#
And don't put your greasy little hands ha ? #
What are you doing here you cunt ? #
That's my dad you're talking about . #
Cor ! #
Look at that bum now ! #
You should relax #
Teacher ! #
Teacher ! #
Teacher ! #
Too late , he's mine . #

Yes I am . #
Yes I am . #
You're so thicky ! #
Oh like you're seeing Martin #
again ? #
Oh . #
Eh ? #
Oh . #
Oh my God ! #
It was so funny , I had this weird dream the other night , you know . #
I mean #
Oh yeah . #
It was . #
I got off with #
and it was #
nice though . #
It's erm , it was at the , and he was #
Yes . #
This is work though so #
Oh oh . #
Really ? #
Nadima , shut your mouth about the Jungle Book ! #
you little baby ! #
You're fifteen years old and you still wanna watch the Jungle Book . #
Honestly ! #
Some people ! #
Oh don't start on me you know , saying I can't there on Tuesday ! #
Don't start because I'll , I'll smash #
your face in ! #
What am I doing down here ? #
Yeah . #
Oh by the way I've got the #

Oh sorry . #
It's your dad innit ? #
Oh I think it was Freddie Kruger . #
I'm having some . #
Oh well that's a bit of a bummer isn't it ? #
Oh I think Madonna's crap ! #
Madonna is a whore ! #
Shut your mouth ! #
a one-way conversation #
I like Madonna . #
Yes I do . #
I like Madonna . #
She's wicked ! #
I love her new song . #
That's so good . #
Why ? #
Do you like me ? #
Ah ah . #
Do you like Shelley ? #
I understand , I just , you know , I just , ha , I understand . #
What ? #
What ? #
What ? #
He's a cheap man . #
Yes I know . #
Nick's a bitch . #
You're , you're dark . #
My name is Nick #
Oh ! #
And I am funky #
my name is Nick , my mum's a junkie . #
My name is Nick , my gran is randy . #
My name is Nick . #

Right . #
See ya . #
Whip whoo ! #
Oh I think I'll I'll push in . #
I don't like Mr . #
That wasn't very nice was it ? #
Are you coming over on Saturday ? #
Can I come over on Saturday ? #
Oh . #
Urgh ! #
That's disgusting ! #
I don't even know what you're talking about here , you know ? #
I , I don't nothing about it . #
I dunno nuffink about sex . #
I'm an innocent child . #
I dunno nuffink about the birds and bees . #
All I know is , the birds go mm mm , and the bees , and the the birds go . #
Yes I am a virgin . #

I'm a virgin . #
Not ! #
Not me . #
I done it with my finger . #
Didn't really . #
No I never . #
I done it with erm erm erm done it with Mick . #
But I couldn't feel it , I just #
you finished yet ? #
Yeah . #
Bob . #
Dick . #
Oh shut up ! #
You're so cruel . #
I have the right to say these things , okay ? #
You know . #

Whoo ooh ooh ! #

You but Shelley you don't you don't #
Yes you did Shelley ! #
He saw your body #
and ever since then , face it Shelley ! #
That's Shelley ! #
Shelley #
you enjoyed it . #
Face it ! #
You enjoyed it . #
Shelley you wanted to #
You Shelley are a sick fat bitch ! #
I'm going . #
Yeah . #
I'm going , you lot are you lot are mad ! #
Karen ? #
You going out with somebody now ? #
Are you ? #
Truthfully ? #
Oh I hate this fucking woman ! #
I would love to kill her ! #
To pick everything up , it's wicked . #
When I first put it on it was bzz bzz , bzz bzz , it's a Flymo . #
Well are you gonna say something ? #
Ooh ! #
Georgina say something . #
See look , whisper , whisper , right , whisper . #
Whisper from there see if she can pick it up . #
Go on we could have had . #
No , Friday . #
Why ? #
Where you going ? #
Oh ! #
My God ! #
Ah my pen's run out . #
I am . #
I'm sorry . #
Winston tell me your life story . #
Sorry , what was you saying . #
Oh . #
Well don't worry about it just go back and think , alright ? #
You just go back and think . #
Okay ? #
Yeah I know . #
I'm sorry . #
Yeah . #
Alright . #
Is he a good snogger ? #
Oh . #
Lovely . #
What's it #
Me . #
Me . #
Come on . #
Say da da da . #
I'll read it . #
Read it then . #
Arnold Schwarzenegger impression Fuck you baby ! #
Asta la vista . #
The war is over . #
Those universal soldiers going to . #
Don't you remember ?'s got the necklace with the ears on it and he goes can't you hear me ? #
Ain't ya ? #
He's got a necklace with ears on it and he goes , can't you hear me ? #
And Jean-Claude goes the war is over . #
Just Seventeen . #
Yes . #
Ha ah ! #
Ha ah ! #
Tell him love . #
Tell him . #
London . #
You can tell she's from London . #
Hackney . #
London . #
You're a common cow with a big nose ? #
I agree . #
Not really . #
Andy . #
Andy . #
Did your cat legs ,le , legs really get did it really get blown off ? #
Leg ? #
It didn't ? #
So it has only got three legs ? #
Brilliant ! #
Hello Wesley . #
How many stripes has it got ? #
Why #
why are you in here ? #
What are you doing in here ? #
His name is Wesley ! #
Tape ? #
What tape ? #
What's it bring it on Friday . #
The what ? #
It's only six people . #
Yeah . #
And Grace . #
Erm #
Norway . #
Yeah . #
Erm #
some college in Norway want a research #
to say #
class cos we were chosen . #
Out of the English classes . #
I'm quite good in English though . #
No , but she said you could have eight people all talking at once #
and they can pick them out . #
She said they've got computers to do that . #
Urgh ! #
Urgh ! #
Say I got mugged and keep it all . #
Ha ? #
Wait a minute . #
Give me it . #
What ? #
Give me it . #
Dear Doctor , I'm fourteen #
Oh Dear Doctor Alan I am fourteen . #
A few months what ? #
a few months #
a few months back I was bored with myself , and my family , I was playing about with my dog , I started rubbing #
I started rubbing it underneath #
and he really enjoyed it . #
It really did turn me on and after the first time I done it it it turned me on so much I come . #
What is wrong with me ? #
P S I'm a Kylie Minogue fan , from Andrew . #
Oh please help . #
Yeah . #
You've really got a disgusting bite ! #
Ah ah ! #
That is disgusting ! #
I rubbed my #
Urgh ! #
Me and Anthony are just friends . #
Well so dis Karen ! #
Stop #
stop #
stop wanking Chrissy okay ? #
Yes Wesley ! #
Miss . #
We really can't think about what we need to do , you know . #
So what , we'd have to make sure it was exactly the right , the same amount and , in the same flame and the same and see how long it took and whatever took the longest went I dunno whatever ? #
Yes ? #
I'm really , really interested ! #
Melt anything ? #
Well one that #
takes the longest will turn black . #
That it burns #
Er , tripod #
And a Bunsen burner . #
And a flame . #
Oh alright then . #
No one . #
Just , just one person . #
Yes cos we do a little bit out of the class instead . #
Well done . #
That's what we want . #
Yeah . #
Yeah , it's nothing to do with this school . #
Cos she didn't want one of you , she wanted one of me . #
She wanted one of me ? #
By being a hussy . #
Yeah , she could have picked Wesley . #
Wesley , Wesley ,We #
What ? #

