why you're going there in the first place . # Dive . # Eh ? # Oh it's on top there . # Suppose I better start in a minute , hadn't I really ? # I might have to hurt you for that . # I said I may have to hurt him for a remark like that . # I ain't gonna start . # Oh god . # I'm feeling that way inclined as well . # Oh god . # I think I'm just gonna go round me girlfriend's and sleep after she's given me my food . # Lord knows what she's cooking . # How is cousin Billy nowadays then ? # How is cousin Billy now then ? # Yeah . # It wasn't one of the funniest ones . # It's good . # The ar the wooden artillery gun . # Who who's that matey , Kenneth something innit ? # Or # No the the camp commander . # The little guy with the moustache . # Kenneth no . # Kenneth Connor ? # Who ? # Yeah he hasn't appeared in many . # Carry On Camp he was in wasn't he ? # I liked the the Tarzan one . # Yeah . # Had Terry Scott as Tarzan weren't it ? # I think Carry On up the Khyber Pass was famous though with old erm # Roy Castle . # Carry on Screaming ? # Yeah . # There's been lots of good ones . # Who's the erm the big titted wench that's in all of them nearly ? # No no no the other one that # Joan Sims . # She used to play really voluptuous ones in the earlier ones and then she was the old tramp wasn't she ? # Barbara Windsor that took over from showing her tits . # Who # who was the one that was in Carry on up the Khyber cos she was tasty ? # Jack # Jack Douglas . # He's a freak isn't he ? # Kenneth Williams ooh stop messing about . # What was that one ? # Where he was in , and archol and archaeologist or something ? # And he had that big titted Russian woman in the same the same caravan on the caravan park . # With er # with erm with that matey and # No , Carry on Camping had Sid James in it . # Yeah and it had Windsor Davies in it didn't it ? # and the matey who who who was the one that # who was the one who played the missionary in Carry on up the Khyber pass and that ? # Missionary . # The one # The one that was caught bonking in the very beginning sort of thing . # Tried to convert that girl . # Yeah . # Who was that matey ? # Jim Dale . # He's been in some good ones actually . # Cos that was the same matey wasn't it ? # As his butler ? # Yeah Phil Silvers . # Yeah . # He he'd wreck himself wouldn't he ? # Get another medal for it . # Yeah he was Commandant Le Pew or something wasn't it ? # I say this is not cricket what ? # I say , are we allowed to do manual labour ? # As our shop steward representative I don't think we can allow this sort of thing brothers . # Eh ? # No . # I just saw the bit where he was on about the erm short sighted hedgehog . # And the dog going down his leg . # I just saw it # Yeah . # Yeah . # Yeah . # It can be the sign of a nervous breakdown . # Somebody s somebody does a er develops a nervous twitch and stuff . # Yeah . # I'm not saying he hasn't , but you know that can be the sign . # Yeah , probably . # . Depends how much I won . # Yeah , I'd probably fuck off for a year and do my own thing and come back and maybe take take , maybe start my own business . # I'd love to start my own car re erm refurbishment business you see . # Like that's how I got that two and a half grand . # By doing up old cars and selling them . # Yeah ? # I'd only do something I enjoyed . # Like it's different if you're working for yourself because at the end of the day it all goes in your own pocket . # Any , any profit you make . # I dunno . # See you in a few years time with fucking . # Cos Charles is off the er drugs . # Amongst them a former work colleague Tramp . # Alias Mark . # A reformed hippie with a food complex . # Who is still at large , unknown whereabouts unknown . # That's Chris 's right hand man . # Barry the Barry the weasel # Yeah and Chris 's right hand man and Barry the knife . # getting caught business . # We'd all be criminals if we couldn't get caught . # He done my head in so I shot him in it . # I've heard of parents shopping their sisters . # So do you get on with her ? # Take that as a no then . # Get on with her ? # Can't be bothered speaking to her . # You don't know where your own sister lives ? # Close family then . # Who's that ? # I've just deep-throated that banana . # Karen's been trying to do that . # She can't manage it yet . # She'll get you have to sort of get over the gagging . # Oh come on ! # No as soon as it gets anywhere past the top , you only have to have about a four inch dick . # So you're alright . # . # Cos as soon as soon as you get anything down to about there where your swallowing thing is # you have to try and overcome the gagging don't you ? # I mean you can make your your fingers so you can fucking stick a dick down there . # And every time my , every time she tries a deep-throat she panics . # Starts going # So I said is that going is that # is that too far ?fucking # It's not , it's not good manners speaking with your mouth full . # She likes giving head but she doesn't like swallowing . # She only swallows as a special treat if I've been really good or something . # Or if I'm really # Yeah . # Slurp . # Ah . # She hates it . # Apparently it's like sucking I dunno salty warm yogurt . # That sort of consistency . # That's what she says . # She says it the same sort of consistency as yogurt but it's salty and it's warm and it's not very nice at all she said . # My last girlfriend used to though . # She used to , she used to love swallowing it . # Oh it was great . # I tell you what , I never used to shag her hardly at all . # She used to like giving head so much I used to fucking right drop them yup slurp that was it . # It was fucking gobble you off in the kitchen with me parents upstairs and stuff like that . # You did it without ?fucking mad . # Yeah Mark apparently he's got the second biggest cock that this had ever seen . # Are you sure # she said you've got the second biggest cock or you are the second biggest cock she's ever seen ? # And they shagged without a condom . # Do you know how babies are made ? # Do you know about AIDS ? # You don't have to come of her . # You get a discharge without fucking # No , not semen . # You you either get a pre a pre-cum