# Got any merit marks today ? # Try doing that . # Are you coming to the fair tomorrow ? # Yeah . # Half past ten to half past twelve . # There's some good things but th they don't do cards . # No I got the cakes Does it look alright Paul ? # Could of got the but they're there . # Is that alright ? # I have a # Mark I can't remember gotta get # cleared up before Sunday I've gotta go at nine o'clock tomorrow morning to get the cake . # Twenty third . # By the phone oh no it's this round the erm on the table I might you change you can't go . # Yeah I've done the booking . # I only said we're getting a lift and Richard to write a letter to join the dance . # I dunno still right # Oh !er look I mean it at all unless David gives me a little # That's a good reason for David to give me a lift isn't it ? # Well I know where it is I just don't know how to get there . # Yeah . # Only fourteen # only fourteen babies under twelve months old get that every year ! # God you know you are lucky wouldn't you ? # Yeah . # Think it was cancer childhood cancer or something . # I mean fourteen babies a year that can # No ah yeah under twelve months old only fourteen babies a year get it Oh that's dreadful ! # mail and it says about what a lovely family they are and how it's gotta # be good that a such a er erm show what a perfect family how they sort of go through it all . # Yeah by a family who knew them personally not off . # Will he still be going to Japan . # What about # it ? # True . # No we're gonna do it tomorrow morning no I won't . # Hello is that John ? # It's Ruth here . # I don't know how to tell you this I can't I can't # make the tenth ! # Well I I I could but all # and I a chair for the # even in the chair for a meeting # about erm # I think # cos they've asked me . # Oh I want that some if all the social services just put in with the thing having # a series of six meetings about this # a lot about it and shan't be , frankly I'm relieved I don't actually know a lot but when the meeting to discuss what we're supposed to do is on December tenth yo so I'm a bit torn cos I in a way that's what I ought to be doing even though the welfare business in a way that's wh that's what I ought to be doing cos it's entirely . # No you want one ! # To give to me on Sunday . # Still put that aside . # Why's got a big one ? # Until they start tre tra blurgh they start treatment straight away don't they , these days . # Makes your # hair fall out # Well you'd have to . # Blood type and that's what that other woman died girl died of didn't she they # Mm . # Done there was a our school dinners today I went into this give you four pounds back I get twenty two pounds sixty Have you got two tens in change of a twenty ? # Have you got two tens you want to change for a twenty Paul ? # Mm . # You'd written out a cheque # Yeah . # When have you got to pay all that . # How much is it ? # What just write a cheque ? # Well you won't be there on the day . # Well not you can't pay on the night , can you ? # You're unemployed I wouldn't have thought you could've stood a hundred and fifty , two hundred pounds withdrawal . # What ? # Remind me to wash in these cupboards before Sunday . # Have you seen Jan and Joan dress up to their their Victorian day Jan came like a an upright stripped erm working , not working class a sort of governess right she had # frumpy shoes and a . # Oh she borrowed it , and a bonnet and a white flowers an all and Joan turned up like a a twenty five year old Victorian fashion model you should have seen her ! # Black silk skirt maroon blouse her hair done up in a bun draped with gold jewellery oh talk about looking the part ! # And John hired this thing like a cape # Oh it's it's quite common , everybody does it if you have a vic if you study Victorians anyone who a Victorian and they all they did all done out , chairs er table space at the front , they did drill in the playground they played with tops and hoops in the playground , all the children the m parents hired costumes from Fairy Godmothers Fairy Godmother's done a roaring trade especially # That's not # Yeah . # Some of but you can't do it for something like a Medieval's day or Roman # day it'd be grim , but Victorian # people have got a , yeah # and they had to they had to sit in rows and they had to do as they were told and they weren't allowed # to speak . # Apparently some of the children got quite scared of Jan cos Jan played the part so well ah Joan for life . # Yeah . # Ah no he looked very good he had a gown and a mortar board and cane and bow tie and pin striped socks , quite good , yep . # All day and then he got all to do at lunch time yeah they kept it up all the day , they had separate play time , they had had to eat their lunch in the class room all they were allowed was a piece of fruit , a bread and water and they all had to have , you know , they had a bread roll supplied by the school an a an apple I think And Jan made them write out their names and some of them couldn't write their name ! # Boy called Daniel couldn't write Daniel cos all last year he'd been allowed to put Danny an he'd forgotten how to write Daniel ! # Ten and John # that's what's so dreadful , Joe was language coordinator and they came from her ! # And another boys name was Thomas and he couldn't write that cos all last year he'd been Tom an he'd forgotten how to write his surname they're not dim children both of them # family she says quite an eye opener an they had write lines if they did anything wrong one boy just I reckon she could carried him but # You can't be three times Where's tonight gone ? # All this stuff in out here shall I ? # Look ! # I shout and shriek all day long ! # Ooh I'll lose my voice up there today we've done some really good things though try and do see more my hall is very full if he bothered to come to school he'd have seen them ! # Still find those what's this that's broken from ? # Paul spikes . # Some people go round # in science books # What does it say ? # Were they marked ? # Don't like the smell of your Narcissus . # Don't like the smell . # Somebody look ! # Can you see it ? # You know I can't see from that distance I thought John had a snowman badge on today , when I got close it's an owl and it said I am the vet . # No he's got a grey jumper with an owl Beaky on it all over the front and a mortar board on the owl . # Oh probably just did it Do you know what Terry's do you know what one of my children did today ?do you know what did apart from the fact he spent all day crying then he had to do the corrections , I said go back and do your corrections , said right on your own I wrote something that went no homework done , so he wrote no homework done ,no homework done , no homework done ! # I can just scream ! # Ah spent all day weeping today with one thing and another when he weeps # he oh ! # They'd write a poem for her about my greatest fear , I said I remember last year there was a boy called Ali and he wrote a story about a poem about this bird and cos he was really scared of that and so I said I don't suppose any of you will write about being scared of me except perhaps Adine ! # All Americans go Eh Nine o'clock tomorrow I'm going over to Kate ten thirty that gives me a bit of lee-way I've got a at ten I thought it was ten thirty I ought to get some money out really You're not going into Woking tomorrow morning are you doing your quiz ? # Do you want some help with it , not really . # He can't take part . # No you should do it # all yourself and then # No cos you won't # Yeah . # Yeah . # Yes . # Yeah I can't do it with you . # some proverbs , I can't think can you complete these proverbs good book up there for that I don't know at all , there's something wrong Ooh this looks really good got look at this book , all the streets it's got like The House of Commons and The House of Lords # Take you brilliant book that # I'm at school # you can smell it in the book # it's got all proverbs and what things mean . # Well they're proverbs aren't they . # Yeah . # Well all sorts , let sleeping dogs lie , the ones that underline them as I've underlined in biro . # Sort of big words for little words that's a big word , you have to think of an addition , I've had it in nineteen # fifty eight it is or nineteen sixty three geographical facts # peoples of other land , look all the people that come from # Well you bu you'll know if it isn't . # Look , masculine , feminine Kevin masculine , feminine some of them are really hard Zar , Marino distinctive name given to some countries , look the dairy of Northern Europe , Debonair cut your nails down ! # Look famous famous founders , pioneers Africa for east or west I think it'd be there today the muses do you know what that says ? # Any more famous faces oh you're gonna do up ? # Yeah . # Yes . # Yeah . # Yeah . # Of who you think it is . # seen them really . # score # You know you're of pictures now then . # So you're gonna photocopy this or are you just doing one original one ? # Are they free ? # about going # Well you're at football tomorrow . # Virtually watching Boon I've got some A two paper I think . # Even if I looked I wouldn't know gotta be fairly small pictures haven't they ? # D I S A double P E A R A N C E # D I S A double P E A R A N C E . # Yes please I'll have a Maxwell House cappuccino . # Just because you've got some imbeciles coming ! # Well mainly the children . # Your cousins . # Knowing Yvonne she'll hee hee ! # Oh did you do Kettle's boiled Kettle's boiled It's only three weeks since the last party this is all for Jim's benefit isn't it . # Well she goes June come on , could have had it next Friday I think something must be happening next Friday , she goes to Australia on the seventh well maybe that is next Friday Oh no it's the isn't it ? # Cos the sixth is next Friday no . # Ha ha ha ! . # Gosh how much have you got Paul ? # You do it all tonight ? # Why ? # You can't do any tomorrow can't do any on Sunday I suggest you do it all tonight . # You can't open the packet . # Yeah , but twice # We I know you can't open the packets , it's stupid ! # Honestly Paul you won't have time to do it tomorrow and Sunday well you can work 'till nine o'clock tonight . # You can work 'till nine o'clock tonight . # Cor they're really strong . # Mm . # I can't put them down there to begin with , I think they all draw up # than lower down . # You haven't had as many as usual have you ? # I'm gonna have to go in this afternoon again . # Took them out to make the tea did you get any biscuits ? # There's some Kit-Kats up there . # I wouldn't mind one . # Just one . # I'm nine two this morning on the scales , I'll have you know . # W H E R E A B O U T S seems to be a lack of spelling at your , this place Ah ! # Put plenty of royalty in . # Oh no , why should I ! # Trouble is Paul # I wouldn't cheat . # You'd love to though . # I gave my top group your algebra homework today they said Pau is this Paul's homework , I said yes that's not fair I said why isn't it fair ? # Well it's too hard , I said how do you know it's too hard ? # And they all did it apart from Chris who said urgh she always works us too hard ! # Apart from Christopher most of them managed it Paul especially Richard he's really clever I know who that is , Lady Di . # Course I am . # I'm not looking Paul don't tar everybody with the same brush . # Pardon , don't tar everybody with the same brush . # That means just cos you're likely to cheat don't assume that everyone else does . # Cos I see him cut it out . # Spell Vicinty # Will I have to pull up any of those caps heads before your Mum comes round ? # We were just hanging around talking today and the children done Christmas card competition an wi some really and me and # Moira # and and Joanne Joe , say who could judge this , this is for our competition we'll say Heidi coming , no , is anybody else in it , no er Sarah'll come in cos she doesn't know , right ? # So John came up and we said er we were wondering who could judge th Christmas card competition and he was saying oh I don't know ,and then th the P T A chairman came up erm we said oh perhaps you should judge the Christmas card competition erm and she said well Melissa is judging it and we said Pardon ! # Then John , , said well didn't you ask her this morning then ! # And Joan says oh no I forgot ! # Well and even that didn't jog his memory , that he should have asked her to judge it ! # You know # Well Mary going to judge it and , would he let her do it on her own , no he followed her round , making comments here , making comments there , trying to influence her fact is , this'll make you laugh , you know the wall displays you know th erm the books , Where's Wally Where's Wally you have this page , of really tiny little things and you have to find Wally , who's a person , right ? # In minute detail , hidden on the page is something , you remember how Simon had books like that # In where's Lisa , Where's Freddie , anyway it's Where's Wally , for that he said er I think I'll get a picture of somebody and er course he I said you gonna call it Where's Wally ? # He said no I'm wanna call it Where's the Wally ! # Milly said cos we'd been talking about this all day and they , the children had been saying to John you gonna have a picture of yourself in Where's the Wally thing ? # And erm Milly said ha can't think of a more suitable candidate and swept off ! # If you don't want the car I'll drive to school tomorrow . # I said if you don't want the car I'll drive Paul and myself to school tomorrow . # Well then it's not fair , use a different newspaper . # We got our local papers , aren't there any in there ? # You get yes you do you get pictures of pop stars and that in The # Mail . # And you can have my magazines # as well if you want The Express and The