Ha ? #
You lot ain't supposed to know I'm taping . #
Oh you wanna listen to something , but you don't know what you wanna listen #
No ! #
It's nothing to do with this school . #
No one in this school listens to it . #
Can I have a look at the bottle please ? #
Anthony's got drugs . #
Anthony's taking drugs ! #
So come on #
have a conversation . #
It goes to Norway . #
A college in Norway . #
No ! #
I give the tapes #
to the wa , student from Norway . #
I don't give it to Miss ! #
Cassie , I've gotta come in on Monday morning when there's school to give it to this student . #
Cassie ! #
Cassie ! #
Cassie , who have we got to give the tapes to ? #
Hello . #
They're drugs ! #
Yes I'm very concerned Anthony . #
I mean you might be overcharged for them . #
Don't you think we should get paid for these drugs ? #
Yeah ? #
Oh I see let us keep the microphones . #
Drugs . #
Mid-period pain tablets . #
I like the blue and yellow ones . #
Well I like the blue and yellow ones . #
Well I've had , one , two , three , four , five , six conversations ! #
Ooh er missus ! #
Erm #
Do you want one ? #
Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh . #
Ah ha , ah ha , ha ha ha ha ha ! #
What ? #
Right . #
I like your boom #
It's the only bit I know . #
Informer , something la la la , I lick your boom boom now . #
But it's on the radio #
I think it's Radio One . #
It's Radio One . #
That's what I thought . #
Oh ! #
Ooh God ! #
Er er , er er er mm . #
It really echoes when you bang the table . #
Good innit ? #
Probably have a go at me for smashing their microphone up . #
Wow ! #
This is excuse me ! #
Right . #
Oh oh . #
Everybody everybody up in your mum's ! #
Everybody up your mum's bum ! #
Everybody up your mum's bum ! #
Yo mum ! #
Yo mum ! #
Everybody up your mum's big bum ! #
Involve me in the conversation and I can't hear you talk . #
Out of this one . #
Ah ? #
I know wait a minute , wait a minute , I've got a better idea . #
Ha ? #
No I'm listening to the radio . #
Nick , Nick , Nick ? #
Nicholas ? #
He's didn't ? #
Then why did he ask me out ? #
Then why did he ask me out ? #
Cos I'm not talking to him . #
No , I called him up in the week , in the holiday and I asked him to come to Shelley's and he said call me back . #
Simple as that . #
No , it weren't cos of that . #
Cos I spent , I spent the first week of the holiday mainly with Shelley . #
So , didn't really want Nick there . #
Yes . #
On Wednesday . #
I didn't dump him . #
I just said I don't think we should go out no more . #
It's not . #
We compromised . #
Here's Mr . #
You better get your head down Wesley . #
When we used to sit with you in Humanities sat next to you right , and I was saying like erm erm , you were saying I got you to say so who are gonna bring down the school to beat me up ? #
And we got on this subject . #
And I said no one . #
And you said you bring the mother-fuckers down . #
And I got you talking about all the porno magazines . #
We got all that on tape . #
Yeah I've still got it . #
No , not this . #
I had a dictaphone . #
I've got a dictaphone . #
I've brung it into school loads of times . #
Yeah . #
Oh no , I think I taped over it . #
I've still got bits of it about the porno magazines and that though . #
Karen , you've gotta cut them across like that . #
It was quite funny listening to that actually . #
Cos I go , Steven goes erm , Steven goes bring the , to Shelley , he goes bring the mother-fuckers down like that . #
And I go , and it didn't pick it up and I goes , pardon ? #
Could you say that again . #
Bring the what down ? #
And he was going and I was going the mother what ? #
And he's going the mother-fuckers ! #
And I had it all down #
No . #
Steven . #
I had it all down the microphone . #
Yeah you were going , you were going erm well we'll beat you up . #
You'll bring your friends down , then beat us up , then we'll bring our friends and they'll beat them up . #
And you were saying all this stuff . #
You were . #
I've got it on tape . #
That's what you were saying . #
And you were saying , oh yeah , we found these porno magazines and we're selling them off to perverts . #
And I said yeah but you're looking at them and , and you started laughing . #
So I goes , you must be a pervert too and you started laughing . #
We had a look at them , but you ain't got me saying that on tape . #
Well you have now but I'm anonymous . #
Why d'ya think I'm not on Josie la , erm I'm recruit number two . #
Hundreds of schools doing it . #
Yeah but I , it's these , it's one person whose class is supposed to have it depends #
how much you've achieved . #
Where do , what do I stick where Karen ? #
What ? #
How can I copy ? #
You've cut it different to me . #
I thought you said cut it in strips . #
So you have gotta cut them up into little bits ? #
Right . #
So this is the first one ? #
Right . #
So Anthony , what are your comments to me ? #
Erm , my dad heard it . #
That was it . #
But I didn't actually want him to listen to it . #
I was playing it and he listened to it . #
I told him to stay away . #
What ? #
What , taped you ? #
It's a laugh man . #
Cos you were , you're all sitting there right , and you all talking like , like and bring the mother-fuckers down ! #
I'm just sitting there taping . #
That's why I was la , cos when you were going , what you laughing at you flat chested cow ? #
I was laughing and you were getting the hump with it cos I knew I had it all on tape . #
Yo , no it was Steven . #
You know like when you go to Steven , ah no Steven . #
You should say to Steven , ah no I didn't say anything . #
And he said , I had all that and that's why every time you called me something I just kept laughing cos I had it on tape . #
Could have played it to anyone . #
See how good I am to you ? #
I didn't even bother play it to anyone . #
I just thought , yeah , I could just get him into big shit now ! #
Woo ooh ooh ! #
I can't see it now . #
Where's it gone ? #
Take the cover , I'm copying it . #
Oh I just rescue me hee , rescue me ee ee ee . #
I've had enough of this conversation . #
I think I'll turn it off now . #
It's hurting my ears . #
Go on then . #
Say it . #
Ah ah ! #
He's so cute ! #
Yeah , course I can . #
Can you put it in ? #
Thanks . #
Ha ? #
I'm taping you right now Grace . #
Yes I am darling . #
Yes I fucking I am you dirty cow ! #
Don't you fucking start with me ! #
You dirty slag ! #
It hasn't , hey it's not , well I ain't even finished this side . #
No . #
Who you fucking tal #
You didn't , look . #
Yeah . #
Say something and I'll repeat what you said . #
Danny's a wanker . #
And Danny's a Chink . #
Where's #
where's Danny you know ? #
It might get #
What is it ? #
Hello Darling . #
No it's not that . #
Yeah . #
No it's erm for a college . #
It's not for the school , it's for a college . #
No he's not . #
Yeah I agree . #
No , not really . #
Not really . #
I don't think you're a wanker . #
It's for a college of teenage language #
school . #
Listen to me . #
Listen here , I can pick you up from over here . #
Talk then . #
Yeah . #
Yeah . #
Yeah . #
I'm not filming you , I'm just taping you . #
So Colin how are you ? #
How are you Joe ? #
Come on ! #
Talk ! #
Why am I doing it now ? #
I can't hear you . #
Daniel you're such a cunt ! #
Shelley ! #
Hello ! #
Piss off ! #
But you can't think that . #
Six people in my ear . #
I don't know . #
I don't know ! #
And that hurt . #
I don't know ! #
Oh ! #
Bloody hell ! #
Hey you rotten bastard ! #
A few things I taped off the radio . #
No it is not true . #
I protest . #
Woo ooh ! #
Woo ooh ooh ! #
Private eh ? #
Private ! #
Excuse me ! #
Sorry ! #
Why ? #
Er er ah ah ah erm #
I'm just taping , you know . #
It's just nothing against us . #
It's not , this is not legal . #
I'm so dirty ! #
Come . #
Sorry ! #
My old slosh bucket ! #
Look , leaving Nick all the way down there all on his own ! #
What a shame ! #
Are you gonna talk about anything interesting ? #
Or shall I just turn it #
Yeah I have . #
Oh well don't , you know . #

