# Oh well aunty Julie's had a little boy then Sam ? # Yeah exactly eight pound . # No ! # And they said it was gonna be a difficult birth and that cos # baby isn't she ? # didn't she ? # Well the chap came yesterday # when # she was on her way into town see # And she came out a you know seeing who was going in # and Phil went round there yesterday afternoon . # And she said that she'd had the baby she was great . # She did ! # We'll just drop the kids over Beryl's and er # Got to just pop into town . # Yeah , I couldn't get one down Co-op yesterday , they didn't have any . # Well they did # You could either have a ten or a twelve pound # one # or you could have a # Or you could have a # piddling little chicken # for about four pound # cos only had not ha , I thought no way ! # I thought well in town you can get about they have er a big turkey . # I'll go and get one this afternoon . # And I've gotta get erm # It's your granddad's birthday innit , on Tuesday ? # I'll get him a card . # Well I'm only # I'm only giving cards out because as you know nan doesn't bother with birthdays # And I suppose I better get er Carl's birthday card while I'm at it . # I ought to go to the party . # And where else ? # That's right . # hotel . # Yeah she used # to nice . # Have you gotta get a card for Julie as well ? # Oh and it's blue as well ! # Oh right ! # How can you ? # Pete ? # Go on then you'll be able to see mummy from work . # He come home Thursday . # Here are Phil . # That's what ? # Yeah I think so . # What ? # Philip ! # Philip ! # You and the bloody telly , he sat there with the ashtray in his hand and all bloody ash is falling out the bottom ! # Here are . # That man coming to do # my windows again Thursday . # Mm . # You don't like him do you ? # Come and clean my windows and I owed him from the last time . # Play with the other one Sam ? # Have to get out one of them dolls Phil . # Gonna have to get one of them dolls , she loves them . # Play with the other one ! # Look ! # Play with that one ! # What about the baby look ! ! # Ooh ! # That's a weight of # Don't you think so ? # We left off eight pound and # at three and a half months ! # Right . # Alright . # There you go ! # Oop ! # Ah shit on my foot ! # Do you see Brookside last night ? # Why don't you watch it ? # It was good ! # Oh that's nice ! # You got cake as well then ? # What's wrong with her ? # What # next Saturday ? # Probably five pound fifty ! # Mm . # With Vicki just having her birthday she's got all she needs now isn't it ? # You leave him alone ! # Leave him alone ! # ? # You fellers I'll get up ! # Do it yourself ! # Go away ! # Go away you ! # Go away ! # Wee wee . # No , you don't ! # You got a nappy on ! # Where's daddy ? # Where's daddy ? # Get up ! # Come on Phil ! # Listen to me ! # Shut up ! # Hurry up Phil ! # My twenty five percent here cor that'll be an expensive month ! # Twenty four ! # Yeah ! # That's right . # We can still play # play with bank and then erm # Whoever gets the highest dot can go # clockwise from there . # Oh he's got one . # They're gonna wonder what the hell they're listening to , ha ! # Don't be swine ! # Ten thousand pound . # It's only half there . # There ! # I'll be the little house then . # Oh thanks # Phil ! # Is there a lighter over there ? # No ! # Yeah when you start the actual game you do . # No you don't ! # Not on this one . # Now you can have a go . # This is who # starts # Ah , only cos you got a low score ! # Doesn't matter which wa , that is clockwise ! # Six . # And then whoever gets the highest starts on there and goes clockwise . # So it's Gary # going this way innit ? # I don't know which way you go ! # Which way do you go ? # Yeah . # Cos you don't start right next to those don't go straight across the racecourse . # I missed that ! # Oh hold on ! # What are we gonna # do ? # Two # you gotta earn two things and # five thousand pound and either a the diploma or a membership . # Yeah . # And then # five # So it's five thousand # and two for that one , and ten thousand and two for that one . # What are we setting the end for ? # Fifty thousand ? # Unless you set a time or something . # Cos then go # Every time you go round , so that's five times round . # Cos you gotta set a target now before # we start . # Yeah , you need five thousand to get up into there . # And then you need ten thousand to get from there to there . # No ! # Cos you only have to go round twice cos you collect ten thousand when you pass there ! # And # Yeah , that's easier # cos it's only a small board innit ? # Alright , fifty . # Ooh ! # About quarter past nine at ! # Gotta go round once before you can buy . # Same as thingy . # Is that the same on all different games ? # But even when you go up you gotta go round once before you buy as well haven't you ? # Mm . # One , two , three , four , five , six , seven , eight , nine , ten , eleven . # Twelve . # Oh shit ! # Oh I wanted that football pools ! # Got eighteen and a half today on the pools ! # Six , seven , eight ! # You have a go on that . # You can make that and put down as much as you want and then you roll the dice . # Two . # Yep ! # Throw three . # Where does that hundred go then ? # Oh right ! # I think you put it in the middle and then so like # if you land on a certain square you can keep it ! # That's what you do in Monopoly ! # If you put all the fines and that in the middle if you land on free parking you can keep it . # Collect wages , two hundred pound . # Ooh ha ! # Well away from the wedding ! # Mm . # Well you haven't got to ! # If you land on it you gotta go up ! # Phil used to wait till I landed on the wedding # That's what you'd like innit Phil ? # Pat took home erm # four hundred and twenty five quid she won ! # last week . # No . # One , two , three , four , five , one , two , three , four , five . # No it's not to go together is it ? # Or is it ? # Don't know . # And that was , one , two , three , four , five , six , seven , eight , nine , ten , eleven . # ! # I ain't drank it yet ! # You inherit two hundred pound and you don't get your next go ! # Have you found out any ? # Phil ? # Found out how granddad is today ? # No ! # You gotta go # pass it . # Mm . # Phillip can't cos he's gotta miss a go ! # You can start buying now . # Er a hundred pound . # Yeah . # Or even if I haven't , Oh I've got them haven't I ? # Cos you pay me that ! # Ha ! # Ha ! # Thank you ! # Gotta have two of the cards # and the money , and then a diploma or a membership card to go up . # Yep ! # No . # Just # Dunno ! # Fifty thousand we set it up to . # They win don't they ? # Remember I used to go # up to there , I always used to land on a bloody divorce ! # Well we haven't got the cards for that but you can still buy it and I'll give you a credit card or something to use instead . # So if you just use it like that then at least it shows you've got a card . # And you get twenty back don't you , when you sell them back to the bank or whoever ? # Four . # One , two , three , four . # Ooh I'll buy one of them ! # Fifty pounds worth of tuition . # Cos I need one of them , that's , what's that , a membership or a no , it's a diploma innit ? # Right , I'll have one of . # I need one of them . # Yeah ! # Put # Both dice ? # Bloody hell ! # Oh bloody hell ! # There you go ! # That's that one . # The person on your left throws it for you . # Gary . # So if you wanna put like a hundred or something on # then Gary throws it # and he can have up to three goes . # Like , if he gets two you lose all of it but if he rolls a twelve you get your hundred pound back plus