Mail have much the same pictures Got a football magazine and a Woman you can have a football , I can't u look # except for me If you think my general knowledge is abysmal ! # Erm after football's done , then it must be us . # Will you tell Paul he's gotta finish his homework tonight , if he can't do any tomorrow he can't do any on Sunday Not cutting off their hair ? # Not allowed to look Can I read that ? # Please ? # Why is it illiterate ? # Got a pen ? # Have you got a pen ?anything that writes Paul ? # I have . # How much did you pay for this pen in the market ? # It's got a loose nib ! # This pen you bought in the market has got a loose nib . # How many you got ? # Oh Paul ! # Daddy wants the scissors . # Not very . # Paul ! # Tell you what you can have a pair for Christmas instead of a computer . # There's a pair there look paper's there . # I'm not . # Ray Wilkins Is it ? # Sorry I just . # pay my attention to it , I look harder . # I'm really not Hey how about getting erm if I can get there early enough individual Christmas cakes they were gonna sell them for # two pounds each individual iced Christmas cakes like this . # I want one of them might be nice for Natty . # Keep it in the box . # Yes Paul that'll be a bit unfair for the other twenty nine people around wouldn't it ? # Ah ! # Then you'd know all the answers . # I think you should have a music one . # Ha ha I'm in at tomorrow morning I'm hoping when I wake up I wanna nice and # From the fair ? # Not very early , you can sleep in I've gotta go to Waitrose to pick up the stuff . # Well ten o'clock . # Oh hang on I'm leaving at ten cos I want to be there a little early and start them but I hope to get some perks . # Yeah I'm going to Waitrose at nine . # Yeah , what do you think I'm talking about ! # It's called Christmas fair but you and Darren have got a stall so ah # I already bought a children's thirty five pee each . # Zoe said are they for your little said which little fun are you talking about Zoe ? # Said yes they're both for Paul ha ha ! # Why are they called double grafts ? # Oh and they show two things so y you'll have to see if there's any correlation between the two is there any correlation between rainfall and temperature , and is there ? # When rainfall goes up does temperature up and vice versa ? # Well that's what you have to say , is there any correlation between # They all correlate . # It's connection isn't it Kev ? # That's level six , you should be doing that . # Well correlation I've just done that with all my children , you should be level six , no good doing it , you should be it Want you to do two pieces of work for Monday and all the same level , so there's an extra two you've got to do . # They get poem , my greatest fear and they get a project homework from Lynn . # Yeah how many have you got ? # Rubbish ! # Clap trap ! # That word would go down well . # Well sort of meant all knowing . # Ah you know that word as well . # Well how do you spell it ? # L a r y ? # What like an insult ? # Well I've never heard of it and they I said # Yeah but # moron # we know what moron means . # What you unkind ? # I do # Rude ? # No I'm sure he didn't mean rude . # Hurry up ! # Spell summary . # Is there any connection why have you coloured it in red biro ! # That doesn't show anything ! # Yet the January , February , March the temperature is high which is temperature I can't tell by looking at that , which one's temperature and which one's rainfall . # Yeah but which line refers to which , how can I tell ? # You need to put the dotted line there and square there # How ? # Well I'm sorry I don't think that is very clever for you ! # one degrees , how can temperature # one degree celsius equals one millimetre # So it's twenty five degrees celsius in January ? # Well I thought it wouldn't be a bad idea to put some sort of clue on it . # Er yep what's that gotta do with anything ? # And one you ! # No # You'll have to have pairs and put one three . # Put Michael with # if you put Michael with two other people , it's completely fair . # Why don't you say if you're a child you can go in a group of three , if your adults you'll have to be in a group of two , so the children can attach themselves to any group . # You've got eleven people you need four groups you don't have four groups it's not worth doing is it ? # Fine I'm # you know # Most amusing # No , just leave # your father ! # Heart . # Cheating you mean ! # Is Mum . # You did it in silence . # Why aren't you gonna for faces . # Well you'll have to think of some . # You got the maps of South America ? # I've got one at work a blank , you should of asked me for it . # Yeah . # I could get it tomorrow morning in my # Yes # I've got all the countries blanks might not oh I might not even have the countries on but if you had blanks you could put countries in , that'll be easier than # No what the boundaries ? # No you just draw the lines . # What scale ? # How many land-lock countries are there in South America ? # Well I think why would you do it tonight if I didn't have it ? # Say I didn't have it tomorrow you'd # do it tonight ? # I'll tell you what's best for Michael . # No . # Children are allowed to go # You can have those # No there are no husbands allowed to be with any wife and children can attach themselves to which group they want . # Well there's going to be apart from your father there's going to be seven adults . # Well I could go with two children , I expect . # Cos I'm the cleverest person , I can go with two teenies ! # No and I could be the only adult with two children cos I'm so clever . # Ah , give me a pen ! # Can I , thank you . # There's Nanna and Margarite , if I find him another # No four groups , is all you'll get out of twelve people . # Don't put # er Adrian # erm Mooty # Mooty and Michelle # What other adult is there ? # There's only me # One , two # three , four # It'll have to be me with Papa . # That's the eight adults . # Andy . # Michelle and Mooty , why you think that's too clever ? # What better than Michelle and Mooty ? # She generations though . # Who you gonna put Karen # with ? # Well I put Karen with Papa and me with Andy then . # Put me with Andy then , and Karen with Papa . # No it'll have to be Karen and Andy cos # Cos the others are different generations , they're at a disadvantage cos they're the same generation Andy # and Karen . # Karen doesn't read The Mail and nor does Andrew . # Oh of course # Right you got that'll do , I think unless your father wants to # Now three of those groups can have a child # No . # You mean you with Nanna and Adrian yeah I think you should # be with them put Michael with Andrew and Karen tha # Who can have Lisa , me and Papa or Michael an Mi Michelle and Mooty ? # Where's does Lisa go ? # Why ? # Why ? # I've put her with Michelle ! # So that left Andrew and Karen on their own ? # Do you think that's fair ? # Andrew and Karen , you think # they're so clever that they're # going to beat anybody else ? # Go to Dad . # make up on . # He's not listening he's not listening # Is it after lunch , I presume ? # Paul don't belittle the # older generation . # Is Daddy putting Michael Jackson in ? # comet have you used the match box ? # Right so you're going to go work # after I've gone to have you ? # You can go to work when the tape stops Well he's not going to watch you sticking all those on at work what's he gonna be doing . # And when were you going to do the map of you can't do that map tomorrow can you ? # Well when will you do that at work then ? # Before or after football ? # Right , fine wish you could slot into washing up mood . # Is there a prize ? # Is there a prize ? # What an overall prize or individual prizes ? # Well they'll have to be equal prizes wouldn't they ? # What Christmas presents ? # Big deal ! # Well I've never prize # That's why you'll start getting more and more like your Dad . # Wouldn't argue with that one iota . # Scrap . # Scrap . # Scer er ap . # One little bit , I wouldn't argue with her . # No it's too hard . # Who ? # upstairs and find . # But we got go grammatical each person has to speak . # Is it tonight Casualty on ? # Fridays ? # Done today's paper ? # Can I have it then . # I only want the television page # for Friday Kevin # Oh for goodness sake how can I possibly see anything aye aye ! # I thought you wanted a pop star ? # No # I might win . # I've got a lovely mental test for the children it's a bit hard . # Two one one I am so tired , I've got to get up early tomorrow , right I want that recorded twenty one thirty , shall I her out ? # as well . # Paul can you turn this thing to nought . # Or on this one or you have to have the other one ? # Thank you so if I press play and record now twenty one thirty , twenty two thirty it's half past ten thirty five to half past ten that's alright so if I press play and record now it should come on at wha one and a half and ten one forty so it should come on when it says one forty . # Shoe shoes shoe # To see Mrs . # Who ? # Mm ? # Right I got my key then . # Alright ? # Well will you be very late ? # See you then . # Christmas presents . # Er one thing , what's the name of this record you want ? # What's it called ? # What's the cover look like ? # It was green last time you I asked you . # Are you celebrating your birthday tomorrow ? # I don't mind . # So you'll take Paul to church in the morning will you ? # Well you can drop him off and pick him up . # What's that he's got ? # What's that ? # You bought it ? # More money than sense . # How old was he there ? # Let us have a bit of the paper . # Yeah I know ! # I read that . # And bought another one . # That is dreadful garage that didn't phone to find out why they hadn't picked it up though , isn't it ? # I'd have thought # That was in the Mail That was in the Mail . # Yes . # Oh I should think the garage publicized it . # I remember this one . # Who's that ? # Ray Davies ? # No it isn't . # # Who is that ? # Is it ? # Ha ha you used to look like that . # Mm . # Where ? # We need a new aerial . # Where's the other bit of paper ? # Yeah , well which bit have you got there ? # Has it got the adverts in it ? # Jaws is on telly Paul . # Er ? # Jaws is on . # Included The Who , The Small Faces , The Move , The Kinks , The Moody Blues and Jimi Hendrix . # Absolute rubbish on television . # That's what Merle said . # Now House of Elliott's finished she's got nothing to watch . # I bet she's watching Bugsy Malone . # Did you hear that , Winston Churchill's doing Bugsy Malone ? # And Catherine's in it and that er I said ooh haven't you seen it Merle , she said no . # I said ooh I've got the video . # She said well what's it like . # I said ooh you'll either find it really funny or you wouldn't find it funny at all but erm # Catherine well I can see that # I can imagine that Tom would find it funny . # I said it's a very good film . # Anyway Catherine's got a very small part in it . # She's a German reporter or something . # Which I couldn't even remember a German reporter . # I said what do you work for Fat Sam ? # I don't think she knows it very well . # She said she's seen the film but none of the other family have seen it . # Oh yeah . # That's just gonna make an awful mess on stage isn't it if they ? # Yeah . # She said it's a very small part . # Oh yeah ? # Splurge guns . # Yeah . # The Who . # I met Liz in er Woking Paul . # I met Liz in Woking . # stall made over seventy pounds . # And Jo won a major raffle prize . # Liz said isn't it typical . # She won a huge box of groceries . # Liz said I won a raffle prize . # I said oh what did you win ? # She said well it was down to the last two she said , I had a choice between a red and green cushion or a fitness test . # So she said I took the fitness test . # I said you don't need a fitness test Liz . # She was waiting for her husband . # Her husband's much older than her . # Her husband # could be her father . # Well he's he's fifty five . # He is fifty five . # That's why she's talking about him retiring isn't it ? # Liz ! # Actu no she probably is forty five but she only looks # about forty . # The way she carries herself makes her look # And Liz makes herself look # They used to break up all their things on stage . # Dreadful isn't it ? # Well that's what pop groups used to do . # Well look at them now . # Yes Paul . # Not the one holding his guitar . # Well that's what they did ! # They were only old instruments . # They didn't smash up anything valuable . # Oh . # Why don't you ever pick up the freebie papers ? # They've got the property in , I'm always interested in those . # Is he still alive , Pete Townshend ? # Cor look ! # Christmas shopping in Croydon Tuesdays and Thursdays . # And the week before Christmas Monday Tuesday Thursday Friday . # Were you alive then dad ? # No that was the that was the furniture repository . # Thank you ma . # I'd nearly forgotten that . # I thought how on earth did I get myself # You plonker . # We've been to the site haven't we ? # The site is where the zoo is . # Oh I'm taking the phone up to phone my sister . # clock , with the children . # We were Christmas shopping can you imagine # Awful . # So I said what have you got it all then ?she's bought your present but she can't post it . # She said it's heavy # so you might be getting something else . # It's quite a nice book . # So she's gonna buy Simon either chocolates dairy miniatures # or a supply of chocolate miniatures . # Or a supply of caps for his gun . # Do you reckon that's quite a good idea ? # A supply of caps for his gun . # Yeah I told her twelve . # Or roll cap . # It's two new guns . # One takes roll cap and one takes # Yeah but , the rate he # goes through it . # She might as well buy a year's supply . # She doesn't know what to buy , she might