Oh wow ! . #
What ? #
Ha ? #
Ah ! #
This er , come on , come on #
come on , come on . #
I want you on tape . #
Loads of talk . #
Come on Shel , come the other side of me so I can get you both #
wah , wah in my #
Carly . #
Shelley fancies Robbie out of Take That . #
It's disgusting innit ? #
She know Bri #
She knows Brian ! #
I know Brian ! #
She don't know them , she just saw them . #
Oh she said hello ! #
Oh my God ! #
Ha ha ha ! #
Who was that ? #
Oh shit ! #
It really hurts . #
When someone whistles . #
Little kid just whistled #
This is fun , I like doing this . #
Yeah well it's not bad . #
No . #
Wurgh ha ha . #
Yeah . #
I could hear that . #
I didn't like him . #
Went off him . #
About twelve weeks . #
Of my life ! #
I was only a kid when I #
kid when I went out him . #
Yeah . #
Brian . #
Er ah er #
Daniel wants . #
To be deceived #
Mark . #
What do you wanna do ? #

. #
What if I hadn't had anything on underneath ? #
What if I hadn't of had anything on #
underneath ? #
Are you coming on Saturday ? #
Oh oh fuck it ! #
Going to your mum's ? #
I'm free Daniel ! #
I'm free ! #
I thought you said you loved me ? #
I'm free . #
Don't you #
understand Daniel ? #
You can #
have me now . #
What about you Warren ? #
Are you coming ? #
Warren . #
Are you coming ? #
Are you coming ? #
No I'm not ! #
No I can't . #
Oh ! #
Give me a kiss . #
Hang on . #
Is that ? #
. #
Wah ! #
Wah ! #
yay ee yay love you more than words can say . #
Love you more than tomorrow . #
Woh woh woh . #
Excuse me . #
How , how are your children's education going ? #
Did yo , did you hear that ? #
Excuse me . #
Excuse me . #
Do you have er children ? #
Excu , excuse me . #
Excuse me . #
How's your children's education going ? #
Well I've done my little bit . #
Right , I wi , as you know , just a quick one . #
I can hear something . #
Yes I can . #

Yeah . #
. #
Yeah . #
Ah ah . #
There's nothing there . #
There is nothing there . #
Yeah . #
No , you're not doing nuffink . #
Can you hear me ? #
Daniel walk up ahead and let's see yours . #
Your sister's not allowed to comment on yours though . #
Cos if she does she's a bit of a pervert . #
You're too tall ! #
Turn , turn , turn , turn #
turn , turn , turn . #
That's was my indicator impression . #
It's good innit ? #
What d'ya mean you suppose #
I got Idan on this tape telling me he loves me . #
So sweet . #
Zang is a prat ! #
No ! #
This is girls' talk . #
Yes we are . #
Come on , let's talk . #
Come on then . #
Excuse me ! #
It's my drink . #
You deaf #
Oh sorry . #
Oh sorry ! #
Your daddy's ? #
Mm . #
Mm mm . #
Bit tight though . #
Woh oh oh oh oh #
No . #
I'm turning it off now . #
I think Daniel's a bit violent myself . #
So what's the situation with you and your wife Shelley ? #
Yeah , what's the situation , come on , between you and your husband today ? #
I'm his daughter and he abused me ! #
Come on . #
Come on ! #
Wha , what's the situation ? #
Warren , she said she's leaving you . #
She said you're a fucking bastard ! #
Come on , come on , come on , come on ! #
Come on ! #
Hello oh ! #
Oh oh ! #
Can you get closer to the #
Is it , is it taping ? #
Come on then . #
This is just an excuse for him to walk #
next to me , close . #
You try them on . #
There , there . #
Yes they bloody are ! #
Everybody asks us that . #
Let's have a look . #
Let me have a look . #
It's good see if they'll fit . #
Makes you look quite thick if you ask me . #
And er , Todd dies . #
He gets run over by a truck . #
Yeah he gets run over . #
Ah ah ! #
Splat ! #
Todd's everywhere ! #
What's #
the matter ? #
What a shame . #