shit out of it . # And that contains a small amount of sperm . # That's how fucking this AIDS is spreading . # People can't can't be responsible . # They're just shagging without condoms . # And if she's had a few your a stupid fucker for even being # up there in the first place without anything . # I still wouldn't do it . # There's no way I would fucking shag a girl # without # The day that I first shagged Karen without a condom was about fucking two , two or three months into a relationship . # We'd been shagging for about a month . # Yeah . # All the time . # She was on the pill as well but she # I'm not stupid . # I know enough about fucking AIDS and shit to worry about it . # Do they ? # I don't , I peo blokes seems to say oh yeah I hate using condoms . # You wouldn't catch me using one of them . # But I don't feel as if , I mean it's it's not the most pleasant thing in the world but it's certainly fucking sa it's safer than a lot of their more easier to put on and take off than and fucking safer and more effective than a lot of their contraception devices . # And er # and # I don't know . # I just I just don't see why # blokes don't use them . # I mean it's not as good as without but it's still fucking good . # If you don't find it good with a condom there's something wrong with you . # No . # Wow . # Don't watch it . # No apparently I'd gone in the bog , I wasn't feeling bad or anything . # He said , said you were just standing there and all of a sudden he said you looked at me looked back at the wall just went pee he said it's all come out , it's all splattered all over the wall he said , you did your fly up , wiped your mouth , washed your hands and went out again as if nothing had happened . # He said I was left stood there with this other mate on me other side going what's he had to drink ? # I can't remember fuck all about it . # But this must be the first time I've puked for about two years . # But I had a lot to drink and that's that time I was telling you about . # Fucking fifteen pints or something . # I was telling Mark # they reckon I climbed up the outs the outside of a fucking multi-storey car park for two flights . # Oh I do I sort of I do do things like that . # I can't remember that but # You're not gonna say this old couple fucking put their hand out and # I can't remember nothing about this . # I can't remember apparently like I said I I didn't say I'm gonna be sick . # I didn't look it I just stood there apparently fucking splattered against the wall , dribbled down and I didn't fucking . # I just wiped my mouth and washed my hands . # Yeah there's this multi-storey car park . # Go down go down a level for the first # And there's like a brick wall about that high and there's two flights above it . # And what say where's , where's the old car ?on the second floor . # virtually second and me and this matey said go on , race you . # Right ? # So he's fucking ground floor so I thought fuck this . # And I got up on the wall right ? # Got up on the wall # leapt across the like fucking ledge , you know they're not very high erm presumably # get to this ledge . # Climbed up the outside of this ledge you know like car park . # Stood on the of that wall reached up , pulled myself up that wall . # stood there # Where the fucking hell's the car then ? # Where the hell the car then ? # . And all the time he's on the ground floor . # And all I could remember and all the the only thing I can remember about that was running after the car with . # Fucking messing about something and I can't remember a thing about it . # You do that when you're pissed . # I do anyway . # I do fucking when I do silly things like I rip bus stop signs # bus stop si bus stop signs off the fucking things . # Nick road signs and stuff . # That's the last thing you've ever done you cunt . # Fucking nea ooh groin strain . # Fucking as I did that me whole fucking foot went . # I never know whether they're taking the piss or not cos I can't remember it . # I have about eight pints and I blank out . # I can't remember anything about the whole evening . # Just like , like bits and pieces . # It's bad . # Yeah . # I said one night er this matey's come up to me , and he's like one of me mates and that and he said fucking hell you had a skinful the other night didn't you ? # I said who told you that ? # He says you stupid cunt I was out with you most of the evening . # I couldn't even remember he was fucking sat there with me . # Well I never do , I haven't even been doing anything . # All I do is fucking drink . # It'd be a right nightmare if I did drugs as well . # Wouldn't know what the fuck was going on . # I drunk these fifteen pints and I fucking looked as if I was dead . # All I did , all me and my mate did was sit there all day Sun Saturday and just fucking veg out in front of the telly . # Yeah , feeling fucking rough . # And I last Friday I had , I had a skinful as well . # That's why I went sh I had a hangover , a raging fucking hangover # You watch , he'll get in that pub and fi first thing he'll fucking do is I'll have a pint of lager please . # The first one may take a bit of time getting down but after that it # it'll oh the first or three always t # and they always fucking take their time getting down . # Oh no I can't do that . # If I was left to it the first pint would go about # thirty minutes , forty minutes . # The second pint about thirty minutes . # And then after that I'd be drinking like a pint every twenty minutes or so . # like if say we would , we would get out by about seven . # By about nine o'clock right my mate would have say five or six pints inside him and I'd have two pints sat there on the fucking table . # And he'd be call oh you lightweight , you gonna drink it ? # And I'd be going fuck off , they're mine sort of thing . # By by half ten # by half ten he'd have a fucking pint sitting there and I'll be going come on then you cunt . # Get the next round in . # Ten past . # Ten past . # Yeah . # Ten fucking past . # Ten pa # Ten past . # I thought it was about half three or something . # That's what . # It's fucking shot by and I ain't done any work . # It doesn't normally shoot by though . #