as well buy something useful mightn't she ? # There's no point in wasting six or seven pounds . # As far as I can understand anyway . # I said or a teddy that does something . # She had already bought it before she phoned dad this morning , so # She says it's too heavy to post . # Well she might , but you might have to wait till after Christmas for it . # I'm not sure . # No you might be old enough to be considered you can wait till after Christmas for your present . # Paul I'd like you to do a job . # No . # I'd like you to do a proper job . # I'd like you to take a sponge and I'd like you to clean the paintwork on the stairs . # Please . # I've done the touching up . # You won't help will you . # You're not going this time . # Chelsea won today . # No you didn't . # You played Manchester United . # report on the telly ? # Have you heard it ? # You'll have to listen to it then . # No . # I do rewind it . # reading teletext # Kanchelski # Sorry ? # Kannchelsk ? # Did they tell you how he was ? # Did they tell you how he was ? # No ! # What do you want ? # What do you want ? # . # What do you want ? # One five one # Is that a lot ? # So Liverpool's got the biggest capacity has it ? # So Liverpool's got the biggest capacity has it ? # Manchester City twenty two # nearly all those were with home fans weren't they ? # Well Manchester City versus Wimbledon . # Nearly all those will be home fans . # Wouldn't they ? # Twenty two and a half thousand ! # Nil nil . # Paul . # Watch my lips . # Go and turn the television off in the kitchen please . # Now ! # What do you go like this . # Press the red button . # Four nil was the biggest score . # Well Tranmere lost four nil at Ipswich . # Sowfend . # Eight o'clock , they're hoping to get home . # Four nil . # Still . # Yeah . # You get used to it if you support Palace but # Five one you lost not long ago ! # Now you lot . # A lot . # Oh and you lost # West Ham ? # You'll soon be losing against Birmingham . # Statisticians . # Would you like page now ? # There were lots of draws . # Thirteen draws . # Bury one thousand eight hundred and eighty six people ! # Who's that with seventeen thousand ? # Wow West Brom . # the figures is irrelevant isn't it ? # The figures are irrelevant . # Even if they went out the league they'd get that number . # They wouldn't be able to afford to keep the ground on would they ? # They wouldn't be able to afford to keep the ground on if they went out # Yeah . # Yeah . # But that's all much of a muchness isn't it ? # Nothing over four . # Did Woking play ? # What Woking did play ? # Two hundred and seventy five people watching . # Oh I thought Woking were # Well that's it . # There aren't any more results . # There aren't any more results ! # There's one off for fog . # What would you like dear ? # There's noth there's nothing on number one about it at all . # Sport football # Saturday review . # League table . # Non leagues # Three eight . # That's . # Are you sure Woking ? # Five nil . # Are they top of that division ? # So what happens ? # They go into the Vauxhall league next year ? # Couple of seasons ! # If Crystal Palace don't succeed you could be playing Woking . # Love it . # Yes . # I'd pay for that . # I'll pay for # a Woking season ticket free , for nothing . # There's nothing on Lineker there at all . # Yet other times # What ? # You mean like every other week ? # Yeah # Oh do you ? # Have you ever watched Woking play ? # Ah oh that's exactly what the other one said . # Poorly but stable . # That was on six o'clock this morning that was on . # Two people died # No . # You don't need to hear the music . # It's only a plasticine model . # I think he's dead . # Ooh ! # Oh no ! # It's all in the studio isn't it ? # My stones didn't come out very shiny . # So can I start wearing my dressing gown before Christmas then ? # Oh , I don't mind that . # Ugh the towel's dirty . # We're not gonna know the person who's going to listen . # Have you turned it off ? # that off ? # You haven't turned that off ? # Oh . # Why is this dirty again ? # I'm fed up with you . # I keep putting it in there , clean one . # Do you want to do any jobs . # Paul I think you should go to bed now . # Busy day tomorrow , yes ? # Well isn't that what they want to know ? # totally illiterate . # Oh Paul don't be silly ! # Go to bed if you're going to be silly . # Go and learn your words for tomorrow . # Oh ! # I bet you did . # Why did you let him ? # Why did you let him ? # Why did you let him do it ? # You've got no control over him at all have you ? # No we didn't . # No , you pull it out a bit at a time , not just # So it's it's totally wasted then is it ? # Totally wasted . # Is it totally wasted then ? # He's gonna have steroids for it . # He's gonna have steroid injections in his # Yeah . # I do , I think . # Yeah . # He wants to do this rap thing doesn't he ? # I want to # going all night while you were # out Will you chew those ? # You've been a very good boy right ha flowers are floppy # Yep . # Yeah so except you've got to list everybody's name . # Yeah but you're supposed to listen to it all off and see . # Well no so they can identify the people , isn't it . # So I've just gotta jot it down quickly then . # Yeah well when I saw Alison's lo the flan recipes , I panicked . # Right all those need slicing and buttering and putting on there . # hundred ha there's a tomatoes . # I'll make some sandwiches can you feel that's soft enough , if you don't like that # Well no I got butter # Yeah # Yeah , I'll just put this out . # I think these flans will freeze so what we don't need # This one is prawn and pepper # Pu no well red pepper with paprika sprinkled on . # And this is egg and bacon and mushroom a little piece of cheese Orville ! # Well really , looks like I've only done two each but I think I'll freeze I'll only cut two up lovely ! # Want the sharp # What do you want the little one for ? # I said the sharp one this one he's fairly cheap but they use him a lot , . # I think they burn very easy Do you think everyone will dress up today ? # Don't cut them completely in half like that . # Well , oh best if you cut them almost to the end like that then butter them and stick them back together again Have I got that cream ? # I've sort of forgot about the puddings there's blackcurrant torte up there , can you see ? # And I've two # black tiny black forest gateaux , but they're here for tea aren't they so # no need # Oh Nigel ! # I haven't got a pie slice . # Well it sounds the same couldn't believe it ! # Is there sugar in my coffee ? # It won't last long # No # she's it could've been saying # No it's funny unle I Mum says is it something that's just been published this year you know , like if someone just published # and everyone jumped on the bandwagon , or have they all made up their own ? # Well Michael says you haven't been to a decent service for six weeks , till back . # So we went so and so , that was dreadful ! # We went so and so , that was dreadful ! # That's it well tha there's Peggy says I said oh well I'm a bit erm worried about taking them and I said they have been known to get up and walk out , and said , surely not ! # But Peggy says well why shouldn't they walk out , if they're that old and they're don't li why shouldn't they get up and walk out ? # I thought Peggy , I ah . # They wouldn't of , no . # But in a way , I i i is it better for them to walk out than seethe and you know , I sa are you putting a bit much on there ? # Tricia says it's not butter Are we exchanging Christmas presents today , did you ascertain that off your Mum ? # I've got them # We've gotta give them to them today have we Andy and Michelle ? # What Christmas presents , same time as the Golden Wedding ? # What at her rap ? # Right . # Well who's gonna come and see us eh ? # Mm . # Well I'm gonna give Mutty that cake today , just pile them up Do you think twenty four's enough to do to begin with ? # There is ? # For twelve people . # Do twelve egg ones , please . # was coming with clingfilm but stick the rest in there What are you eating ? # Gotta take box to school and I can't be bothered , cos you've got the car tomorrow haven't you ? # You've got the car Friday , and you got the car Wednesday ? # Cos you're going down to aren't you on Wednesday ? # Or are you not ? # Have you sent Val a postcard ? # Are you going to or not ? # No . # No . # Well have you sorted out your holiday ? # On the Wednesday ? # And have you sorted out your holiday ? # How many holidays you got left ? # I've only got # two days left # So if you go to the Christmas do on nineteenth then you just bring Simon home with you afterwards , I think don't you ? # But you need to tell Zoe . # Cos he finishes at four o'clock on that day anyway . # So you just bring them home at lunchtime or something give him a # Yeah we did it last year cos I broke up the day before last year all of mine still at school that day . # What for ? # Oh what on the nineteenth ? # That's a long time ahead two weekends to go You ought to see how badly that can't you when you ha ha three bits on there suppose you could do that now couldn't you ? # If you allow a bit like . # I don't think I'll pie , you're right put out mince pies we didn't win on the pools , I've checked I'll throw away the coupon or do you wanna see what you got ? # Yes , they're all the aways written out on the top B T shareholders , do you want this ? # Next week pools coupon ? # Crystal Palace cam Coppell campaigns . # Somewhere . # That one being drawn twenty six of November what's that one , that's Park School . # Does Mike have some er Georgian Hotel , look at that Christmas jokes , Daddy , Eddie's broken my new dog how did he do that I hit him on the head with it Why is Father Christmas unemployed ? # Maybe you know that one , cos he got the sack . # Why ? # Oh no Fred # Fred it's rude to keep reaching over the table for the mince pies , haven't you got a tongue in your head ? # Yes , but my arm's longer Oh it's the Christmas crossword I could photocopy that for the children . # Oh look how about a Christmas customs , I wonder if the answers are in the back what kind of fruit sauce is traditionally eaten with turkey ? # A well known Christmas decoration was the sacred plant of the druids what is an advent calendar ? # Was the sending of Christmas cards introduced , one one eight two , one eight four six , or nineteen O three ? # What event does a celebrate ? # There's ten questions well look up , what's wanted , can you match these nursery rhyme features with suitable Christmas presents Humpty Dumpty , Old Mother Hubbard , Wee Willy Winky , Jack Spratt , Doctor Foster , # And there's a nativity quiz , quiz What were swaddling clothes ? # Why were the shepherds on a hill side afraid ?this is quite a good one shall I # Erm yeah I expect the answers will be at the back . # Mhm mm there's some answers # Christmas clothes how you fill in the blanks , I saw something come sailing by , that's quite good Little Jack Horner sat in the corner eating his # Mutty . # And she's got a child in that book . # Mu , Michelle , Mutty and Michael but on the other hand Michael might have to budge You can change it all I # Michelle and Mutty . # Andrew and Carole you're sure they've got to # What goes oh oh oh ? # Father Christmas laughing backwards . # Postman , I have a Christmas parcel but the name on it is obliterated can't be for me then , my name's Jones . # Well you don't need a lot of room , yeah just pass it around # Well no you it'd have to be you # that marked it , you couldn't do that you'd # have to pass them round and mark them instantly then start the next section . # Well cos what person could then be lying around waiting to mark the answers ? # You've only got one quiz master . # Alright # Where's the plum in this plum pudding ? # Would you expect to find a dog in the plum pudding Milly , what did you get that ten P for ? # Tilly , carol singing , Milly , and what did you fifty P for ? # Tilly , stopping Right I won't look at the answers . # What ? # That says staff library , please return on it I didn't look it , I didn't look at any answers for the questions . # Well you could just leave it out ! # What do you me why am I daft it wasn't one of # the questions , it was one of the jokes ! # You didn't say stop reading out the jokes . # well how would you have known then , you wouldn't have waded through the whole book looking for it , would you ? # There aren't the hours in the day , ten to eleven , your Mum's coming at half past twelve . # Knowing her , quarter past twelve . # What ? # She's been getting quite a lot of in our jokes over a couple ha ! # Oh he's forgotten his cool dude glasses . # Oh , my Mum rap he's going to cool dude , cool dude . # What ? # Oh # No . # And not have # But there's probably more people who don't know what rap is , in England , than do think about it . # I bet there are . # Load of single people over the age of thirty . # We mustn't he's got really , really if it's not done well it's a it's worse than not doing it all . # Yeah # an the # Yeah . # Right , does it ? # No I don't did one it did , you heard the little boy that's not getting on at home dreadful # No there's one on the teachers are picking on him # surprise , surprise # come on you no course teachers will pick on him , the only secondary school teacher that John he walked round with him he might have shot out of there # backside ! # Well # well # he obviously hasn't and I think it's really funny ! # Pompous ! # Ooh I could of gone # he should have gone to private school shouldn't he , really but then # No I don't think they can afford it . # Yes I know , I think Jeremy is quite # No , it's just how they appear . # How I was brought up , but a no one 's ever called me pompous I