Ooh ooh ! #
Language please ! #
Come on , come on , come on , come on ! #
. #
Come on , come on . #
Yes I have got it on . #
Shut up ! #
If you shout too loud #
in the microphone it cuts out on me . #
I can't hear now . #
I'll have to turn it up again . #
Oh it's alright now . #
So , can I come over on Saturday ? #
Sexy ! #
Phworgh ! #
Ah ! #
Invite Warren . #
You can ask Warren to bring Mark . #
Spin on what ? #
Can I watch ? #
Thank you very , very , very , very much . #
Sweden . #
Sweden , I come from Sweden . #
I eat cheese . #
Ya . #
Yes I , I come from Sweden , I eat lots of cheese , ya . #
Give me your hand #
darling . #
Am I only dreaming or is this burning Shut up ! #
Bed and breakfast . #
You've just missed the bus . #
Come on . #
Ah ah ah ah ah . #
Oh my God ! #
Terrible ! #
Oh oh ! #
Come on ! #
Now ! #
Now ! #
Run ! #
There's , that's our bus . #
We're gonna die ! #
We're not gonna make it . #
Ah ? #
There's your mum . #
Yeah Shelley . #
I'll see you later . #
Is that your mum ? #
Alright . #
Some people ! #
Oh dear . #
Right , I've started . #
Let's hear your speech Kel . #
What was it , Malcolm X is a Malcolm X #
He was a black nigger ! #
Right . #
So #
No , stay away from you ! #
Well actually I like Margaret Thatcher cos she's a #
white dude ! #
Is that a joke . #
You're not joking ? #
Shut up ! #
What do you have #
to say Della ? #
You're dead ! #
You are gone ! #
Bye-bye . #
Speech , speech , speech ! #
Er er ! #
Really ? #
Really ? #
We didn't know that . #
We didn't know that . #
Sorry Kerry I thought you were Chinese , you know . #
Kerry that's not that's to keep the vampire away . #
Pete . #
They're thinking #
Malcolm X shit . #
Look at him , he's so ugly ! #
It is so damn ugly ! #
Innit ? #
With your little #
glasses and your little #
Ah ! #
Look at his t-shirt ! #
Look at his t-shirt ! #
Kerry , come back when you've got some trousers that actually fit you , okay ? #
All mad ! #
That was good . #
That was very good . #
That was #
Hackney ! #
Wah ! #

Truran , Truran , Truran , let me just tell you , I'm tape recording you not filming you . #
He's looking at , he's #
Have you noticed the way I keep going er er , mm mm . #
Did you know , cos you #
did you hear about yesterday when erm when that lot smashed the Jewish people's window ? #
Yeah ? #
D'ya know they done it again ? #
Twice . #
The police are after them now . #
Yep . #
And d'ya know it #
it was War , it was erm Kevin #
Mark , Warren , and #
Roger and all that lot . #
The police #
are after them now . #
They've done loads of them . #
Not just Jewish people , all different people's cars . #
You're going rowing ? #
Rowing ? #
What to get rid of your big bum ? #
Ow ! #
Sorry ! #
I'll be fifteen in a couple of weeks . #
I wish I had a video camera to tape your pretty head . #
Kerry likes Malcolm X . #
Kerry is a batty man . #
He fancies Michael . #
He's fancies Michael . #
This is cool . #
Woo woo ! #
Shut up you fool ! #
Women #
women do not snore , or burp , or fart , therefore they must bitch , or they will blow up . #
That is really good . #
I just got my dad going . #
Women do not snore #
burp , or fart , therefore we must #
be bitchy or they will blow up . #
Shana , I don't wanna see your tits particularly . #
God ! #
Go , #
You ! #
Are a dirty good-for-nothing Malcolm X thingamajig . #
Malcolm X . #
Was it taping ? #
What now ? #
Oh . #
Truan you just blew my microphone again . #
Shana that's a really nice plastic #
bag you've got on there . #
What like ,li ,wha what what ? #
Ya ! #
Ya . #
I thought it was pings . #
Oh sings ? #
Ow ! #
Ha ? #
Gimme some of that . #
Come on , let's hear Della speak . #
Got ya . #
That's really good . #
I like that . #
You going jogging Shana ? #
On your own ? #
I get a stitch #
I get a stitch by the time I reach the telephone box . #
I'll just inform you lot Shana is going jogging cos she likes jogging , but she puts a black bin liner all over her body so she sweats . #
Across her arms #
across her tits #
so she sweats #
Yeah . #
I knew . #
I mean I saw her at eleven o'clock at night going jogging with a plastic bag wrapped around her arms . #
Let me just pick this music up . #
What ? #
Erm , wait a minute I think your tape's finished . #
No , the tape ain't finished . #
You're gonna shoot me and I'm gonna be dead . #
Alright then , go on . #
Ah ! #
Urgh ! #
Ah ! #
Call an ambulance ! #
I am dying ! #
I think we should do that again though cos like #
Have you noticed that #
Truna isn't a white man by the way #
Truna is black , okay ? #
I don't know if that point has been put across yet , but Truna is black . #
Considering Truna's only a tiny #
bit taller than me . #
Considering Truna's only just a teenager . #
No you're a Hackney man Tru , Truna . #
Let's go and tell some Brixton men that he's saying he's a Brixton man , when he's not he's a Hackney man . #
Are we going ? #
Are we going ? #
Come on then . #
See you later you lot ! #
Shout goodbye to me . #
Shout goodbye to me . #
Woo ooh ! #
I don't know if I'll be allowed , I'll have to ask cos you know how it is . #
Right , well I'll go and ask #
while you're there . #
Come on Tru . #
You can walk down with me and talk to me Tru . #
Right . #
How was school today Tru ? #
And let's talk civilized here . #
Five P ! #
Oh my good God ! #
How was school today Truan ? #
Just that little pretty voice like that . #

That and like and like that ! #
Ooh ! #
Ooh ! #
Ooh ! #
Ooh ! #
See you later . #
Ding dong merrily on high heaven There's my dog . #
It's called Dempsey . #
.Ding dong merrily on high . #
Hello Fran . #
You're , you're doing something . #
Alright ? #
Mum . #
Can I #
go over to New Flats for a little while ? #
To get some taping . #
Where are all the #
tapes gone ? #
Oh yeah . #
Thanks . #
Er yeah . #
Ding dong merrily on high . #
Dum dee dum . #
In heaven we are singing . #
Ding dong What ? #
What ? #
No , they're not mine . #
They're #
er school's earphones . #
They belong to my school . #
No ! #
Yeah . #
So what you gotta say about Glen ? #
So what is it ? #
So why is he ? #
Stop #
Stop a minute , bend over , I've gotta write down erm who's talking to me . #
Er er I just gotta write down who's talking to me . #
Kerry . #
Alright then . #
Josie . #
Alright . #
Occupation ? #
Pupil . #
Ah ! #
My pen's running out . #
Student . #
Have you got a pen Kel ? #
Wait a minute , I just gotta erm what are you ? #
A best friend . #
Best , I ain't got enough room for all of that . #
Friend . #
Erm flats . #
Flats . #
Erm New flats , . #
Oh it's alright , it's working again now . #
Come on then . #
I can hear actually . #
In fact , I can hear everything you're saying clearly . #
I've never heard anything so clearly in my whole entire life . #
Yeah , I can you . #
Some boy come up to my microphone and burped down it , I nearly died ! #
What's this ? #
Alright then , I'll meet your friend . #
Who's your friend ? #
Yeah me . #
Who's the friend Kel ? #
Hit me with it . #
Okay then . #
Hi ! #
Hi . #
Ha ? #
I dunno . #
Oh right . #
Thanks . #
Hi ! #
Hello . #
Was #
How are you ? #
How was school ? #
Boring ? #
So come on Jess , come and make some conversation with me . #
Here are look , put this to your ear . #
Hello Jessica . #
Can you hear me ? #
Right , I'm taping you . #
For a project . #
Er er #
Urgh ! #
Wouldn't waste my time . #
Why ? #
No , no , no , no . #
No , oh oh , no , no okay . #
You got that wrong , you're not pretty . #
You're not pretty . #
It's Malcolm X look alike here . #
I've got it all down on tape what he thinks about Malcolm X . #
It's very , very interesting . #
Well the wes , wait a minute , let me stop it a sec . #
Well I can't ? #
I wanna go #
Ow ! #
Ally come here . #
Ally , what do you think of Stoke Newington's score ? #
Don't you think it's crap ? #
I haven't got a microphone . #
Not a microphone ! #
You're such a div ! #
It's an earphone . #
Shane , what do you think of Stoke Newington ? #
It's a radio you div ! ! #
You're so stupid ! #
I don't believe them . #
I've got earphones on , how can I play it to you ? #
Ha ? #
I can't hear you . #
I'm playing my music Shane . #
I ain't got speakers attached to me , you know what I mean , Shane ! #
I don't walk #
about with speakers like this . #
It can't come out it's a fuc #
Stereo Shane ! #
Stereo ! #
Right ! #
Now what do you think of the school ? #
What a pussy ! #
I think you are . #