ten times that amount . # You don't choose a number . # No . # You just throw it . # Gotta work it out then . # No , you can have up to three goes . # Four . # Lose a third of your investment . # Seventy five quid . # I'd go on it . # But change that # Oh shit ! # Six . # Lose a quarter of it . # You'll probably a twelve ! # Plus equal amounts . # So you keep that # and you get hundred pound of that . # Jammy bastard ! # Mm . # Gonna have to start changing up the hundreds cos we've run out in the bank . # Now , there's five of # mine . # One , two # three , four , five . # Change that # Does anyone else wanna change up any hundreds cos we're erm getting a bit short ! # Oh yeah ! # Big head ! # Four . # That's alright . # And I've changed that five # of mine . # Well you don't wanna change them all do you ? # This gives us some more back in the bank . # Make sure it's only one I'm giving him ! # How many does that leave you with then ? # Yeah but you wanna keep some in case you land on the # stock exchange . # I just gave you it ! # Mm ! # Hold on ! # Gary's given five , I gave five , and there was one left in there so that's one , two # three ooh , three # four , five . # That's Gary's five , that's # Three , four , five . # That's my five . # One , two , three , four # no , that's mine ! # That's right . # Yeah . # Thank you ! # Cor ! # Trying to con were you ? # Oh yeah ! # Ooh ! # Will you now ! # Shall I take both of one of them ? # Do you want that or eleven ? # Ooh ! # ! # Ooh ! # Five to one , so that's only five hundred quid innit ? # Ooh ooh ! # What's that ? # Membership , fifty pound . # Well you had to miss a go # Yeah , but you're a go and we've been to . # No I haven't even finished # my sandwiches yet ! # Pickles there ! # Pickled onions if you want them . # You can ! # There's more than one ! # They're gonna think we're a right bunch of swearing pigs on there ! # Right ! # Who's go is it ? # Gary's go . # It's your go Ga ! # Me . # Green furniture . # Ooh a microwave oven ! # No . # No , it's two of anything . # I know ! # No , you got a microwave ! # Yeah . # Why you take it off my pile did you ? # I know I've only got two there anyway ! # I think ? # Yeah . # Ooh eleven again ! # Shit ! # Why couldn't I have had that last time ! # One , two , three , four , five , six , seven , eight , nine , ten , eleven , ah ! # Dum , doo doo doo ! # Where do I go to ? # Yeah , that's what I land on nearly every time ! # Aha . # Oh shit ! # That means I gotta sell this back ! # How much do I want erm # You just give them back don't you . # Anyone wanna bid for it ? # Diploma . # How much you give me for it ? # You could buy it for fifty ! # So Shel can sell it for a lot more than that . # I don't thi , I didn't buy any property either did I ? # I didn't ! # I took one ! # You now owe me five thousand pound and you can go up into the middle . # No , you'll need one or the other . # No , one of the two # things . # Well it's only cash ! # Oh right ! # Yep ! # Ooh I didn't collect mine when I went past either did I ? # Yeah you can but if you land on # Yeah . # That's half of the # Exactly ! # But # if you land on that # and you've got five thousand # pound credit # it's still the same . # That's right . # Mm . # No . # There are see ! # Phil's just landed on it , it's only cost him fifty quid ! # on Saturday . # There's Friday's . # fifty pound now , oh right ! # Oh ! # Oh my God ! # I ! # Er , one , two # three , four , five , six , ooh ooh ! # Ooh shit ! # Six . # A thousand pound . # So if I go round in # five times then get divorced # and I can go straight # back up when I've bought the two of them then . # Got ten . # They're certainly not as old as ours are they ? # We've had ours about two years ! # Er # Oh !haven't I ? # Four hundred and twelve thousand two hundred ! # No ! # Ooh I keep sa # I got it ! # Welfare payments . # Fifty times ro , oh , roll of one dice ! # How ma # Stop tapping dear ! # Look at all these scum down in that lower class ! # Ha ! # Oh hold on , I've got to collect this thousand pounds and I'll # have a go on the race track . # Mm ! # What ! # What ! # You lot # Snob ! # Ya ! # That's forty # Erm I'll go from ten actually ! # Oh fuck ! # I should of gone up there ! # And I'll go up . # Shit ! # Oh excuse me , no I'm middle ! # Seven . # One , two , three , four , five , six # seven . # Oh there you are again ! # Football winnings , twenty times roll of both dice . # Don't matter . # Problem is # Shall I in # in five minutes ? # Tape's still rolling ! # Ha ! # Just cos your jealous cos you don't know how to ! # So you'll probably them sent # to you with an obscene note ! # Oh wow ! # Make it two hundred pound . # Three . # One , two , three . # Oh fucking hell ! # I got another hundred ! # Ooh ! # Ooh ! # Ooh ! # So Ga # I've only gotta go round here five times now and buy # Ha . # Ah ya ! # I'm a proper snob now ! # Mm ! # What ! # What ! # Oh ! # Gary ! # Your go my love ! # . # One , two , three , four , five , six , seven , eight , nine , ten . # ten thousand pounds ! # Oh , better make space for my money , what ! # # Two , three , four , five . # One , two , three , four # five . # Three , one , two , three , good night at bingo collect a hundred pound . # Shame I don't go ! # Yeah , I know . # Ooh but the thing is . # This is nice ! # It's difficult to say # he's just done here . # No . # Four # five hundred , thirty four . # Ten . # Oh ! # Yeah , but he's . # Give some back it's # Oh ! # And times ! # Yeah might just a little banker ! # Well I can't afford it ! # I wish I could ! # Five , six , eight . # Okay . # there are # I'm gonna wait till I've got enough money . # Run out of tens . # Yeah , that's five . # No . # It's only on the lottery where you can go on there . # Ooh ! # They can be so kind ! # Nine # Plus that van . # No , ten times # You jammy bastard ! # You'll soon have the five thousand Phil ! # You've can't # bloody talk ! # Yeah , well I keep winning # the er football pools and the bingo ! # Unemployment insurance payments ten times roll of one dice . # So , that'll be forty two . # And you've gotta beat # So that's a thousand pound you messed up down there ! # Person for . # Ooh ! # Eleven . # Plus five times . # Do you get that back plus a thousand . # Ooh ! # Thanks very much Phil ! # Can't I don't think , I ain't got five thousand . # Oh well # liquid , you have owe her thirty five pound . # No I've only got three and half thousand at the moment . # Well a bit more # than that , I might have got nearly four thousand haven't quite got enough # yet . # I'll be getting divorced ! # Who's go ? # Shit ! # If I get # that's a thousand times a roll times a roll one ooh ooh ooh ! # One , two , three , four . # Bloody hell ! # Oh that's all it was ! # You don't get anything back for them do # you ? # In the bank . # A twenty , ha ! # Yeah ! # Ha . # Yeah ! # landed on that . # Oh ! # One , two # three , four , five # Oh I think I'll buy one now . # , oh that's mine I # can't buy my own ! # And it's erm # That tape's got One Foot in the Grave on it ? # That's on Sunday night innit ? # Yeah # bloody brilliant ! # Did you see last week ? # ! # That's your membership . # It only wants a measly thousand pounds , alright ? # You were gonna buy that weren't you ? # Two , three , four , five , six , one , two , three , four , five ! # Hold on ! # Where was I ? # One , two , three , four , five , six , one , two , three , four , five , oh for . # Oh I gotta collect ten # thousand . # Ooh ! # Ooh ! # Just down one . # One , two , three , four . # How you