mean , the way walks around as if he owns the place , I think it's really funny ! # And I don't suppose he's made ,didn't have very many friends , did he , really , at Goldsworth ? # I mean Paul was one of his friends he never had that many so that probably means he finds it hard to make friends , you can tell # Yeah . # Yep . # Well I'll tell you this once and then # Ooh who told me I think it came from Great Grandma and then told her . # Well impeachable source but I there's no smoke without fire and everything else I've heard I've got to set this table . # Ha Well he said he'd probably get on alright at Horstell that's the irony of it wasn't necessary for him to go to Winston # What different schools ? # Well I mean Phillip wanted to go to Winston . # I am making a mess ! # Well I did leave the other one how long do you leave it ? # I think Moira's gone to church I think she has . # Well I I thought oh go and watch the telly and I'll send Paul round when he gets back right , I'll take these two mugs to school , those with the on what did you do with the other one ? # It's got quite well spiders on , but at least you feel they're being used we don't get # enough out of Ha Oh drink two , four , six , eight , ten , there's enough bowls for ten people to have fruit salad . # That's your lot that through how many seats there in the front room ? # One , two , three , four five six , seven , eight no one , two three , four there's nine so we'll probably have to take some stools in , but I won't take them in till the last minute . # Well what needs to be cold that's out there ? # I haven't got a clue , it's up to you there's a box of wine that's been in the fridge for about six weeks ! # We'll have that , that's quite a good one I think , though . # That's Sainsbury's Muscadet we'll have that . # So there's white wine I'll put these two in the fridge , so there's sparkling orange and there's Sainsbury's Cascade put a Kiri er what does Karen have , Appletise # is it ? # Put that in the fridge , there's room in the fridge now have you put an Appletise in the fridge ? # In fact you could bring quite a bit of it in and put it in the fridge . # Are you going to change ? # Oh you have changed . # Well those you're gardening trousers . # Right , I'll put some make up on Just read them straight out the book can't you ? # I'll mark them there . # I haven't ! # In the back of the book How many sections have you got altogether ? # What pictures ? # You're joking , there's about fifty countries in Africa aren't there ! # Do mix the countries or # is it just South Africa ? # Well what if they the Burkina Faso # Well what are they like ? # I mean you're in the middle of a country # Well I can't place very many , all I've placed are the ones in the middle that I used to live in I could probably place Zambia , Malawi Zimbabwe whatever the Conga is now called , I don't even know what that's now called that's about my limit , Ghana Nigeria , might be able to place if it's geographical features I could place more how many countries have you given then in Africa ? # Fwoar ! # I won't cheat , go and look it up oh we're working in pairs though aren't we ? # Yeah . # Have you prizes ? # Why not ? # Well you've really got have something , in case o # I'm no , you know my eyesight , I can't see that . # Pardon ? # You need three prizes , three in case it's a team of three that win how about buying three Toblerones ? # I'll send Paul to get them I don't think I've got three of them in the house Surely you don't have to write them out . # Hope Adrian's in a good mood You haven't seen what work he's doing at the moment then , how does he know ? # Quick look at the tape ooh what's this ? # Bet you couldn't cut all those pictures off . # That's Michael Caine s oh not it isn't Pamela Bordes , I thought it was Michael Caine's wife Oh there's Michael Caine's wife , oh they do look similar # Why ? # What the Christmas card one ? # It was Victorian times wasn't it ? # Or make three different dates for it . # Oh I'm not just a pretty face I don't remember what dates it has , make up three appropriate dates So they're both coming at half past twelve , yeah ? # Roughly will they come in three different cars ? # Alright , we're going next week . # You won't have that cold next week . # So it might be alright for Mum and Dad ? # Well if there's no rap , it might be alright for Mum and Dad . # There will be a rap ? # Yes . # There will be a rap ? # Well what are they gonna cancel then ? # So you gotta go next week for a dress rehearsal an if you want me to . # Well what costume do you need for your dress rehearsal ? # And when will they let you know whether it's cancelled or not ? # What are you eating ? # Win a lot of toys ? # So who else is in it , apart from you ? # Oh take some Anadin , you'll feel better . # Well we changed your group , by the way . # Daddy said , you should be with Nanna and Adrian . # No Daddy said you should be with Michelle and Mutty . # Well cos erm some of the questions are sort of , English questions . # Well Michelle's not English . # Yeah but Mutty's old won't understand all the rapping . # He didn't . # There's one # Oh he isn't ! # Don't turn round take something for your si cold . # Don't turn round . # Goodnight . # You'll enjoy it when they get here it's cold isn't it ? # Yeah but she might not know English Christmas traditional questions . # If I were you I'd much rather be with Michelle and Mutty Michelle's very clever . # Cos you might win Ferrero Rocher don't want that one over there . # Just give me the . # You forgot to put new tapes in the recorder last night . # New batteries rather . # Yes go and see on Teletext see if Gary Lineker's son's died . # Well no I mean I want to know . # Oh yes he is . # He's only thirty one , Gary Lineker . # Paul , that is not what I meant ! # See how he is , if you prefer Wogan's been axed . # It lost half its ten million since it started a speculator for BBC wants to buy This is Your Life and Thames the seven o'clock with Wogan as host it's a # a week That's alright then , that means he alright , good The Queen Mother fell over yesterday got up again . # Queen Mother fell over # yesterday , how old is she , ninety two ? # Ninety three ? # Doesn't say about time she retired Mm mm ha In our report , headed the burden slaves , on October the thirteenth we mistakenly a picture of Vidalia Oberia in place of Mrs Filamenia Agassi typical Daily Mail ! # Why did what go wrong ? # Well # And for your next complaint ! # Yes . # Junior doctor held his held his finger on a neck wound . # Why did he have to keep it there for three hours ? # Why couldn't they get # No but I mean why did it take three hours to get him to surgery ? # An awful # long time doesn't it , before anybody did anything A junior doctor held his finger in a stabbed policeman's neck wound # for three hours with a sur as the surgeon battled to save his life well I'd have thought they could have plugged wounds with something other than a finger ! # Urgh ! # This three inch wound , look at him , look at his scar ! # Ah . # Is the front door shut Paul ? # There's some Vauxhall advert the choice buy a Nova with a good deal or very little doesn't make sense does it ? # Kevin ? # Well it's another Vauxhall ad but it doesn't make sense buy a Nova with a good deal or very little . # Well what does it mean ? # In fact they are on all of them , looks silly doesn't it ? # Are you giving me your cold ? # Paul this is Sunday , do we have post on a Sunday ? # Have you done all your homework , you can go and do half an hour's homework quite usefully couldn't you ? # Have you done it all ? # Oh well done . # Hardly . # I hope not . # That'll do . # It's better than the red and blue one Half of primary pupils will not work on their own traditional teaching is best ten year study shows modern class , failing children . # Well they've all played as well so they might remember . # taking English Grammar at best , taught to the whole class thank you I think I'll cut that out and take that in . # We need some tonic water Kevin , is that in the garage ? # Oh I think we will make it out of Soda Stream to begin with do you want to make a bottle Paul ? # Get the middle size bottle , make a middle size bottle full of # Well look harder . # Well what's happened to them ? # Paul try just s middle # Oh knowing your Dad , doing on the last minute ! # Well where have the middle sized Soda Stream bottle gone ? # Well make the little one Paul . # Ah here it is hang on a second while I rinse it out . # Only one bottle . # Yeah . # You got any share money hanging over you still or have you paid everything ? # What shares you bought yesterday ? # What you said was I am going to pay in these various cheques and if there's a big queue I'll come straight out # and I said why should there be a big queue and you said because cos it's a B T share offer . # Well when I went past Britannia to see if you were there , there was nobody in it . # Mm there was nobody in there # So if I meet a big queue # I must have missed you , cos if I went past Britannia , and I thought ooh they'll probably still be in there # They all stand by the door don't they ? # Yeah you'd be alright I think it might be twelve thirty round about twelve fifteen , Britannia isn't it ? # Well that's why you went to Britannia's innit , isn't it ? # Okay ? # We haven't got three hundred and twenty pounds . # I hope you'll save that two hundred for your Mum's golden wedding # booze I am cold . # Yeah . # Paul , the one on the left is Kenneth Baker the one on the right is a policeman neither of those is a junior doctor . # Not worthy of a photograph I shouldn't think There's the Queen Mother again , doesn't say how old she is There is the picture of the doctor , mind you he doesn't look like a junior doctor , he's Pakistani and he looks about fifty ! # Mr Ujam # What's this ? # The florists were alright . # Nice flowers . # So it is . # Sheila's buying an Amiga . # How many Sheilas do you know ? # Sheila . # She pro they buying it as a joint family present this year . # Then each child's only allowed ten pounds worth of presents apart from that you look dreadful ! # Why don't you go and lie down for half an hour ? # Take some Anadin . # Paul there's probably a million Amigas in the country . # about that , I think you've got a totally illiterate person , no doubt Actually she said nine tenths certain going to get an Amiga but they might get an Atari . # No well there's all different Ataris aren't there ? # These are supposed on the side don't you ? # Well that's cheaper . # What # What is the point of mouse ? # Yeah but what is the point of it ? # How do you know I've got mouse mays at school ? # I haven't got one . # Do # Ah . # You can eat anything there for lunch and I'm going to put sandwiches and cake out for tea . # I haven't made them yet , I'll be making them this afternoon , yet more work to do I can't really make them now . # Oh ! # With twenty five we're likely to die falling off a ladder than you are to die from AIDS . # Yep . # What . # Yes I'm sure it probably did I just thought Paul , go to the corner of the front room Paul and take something for that . # Don't take one with bacon round it . # That lounge . # No . # Why do I only I allowed to have your cold ? # Erm , you'd better keep away from Papa . # Don't breathe over them and don't make it so obvious . # Right , let's try the crossword ,fish of carp family ,don't know ,middle in a cracker , # Portuguese enclave in China , Daddy will know that . # Portuguese enclave in China , begins with M # Five Ancient models # of a Spanish Peninsula the young eel is an alba plaice , Paul has not got five letters . # Begins with T , I expect it's tench # well I think tench and carp are the same family kind of orange navel naval , navel navel King Tyle who assisted Solomon in the building of the temple # King Tyle # Religion revealed through Mohammed . # Oh thank you Paul . # That's not . . # I think it's hair what's the ancient name for the Spanish Peninsula # yeah it ends in I A , and it might begin with O it begins with a vowel kind a it's a lu the Russian walk out it's got a Z in it . # No something U something Z something something # Not bolshoi is it , how do you spell Macau ? # O ? # I thought it was M A C A U , Macau . # You would . # Well maybe no it cos it'd be # bolshoi if it was O . # O . # holiday # the something something meetings of spiritualistic phenomena seance . # Bird , female of the ruff style of architecture prominent during the reign of Louis the f fifteenth . # Nothing words of songs , lyrics ? # Birthplace of Saint Theresa . # County in Eire . # Cle something . # Scrooge's late partner , Marley # one of the gospels , Mark ? # Bird , female of the ruff , I think it's a grouse nest of a bird of prey # no , nest ,one who manages another's business agent # so it's not a rouse what is a bird , female , oh it's a reath the American buffalo # What a county in Eire beginning with C L cl # Clare , County Clare . # style of architecture # with Cocoa I've done it . # Style of architecture with cocoa . # of the largest of the continent must be Africa but it doesn't fit . # Oh Asia the largest continent birthplace of Saint Theresa # India # doesn't fit where's Mother There Saint Theresa born ? # No , Saint Theresa . # Don't fit gotta be something I something A # Shakespeare comedy , the mister of something # Is it ? # Vinchenti Blasgo something writer of the four Sailor , not an officer . # No right I've done all I can , you can finish it off . # I'm still cold ! # Well you can do it . # We'll get hot . # No ! # He wrote the Four Gentlemen and a # Ah these are disgusting ! # those # What ? # Ah people might like them . # You're not wrong no I've done