One of what Shane ? #
Say it Shane ! #
Go on say it ! #
Alright . #
Prepare to go to sleep . #
Come on . #
Just , fucking tell me ! #
Yeah . #
Right . #
Right . #
Right . #
He goes yes . #
Alright #
yeah . #
Right , I'm listening . #
Come on . #
Alright , alright ! #
Listen , listen ! #
Vam , have I told you one about a , I've told you one about a vampires innit ? #
Right , three vam , a vampire walks into a pub and goes erm #
excuse me ,I want a pint of blood . #
And the man goes sorry mate we don't do blood . #
And he goes , I want a pint of blood ! #
So the man goes ah , chops the dog's head off . #
Sticks it in the cup , goes and gives it to him , he goes ,thank you . #
And goes and sits in the corner . #
Second vampire comes in ,I want a pint of blood . #
He goes alright . #
Gives it to him . #
He goes ,thank you , and go and sit down . #
Third vampire comes in , right , the other one goes and sits down , the third one comes in , he goes yo ! #
What's going down man ? #
I want a pint of water . #
He goes , pardon ? #
He goes , I want a pint of water . #
So he gives him a pint of water , he goes and sits with the other ones . #
And the other ones look at him , and they sort of look in their cups and going er , how comes we got blood and you got water ? #
He goes , nah mate ! #
Ain't you lot ever heard of tea bags ? #
And he puts a Tampax in the water . #
Come on then , let's hear your joke . #
So he was married to two women ? #
Right . #
So he's married to Lorraine , and he's going out with Keilly ? #
Right . #
It's another one of those jokes . #
Alright ! #
Alright ! #
What's the difference between a #
Wait a minute ! #
Wait a minute ! #
My one's short . #
What's the difference between a prostitute and a cockerel ? #
A cockerel goes cock-a-doodle-do , and a prostitute stands with her legs open and says any cock'll do . #
Is that all she could do ? #
All , all right , listen to this , listen to this right . #
No wait , there's three men , there's three men and they're all getting sent to prison but because they've been good they're all gonna get a wish . #
So he goes what do you want ? #
He goes I want the beautiful page three girl , Samantha Fox . #
So he gets her . #
The second one the second man says I want a year's , I want ten years' supply of whisky , right , so they sling it in there . #
So the third man goes I want ten years' supply of cigarettes . #
So ten years later and the man comes back , the ma they cos they've never come and checked on them they just sling the food through a but open up the cell where the man had Samantha Fox and millions of little kids come running out , all different ages and sizes , millions of them . #
And Samantha Fox comes out like this there's a big belly and the man comes out like this and er the drunk man just comes out , right , grrr fuck off you cunts so they stick him back in . #
The third man comes out like this he goes what's a matter with you ? #
He goes you've got your cigarettes . #
I didn't get no fucking matches , did I ? #
That was my little joke that . #
Come on , let's hear some jokes ! #
Come on then , let's hear your joke . #
And an arse hole ? #
And Arsenal . #
What ? #
Alright , listen to this there's this , there's this , there's this . #
There's this aids #
There's aids , there's aids , right . #
Listen , listen , listen . #
There's aids and he's chasing the bum and the bum's running and the aids is going come on you little bastard and he's going leave me alone and so he runs up a tree and there's a bird there and he's got all bones on him , he's a s witch doctor and the bird goes , and the bird goes , what's a matter ? #
He goes help me ! #
The aids gonna come and get me , I'm gonna die ! #
So he goes , all right , don't worry about it , he goes pouff ! #
He's a bird . #
So aids comes running up . #
Come on , where's that little bastard ! #
I know he's in here somewhere . #
Come out ! #
He goes you whistle . #
He goes He goes you whistle . #
He goes #
Yeah , I'll have an orange one . #
Give me an orange one ! #
Just give me one of your orange ones . #
Take another one off there . #
I can't hear ! #
Alright , listen . #
Right , listen , listen , listen , listen , listen ! #
Right , I'm just thinking of it again . #
Right . #
You've probably hear all these . #
Right . #
There's this , there's this man and he , no I don't wanna say that one . #
Yeah , there's these three men and they're walking through the desert . #
You ain't heard it ? #
They're walking through the desert and like , you know , they're gonna die , it's obvious and they see this house . #
Oh my god ! #
A house ! #
So the first man goes the house and he goes and opens the door and you hear the door . #
It goes and , and this woman answers this woman's ugly and you've never seen anything What's the ugliest person you've ever seen ? #
No , what , no come on ,who's the ugliest person you've ever seen ? #
All right , take your mum and double it and triple her age and all warts and hairs and everything and she goes hello #
Yeah . #
Shut up ! #
And he goes , he goes , he goes excuse me , can I have a glass of water ? #
And she goes yes , and you can have all the food you can eat if you fuck me ! #
And this woman's ugly , I'm telling you , there's pus growing off of her pus ! #
Right ? #
So he goes oh , no way , man !and she kills him , right . #
So this man's weak . #
The second man comes , he says the same thing and his brother's waiting at the gate and she goes only if you fuck me ! #
And he goes no man and he just walks away . #
So the third one comes up , the other one's brother , and he says yeah I will but first of all you've got to give me a corn on the cob with lots of butter on it to make it all slippery . #
So , she gets the corn on the cob and she pulls gets the corn on the cob ! #
Sticks it up her . #
She's going and she dies right , she's so happy , she's got a good one . #
And erm , he throws the corn on the cob , he goes inside gets a drink , eats some food cos there's loads of food cos you know and he goes outside and he goes quick , quick , quick loads of food , loads of food , quick , come on , come on , come on , loads of food ! #
He goes ah , no thanks , somebody just threw away a lovely corn on the cob . #
It's the one he jagged up her ! #
He jagged the corn on the cob up her pussy , and threw it and he goes no thanks , I just had a lovely corn on the cob . #
He eat it ! #
It's just been up the woman's puss ! #
Imagine that , innit ? #
It's gotta nice flavour to it , fishy kind of like . #
So erm Little ones , how's school ? #
How's school ? #
Hansell ! #
Come on then , let's hear it . #
Can you shut up and keep still ! #
I can't hear him . #
Shut up ! #
Ooh ! #
Excuse me , did you just push me ? #
All right , look ! #
What's the , what's the , erm what can you put in your left hand but not in your right ? #
Your right elbow . #
I mean , come on , it's a bit obvious . #
Well , what can you put in your left hand but not in your right ? #
You can put , you can put , you can put , but you can't put your left hand in your right elbow . #
See Shane ? #
I think you should stick to the knock , knock jokes . #
No thanks . #