doing down there ? # What is it ? # So haven't you two got five thousand pounds yet ? # Three . # One , two , three . # Ooh , well I'll buy one of those ! # Ooh ! # One can only get three thousand pounds . # Mm mm ! # Well for the time being # One , two , two hundred and fifty # One , two , three , four , five # Ooh ! # Is that it ? # Hey ! # Put it them in the top ! # Aha ! # What do you think I'm # paying for # I was gonna say , cor ! # No , it should be artificial shouldn't it ? # Why , who calls them coronations ? # Yeah . # Yeah . # Coronation Street ! # You can go up now can't you ? # No , you can sit up there now . # Oh , making up new rules as he goes along here ! # Flipping talking , when they listen to that they'll burst their bloody ear drums ! # It's a good job it's not a video though innit ? # I know , you going to have a go on that Phil ? # Or is it going to be a measly five hundred , what ? # Yeah . # Five thousand pound . # That's what # Oh yeah ! # Oh he's got a ten thousand anyway ain't he ? # After they've # gone out ! # three thousand , there you go darling ! # Oh yes ! ! # A turbo # Right ! # You going up now ? # Oh no you've passed that one now haven't you ? # Then when you get back # you pay , you gotta pass it . # You'll be ready to join Gary will you ? # What ! # What ! # What ! # I thought you be rich in a minute ! # See , right if he still wasn't speaking to me properly I wouldn't have brought that off him ! # I # I would have waited and bought one off Gary and then he wouldn't have been able to go up would he ? # I'll go again # last night . # One , two , three , four , five , one , two . # Right , I've already got one of those haven't I ? # It's er it's an artificial # an artificial mink coat for . # Oh bloody hell ! # Want to ask me what they want Ju ? # Only if you're up here ! # So you only want eight hundred . # One , two , three # then someone's hogging all these one hundred pounds ! # There are . # There's five from Phil and five from me . # Yep ! # Dunno . # Why ? # I've had my go . # She's on taxes . # What is it ? # Roll the one dice ? # Ha ! # Ooh ! # One go ? # I got double six ! # Oh well wow ! # Bless you ! # Six . # One , two # three # four # I need that ! # Fifty seven , seven , twenty eight # Yeah ! # innit ? # You prat ! # Yeah ! # Oh ! # But we don't need them ! # Whoever you bought them # off of . # No , cos it's two hundred in that one and # Aye , hold on ! # I don't need a thing ! # I don't need a membership for that ! # Oh wow ! # Ha ! # Right , so I owe you twenty pound I haven't got any tens , you'll have to change that . # No , that's mine ! # And the bank owes you twenty pound , forty pound . # You owe me thirty pounds . # Thank you . # Oh I like this game ! # I've only got to go round another three times ! # Not bad on that ! # Thank you . # Five hundred # pound . # Ooh ! # Not bad for ! # One , two , three , four , five , six , seven and oh wow ! # Er # No ! # Ooh ! # Eight . # One half . # Oh my God ! # Do you trust me ? # Eight ! # Ah , that's back , take that and then five # hundred . # Oh where shall I put my five hundred ? # Got a lot of , lot of room have I ? # Ooh , get lost ! # Ooh look at that ! # One's mine . # That's twenty pound innit ? # Aye , I gave him twenty pound for that # fucking membership ! # , that's good ! # I paid you twenty quid for your bloody membership ! # Kept back for that ! # What ? # No ,fifteen ! # I can't buy anything cos I gotta round once . # Yeah what did you do that for ? # Yeah . # Oh thank God for that ! # Seven . # One , two , three , four , five six # I can't buy anything cos I'm on my first time round . # Mm ! # A recording contract's not a company . # Sells . # Oh oh oh ! # They want a low one look at them ! # How much is he putting on it ? # Three thousand ? # Get a two . # Ooh ! # Eight thousand ! # He trusts you ! # May as well give it straight to the bank . # Oh what have # you done ! # Eight thousand . # Five eight , forty thousand ! # Have you got that much ? # Are you sure that's right ? # Oh hang on ! # Sorry ! # That's more than I've got ! # Are you sure ? # You put in eight thousand . # Yeah , I was gonna say hundreds ! # No we've put in eight thousand . # So five eights # are forty . # Yeah , cos if you're going for fifty # if you're going # He's got them ! # Yeah but you have to put onto them # Whatever ! # Fifty or ten , whatever ! # Hundred and fifty , or hundred and ten , yeah . # Yes . # Yeah , you just got a fucking forty thousand you bastard ! # I still can't buy cos it's only my first time bloody round ! # Yeah ! # Yeah . # What do you need a loan for ? # You've got more money than what I have ! # I think I'll try that next time I'll save it for myself ! # Bloody hell ! # Mm . # Me and Phil then ? # Yeah , but you don't get anything for his Yacht Club . # So he paid two hundred quid for it . # Damn good ! # Give him hundred # Oh my , you total sod ! # Can't you make it a rounded fi , hundred and fifty ! # So have I ! # Hundred and fifty . # What , the two hundred ? # Two fifty . # I'm not going any # higher ! # Yeah , you bloody wait ! # I'll go and land on it now and I'll be bloody pig sick ! # Thirty , forty # fifty # I ain't got any fifty pound notes so ! # No I won't ! # And I used your five hundred . # But he can only get a hundred pound back if he's get it from the bank . # Hundred . # That's right ! # Cos you're more likely to land on # Yes ! # Yeah , cos it's not innit ? # Bloody hell ! # One , two , three , four # eight , nine , ten , eleven , twelve . # Yes ! # Haven't got a glass . # Oh Phillip don't be such a swine ! # So you can buy a twenty four carat gold necklace darling ! # What ! # What ! # Mhm . # Bit below the belt that ! # No you haven't . # I ain't even got round ! # Not very well ! # Two . # Shit ! # One , two , three # four , five , six , one , two , three # four , five . # I'm divorced ! # Are you divorced ! # Yeah . # Shit ! # A thousand poun , times roll of both dice ! # Eight thousand . # Well he's only getting # two thousand back ! # No , Gary can buy them off me if you want . # But I can get five hundred from the bank . # Well shall I give him # two thousand . # For each one . # Yeah , it's your big idea ! # Each ? # Well I need the bloody money now ! # Thank you ! # I've paid my bloody you cheeky # sod ! # I've just done that ! # You can guarantee I'll divorced straight away again now ! # To five hundred . # He'll probably win now he's got those cards # as well ! # Ten thousand . # Yeah and I'll throw a ten ! # And then you'd need a credit card wouldn't you Gary ? # Yeah , you gotta pay that . # Fifty . # Hundred and fifty . # Oh well that's not much is it ! # Ten times . # Ten # One , two , three , four , five , six , seven , eight , nine , ten . # I'll have one of them . # Oh shit ! # Don't ! # He'll be up in , he'll fucking win it now ! # Well you've just bought one ! # So all I need now is ten thousand pound ! # How many did # grab it in a pile and chuck it on there ! # Let's hope there's there ! # Yeah , twenty thousand ! # Oh not that ! # Yep ! # You didn't get a thousand then # plus did you ? # I've got eight thousand . # I can build # Seven . # Ten . # So he put in three thousand . # Six thousand . # Ooh gosh ! # I collect a thousand pounds ! # Wow ! # Not really ! # I only need my money now before I go # up . # Both . # Hundred times . # Four hundred quid ! # Four thousand quid ! # Aargh ! # He'll probably get double one now ! # Seven . # Ooh yeah ! # I need a couple # of them ! # Ooh ! # Mm ! # Mm ! # Mm ! # Mm ! # Mm ! # Mm ! # Mm ! # Mm ! # Mm ! # Mm ! # Mm ! # Mm mm ! # Mm mm mm # mm mm mm mm mm mm # mm mm mm mm mm . # Ah no , ah ah ! # Yeah , so how much do we # Yeah . # Oh yeah ! # Three thousand . # Yeah . # Two hundred times . # Oh ah ! # Ooh I need a couple of them tickets Ju ! # Oh I'll bid for it ! # Yeah alright ! # Just change . # Oh hundred and fifty ! # Well you and your fucking money bags , keep it ! # I'll give you six . # Listen to him ! # One thousand , one hundred . # Cash ! # That's not you # anyway ! # That # That's Gary's . # No you get stuffed ! # I ain't paying that much # for it ! # I'll a go . # And I don't , I'll get twenty er # That's right . # So what can you get ? # That's that . # I'll gi you a hundred and fifty . # Ha ! # I mean , only cost you five hundred anyway ! # Go on ! # Do you want the money or can I pay you later ? # Oh that's another one we can bid on . # Oh right ! # The card . # There's a black art gallery there . # No it doesn't matter ! # You can only get a hundred pounds for it . # I'll let you two bid for it then ! # No he hasn't got one . # He's only got membership . # Well you need # You need a membership and another # one of them or something . # Yeah . # I ain't got hundred ! # You bugger off ! # I just gave her that ! # Look , this one ! # ! # Right , you want the race track how much you putting on ? # Two thousand . # Have a go ! # And I've just about nearly round . # Oh I haven't got any car , I've only got one card . # One , two , three , four , five , six I can start buying now ! # You choose how much you wanna put in . # And the one who throws the highest wins it . # Yeah . # Whatever you go I do # Five ! # Oh ! # Yeah . # No , Phil's go . # Cos I just landed on the bottom . # Yeah . # He has done ! # I said that didn't I ? # Well that's not right cos I've got that's wrong . # I can buy now . # What's that for ? # Oh ! # So me and Phil # are back round again ! # No , you're there ! # No . # Oh if I can get you this time ! # No way ! # Plus one thousand . # So you get ten back . # You're gaining back now . # That's if I get a fucking eleven I'm gonna kick them up there ! # Yes ! # Ha ha ! # Move for half of it . # No , should of done it to me cos I threw ! # I know ! # Right , where am I ? # Oh right ! # One , two # three , four , five , six . # Seven ! # More than what you # started with ! # Look at his all sprawled out over there ! # Now it's Phil's go . # We gotta put it in whatever he puts in . # I bet ! # Two , three , four , five I've only got five thousand ! # He's a bloody swine he is ! # You ! # You bastard ! # Well not including my five hundred , so I've only got er six thousand # seven thousand seven tho , seven now I can't even stretch to ! # Yeah , you ! # I knew he was gonna do that ! # Aha . # Yeah . # But look ! # No but you love it ! # No you gotta find # Yes I'll take that ! # Plus five times . # One , two , three , four , five ! # Ooh ! # What ! # What ! # Three ! # One , two three . # I can't buy anything yet ! # Well that's mine anyway look ! # He's getting a bit skint now ain't he ? # Is it me to go ? # So collect two hu two hundred when # You get your two hundred . # I'm only in the middle though . # Can't go up yet . # No . # Regain investment . # You lose a a thousand don't you ? # Oh ! # Ooh ! # Cor ! ! # Mm ! # Yes . # Nearly a thousand already . # On number eight . # No , seven . # One , two # three , four , five , six , seven . # Erm , ten thousand from there to the top . # Which is one of these four . # What ? # Well stick yourself in the highest class . # Oh no , he's gotta pass middle . # He's gotta get passed # Yeah . # Yeah but you gotta pass mine . # Aye ! # No , you were on that . # On there . # How can I rig these dice ? # No ! # Ooh ! # Gonna carry on ? # Or # Oh no ! # You do that one then don't you ? # I've got to bloody ! # Five . # Nine . # Eight . # Oh ! # I am . # Oh ! # Well Shel do you wanna buy them ? # Oh shit ! # One for my own anyway cos I've gotta give you back hundred pound for that one # Hundred ! # It's my own . # Mhm . # Yours , I'll have , ooh you a Yacht Club and a black burger . # A nig-nog ! # Um # You don't get nothing for that . # I'll give you fifty quid for that one . # If I give you two hundred for the both of them together . # Can't I # Can't I buy it off you ? # So he gets bloody # I was kind to you last time ! # Right ! # One , two , three , four , five , six . # Welfare payments times the # roll of one dice . # Yeah ! # Near enough . # Die quietly ! # Ta . # One what ? # Seven . # Get your . # Ten . # Plus two times . # Plus my four thousand . # Give us one of them back then . # # A hundred times ! ! # Nine thousand ! # Just got rid of all your cards ! # Oh I'll buy one of them ! # Oh I'll get my thousands . # I've been round a couple times thank you been up there ages ! # Erm # six hundred . # Pay six hundred for it . # And I'll # All I need now is another card . # Ooh microwave oven ! # Why not ? # I helped you two by giving you two thousand of mine . # I did ! # Lovely ! # I love it ! # And you gotta go all the way round the board ! # Why ? # How near am I now ? # Three , four , five , six , seven eight . # . # Ooh ! # We , can we do it ! # Oh wow ! # Mhm . # You should of gone eight ! # Seven . # Oh yeah , eight ! # And you were saying about don't do you any favours , you didn't do me any when you stuck bloody five hundred on the fucking lottery ! # Five thousand ! # Five thousand Phil , and that's all I had left ! # seven , eight , nine , ten . # Oh ! # One , two , three , four , five , six , seven # Oh God we're all back down on the bloody board now ! # And you said you could play most # games with him on nights . # No . # You gotta sell these ones now . # Yeah I've gotta get rid of them cos then we're # bidding the bottom of that . # You have , yeah actually . # Four ! # And racetrack . # I'll give you fifty ! # I'll give you # hundred and fifty . # Keep it ! # No , two hundred and fifty ! # We've all gotta go round once yet anyway ! # Just ten pounds . # I've still got # eighty thousand there . # Eight it is ! # He goes twel # back ? # Three fifty down there . # Gary ! # Right , my go is it ? # Shame I won on that lottery Gary ! # I could put a couple of these in ! # ! # Fifty pounds innit ? # Diploma is that one is it ? # Oh you gotta back past yet . # Yeah . # Do you want er diploma ? # Oh no ! # Somebody's got a lot of hundreds # Somebody's gotta change up some hundreds . # I've only got two ! # going . # One , two , three , four , five , six , seven # eight , nine , ten . # I'm on the Stock Exchange . # A thousand ! # I'm not that stupid ! # One , two # three , four , five , six , seven , eight , nine , ten . # Right , I've gotta collect two # hundred for going round # there , I'll put that straight in on the Sto no I won't ! # I'll put It's me I ain't got enough ! # I was going ten thousand on the Stock Exchange . # Mm mm ! # Eight . # Plus one half . # So I get a pink one and that back . # That's not as bad . # It's losing the lot ! # What d'you mean what a shame ? # Mm mm . # That's # finger ! # Seven hundred pound . # Well what d'you mean you can't buy it ! # No , I was only one away from the wedding . # There's a Moorland View # in Buckland # Yep ! # You in't got any credit ! # That must sound disgusting ! # Turn the light off . # Bang ! # Your go Ga ! # It's ! # You wanna do a porno one for them ! # Ah yes , I'm coming ! # I'm coming ! # I'm coming ! # Ah ! # You got it baby ! # One , two , three , four , five , six , seven , eight . # Ooh I've gone all hot and sweaty ! # Gone all