some before , urgh ! # Yeah a lot of people will your Mum might Nigel Kennedy , look at the Aston Villa club shots . # Football is the unifying part of my life , it is of equal importance to the music # I love anything , claret and bu blue he's a Senior Vice President of the club and he's got Aston Villa boxer shorts and Aston Villa pyjamas on one visit # to the shop he spent four hundred pounds . # Nigel Kennedy's been known to spend more than an hour in the shop after a game , on one visit he spent four hundred pounds . # The shop sold Aston Villa t-shirts , sweatshirts and slippers to bikes , Nigel has examples of most . # It's got a bit serious he admits , I've got the logo on my . # My girlfriend's a Villa fan but isn't always happy about it especially when I suggested painting the bedroom claret and blue . # His violin case which houses the seventeen thirty f # They're disgusting ! # They're # Kevin # there's two of those , so throw them both away there's two of them . # Wooh ! # You I haven't , I just opened them . # Put bigger ones # in there . # Yep . # Behind the chair . # Ooh ! # I'm so cold . # These Paul I'm supposed to be writing all . # Twiglets ? # Take some Anadin Paul here's a couple of Anadin feel better , honest Paul . # Why ? # Oh what ? # Paracetamol . # It's all football where's that one then ? # That's all I got . # Mm . # Ordinary Anadin won't make you sick . # Does say , doesn't it forgotten where the was . # Boursin . # It can last for so long people # the mind boggles . # Put it on the hall stand please . # besides the fact that I've got a headache . # Yes your father's got a plan . # We'll eat # fairly soon # Mhm . # If we let we can # judge that Paul . # Well we'll see . # Mm I don't use them every day because they began to fray . # Don't # Oh what yeah , horrid innit ? # If you think another person did that to him . # What ? # No but someone had a crack at him . # There . # Yep put it them by the videos on one of the shelves . # I dunno probably my husband . # Erm dunno go and look and see what's on telly tonight . # Hasn't he taken ? # Daddy's going to watch it . # Rubbishy magazine . # That's a pretzel glass isn't it ? # Kevin why did you give Michelle that glass cos I didn't wash those glasses , I didn't wash those glasses . # Piece of metal in it . # checking that ! # No . # Did you Kev ? # I thought we were leaving Bill at home . # Yes please , yeah # Vodka # Yes . # Sorry ? # You're standing on my chair . # Move ! # I think you've caught him out . # No sometimes it sticks to you . # Accurate # yes . # I'm not very good at them Mum gave me that one it's been in quite good condition but # I mean look I've killed it # Mm from Croydon # Umbrella plant we call them . # Why ? # Oh . # Well I erm # from Beatons , Safeways , no thanks . # Sad about er Gary Lineker's baby . # It did work . # Do you know what my # mother does she was gonna let her # know her net curtains are all along her window , he had them in the front of the house and oh # Isn't it a shame Mum about Gary Lineker's baby . # But if I was you know you're not # cos he's friendly with Jose Carreras , the Barcelonian # Mm th that w one wonders , you see , because he he had a lot to do with Jose Carreras when he was ill and you wo # cos there is a school of thought that they can be a virus that starts it # Mm . # But it only strikes on two babies a year , two babies in England # Mm . # prognosis though # I would of thought so , hope so . # Yes but the prognosis of a baby at that age isn't good . # No . # Yes but she didn't have leukaemia so quickly . # Oh I thought # How do you know it isn't on ? # Oh I # washing up this morning washing up # er oh just a little bit . # That's Appletise # Yeah but wasn't it # They are really English words they erm I can't think of something now but I mean # Oh yes , did that at the beginning for for a long time . # Did you hear about say # ne next week on Sunday , the Danish Embassy # Pu our own Putney has been awarded the medal of honour , sixth highest medal of honour for erm services to the Danish industry and he's coming over and they're having a a caviar and champagne reception at the Danish Embassy and now the Queen of Denmark Queen Margarite is coming over . # They were going out for a west end meal in the evening . # Next , not this Monday , next Monday . # very funny ! # It's come back again , hasn't it ? # My , it's so weird now , I'm borrowing erm she's got a a a blue , no it's not a blue plaid it's not really a scarf , it's bigger than that # yeah , # which she got from Ireland # her Mum bought it for her er pure wool # it's electric blue , so I've got to wear the with . # But when I take , I can't wear that in the embassy because it will be too hot . # it's not smooth , it's not that I don't think it does . # I mean it's # Her mother gave it to her when she went over there # a bright blue and er I bought that # And Adrian bought me for my birthday erm # earrings the so I'm going to wear a pearl necklace and pearl earrings on # But when you get er to a certain I think you do tend to find a lot of the dressier clothes are in black . # No matter , what I mean why we all seem to wearing black , because they're # I'll finally accept it ,i the thing she is she got a green velvet suit from Ron and the lady said to her she said well will you be in Hello ,i she said I thought we'll be in Packaging News ! # A hundred and fifty people have been invited , but I don't know if all will be coming . # One bottle over . # It's warm . # Well my green oh and in French it's the colour of hope , promise ? # In England green is supposed to be an unlucky colour . # Mm . # Paul . # Could I have # Well no # they might sometimes I had mine done to me # when he # So we take her onto the # Yeah . # Right . # You're all in then # Dad ! # Oh . # What does that family look like ? # Have a bit of the dirge . # No she had , she had corgis . # You've got your new shoes on Mum , or those # Read it outside , the inside first , I think read # the outside first . # Oh yeah # I we I think the fire fighters used the white skirt tied the way it wa on my shoe # I was s dirty , mud all up my leg . # All the splashing over me ! # I # Oh yes , he finds her at erm # Yeah # Bailey # I like him it's # They didn't think , didn't think he could wait a week , # At least where he # Yeah . # good # No it's over . # I don't know . # Michael's really tired . # You won't understand it Paul , it's confidential . # What # the green earrings are mine , # and the then you can borrow or a # erm # And they come back # The Sunday after # Yes # Well Mutty had a green # dress # for her Silver Wedding celebration . # I Paul's for a lot of green and he's a # Paul's now # Maybe get so lucky . # Maybe us all thinking that it's sort of not quite smart and it's # She has to live like saint . # You'll come back next year and it'll still be in the box . # He's gonna make it . # He's going to put it on # Cream's on the table . # You'd of looked even funnier next to the six year old ! # Paul looked funny enough . # Well I wondered if he'd wa he'd gone out on the Nottingham cos I wondered what would happen to the mascot was he shot the mascot , after the the game ? # Hung , drawn and quartered . # Apparently some football teams won't let the fathers on the pitch . # If you do it for our side # they won't let the players . # Yes well # We had to take the photographs , he had to go on the pitch , didn't he ? # In the end people said actually it wouldn't be worth entering , yet # People who argue that in the league the lower the that's forty pounds , they must in # Well that's because I hadn't been in there and you can be # And the # Wouldn't mind about the , when yo , you know when you hear about being in it's huge try and gore him each player so they # Oh yes , but the actual , no # Well yeah , might have . # What the tall thin ones ? # Just # who's camera is it , Paul ? # Kevin . # How old is ? # He bought to go out . # Sam's own school really # Granddad # says he so I don't think he was being very practical # Must say # I think # Kevin I don't think I'll have it as whirly as that . # Just as well # No . # While they're finishing aren't you ? # and they apparently they look very to the wall . # Fine , is it alright now ? # Oh I don't know where it came from it's been a long time . # If they were new they'd be a in a packet . # We've fumigated them . # I always sound like that . # Well do you think we can have our pudding now ? # Ooh I need spoons . # Oh yes , # The pudding is erm hot Jam roly poly or and I used to say he's really going down it # Oh I'm pleased about that . # Actually be better # I don't think you know . # Now take it out let it join the bird table . # I think this is your lime , I'm drinking , Kevin # is there one # with lime in one ? # I have got lemonade in it . # Yes . # Dessert # The light goes on # Yeah . # You can take a picture now . # Mm . # Yeah . # He's got one Adrian , now ask him if he can find it ! # You'll need # This flat erm # with Zoe . # Oh . # No # No we won't have the right drill bit ! # laugh innit ? # I bought you all we've got . # The # What about Aim Hemslow No ? # Well Michael , what did you # say about my fruit salad ? # Why can't it be purple ! # Should be enough left over to push your face into Michael ! # You just said well the fruit salad . # Go and get the sweets . # Grapes , smelly black banana # Paw paw . # Mhm . # Sofia . # Sofia , is Bul # Bulgaria # I don't know # No it's not Mother Theresa , it's Saint Theresa . # It's alright you're off on Wednesday you can do it then . # Just leave it like that . # Yeah do you think at the moment you could take it all back out again , then ? # No # on the back wall by the tap ! # Do you know that Adrian that in this # house , we don't use # an electric drill in this house any more cos the handle's # I think we'll go in . # I didn't intend it to be purple . # There's half a cabbage # Cabbage # I was certainly out of it . # I was saying to # than they had left . # Like # poison # deadly nightshade is # They've never had to survive long # sleeping like that . # And if he's not had # Eric . # What makes you think # she's from # Yugoslavia ? # Kevin . # Did you get that ? # I'll be a good girl , I won't # more careful with him . # Yes , big ! # I was so pleased # Well there's something wrong with the washing machine I got the # and then # take away and # Given up now , I buy ready made . # Yes . # I might be getting a barbecue with # I can't even get # you see and then later we're coming on . # apart . # Or # It's actually very nice . # fruit salad . # It's # The texture of it's really nice # Mousse . # Doesn't agree with me . # You haven't got the hole there to put your head in at the moment then ? # Well he's all on his own . # Where ? # Any more coffees ? # Did you have some done ? # Coffee ? # Coffee Dad ? # Coffee ? # Oh yes I did . # It's very nice , thanks # the trees . # Do you want coffee Paul ? # Well she gave us twenty tapes and she said # we she'd like at least ten # but she le left us twenty . # Well cos that's how many they want from each person . # I don't know Michael . # For this for listening to . # Well # well yes # and a lot of words that people # do use aren't obviously # in dictionaries . # Anybody heard of the word lary ? # That's in no dictionary how do you spell it and what does it mean ? # to the teacher . # all of my children # But lary meant in a # in our time lary meant someone's wearing a sort of bright green an # pink # in time you'd say that was a lar # Cheek ? # No I said to # find it in the dictionary I'll give you five pounds . # Well it's not in any dictionary that we can find # and yet everybody knew i , all the children from work go # don't be so lary , # It's well in from the sixties . # Yeah . # Like gutty . # yet . # Yeah John's at work . # It's a word . # It means # the things that we used to use as verbs , they use as nouns I think I must # nouns are part of your Michael . # Yes . # And this woman had apparently # That's really really common ! # Can you imagine the people who'll get paid to sort out that lot millions , I mean , probably millions of tapes will be made . # Imagine the poor chap # ! # we had two weirdest people , we had two # and # we were nearly under the table # it was a terrible and all of a sudden this man said , I'll be jiggered ! # Then she went right # under the table , so Karen's trying not to giggle # and I was probably alright , until she kicked me under the table Paul ! # This man said to her , this wife , we assume # er # we have to get the give and take blend just right , so it sounded like a coffee ! # And the conversation was really funny . # Sainsbury's . # Oh do you want one ? # last year but I couldn't # Do you like them ? # Course you can # Yes Michael , no # ! # Can I have a look # at the birthday ? # for Michael's birthday . # I haven't got enough for your birthday . # No . # Ladies and Gentlemen Kevin says would you please move cos these are all teams for this afternoon . # The reason why teams have only # two members , Karen and Andrew , is because Kevin says that you two are so clever # and he said , you would be bound to win # that puts the kiss of death on the # So Andrew , Kevin and Karen are together so that's alright , then it's Michelle and Mutty and Paul and it's Nana and Adrian , my brother's # Papa , me and Lisa . # And the star prize is the whole of three Ferrero Rocher . # Cos I'm on a diet anyway . # So I'm gonna # try and get a packet and half of each . # We'll be alright , won't we ? # And the quiz is nothing to do with me . # We , no Kevin's not actually in this quiz # No he's the quiz master , he made it up . # I mean , really hard ! # Because they'd know . # And then # know every