Right , let's hear it . #
Shut up ! #
I've heard this but I've forgotten it . #
And the teacher says . #
Who do you think you are ? #
He Man . #
Right , listen to this one . #
There's , there's this Mummy bear , Daddy bear and Baby bear #
and erm Mummy bear has to go away Bye ! and Baby bear's feeling lonely and Baby bear goes ,Daddy can I sleep with you tonight ? #
And he goes no , fuck off , get into bed you dirty little shit ! #
And he goes please ! #
He goes no you're go away . #
No , I want to go to bed with you ! #
So he goes all right ! #
Just get into bed !what are you doing Listen , he goes , he goes what's that ? #
He goes that's my chicken . #
He goes what's that ? #
He goes that's its eggs . #
He goes what's that ? #
That's the nest . #
He goes can I play with your chicken ? #
He goes no . #
He goes now turn round and go to sleep ! #
He goes all right then . #
The man wakes up in hospital , right . #
And his son comes in . #
Dad . #
He goes what ? #
He goes what am I doing in here ? #
He goes I didn't mean to . #
He goes what ? #
He goes well I was playing with your chicken like this and it spat at me , so I bit its head off , clamped its eggs and set fire to its nest ! #
Ally , shut up ! #
Knock , knock . #
This is the crap joke you were trying to say . #
No , it's will you all remember me in two years ? #
Will you remember me in three years ? #
Will you remember me in a month ? #
Will you remember me in a century ? #
Knock , knock . #
You've forgotten me already . #
Oh , I've got a wicked one next this'll make you crack up . #
I dunno . #
Listen to this , listen to this . #
Listen . #
Listen ! #
This prostitute , this prostitute walking down the street giving it ooh , ooh , ooh , you know , trying to flash off her botty . #
And this man goes , right love , and he takes her in an alley way and she goes thanks , and like , he goes come on then , let's do it now . #
She goes what here ? #
He goes yeah . #
She takes her clothes off , he goes am I ? #
What's that smell ? #
She goes no it ain't you fucking stink , you dirty cat ! #
And he puts his thing away and goes away . #
So she goes to the hospital . #
She goes to a doctor and the doctor says , right , get undressed behind the screen . #
She goes behind the screen and he goes what's that smell ? he goes get out , you dirty bitch ! #
Go and get another doctor . #
Go to the hospital ! #
So she goes to the hospital and they go right take your clothes off and put the gown on Get out , man , just , just go to a clinic . #
So she goes to a clinic and exactly the same thing happens . #
So she's walking past this church and she says if anyone can help me , God can help me . #
So she goes into the church . #
And there's a basin of holy water . #
She jumps into the basin and starts cleaning herself and she hears ching ! #
And as the water goes she sees a nail in the water and she looks up and she see Jesus going like that . #
All right . #
What's this ? #
A pea on a fork . #
A pea on the fork . #
And what's this ? #
It's a spider doing aerobics against the mirror . #
How do I spell what ? #
Pedro How would you like to not see for a couple of days ? #
Cos you'll be blinded by black eyes . #
I'm not even doing anything . #
No , it ain't . #
Right , I've got a joke . #
Jo's gotta joke , right . #
All right , there's this erm there's erm , you won't get this one but I'll tell you it anyway because it's quite disgusting . #
There's this man , there's these three men and they go to an hotel . #
And erm they walk into the , the hotel and they say can we stay here and he goes yeah , you can stay here on one condition . #
As long as you don't go down into the attic , I'm sure I've told you this , he goes as long as you don't go down into the attic . #
So he goes , all right . #
Well anyway , it reaches night and the three of them go down into the attic . #
And they go down , there's this beautiful woman sitting there , right . #
Who's the most beautiful woman in the world ? #
Ah look , Cindy Crawford . #
Take Cindy Crawford and double it , right . #
And she's sitting there with just a swimming costume on and they think #
Who ? #
Right , the woman out of the advert , right . #
Right , her , oh yeah , the blonde-haired woman her right ? #
No not , urgh ! #
Urgh ! #
She's ugly . #
Anyway , they go down and they look this beautiful woman with the swimming costume on , I don't care who it is and on the shelf there's a line of cocks with , with with tongs next to them and all blood dripping off them . #
So she goes up to the first man and she goes ,hi , handsome ,and he goes ,hello , hello and he's erected , right . #
Pulls his trousers down and he's naked and she's standing there and erm #
and erm #
and erm ,and erm , and she goes , she goes erm ,so what does your daddy do for an occupation , baby ? #
And he goes erm ,my dad's a butcher . #
She goes chung ! #
Butcher knife , chop it off , put it on the shelf , the man's dead . #
The next man goes up ,hello . #
She goes hello , cutey , wooty coochy coochy coochy bing ! #
What does your daddy do ? #
My dad's a mechanic . #
Put it on the side , the man's dead . #
The third man comes up , he's laughing , he's not even having an erection he's just laughing . #
He's looking at her . #
She goes what does your daddy do ? #
He goes sh work this one out , he's an ice cream salesman . #
I knew you wouldn't get it . #
Work it out . #
How , how she , how's she gonna cut it off if he's an ice cream salesman ? #
She'll have to suck it off ! #
All right , one more . #
A man goes into the pub , you've all heard this but I'll tell you it again . #
A man goes in the pub , there's a bear sitting in the corner . #
He goes up to the , he goes up to the bartender , he says excuse me , why is there a bear sitting over there ? #
And he goes , this joke changes a little bit every time I tell you , I thought I'd warn you though . #
Right , he goes h excuse me , why is there a bear sitting there ? #
He goes well , you know , we erm , well , don't ask okay , but just don't touch him , okay , cos he's dangerous just don't , anyway the man gets drunk , he's going he's going like that he's excuse me , you're interrupting my joke . #
And he done and it's all over this bear . #
And the bloke goes I'll clean him up , I'm , I'm , I'm really sorry about that and he #
and he goes no , he goes no , I'm not touching the bear I'm not touching the bear and he goes , and he goes #
he goes if you don't touch that bear you're scared of it . #
He goes I ain't scared of no bear !and he goes had ! #
The bear goes aargh !and the man's running out of the pub really fast , he's running like that . #
and he thinks ha ha ha and he turns round grrr , aargh ! #
He gets on , jumps on a bus . #
The bus is going too slow the bear's still going grrr ,aargh ! #
The man gets onto the train the train goes wo , wo ! #
He looks and the bear's hanging off it at the side , grrr ! on the window and the man goes aargh ! and the man runs off and he gets on he gets on an aeroplane the aeroplane and he's safe . #
Spinning around on the propeller , grrr , grrr , grrr ! #
The man aargh !and the man jumps out of the aeroplane gets back onto the train . #
The bear's on top of the train grrr ! #
Looking through the little window going like that . #
The man aargh !and the man's running . #
The man don't bother to get the bus the man just runs . #
He's going aargh ! he wants And he goes , he goes to the bartender . #
He goes help me , help me please please please , get this bear away from me , please , get the bear away from me and the bear goes grrr ! #
And the bear's behind all , all blood coming out and he's going and the man turns round and he goes . #
And the bear's going aargh ! #
Cos when he first hit him he went had . #
No , I could tell you a really boring joke that goes on for ages . #
All right , there's a fortune teller and the man goes to the fortune teller and the fortune teller goes and he goes what ? and he goes and he goes what ? and he goes and he goes what ? and he goes and he goes what ? and he goes he goes he goes he goes i he goes I can't tell you , this is , this is , this is awful ! #
All right , it's , it's worse than dying . #
He goes look , I'll write it down on an envelope , I'll put it in a little envelope and you look at it before you die , but promise me you won't look at it before you die cos if you look at it before you die , it'll happen to you . #
So the man goes all right . #