hot and sweaty ! # Hundred and twenty . # Ooh ! # I'll have another go on the Stock Exchange . # Julie ! # Ooh ! # Ooh ! # Ooh ! # I'll keep that . # That and two times . # Ooh bugger me ! # Bugger me ! # My money's gone right up ! # No I think I got ten thousand there ain't I ? # Have you ? # I mean , that's a hundred thousand ! # Oh are you ? # Me ! # Me ! # Three thousand . # Five hundred . # Ooh it's the necklace again ! # We just got rid # of one them ! # Till the next time though ! # Four . # One , two , three , four . # . I'm gonna have to change up # some of these hundreds . # One , two , three , four , five # Ah yeah , but we used to have three thousand have to go up with . # No , five thousand ! # Yeah , you wanted twenty thousand didn't you ? # total except ten . # So the ten pounds you get back innit ? # Oh right ! # I need some stuff . # Right ! # Oh well Gary can't have the brown one cos that's his anyway . # So he could , you could only get twenty Phil , so I'll give you thirty . # Alright I'll give you a hundred ! # There you go ! # That's how much you would have fucking paid me anyway ! # Five thousand ! # I paid a # thousand just for the diploma ! # If you bought both of them , yeah . # I'm giving a thousand # just for that ! # What ? # So how much d'you get back ? # Twenty innit ? # Ah ! # I'll remember that ! # Yeah , you said Phil said that you two have got all the money ! # No , you make them the same as us ! # Fifty pounds ! # The ten thousands we haven't even seen yet ! # No you don't . # I go five thousand . # And you gotta go in like Julie ! # No . # No you don't ! # So are you going for it or not ? # Five , six , seven # eight . # No they haven't ! # You're chickening out are ? # All of us . # Six . # Oh I'm winning so far ! # Make it a nine . # Shit ! # Eight two ! # Eleven . # One , two , # three , four , five , six , seven , eight , nine , ten , eleven . # Yeah . # I gotta go all the way round yet . # Oh God ! # Oh toast dipped in tea , yeah ! # The only trouble is you get all # butter floating on the top of you cup of tea ! # You what ? # Vagina ! # Hundred pound . # But you still gotta pay up # One . # One , two , three # Twenty times roll of both dice . # Oh yeah ! # One sixty . # Ain't it gone quiet ! # Oh ! # No , you're just coming up to your first round . # Well you must have been round because you've # one . # How have you been round . # Yeah you just bought off me though ! # So I gotta give you the hundred back , you gotta give me five back . # Ha ha ha ! # I've been round already haven't I ? # You got a hundred on both of those ? # He's gotta go round yet ! # One , two , three , four , five , six , seven , eight . # Ooh ! # Here we go ! # Here we go ! # Here we go ! # Just you dare ! # No ! # That's two fours . # Regain investment . # two , three , four , five , six . # I can't buy anything yet that's why I've gone past . # Oh God ! # I've gotta go all the way round to get a diploma and all the way round there ! # Eight . # You should of gone for eight Phil ! # Nine . # And somebody's on # Twelve . # What are you two doing ? # What are you stuffing in your , in your ? # What ? # Take your slipper off ! # Yeah , you're don't have to talk to make the money ! # I know how many things I've # fucking got ! # Excuse me ! # No che , I'm gonna stay in here with him while so # he don't fucking cheat ! # Go to the toilet one at a time ! # I'm next in the toilet ! # Who ? # Yeah . # Not in the loo ! # No , she's # gone to see Vicki ! # Yeah , I know you are ! # You can go up to the ! # give diplomas don't worry ! # Just under # the table for a minute ! # How many for a divorce ? # bottle ! # Do you want the kitchen light on or not ? # So how much were they at the Swan's then ? # I had to a man with the stick earlier . # Grandma's fu , grandmother's funeral ! # One , two , three , four # Yeah . # Well I did ! # Ah , I can buy now ! # Two , three , four , five , six . # Ooh ! # Oh ! # Yes ! # Oh my coffee's , coffee's gone cold now ! # Ha hoo hoo ! # Five thousand ! # Ooh ! # Eight . # Plus one half . # Hundred times roll of both dice ! # Four . # Hundred . # Yeah . # No , you're only there ! # No , it's when you pass there ! # I it says on the bottom of this Phil ! # What ? # Yeah but you're not in the middle ! # Yeah but I'm on my way up there in a minute hopefully ! # Yeah I know ! # No . # Well it was a hundred what one is it ? # Can I ? # Oh ! # Time to start buying ! # One , two , three , four , five , six . # on there . # Got a greeny , with a # six browny ! # Why ? # Well you bought that one , they were selling them off . # Mm . # Been elevens every time ! # Ooh ! ! # Mm ! # Nine . # Plus equal amount . # Oh shit ! # I've gone past it again ! # Five , six oh five hundred . # Started about quarter # to nine didn't we ? # Been going an hour . # D'you want some more wine ? # No . # D'you want one of them ? # It's fucking hilarious ! # Hundred pound ! # You haven't got , you haven't got a diploma yet . # Oh yes you have ! # Shit ! # One , two , three , four , five , six , seven , eight ! # Yes ! # I'm going up next time ! # How much is that ? # Oh , fifty pounds ! # Oh ! # Oh it's a # No I don't watch # those things ! # I just like Pingu . # D'you used to watch Pingu ? # A little penguin ! # Four hundred . # Bumps on at the moment innit ? # Doo doo ! # Oh how does the music go on Bump ? # Bump , bump , bump , bump . # No ! # You ain't got nothing to sell have you Phil ? # Oh yeah ! # Ooh nine ! # Plus equal # Oh bollocks ! # You've got them all ! # Ooh ! # God ! # One , two , three , four , five , six , seven , eight . # Ooh racetrack ! # I'll change that for a pink one . # And I'll # One ! # Two ! # Three ! # Four ! # Five ! # Oh right ! # Now I'll go for number eleven . # Ooh ooh ! # Ah ! # Oh balls ! # Cla one of these bugger's wrong innit ? # Oh I did # Did you get your two hundred ? # Oh yeah ! # Fucking hell ! # Dishing out the money now aren't I ? # Ooh , one of mine ? # How much are they ? # Ooh ! # A lovely video machine ! # Yeah , bloody disgusting innit ! # Oh , how the # hell did you get that one ? # Oh yeah ! # Mm mm mm . # Ten times # Yeah . # I will ! # One , two , three , four , five , six , seven . # A night at bingo , ooh er missus ! # Ooh ! # Promise that'll be this Tuesday . # Fifty times roll of one dice ! # Two hundred and fifty ! # Aye ? # Ten off you . # Six , seven . # Then that's going the bank . # Give us a chance ! # I got ten there . # Seven . # Cor ! # Bloody hell ! # That one's forty , twenty and twenty one ! # When you pass # Yeah . # So am I . # Yeah , that'll do me ! # One , two , three , four , five , six , seven , eight , nine , ten , it's that . # Right , so I gotta be , er ah , I can't come off can I ? # So you owe me ? # twenty quid and the bank owes me twenty quid . # Straight on ? # Aye ? # Ten . # Aye , we didn't see that ! # Oh yeah ? # Phil would soon tell me . # Any # Got anything to sell ? # Julie's gotta pay four hundred and Phil's gotta # pay for one . # Twenty . # Twenty . # Seven . # Shit ! # One , two # three , four , five , seven , oh ! # It's fucking got up there now sell off all my ! # Seven hundred . # You'll be back down there in a minute ! # You'll get a seven ! # Oh good ! # Five hundred , that's alright . # Thank you . # Oh how about bloody # Yeah . # But , yeah . # we should still be up ! # We should have won by now ! # Oh I can see that ! # Yeah , I'm just gonna keep going till I land on the wedding . # One , two , three , four , five , six , seven , eight , nine , ten . # Go back down . # ! # Yeah , he