single person in the picture . # Well I think I do . # If you need the break # Well Michael's gotta go and sit with his team over there . # No Po po Papa but I said # Alright # Yeah alright . # Michael . # There you are . # quiz masters can go over there then . # Right there you are how's that ? # Yeah . # I'll go here . # And Lisa can sit in the middle on the # on the . # Are we being recorded ? # Where's ours , where's our Sony ? # Oh up there . # Don't walk off with it will you ! # Four # You divided them . # Next ! # Right , cos # Politicians , I haven't a clue , why did you fill it up with politicians , for goodness sake ! # Yeah , # that's the easiest one on the sheet ! # Yeah but we've only got two ! # Yeah , well Kevin was right then , wasn't he ? # We give up , we haven't got a blinking clue ! # Few more minutes Wouldn't matter if we had minutes , Kev . # Can't do any of them . # Hardly done any of them , got about five . # Yeah but ten of them are ! # Ah ? # I should think you'd have easy done better than # Oh I knew that one straight away . # Do you get two points for a totally correct answer an # No wait till we get # Isn't it , it is . # We've got Dicken's character . # Alec Guinness ! # No , do you get for a Dicken's character ? # We could of got Fagin as well , couldn't we ? # His mos his other real name is Ron something # Is it Ron something ? # Don , Ron # Ah that's it ! # No we don't . # Get two something # No you can have the name of the # Yeah ! # Tom Jones . # Because we got the right name ! # Ooh , you rotter ! # The next one . # Richard Dreyfuss . # do I get one ? # Karen said it's a man in Always . # the film Always , # Is it one or two for Richard Dreyfuss then , anyone ? # Do you think we could have his name ! # He is a rabbi # He is a rabbi . # Can we # an American comedian on the Variety show ? # American chat show host . # Yeah . # He's American . # Then American . # Yes ? # I don't know yet . # Yeah . # So can we have tick tack man ? # Jack Nicholson not John Nicholson ! # I said that . # Can we have one , for if he looks as though he's straining ? # Oh we wouldn't get two for Tom Jones ! # And he got Jack Nicholson # Excuse me ! # Why can't # we have two for Tom Jones ? # I can't see that ! # One for Russian ? # Russian isn't it ? # Oh , we got that . # Hard luck if you didn't know that . # How many points for Angela Rippon ? # How many points for Angela Rippon ? # Cor one ! # Ken Maxwell . # No it's Kevin Maxwell # You only get one , we got two ! # He's the son of , Maxwell's son . # Like what ? # Chelsea # Who was the # football . # Chelsea football # No # Yeah , we got magic and the # Rupert # Oh , come off it # They should of been all out in teams . # Fourteen and a half . # Ah well we had , you had we had that , that bloke Americans , so we got half a point . # I can't remember the name of the third wise man . # Right . # That's for watching too much # It cost a hundred and sixty five quid # We've got those at work and they're like # They've got them at work like that and they were about nearly three hundred pounds new # Yeah . # It's an action . # Washing . # Bathing . # Oozing . # Shaving . # Scraping # Walking er an old man with a walking stick . # Ageing . # Wrinkling , geriatric-ing . # Three ages of man . # Seven ages of man . # Old age . # No ! # Maturing . # being rude . # One two three four five # No . # I'm going now . # no just me . # Yeah . # Ready ? # Yeah it looks difficult but # Mhm . # Mm . # Mhm . # Mm mm # Yes . # Yeah you just said it . # Front page . # No . # What do you mean ? # I had already taken this out . # Yes but this is where we're taking them from and we're putting them in here . # Butterfly crocodile alligator . # Well that's handy . # That was easy peasy . # Well we're catching up a bit . # Two , one two . # My turn to draw . # Actions . # You don't . # You put that one back . # It's me that takes . # No . # It's a brown one . # Shh . # Thank you . # D . # Black arrow ? # it's a green one anyway , and you can # I thought it was blue . # That's what it's got # Green , sorry . # Go on then . # it's here , sorry . # It's here anyway . # It's this one ! # Paul , we don't . # It's a difficult one . # Speaking # two words hot air # He says it's two words . # It's a hyphen is it ? # It's a hyphenated word . # Loud- mouth # Sick . # Stomach upset . # You can't blame me for that . # Nausea indigestion . # Hot air . # Puke . # Have you seen what he's drawn ? # Hot air . # Stomach contents . # I tried # What ? # Why did you say it was two words ? # What has this got to do with comedy ? # No you don't roll the dice . # You pick a card . # It's an action . # Not a thing . # It's a frog . # Three legged frog . # Oh it's gone , it's gone . # I would have done two doors I think , someone knocking on a door and but I don't think anyone would have got it . # Your turn . # Are you drawing Eric ? # You're on a A P play . # Yeah . # About time you did # you were so rude about mine . # What colour ? # Red . # Give it to Andrew . # Newt . # That's the sign of the fish . # It's your turn again . # It's your turn again . # drawing . # Paul's drawing . # All play again . # Yeah . # You're not allowed to do symbols # You're not allowed to do symbols . # What is it ? # What's the hatch symbol ? # Oh . # I thought you weren't allowed # I didn't see it . # I didn't see it . # I didn't see it ! # Why would I lie ? # Right . # Go . # How many words mm # One . # Very good . # No you're green . # Oh yes # Church , steeple # Steeple . # One word . # a line , two lines , three lines , a text . # Erm lift erm yeah but # Building . # Rising . # Brick , brick laying , erm steps # going up some steps . # Making steps . # Erm # Money . # Perhaps think of it as an action then . # I don't know what that is . # Your turn Eric # and it's all play , and it's your turn . # All play . # seen it . # have to be him . # Caravan . # Meandering . # Winding . # Carbon monoxide . # What was it ? # I did . # I said carbon monoxide . # Cos I was getting yours ! # Aren't you my partners . # Has it got a black arrow ? # Okay , now . # One word . # Brown . # It's an action # Eric . # It's an all play . # Oh no , Joy . # Pass it on . # It's all play . # Come on hurry up , I'm ready . # Turn it over . # Yes he has . # Quick . # Okay ? # Quick . # Yes . # Six legs is six legs . # Very well done . # You don't all have a go on this one . # Mm . # What's the point ? # Alright . # I can't draw that . # Every day you come home stockmarket # No yours all go down . # go right down . # Do you know the share he bought for ten p each last week went down to three and a half pence each . # Would you believe it ? # Action . # Oh it's a it's a long one . # Your turn . # Eric . # Brown . # Well we could play the tape back . # We can see who got it first # Alright . # Do another brown then . # Whatever the brown one is on this # whatever the brown one is you do it . # Tap . # Hangman's noose . # Drop . # What did you draw for that ? # Looks like a hangman's scaffold . # It's my turn to draw . # Brown . # Action . # Go . # Wait . # Go . # Not if you're winning you don't get five seconds . # It's not difficult . # One two three four # Perhaps we'll catch up . # We caught up when # I doubt it . # It's an object . # That's red . # No it's blue . # That's not a walkie talkie that's a walkie talkie . # Anyway they get a go now . # Surely they won so they ? # Right . # There you are . # So why is there no advantage to them to have guessed walkie talkie ? # It's just bad luck that you happen to be stuck on . # All play . # All play . # Ready go . # Collar . # Neck . # Tie . # Brooch . # Collar . # Necktie . # Bow tie . # Long necked . # Polo neck . # I don't throw the dice do I ? # Right so we're on there # Everybody does this one . # Do you wanna take a card out ? # brown # Right . # Red now . # I don't think they should be allowed that . # It was erupt . # And as you are winning by so much I think we should # Depends whether you're winning by half a board or not . . # Yeah . # Alright . # Go on then . # Your turn . # Blue . # What ? # Do you mean you want to change the rule ? # That's right . # Yes . # And you have another go . # Yeah ? # I tell you what , you can have two rolls of the dice . # Give them the dice . # Right . # And another . # It isn't it's five # your go you have to pick a blue . # Who's drawing ? # No . # You haven't got a blue . # You to draw . # Michelle to draw . # It's not all play . # A Andy's got it's just a blue one . # are you on your own ? # Yeah . # Blue with an arrow # No you don't roll it . # You haven't got control . # We won that eruption . # But it was their go # so you haven't got control . # Because it was an all play , for them . # Yeah . # Give it to Joy . # Who's drawing ? # Right . # Blue . # No , turn it down . # What on earth is that ? # Shadow . # What is it , an object ? # Reflection . # Chess . # So you got it so you throw . # Right . # They don't go . # Right . # Go . # Oh that's easy . # Oh yes . # Doddle . # Right you throw the dice again . # All play . # Quite easily . # No . # Turn it over . # in the drawer . # Wait a minute . # Right it's all play and it's your turn to draw . # Have you seen it ? # It's all play . # Red . # Ready # Dropping . # Dead . # Graveyard . # Crematorium . # Mortuary . # There's no man . # You have to have a # I think you might win this time . # Oh no you there's problems at the end winning aren't there ? # You've got to win on a # Who's drawing ? # Is it all play ? # Hang on . # I haven't # No we haven't seen it . # I don't think there's any worry of that . # Yeah . # Three or more . # It's all play . # Pass it on . # Heraldry . # Filter . # liquid ? # Transfusion . # Evaporation . # Is it a country ? # Fight . # Are both the words the same ? # Oh . # got it # swap over . # What happens now do we try the next all play ? # Oh . # It's an all play . # It's your turn and if they all play then we all play . # I dunno , has it got an arrow on it ? # D O , the blue one ? # Well ! # It's cos you're so thick ! # Right . # U U is A . # No . # Brown . # What is it ? # Piano # Er it's an action . # I'd have done it with an aeroplane but # Right . # It's your turn again . # It's an all play . # It's a red one . # Yeah . # Run out . # And you missed your go so it's Eric . # Blue . # you're on your own . # Good chance to catch up . # Ready , go . # Blue . # They won't get it . # It's an object . # Blue . # It's an object . # Don't well I suppose you can help them , yeah . # No ! # No . # What ? # For action # Ready steady go . # word with ing on the end . # Rippling . # Thank you . # Your go . # sixteen . # My turn to draw # Difficult . # And we're on our own . # Ready steady go . # It's a # Not quite . # No , not quite . # Easy . # Eric , # He did . # Oh your mum's # Tunisia I would have got it . # But I didn't think of it . # Well so was Mutty . # Thank goodness we didn't put Michael with them . # Well I was , unfortunately he didn't really balance it up enough did he ? # No , I didn't . # Yeah . # By a long , quite a long way though . # ? # Right , tape seven . # Freely admit I'm hopeless . # Couldn't people put cocktail sticks in the bin . # I've come across cocktail sticks all night . # Not from me . # Might have got er # but not a present . # Something from # my sister . # Paul . # I don't know what's been spilt on here . # Ugh something disgusting . # Got it at # Weeks # Soon as I got paid last month . # Awfully difficult to get it in the car wasn't it ? # It was much bigger than I thought it would be . # Can you dry the inside of that for me ? # Both sides of that . # That has to dry before it gets # I didn't know it was the duvet duvet . # Well bring it down and put it in the wash now then . # The whole duvet or the cover or what ? # Well I'd better put the duvet in the wash then . # Well it'll be wet . # What has he spilt ? # I think those are the new extra life . # I think they're both dead . # It wasn't coke ? # lemonade base . # Bring me the duvet # Bring me the duvet and let's have a look at it . # Where did we buy this ? # The glass is chipped . # Is it off ? # it's dirty but # You bought me both those within the budget ? # What ? # No , what ? # Whose ? # Grandma and grandpa ? # Nothing . # That means number three's got party . # Num number number three he's got a party . # Number three at eight thirty . # No it doesn't matter , I'll take Paul . # Monday Tuesday Wednesday are free . # Next weekend . # He was shoved down the steps . # Palace fans . # He was . # Very very rough he said . # He was standing with a whole load of Palace supporters . # They both did . # Anyway # not pleased . # Well # Think he was quite cross . # No . # Pushed them downstairs , pushed them both downstairs . # Mm . # during the game . # It was probably after wasn't it ? # Moira said she didn't tell me all of it but Moira said he was very upset . # Peter said it was a good game when they came home and found that Woking had won five nil they thought they'd chosen the wrong one . # Peter . # You going to football tomorrow night ? # Oh . # Homework . # Homework . # Are we being recorded ? # Paul , have you done your homework ? # Go on , have some flan . # Oh go on . # Oh Paul ! # Have some rice then . # Have some rice then . # There's white rice in the other bowl . # Mhm . # Not really . # He said got very nasty when they scored two goals within two minutes around # Can you explain the other one to me ? # Least mine's explicable . # Do you understand it ? # Do you understand it ? # What ? # But it said do no . # What that doesn't make sense . # What ? # Look , there's three minutes to go before the news . # Does this mean we didn't get the whole of London's Burning ? # Is he ? # Did he die ? # I bet you're not . # Oh yeah . # Let's have a bit . # It's all about American poets . # Tell me any American poet you know . # He's not American is he ? # Is Brian Patten American ? # What about one Eric something . # What's an anagram of times to ? # T I M E S T O . # What's a religious container ? # One word , eleven letters . # Take it away from me . # Name a game with four letters ending in O . # Polo ? # Yeah I know but it says game for a change . # It's game for a change . # That's not a game ! # No . # Game for a change . # Might be an anagram of for a . # Faro , look up F A R O . # Look up F A R O . # What country's that Kevin ? # Doesn't look like Italy . # Thank you . # Faro . # Ridiculous ! # We're having a whole day next term to sort out testing for the eleven year olds . # Which is a total waste of time cos they'll rewrite it all in a year's time . # Oh thank you Paul . # Do you want this lunch then Paul ? # You don't want it ? # Paul . # Do you want christmas lunch ? # One pound eighty five , do you want it ? # That's illiterate . # The cost is not one pound eighty five pence . # The cost is one pound eighty five . # Do you want it ? # Turkey , quiche or packed lunch . # You'll have turkey won't you ? # Turkey with all the trimmings ? # Yeah ? # Good . # No . # I don't know . # What form are you in ? # There's no money in my purse . # Has anyone got any change ? # Yeah . # Well , by Friday . # You have to be joking . # Right . # Have you got any money ? # What to play rugby ? # Kevin . # Paul was personally asked if he wanted to join a rugby club . # # Have you got any idea what he's talking about ? # Paul , was this in your lunch hour or in P E ? # Are you allowed to laugh in your P E lessons ? # Sorry , no ! # Anybody less suited to play rugby , Paul , is hard to imagine . # What's the old country , Kevin ? # What's the old country ? # Talk about the old country , what is it ? # Anything . # The old country , you know . # When people say old the old country . # Is it England ? # What were you meant to do ? # Name some types of leather ? # More . # More . # More . # What's raw fish ? # They're not , they're cryptic clues . # Who wrote Leaves of ? # that word ? # Get your homework done Paul please . # Oh I don't think it is . # Well you can't have it . # Paul ! # You can't have it . # You work on that table . # Put that table like , hang on to that no , sit up at that table . # Just do as you're told . # Do as you're told . # No . # No . # What ? # Blimey . # You don't think of your children to do something like that do you ? # on tranquillisers because the balance of your mind is disturbed . # Is that the bit of the body I think it is ? # Well shall we just see that again ? # Well you're not really . # It's up to you . # Paulie always slept on his front and he's alive to tell the tale unfortunately . # Do you know any American poets ? # No . # What's that ? # A squared which is two times two equals four . # That's two times two times two . # Yeah . # If you're at football tonight can't do any recording tomorrow night or will you record on the way again ? # Well I can't see the television . # Why did you move the chair back where I left it ? # You moved the chair . # Go on . # Six four . # Are you allowed to transact business at the door Paul ? # What are you doing ? # Yeah . # Oh aren't you going to do section G ? # Well it won't hurt # you to do section G . # It won't hurt you to do G . # Well will it matter if you do G ? # I don't really know . # I don't really know . # It'll do you good to do G . # If they're pipsqueak why are you asking me ? # No it doesn't . # Two times A cubed . # What's A cubed ? # It's eight , so it's sixteen . # Yeah that's what I already said . # Don't forget # Two B squared C ? # Show me . # What G seven ? # Two B squared C . # Well what's C ? # B , you do the square bit first . # B squared . # Right . # Times two . # Times C . # Eighteen times C . # Times two . # Mm . # Come on Paul . # Get it done . # You're supposed to be sitting up at the table . # That's what the table's there for . # You do the A squared bit first . # Four . # Times four . # Times C . # Mm . # What are horse's odds Kevin ? # What are horse's odds ? # Mm . # Well what could they be in letters ? # Evens ? # What is it ? # I haven't got a penny in my purse . # Who's it for ? # Effective isn't it ? # Yeah it's Round Table for the old people . # Bit early I agree but # go out stop it again Paul . # I asked you for your one pound eighty five and you said no . # You pay , I'll pay you back . # paper I can have Paulie ? # Yes . # Yes . # What's B ? # Well it's twelve plus twelve . # so American poets . # It isn't Eric . # It's E something L something . # Doesn't fit ! # What's colloquial for greens ? # three letters . # What is it G A B A V E ? # Golf , what do you play on ? # Golf # course # tee . # What's minus twelve ? # Surely it's forty eight times sixty . # Is it M A and U minus twelve ? # Four fours are sixteen . # Sixteen fours are sixty four . # You asked me what sixteen threes are . # He's a dreadful actor isn't he ? # Well # Well yes . # Yeah . # It's a crummy part isn't it ? # Well I don't think we want to see that do we ? # Oh ! # Yeah . # Yeeeow . # Yeeeow . # It's the same thing over again on two . # Yeeeow . # And again yeeeow . # Four times . # That's the end . # Oh dear . # Ooh . # Aren't you a bit early for chrissy decorations isn't it ?our tree when send for it . # Made eight hundred and fifty quid on Saturday . # Hundred down . # Joyce said their fare was a hundred down as well . # We made eight fifty that's a hundred down but Joyce said their fare was a hundred down as well . # The people who used to get a thousand aren't quite getting a thousand any more . # Three M squared U ? # M squared first M squared first ! # Except his cop badge . # Three squared is nine . # Nine threes are twenty seven . # What's U ? # Twenty seven fives ? # What's the problem then ? # Can someone please tell me the names of some American poets ! # Might be . # What is a fabled being ? # A unicorn , what else ?a fabled being . # Ugh ! # with a stick ? # I've never got so I've never not got so far with this crossword . # Beware of an expensive imitation . # Daddy can't do algebra . # What ! # What's R ? # You're not concentrating at all Paul are you ? # Why don't you do it on a calculator ? # Well who's gonna know ! # What ? # Morals . # You said it's against my something else didn't you ? # Post in spell ? # Holsten pils . # Stupid advert . # Pils ! # It is pils . # You say # can I have a pils when you go . # No , but you have . # What's wrong ? # What goes on water ? # Going on water they must stage a . # What's another word for a brawl ? # Motteose # I dunno . # Times to find character in brawls . # I think it might be an anagram of times to . # I'm writing it down . # Or perhaps it's in brawls and means . # What's the sound of nails ? # What are burdens ? # What is a burden ? # Three letters . # He's in London's Burning . # Him . # Dunno but he is . # He's the one who's just had a breakdown . # That man with a beard has just had a breakdown in London's Burning . # Yeah with the beard off . # I can't rewind it . # He's got a beard on , he's different , looks different with a beard on . # She's pregnant . # Give me a first name that begins with R and ends in an H . # Yes . # No . # Nor do I . # Give me a three letter word for a . # Give me a type of weapon . # Seven . # It's longer . # I want a fabled being . # Fabled being . # A mythical creature . # Yeah . # It means four times P times Q times R . # Do it for him then . # Dot ? # Queens Park Rangers . # That's like saying six bananas times four apples . # You can't do it . # You can't . # You can't multiply four bananas by six apples . # Because they're different units . # They're not actual things . # I can't do this crossword because I don't know any American poets . # Well what's that ? # What's colloquialism for the green party ? # Have they got any initials ? # I thought see him . # about the school . # Well , it's because it's a waste of time stopping him going to see them , if that doesn't work you don't keep doing it do you ? # He didn't even know did he ? # the Rumbelows cup , I said you said that without when they don't win the league you say ah , its only the league . # Yeah , and the , that's ever been made to have one # but Paul doesn't agree . # Seems to me like he saved it . # Oh . # eating . # Paul just eat . # Oh ,thank you treasure when you've finished your milk Paul you can have the paper back . # Have we seen it ? # Eight o'clock I'll record it for you , you are watching it ? # Yes , your right # I think I might of done # Tom Banks and some twelve year old in a thirty five year old body anyway you are not watching it because you are going to bed eight o'clock , is that not right daddy ? # What time did you get in last night ? # Is it necessary to be so rude Paul ? # the Rumbelows cup , I said you said that without when they don't win the league you say ah , its only the league . # Yeah , and the , that's ever been made to have one # You heard about the eh education secretary's faux pas somebody from Jack section , he , he's apparently he slipped up er , and said right and Jack said to him I was to tell the education authorities suggest that you do when the education er clerk turn to Mr and said you are just ,streaming is when he put one child in the same group for all subjects , setting is when there in different groups according to their ability , so you could be a Maths set A or an English set B , awkward isn't it ? # Yeah # Yeah , funny but he had to shout # you are just playing with the # No , you've been streamed , oh no you've been are on different groups then ? , have you got a photo of them in the top set for something and the bottom set for # Are they ? # it's strictly speaking streaming is when Paul would be in the top group for everything not necessarily , I mean settings better really it's important # if he can do it , ain't that awful education then ? # No I think he generally thought they were the same thing , I think I would of done if I wasn't an educationalist , but I mean it's his business to know really isn't it ? # Words , she's playing with words . # No , quite . # Well streaming's easier , the completion # Well John # cos John just phoned up by three hundred pounds . # Yeah , but we can't afford that , says he might have to loose staff # I'm not . # I'm not permanent # I'm not permanent . # What , er , Vicky and that have got temporary contracts , Moira's got a temporary contract # No , I would say I want the same school , you can do with me what you like , Paul I suggest you don't throw that away before I loose my temper with you . # You can't , you have to , people with temporary contracts have to first # Yeah and he got I think . # Are you look how much he's eaten . # I don't need to be , # No , no # Yeah # Yeah . # Yeah # I've got a permanent contract , I'm safe until September ninety two then my job doesn't exist any more , then I'm not # Offer me what job ? # Yeah # I've got two years # Yeah , she's permanent # The only reason is because my year vanishes # in two years time my year doesn't exist any more # I could be , yes , # I was given two year option in the first place , so so # moved down # well he does really . # Yes , but a lot of people refuse to move down one . # No one wants to move down one . # Oh I won't . # I don't mind teaching one year though , but nobody else wants to move down , I move down and Liz moves down that's this places Jo erm , Jan they won't want to move down , they move down that the next two , they don't wanna move , Terry doesn't want to go down any lower # You should of seen he has decorated the school , I said # you really like Christmas don't you John ? , he said yes , the hall way you cannot move in the hall way , it is dripping with decorations , right , # the phone goes this morning , hop of Daisy , goes to answer it , Santa's Grotto he says , a member of the public phoning to say that they found a child's bag in the high street . # What ? # What do you do with a man like that ? # he's in Murphy's decorating shop # He's been doing it for twenty years # Well , I tell you something all the children in my class have got perfect as near as your gonna get . # He just hasn't got a clue , apparently he said last night he never thought it would be so hard , he had a confession with Liz or something , never thought it would be so hard and he's really struggled this year , really , really hard work , nothing like being a deputy which to me he's an idiot if he didn't know that , he's feeling guilty about the phone bill , but hasn't got any money at all for anything # Yeah # yeah # He just can't manage money , full stop . # Yeah , but # What ? # Paul # The books have been stolen at the rate of twenty or thirty a day . # Look at the shelves # Yes , he came into the hall the other day and he tipped out # he tipped out a pile of library tickets onto the thing and it was , it was a , it was , must of been , it was hundreds # And he said this is a month , this was a month after the end of term ,this , can't find books for any of these tickets , they're not in any children's # No . # They're not found in the library , all the loose tickets , a mountain of them , surely you just take the tickets out and shut the book . # household # yeah # yeah # Well , we've tried . # When a child came in this morning , the one I , that we accused of taking that out , he said he didn't take it , I went on and on and on , he said he didn't take it , I said I want a letter from your father to say that you bought it then , that doesn't mean anything , the father could lie . # What can you do ? # You can't prove