Man walks home and the man's depressed , he walks like this he has to buy a new pair of trainers on the way home cos he's dragging his feet on the floor so much . #
So , he gets in the house and the woman goes to him ,what's the matter , darling ? #
Cos she's got one of them voices , you know . #
She goes what's the matter , darling ? #
And he goes , he goes , he goes well , you know , and he tells her the story . #
She goes let me read it and she reads it and she goes and he goes what ? and she goes and he goes what ? and she goes and he goes what ? and she goes and she goes aargh ! #
And she goes get out of my house now you little bastard ! #
And he gets out . #
He won't argue with her cos she's . #
She's ready to kill . #
So he gets in a cab , he's got nothing , he just gets in a cab and he goes , he's sitting ,sit sitting in the cab and the man goes what's the matter ? #
He goes well , look and he tells the story . #
And he goes and my wife threw me out , I don't know what to do . #
He goes let me read it . #
goes and he goes what ? and he goes and he goes what ? and he goes and he goes what ? and he goes and he goes what ? and he goes and he goes Get out of my fucking cab , you dirty son of a bitch ! #
He gets out of the cab , right . #
So he gets out of the cab . #
So he's walking down the street , trying ah , trying ah to get his mind off this and he gets on a train . #
And this posh man says to him you know , erm , like what's the problem okay ? #
And he tells him the story and he goes and the man threw me out of the taxi . #
He goes well , let me read it . #
Because , because I'm a complete stranger so I don't have to spend time with you at all , so you know . #
And he gives it to him and the man goes and he goes what ? and he goes and he goes what ? and he goes and he goes what ? and he goes and he goes what ? and he goes and he goes get off of this train , now ! #
And he goes you don't have to tell me and he goes get off the fucking train . #
So the man gets off the train . #
The man gets on bus . #
Sitting on a bus . #
Bus conductor , , tickets please ,tick what's a matter , mate ?well you know and the man threw me off the train and listen , he goes come on gov , give me the letter I'll read it . #
I done it silent , see . #
And he gets up and he goes get off ! #
This is my bus and I don't want you on it ! #
So he gets off . #
So the man's walking down the street and this little Chinese kid comes up to him , man ,Hello . #
If you come and work for me , this time next year you'll be millionaire . #
And it's twelve o'clock . #
So the man says all right . #
The man goes and works for him . #
It's five minutes to twelve , right , a year later and the man's just queuing up to become a millionaire and the Chinese man goes we are close friends , yeah , we've , we've ah so . #
You tell me why you were depressed when I first meet you . #
He goes all right then and he tells him . #
the man threw me off the bus and he goes all right then , let me read it . #
The man goes He goes let me read it . #
So anyway ,he reads it #
And the Chinese man goes an and he goes what ? and he goes and he goes what ? and he goes and he goes what ? and he goes and he goes what ? and he goes and he goes get off of my boat ! #
I know the Chinese accent has disappeared now but he goes now ! #
He goes I can't swim ! #
He goes he kicks him off I can't swim , come back ! #
So he goes you'd better read the note then ! #
And he can't get the note out of his pocket and his trousers are all stuck to his bum , and he can't get them out and he's digging it looks like he's digging out his pants he's going he pulls it out and takes the envelope off nearly and the waves are coming at him and he goes to read it and the wind blows it away . #
I got you lot going and the wind blows it away . #
Yeah , he's just #
No , that was the whole point of the joke cos you lot are all sitting there giving it #
And then you say , well that's it and they say , I didn't want to know anyway . #
Hold them a sec please Can't you lot afford food ? #
Yes . #
Shut up ! #
Don't bother thinking about hitting me or saying anything about me cos I'm swear when I catch you I'll kill you . #
Shane , come here a minute please ! #
Where have the earphones gone ? #
Where ? #
Oh yeah . #
Shane ! #
What ? #
Teenage mutant hero turtle oh sorry . #
Oh , he's so cute ! #
West Yorksh Oh don't , let him go . #
Let him go he don't wanna talk ! #
Petro , shut up ! #
He's such a little shit . #
He's really good . #
God , what rhythm . #
What rhythm ! #
That's all right , I'm just why has he got an American flag wrapped around his head ? #
Oh right , he's meant to look cool . #
I understand . #
Right . #
Dang , da da da dang ! #
Oh ! #
My ears . #
Ah , hurting from the earphones . #
Doo No , don't go ! #
Have you got Eco . #
Can I lend it , whenever ? #
I like it . #
I played it . #
Yeah . #
Kerry showed me . #
I went up to his house when he had it . #
When can I lend it ? #
Eco . #
I quite liked that . #
It was a bit shit but I liked it . #
Yeah , but you lot like fighting games . #
It's a nice little dolphin . #
When can I lend it ? #
Today ? #
I ain't got anything . #
I've only got Batman and I can't give you Californian Games cos it's not mine . #
What ? #
Leave him ! #
I think it's quite good . #
It's not the best game I've ever played but it's all right . #
That's kind of like buying Barbie on Gameboy . #
Really ! #
God , that takes a lot of knowing that does . #
I mean I didn't realise cos she had these lumps coming out of her chest and I thought she had cancer . #
And I wondered what she had blonde hair for . #
It would've #
I think it's good . #
It's just a bit slow that's all . #
I think it's good , I liked it . #
I'd play it again . #
J J , what's going on with J J . #
What do you think ? #
Do I look nice ? #
Now tell me how to walk . #
How do I walk ? #
I'm coming , I'm not staying here on me own . #
I've got nothing to talk about now . #
I'm pretty bored now . #
He's ringing your buzzer ! #
Virginia #
Get her to talk . #
Don't tell I'm taping her . #
Get her to talk #
If she asks what that is on my chest say it's a volume thing like a rad say it's , it's a radio . #
But not unless she don't ask . #
Are you gonna let your little brother to get away with that ? #
Even I don't let him get away with that and he's not my little brother . #
Oh my god , he pushed you ! #
She did say hi ! #
I just didn't hear her . #
Oh , she went like this . #
Kel , Kel anything good happening at school ? #
Oh , she goes college ! #
Whoops ! #
I thought she went to school . #
Sorry . #
Was there any fights . #
Mind you , I don't suppose you get many fights at college because they all talk like that . #
You know ? #
And they all walk about and sit in circles you didn't have an argument with a teacher or anything interesting ? #
Who with ? #
Let's hear it . #
Talk to me baby . #
Yeah , who with ? #
Tell us the argument . #
What was it about ? #
So what did you say to her ? #
Hey , bitch ! #
No , sorry , what did you say ? #
What teacher was this ? #
She become , Miss stupid cow ! #
Miss #
Is that an alarm going off ? #
It's really loud . #
It's really , really , loud . #
Hi , Shane ! #
In fact it's so good Good innit ? #
Don't tell me your name I don't want , it's not live ! #
It's it's just where , it's just where you're picking up everything . #
Say hello to me . #
Not you I've got you on there already . #
Talk to me . #
You cunt ! #
Goodbye ! #
I wanna hear it . #
No , say it ! #
Oh , I got it . #
Okay , where else can we get some conversation ! #
What's for dinner ? #
Can I have some ? #
Oh thanks . #
Oh what ! #
Ice cream van . #
Well , Clint , can you come and talk to us when you've finished it ? #
Because we want to talk to you ! #
Since he started fancying you . #
Not really , not really , not really . #
No he just just come and talk to you . #
About anything odd . #
That's why we can talk , talk about anything . #
I'm only a fourth year ! #
Good for you ! #
Well , you must take exams earlier cos we don't . #
We usually , #
we do ours , we'd done our Science and Maths and that was it #
What , when do you want us to come and knock for you ? #
Well can't you just talk cos it's not long , just a couple of minutes just talk before you revise for a little while ? #
Well just talk to us now for a second . #
Talk now for a second . #
What's that noise ? #
Ooh , it hurts . #
Are your grades good ? #