can go up here to fucking win that ! # Yeah , cos all he needs to buy is two of them and he's won ! # Yeah # another one # Yes # five to one , ooh we haven't got five of these left I don't think , one , two , three , four , five , ooh and there # ooh # I've got fifteen # Well if everybody wants to , I'll , I'll give everybody one of these and I'll go up to the top # It's a good try innit ? # One , two , three , four , five , six , seven , eight , nine # not the first time round # Yeah , but you've got to buy two of these first # and you've got to have two of these for # one , two , three , four , five , six , seven , eight # how many do I need ? # One , two , three , four , five , six , seven , eight , nine , ten , eleven ooh , ah shit # now I've got to go all the way round again , so no good buying nothing it's not worth it is it ? # Keep going till I land on it # Ooh last one # The only ones you want to buy is the green and the black cos they're in the bank # I know # Cos there ain't any of the ten thousands left # You're on # It's on there Phil # Six # five # ooh the bank nearly then # Back on the bottom # Yeah we are , me and Phil are # Oh no we're not # we're not in the middle # No # Oh shit yeah # Not five hundred , it's only a hundred innit ? # nice try Gary but it didn't work # Mine I've got two , I've gone from one side of the wagon to the other # One , two , three , four , five , six , seven , eight , nine , ten , eleven # Oh here we go # Me # Don't have to at the moment don't forget to call straight away # You would of been divorced if you'd been in the middle # Oh a couple of twelves get me right the way round , one , two , three , four , five , six , one , two # six , one , two , three , four , five , six , ooh , I'll have one of them oh that's not mine you could of # One , two , three # Yeah # Ooh what's this , this is a # ooh a Louis the X V commode # Oh there's none of , oh yeah I can do these now can't I ? # We've got quite a few to go # Ooh seven thousand # That's what we like Phil see cos that means you keep all the pink ones back # Ah # you sure you don't want me to keep it ? # That's what Pam says every time your mother wins at bingo # and every , it's always money goes to money she was born with a silver spoon , I was born with a wooden spoon # Seven # Will it be a little yellow one ? # What ? # Only # no , cos Phil's gonna erm # I'm not , it's the stock exchange # That'll do # Oops sorry # Oh he's on the stock exchange # Nine # What would the last number of been ? # Ten , ha plus two times # Shit Phil did I turn the fire off ? # Phil did I turn that the fire off at home ? # Yeah , but did I turn the bars off ? # The fucking dog'll sizzle up # This stuff I'm going round and I'm gonna get # Oh # Ooh # ooh # Ten , one , two , three , four , five , six , seven , eight , nine , ten ten , oh , one , two , three , four , five , six , seven , eight , nine , ten and I've already got one of them , thank you # Yeah , you seemed to gain your ten thousand don't you , then you lose it # Six , now I'll have one of them , that's yours Phil cos I need another one # Yeah , but he was a bastard to you wasn't he ? # Yeah , you didn't want one of mine did you ? # There you go # Go at it with a fast engine # You haven't been round yet # Ten # This bank's getting quite healthy here # Do you want one of them Phil ? # Oh hell # Oh shit number one spin time , five lose half of it # ooh alright # oh shit yes it did # What was it last time then ? # Ooh # ooh a shit , that's what I need , does , does that count as my go ? # One , two , three , four , five # Bloody hundred # I've got fifteen of them # I've got fifteen of them here and I'm still in the bloody bottom class # My go already ? # You've got a lot more than me , but # Where are you then , yeah , but , you're up in the high # Yeah , but , so with that all he only needs , he only needs to get # No # Seven # one , two , three , four five , six , seven oh shit # me and my big mouth # So that's the ten thousand gone # I need twenty one thousand # Now , hang on # hang on # Er # where are one , we're up in the high aren't we ? # yeah , but Gary needs them you , you need the green one and Gary needs both so # No because that means you've won # Five hundred # It's gone your fireworks in it ? # No # Yeah you've had yours # One , two , three , four , five , six , oh # Mm , mm # Oh shit you've won a thousand pounds # no thank you or nothing # You don't have to sell them back to him # But why ? # No # I could get up there before he buys # anything # Not likely , but I might , I need one , two , three , four # five , six , seven , eight # How many tens of boxes have you got ? # Sex , that sex maniac card game # Mother bought that for me for Chris for us for Christmas and you've never played it ? # So you're gonna pay his bill for those ? # For that one ? # Phillip you dickhead # I was on there # I did # Ah , I've been using me credit cards # You see he could lose the lot now Phil # You going to invest money ? # That's a house # Why couldn't I of kept the exam # One , two , three , four , five , six # Right and I'll erm # race track # and I'll have one of these cos I # that one I've got # Eleven , ha , oh shit that would mean twenty to one # oh fucking hell # Oop , I moved your pen # Shit # Six , one , two , three , four , five , six , I ain't gone bloody round yet # yeah # No we're not , cos he's only got to get another one yes , yes , bastard , one , two , three , four , five # Ah ? # Eighty three thousand # Yeah # I've got fourteen and # Oh you wanted that Phil # Fifty pounds # One , two , three , four , five ,si oh god # seven thousand # Ah , I've got to miss a go haven't I ? # Ten , one , two , three , four , five , six , seven , eight , nine , oh golly here we go again # Art show , fifty quid # There are # Oh god why can't there be a # you were on there # You gonna keep going ? # Oh bloody hell # That's ten times # You haven't got enough have you ? # Oh yeah # There are Phil that's yours # Yeah , I'm only ten away from that # Let's see if I can get the same then # You owe me three thousand first # For this , cos you # No , you , I , you just bought that a new cos you've just landed on it # Yeah I know you've won # No , okay # And me and Phil come # He's just won on the houses ain't he ? # Fifteen , sixteen # sixteen hundred thousand whatever it is # and a hundred and # Yeah # Right , put them into er # Oh do they ? # aargh # mine's disgusting as well # That would just about buy er , a three bedroomed house # That's what Phil's got innit Phil ? # You've got pocket money # What ? # I don't mind # We didn't need that put that back in there # Oh there's the spastic spaky band here # never mind # Yeah they've taken on extra staff # Yeah that he just , he asked Gary this morning if he was looking for a job # you've been told you've been training people ain't you ? # get offered the job first don't they ? # Mm # have you got a fork lift ? # Dunno , he didn't say he just said they need a fork lift driver # No I was thinking , will you be able to get time off in September ? # Is it September time you wanna go to Alton Towers ? # You can get your holiday whenever you like can't you ? # You'll only need Monday night off won't you ? # And the Monday especially if we're travelling back on the Monday # Yeah , so really driving back all that way you want Monday night off as well , you'll be knackered # Yes you do # No cos # it closes in October don't it ? # Cos we went there # the last week in September and it was the last week it was open , so you're better of