they did it # Why you're doing this Christmas , it may be my last , John said what do you mean , I said well , I don't know if I'm going to be in a classroom this time next year , I mean , I really enjoy Christmas with the children , fifteen years since I've done it , I've forgotten how I enjoyed myself . # Why ? # Yeah , yeah # typing on them ? # What will it be able to tell you then ? # What Mr leave at junction forty # Gosh , posh , cosh , cough , have you seen this headline ? gosh , posh , cosh , cough # Have you seen this Paul ? , gosh , posh , cosh , cough # your pathetic , and what do these make it , cough # Come on hurry up , homework . # It doesn't make sense , does it ? # Hey , can you speak any Italian yet ? # Go on then . # Have you got your Italianers your father says , you should have a text book called El Italianer . # There's not much of an is it Italian ? # What does that mean ? # Bon acerous you say anything else ? # What does that mean ? # School # School . # It doesn't sound simple . # Means girls . # Boys and girls . # is girl and is girl # Is that # Oh what a very useful thing to know cos your not likely to go to live there # See this picture in the centre court , did you see that ? # Brilliant isn't it ? # No # No more umbrellas . # These papers are the same aren't they , exactly the same stuff in them . # Huh , just surprise it wasn't eighty per cent # Oh , maybe # I don't get any free time off you see , cos Jenny goes to Australia on Monday . # She only had two weeks from her free time . # and she's off for eleven full days and John could only afford to supply the three of them . # She's off for eleven school days and John can only pay for supplies for three of them . # Nothing , you went out to football . # Oh I had flan , you had nothing don't you dare get me into trouble because had nothing to eat . # O couldn't really be nothing . # What about the eight packets of crisps you've had ? # I expect so . # I had flan on Monday night , daddy had nothing you had cheese # Posh , nosh # Yeah # there's one Caffitino left , I'll have it in a mug , as full as possible # This is full ? # Yeah # Mm , I saw that # It's lovely I've tried # It's not very full . # I know . # I drank my last orange one in school , chocolate and coconut # Yep . # Who ? # Oh yeah . # There's only one light , a bit naught , it's # not right is it ? # When you said them all to # Yeah , I've already read that book this morning song , I lovely Christmas book , only two twenty five and er . # Right eat up some of this salad I'm only on some # . # You thinking of a special occasion ? # Right , what do you want , spritzer or # Paul what do you want to drink ? # There's not enough room to # Some of those dishes need to go up here . # Pass them to me I'll do it now , some of those fruit dishes , there's not enough room there for the glasses , I like them then I'll take them . # Right , while we . # Well I might call in there . # You've got some great # No , you've got some er grapefruit to drink up # I ought to cancel the milk tomorrow . # Oh I chucked that . # So much # I gotta make a dozen mince pies for the , she said can you make a dozen mince for the , I said no Sheila , she said pardon , I said no , I said I'd buy twelve I will not make twelve , so after that she's , then went round everybody could make twelve mince pies ,it's a bit of a nerve isn't it ? , seems a bit of a nerve asking us to buy the wool and make # Ah , typical # We've only got # no , that's yours and # Local firm designing twenty five warning signs . # Rochelle and Company , # No , . # They confirmed to make up to a thousand different messages You know that Chinese shop in Woking ? # Three of them . # Mm . # Ah , Twickenham , Norton . # Too many . # to me # Homework . # What merit points ? # You're two behind Laura # He and Heather , Laura # What for ? # What for ? # Did any one correct your spellings ? # I told you . # Paul , do you think you could start loaning this directly in the whole article about loneliness ? # Loneliness , loneliness is a state of mind . # Oh Paul you've spelt your wrong , didn't anybody correct it ? # He's spelt longliness # and your , Y O U R apostrophe E good use of alliteration . # Tommy tarantula had torn his tattered trousers to threads before his terrible teeth consisted of tea , toast and trifle and some tapioca followed by T-bone steak , plus a round of # Tandoori takeaway , yeah the teacher spelt , good writing . # Why some of these underlined in red Paul ? # Why some of these words underlined in red ? # No you didn't . # Takeaway , toast , # toast # It's not there though . # Well I wish they'd correct your spelling . # Say that was good ? # Oh Paul whose w W H O apostrophe S , that's dreadful whose # Yeah , she corrected it . # Why don't you # Oh Paul , oh Paul , oh ,then the mother unfortunately deceased what on earth does that mean ? # well , deceased is having died , not died you mean die , unfortunately die # I can remember quite # far back in my life so I can recall my first piece of actual writing , I have a scrapbook at home and I look at it regularly , it had my first pieces of work in it , I usually drew pictures and then wrote things , my first piece was on A four and I have drawn a table , my mum and myself , I was holding a , I wrote one sentence and it was surprisingly literate this is what I wrote , it is my party and I wait for my friends to come , I did many pieces of work # like that and eventually with the help of my mum I could join sentences together to make a real piece of writing . # My first page of writing was about Bluebell Railway where we used to go with my brothers and ride on the sea bed have you seen this Kevin ? # I wrote one sentence and it was surprisingly literate all you need is to do something about your spelling # Right , homework Thursday design a drama . # Well it doesn't mean you don't have to do it . # Why aren't you suppose to find out ? # What did you do in Miss ? # Well you're trying to say you haven't got any homework ? # We don't want number three now . # You know all the adverts off by heart # There's a woman here called Miss , who had a baby in Asda , she's called her daughter Danielle Elizabeth Asda # I can't see # The woman in what ? # You mean the hostage . # Well most of the ten year olds in my class can speak reasonably . # Didn't , one of those hostages had suffered brain damage from the # Well # cos he was thrown against the wall and hit a mole on his head or something and it caused a bruise and it has actually damaged his brain . # I think there's brain damage and brain damage but # Yes . # Not me . # for # Her # Mm . # Mm . # Mm . # Mm . # Silegions . # Mm . # Mm . # Mm . # Mm , mm . # Mm , that's the . # Mm . # Don't know , Simon's mother teachers at Guildford County . # Park Vile is a school for disabled children in Guildford , Maread # and Mohammed's gonna go there # That's the only one I don't know Oh that would never do would it ? # I don't think at all . # Why is it called mange tout Paul ? # What does mange tout mean ? # No why are mange tout peas called mange tout ? # No . # Mange tout , your french mange means # tout means # everything , all , mange tout , eat all , that's why it's called mange tout cos he eats everything , and mange tout peas are called mange tout cos you eat the pods , twit # Say John the Baptist . # Cos I'm a musician . # St . John the Baptist . # I don't know crotchet . # Sounds like you # Dad's says Liverpool are winning # . # One of those tapes has got big on , leave it , # That's your football one isn't it ?that one's free now , your thinking of vice versa weren't we ? , when I was thinking of big , yeah # I was . # this bookline outlines these I have done some down in Wales , computer studies I have done most work well , I # I did these questions and # Cocky little what's it # you have to write down what you find difficult , I have found nothing very difficult Paul , now go and get the hoover # I have not found anything # In modern languages , C D T I have found nothing very difficult . # Drama , I have found nothing very difficult , music , I have not found very difficult . # Geography I have found nothing very difficult . # Computer studies Paul # From my point of view I have achieved quite a lot of those , I am very punctual and helpful . # If anyone has set me a test I have done very well especially in look , look at his , can't even sign his name # No , he wants her head . # Yeah , he's just putting on # No , he was a criminal # He's just come out of prison # evidence # It's very fattening . # Nine stone # I've finished reading it Paul # What happens to it now ? # She's reading , can I just finish reading it ? # Supposed to do it every turn ? # About time you did find something difficult really isn't it ? # Let me find you some # I will try to slant my handwriting to be more adult like , I will try to get many merit points , I will try to get at the top sets for every lesson you are in the top sets for every lesson do well in them , I want to carry on my good progress in the sports area , I do many sports now and I want to do more # been here # Mm . # Only about ten per cent of children # or maybe twenty per cent , ten per cent think they're better than the teacher thinks they are , ten per cent think that # eighty per cent are just exactly what you always thought , it's a waste of time writing it # Oh ha , ha she's to escape does he think she's tied up , does he ? # I'm going to the toy party # for half an hour and then I'm releasing Moira so she can go for half an hour , she's # She's # Come on you silly cow , oh he's run right into her path # Ha , she's had me panicking like mad oh planes going over # What ? # Little England isn't English , is it ? # No , because it's on the same time as Emmerdale . # No I won't , I like Emmerdale . # Nice oh , er , oh no , Sarah's got a cool head she won't panic , aha , ha , ha please let me go # What ? # Oh # Paul , homework , now # Sighed , tell you what Kevin you go and make a drink , I'll empty the tumbledryer and put the washing away , number one # Paul what have you got on ? # I'll call you a Pakistani , they wear three t-shirts , I said do you go to bed in them and then just leave them on the next morning put your school shirt on top ? # Er , Vicky says you are awful going er , I said that's what they do , they grunt at me like an animal I grunt back at them . # What , er # er , so I do it now , I get in first , I said have you done your homework er , who's a er , animals grunt Your magic box Kevin ? dearie # magic box watch my lips magic box . # Oh number one please # What are they now ?it's only paper money , what's it matter ? # That's not number two . # Intelligent people are never bored Miss Hall's nineteen forty three . # Intelligent people are never bored . # Miss Hall's nineteen forty three . # I think so , looks like the first one # accident at service cos he wants all year four holding # lighted candles # Hassan , all our naughty boys are called Hassan , sorry , I'll re-phrase that , all Hassan's in our school are naughty it's the equivalent of Jason the Pakistani equivalent of Jason # three and a half Kevin ,that was one of the worst investments you have ever made . # You put # Yes , but you've put twice as much money into it as your other investments . # Didn't you ? , sheer greed . # Gone down from ten pence to three and a half . # I mean that is embarrassing lost so much how much # What kind of things , I mean amongst people of your age , what are the kind of things that people might be involved ? # Getting bored . # gone down ? . # The Lord twenty years old , first part of # with countenance # What ? # Cordons # Tied up # God knows . # loud , noisy . # Something next to something # What ? # Not a word I would of thought it was worth finding out the meaning of . # Oh that's the way I work . # That's photocopied isn't it ? , are you studying that book ? # Paul are you studying that book in class ? # Darwin's theory on evolution does not mean for many Christians , no some Christians do not accept Darwin's theory of evolution . # do not accept Darwin's theory of evolution Darwin with a capital D and then apostrophe S theory # What's it mean ? # Oh witness needs a sworn affidavit # What ? # What's got ? # affidavit # Which is that ? # Can you ? # Yeah . # Yes Paul wonderful . # What do you normally , grades do you normally get for your English ? # I think work must be too easy then . # What is this I'm drinking , chocolate and almonds ? # I don't think it's chocolate coconut . # It's marvellous # , three cheers can I check it Paul ? # Evolution . # Non , # Impeccable . # I thought abutment had two t's affidavit . # Dastardly # Countenance # Cordon # Abutment # sibilant . # What Jason Donovan ? # Schofield's Europe # Yeah , he's brilliant ain't he ? , goes anywhere he wants # I just stop in your mother # That's old that # Bought that about eighteen months old that picture . # It is , you gave the coat away more than a year ago # What's that ? # what's that green track suit ? # I don't know who is he ? # I don't think it's Robbie # Well look at the sell buy date on the # Look at the mark on the sell by date on the # Well , # look at the sign of the packet , I think it's ninety one . # Oh , # he's Prime Minister . # Oh I thought he was dead a long time ago . # Didn't know he was still alive , # he's made more money you can make more money # That means it's at least a year old # At least a year ahead . # Guy sent it , gee look that's half a million quid . # Britain's smallest house is for sale at one and a half thousand pounds I'll buy it # Don't make sense really . # No # What about ? # Half past eight doesn't start till half past nine , blast I think I'll watch the telly at Moira's . #