going near the middle or I mean the beginning or # the middle of September # First week in September # Mm , mm # Well no how much does it work out to to stay at Kit's twelve pound a night innit ? # That's for both of you # Yeah # If we go the second week in September , then that way we can # Yeah , but what you had # So I've got to ask you the question ? # When Gary's stopped dying # Oh here we go # so this is all gonna be on there innit ? # This is where I'm # no , leave it on Gal # killing herself I haven't even read it out yet # you wait I've gotta ask Phil # No I only ask Julie # Who swung over the audience on a swing and pissed all over them ? # Was it A , Annie Sprinkle , B , Lulu , or C Cosi Fan Tutti ? # Pissed all over them . # A , B or C ? # No , that one goes it was that erm Cosi Fan Tutti # yeah , right Phil # no just keep putting them on top and when you get to the bottom # that one , just start again # No you don't # because then that'll be at the bottom won't it ? # Fucking you clever , like hell you are # I like this one what is the capital # Oh # Bloody hell what is a Wankel ? # I can't say that without laughing , right # Yeah I did # That Fan Tutti woman pissed all over the crowd # Yeah you keep them # Yeah you keep the card # you've got to spell out sex maniac # that's S E X M A N I C X , no C yeah # sex maniac # Oh , don't let other people see what letters you've got # Where did Marilyn Monroe say she kept her undies ? # In the ice box , in the President Kenn Kennedy's pocket , or in the post ? # In an ice box # I bet she had a cold cunt every morning # Frozen orgasms # Yeah # So you get that one # No no you must miss out on a go , oh it doesn't say , let him have another go then # It doesn't say , no wait for it # Who said sex appeal # I asked all these questions to # Well I should play this with Uncle John # What so he's # No , we asked him and he said it was with his work mates # Ominer # Intestine # Ain't the other one easier ? # Curious way to bonk animals # What is a # what is an agent # What is an agent provocateur ? # A sexual go between , a secret agent planted to seduce the enemy into misbehaving , a chemical in massage oil which makes you tingle # No , it was an agent planted to seduce the enemy into misbehaving , listen to this one ,does a lollipop lady do blow jobs in blue movies , help British children across the road , display downward trends at the stock market it's fucking easy innit ? # Oh shit # Oh yeah I suppose you shout oh god I'm coming , every time that bloody thing goes off # Oh god # come on it's your turn Gary # should of had the microphone out of the # No thanks I've just had to spit me coffee back in there # I had a mouthful of coffee and I thought that she farting # No that's still the first one , urgh # No I'm drinking that and that's secondhand that . # What was the first one licking pussy ? # Oh # Yeah # An A for an A # oh which one do I go for ? # The Three Hundred Club is for people who have A , done a South Pole streak from sauna , two thousand , oh two hundred degrees Fahrenheit to outdoors minus one hundred degrees Fahrenheit or a penis , a penis of over three hundred millimetres long or a club for people who have made love in a helicopter ? # No the first one # someone who's done a streak from a sauna to outdoors in the South Pole , mm , that's enough to turn your nibbles on # You depressed are you Phil ? # Play indoor games # Mm , you're playing an indoor game now # Squash # middle # yeah his eyebrows go right down don't they ? # cor where'd you buy it from then ? # B # I thought you didn't want to know # Who reputedly sold sex for luncheon vouchers ? # Quinton Crisp # Frank Harris or Cynthia Payne ? # I don't know , who is she ? # Scarlet # What letter was that ? # I haven't even lit them up yet # Really ? # Yeah , he went bonking with his missus every night on Fawlty Towers didn't he ? # Oh no they had single beds didn't they ? # Who's go is it ? # See somebody could of won by now # they're all brainy # Yeah , but I asked a load to Phil's dad and # he answered every single one of them right # Yeah , but I wonder how many of them can answer these questions # have a fucking go at that matey # Eggs # What # a fanny's clit # Is it in your way ? # you've won a card have you ? # Oh yeah Basil Fawlty one # Fish tank I can hear # Yeah # Oh you're giving me a card are you ? # Oh for fuck sake I've got to swap one of mine for one of yours now # Yeah , I haven't had a question # Ah , ooh shit # Ah shit , which one shall I go for ? # Who is a pop singer , who is the pop singer with pierced genitals ? # Mary Hopkins , Ozzie Osborne or Genesis ? # No Genesis # The other one was # What is a merkin , a pubic wig # Cornish slang for a prostitute or a jock strap worn by , initiates in a masonic ritual ? # It's a pubic wig # How do you know he's that bulge down there # Pubic wig , have you ever heard of a pubic weapon # Oh no , can't read that one , that's too easy # what's the opening # Shh , shh , shh , shh , hang on a minute can't # what's the opening immediately behind the clitoris ? # You'll like this one Gary ,is it A , the virgin # no wait for it ,B , urethra P hole or C , the nook where the clitoris hides , so men can never find it # No B , the urethra or P hole # key hole I was gonna say # Your go Phil # Come on # Ooze # Oh # Ooh # what is the donkey pump a special sex position used by men with large organs an extra spare steam pump or a device used for ar artificial insemination of donkeys ? # No it was B # Oh bloody what is the black bore , oh fucking hell , a foreskin gun # cor fucking hell , that makes me cringe that does # Oh god # I still can't get over that woman pissing on the audience # Fucking lucky bitch # Gotta be C innit ? # What was that ? # Come on # Oh god # Another A # Oh we're all getting there # taken us , mm , half an hour # She had a what ? # Cor , she must have a big fanny # especially if it's that horse out in Spain , cor his dick was dragging along the bloody floor weren't it and everyone was taking photos of it # I bet you were # Yeah twat # that's what , I was gonna say that # C # B # Yeah # Yeah # swap all your cards # Right , ah god # Swap one card with the player of your choice , so Gary # Then questions we've answered will come back up # They'll probably go out and buy the game , oh my god it's sick # Got the dog though ain't we ? # Means going back in the morning and taking him for a walk # You should ask them both questions on the card , that way we've got a better chance of getting them bloody card for yourself innit ? # Mm # Oh bloody hell why do they have to put such long words in them ? # Who threw off his clothes and danced naked in front of the Holy Art ? # David king of the Jew , David Bowie or David Frost ? # Yeah it was # I've got some crusts down here if you want to # He always gets a crease when he's chewing , his eyebrows when he's concentrating . # Do what ? # I tell your dad cos he called you , he said that you go at a snail's pace didn't he today ? # When they were watching the bloody running this afternoon # A # No , if he's not taking much of this in he'd wanna start talking # A # C , shit # He's alright , he likes this time of night don't he ? # No I think he had a dirty bum . # C # Oh # No there's ten # I know that much # Oh god # The seventh # What does the expression cod piece mean ? # Now are you ready for this ? # A , a fishy smell # B , a scrotum protector # or C , a play that is a hoax on another play # Yes # a scrotum protector # I've got three different ones # not a Gary and not a Phil # Chromosomes # Well it can't be B because Stephanie pisses standing up # What is a man ? # It's gotta be C # A # yeah but you can have a sex change and pee standing up and have testicles , but you can have the X and Y chromosomes can you ? # Cos they can't transplant all your hormones as well # Excuse me you twats from the university , send us the answer # C # really # Yeah # I can't fucking read them names # Which sex magazine is now run by the founders daughter ? # Playboy , Men Only or Penthouse # Wrong , A or B , well A and B , Playboy and Men Only # Oh god # A male deer's a stag # Oh I'll know that the next time it comes up in erm # Take A Break # that was in this week's and it was a stag I haven't got this week's , not out today # either that it's funny or he can't read the fucking question # Oh ,aphrodisiac , aphrodisiac # aphrodisiacal potions # or primitive contraceptive de , devices # Yeah # No aphrodisiacal , cos it's got the A , L in # Cor who gets turned on with fucking crocodile bollocks ? # Urgh , can you imagine drinking crocodile # Right # let them all out # Get out the cooking oil # Yeah # That's # that # C # Not another A is it ? # It's when you get to ten you've gotta stop , you've got to put one at the bottom # A sexual surrogate will A , have sex with you if he can't find anyone else , all the things nobody else is prepared to do with you sexually , or teach you how to draw you the partner you want ? # C # teach you how to draw the partner you want # Oh god here we go # Oh the # or whatever it is # Yeah I did , didn't I ? # Three hundred concubine # Seven hundred # I dunno # C # No , none of us got that one right to start with # no , we never got it right , what were the answers on that ? # oh # He committed suicide because he found his gas bill # how can he have VD if one bollock's in the Albert Hall ? # That's baffled Phil , that's too complicated for him # You should of heard the argument about the poll tax , that was funny # A monk # A # Oh , dirty bugger # What did Ancient Roman men hold when swearing an oath ? # Their testicles # their # or their wife's tits ? # Their , their testicles # Swear to tell the whole truth and nothing but # Oh yeah # Oh Julie # one , two , three four # Right you should have that bugger back , that leaves me with four # oh bloody hell , I suppose you'll give me another one , oh oh my I ,how many have I got ? # Two , four # They're all fucking yellow aren't they ? # I thought it would of been C cos they're yellow over there in't they ? # Oh no # B # Oh your turn to read one to Phillip # Ah this is to you , cos we've swapped directions again # Oh I , I read this one to you , oh fucking hell in what way is the whale's penis similar to the elephant ? # It rolls up , it , it's retractable inside the body or it drops off after an orgasm # Yeah , have an N # Ooh imagine it dropping off after having an orgasm # think of the # Retractable inside the body # oh theirs just drags along the floor # C # Yeah , well we need to get the cards to win , don't we ? # A # Oh god I've got another one of them # Phillip I've got a problem where's my # I know you've got a decent hand you fucking arsehole , I've got to ask a question now as well haven't I ? # No you're not # Who created Susie Cream Cheese ? # Frank Zapper , The Swiss or Pretty Polly Tights and Pantyhose # Mm , have another M # I gave you one of them last time didn't I ? # Well don't tell everybody cos then they'll change # Aargh # Wind in the Willows , it's pretty obviously it's not gonna be that one # that was you the night the doctor came round he , he nearly threw up # oh god it was , laid in bed , no joke , his fucking pants blew out that far # he went into the toilet , sits down , fucking pebbledashes the bloody place # You mean you # They'll probably send down er , a needle , have to stop the runs or something # B # Oh # Four # It's four # I actually got that right # bloody hell # gosh # The Philippines # Ooh fucking hell which animal has the most sperm in one ejaculation ? # A horse , a mink or a golden hamster # A horse has eight billion # mind you it's not surprising the size of their dicks when they get horny is it ? # Yeah # Yeah you wanna go to Ostens and get the address of them # Oh , dogs who get locked together during sex # Nearly all A # You only need two As anyway don't you ? # Yeah and now I'm left with four # I thought he had more than that , he was saying he's got sex man # Only about seven of the buggers # Oh # Oh here we go might have # innit Phil ? # B # Either change direction or reverse the play # You should read the last word on this # Oh you're down to two now # If you get any more you've got to put one back on the bottom of the pile # No # Oh you'll have to try that tonight then Phil # No # no # oh come off # It doesn't cos how many do you need Phil ? # mind , you've got to change his nappy # A # No you cataramie # What is a common symptom of alcoholism ? # Bigamy forgetting you already have a wife or husband , thinking you have two partners , when you only have one or permanent impudent # Yeah # yeah # Next time you get out on the bus ask them personally if you've got a humby Is that still going ? # Righto # Is Gary there ? # Right your go Gal # But you have to the questions in there # C # C # I should get two cards for that shouldn't I ? # Ha , oh god # What was the philosopher Manuelle Kans when he died ? # Very happy , very ill he had # or he was a virgin ? # Yeah # Oh it's ears I think # Fucking hell # we've been here twelve hours # I was gonna say A # Oh was it ? # The Graduate # Oh , thank you # Is that all we've # B # Oh # What about driving then ? # Them balls in the road # What's that got to do with sex ? # What giant sexual organ escapes in Woody Allen's film Everything You've Always Wanted To Know About Sex ? # A , a breast , B , a penis or C a pussy # A # What is Animal Farm like ? # Everyone keeps going on about the Animal Farm # Oh dear # Oh yeah it's # party innit ? # Who ? # B yeah # his nob drops off and he dies # Butterfly and a plant # Yeah , you need two # As # Phillip # Yeah # Yeah # You don't want to say it out loud Phil cos if I have to swap one of my cards I'm not gonna give him an N # Your turn to read # You don't swap he , he gives you one # Swap your card with the player to your left # Mm # Five # He reckons he's gonna answer more questions than you # Now swap your cards , # Oh god , I ain't got # Twelve inches # Oh does it ? # Oh god Phillip # there's no point when you die , there's no point in me # And when you go down the aqua slide # in Spain it shrivels doesn't it dear ? # What is a seventy eight ? # a Victorian tin miner , a prostitute term for a client who's quick to come , a sixty nine for on the side on ? # Yeah # How many cards have you got now , nine innit ? # Can you re-visit ? # Trust us like mad # Your turn Phil # Ah come on # So # Madonna # Yeah that's obvious , she's a fucking sex maniac # Go on # Quite a few # B # A # have a card # Oh you've got to put one back now ain't you ? # How many nipples did Anne Boleyn have ? # One , two or three ? # Yeah # how the hell do you have three nipples ? # Yeah # B # You counted two instead of one then , I mean one instead of two # Have you got it all ? # He had to swap with the person on his left didn't he ? # Come on Phil you've gotta read a question # C # Yeah cos you've never heard of him # Clive James is the one who does that # Kim Basinger # Yeah # the sizes though , they usually only have them in about a three and a four don't they ? # How much were they ? # Oh how sick # Oh my god #