Have you got a boyfriend ? #
Business . #
Good god !have you got any games #
for your computer ? #
What , built-in one's have you got ? #
Survival ? #
Oh I got that . #
Is that the one that goes do do do do , choo , #
do do do do , choo , do do do do , choo . #
I really like that . #
I play it on my brother's computer . #
I'm always blowing the little ducks up they go , they're going like that and you shoot them and they turn into a It's really good . #
I love the music . #
It goes do do do do , choo , do do do do , choo , do do do do , choo . #
It's really good . #
I like shooting ,shoo #
Radio . #
But the cars seem to be coming #
All right , all right . #
Right . #
What's the difference between a tea bag and Arsenal ? #
The tea bag stays in the cup longer . #
Yeah . #
No , not me . #
I don't support a football team I support myself . #
Gimme it Kel , Tottenham , Tottenham , Tottenham , #
Tottenham , Tottenham ! #
Wo ! #
Oh ,stick her tongue under her chin there ooh like that , ooh . #
She's She's trying to , she's try she's trying to say something . #
Okay . #
Right then and we'll talk . #
See you later . #
Anything ! #
I'm bored . #
When I'm bored I talk to , about anything . #
Talk to anyone . #
Arsenal . #
Did you hear her ? #
None of your business . #
None of your business . #
Innit ? #
What did I say ? #
Pardon ? #
No , they die . #
Because if they went back they'd have to have the electric chair and they don't want the electric chair or the , cos that's what they think cos they've done so much . #
So they come to a cliff and she looks at her and she goes , she goes what are you doing ? #
She's getting a gun out and she goes I'm not going out without a fight . #
She goes no , let's not . #
Let's keep going . #
So they drive over a cliff and it finishes . #
When they got the policeman she shot him . #
She goes what did you do that for ? #
At the end they drove over the cliff going bye ! #
Like that . #
Didn't you know it was Thelma and Louise ? #
French and Saunders . #
Don't get me started on French and Saunders , right . #
Cos I can't shut up they make me laugh so hard and Harry Enfield Only me ! #
You don't wanna do it like that ! #
What Thelma and Louise ? #
Yeah , it's wicked ! #
Starts off a bit boring . #
First , like , twenty minutes and then it gets good . #
I wish Kelvin was here ah ah ah Oh I hope the tape recorder can pick this up , because , erm The wind keeps coming at me I don't even though why I've come sho oh yeah , I wanna buy something , don't I ?so what I say now to people , when they say something to me , I go I go and I say no actually I'm not but never mind . #
What ! #
I can't say that I hate that shop , it stinks . #
That shop stinks I hate going in , not that one ! #
No ! #
The Indian place it stinks , man when you go in there , boy , it blow up your nostrils ! #
You don't wanna be breathing whilst in that shop . #
I think a lot of people have died actually breathing in that shop . #
Oh ! #
Follow me ! #
That's what we want . #
That was a wicked film ! #
Ah , home sweet home . #
Am I talking loud ? #
Am I talking loud ? #
That's alright then , innit ? #
Sweet shop , sweet shop , sweet , I never know what to buy when I'm looking at the chocolate compartment . #
Er ? #
What ? #
Oh . #
Oh no , #
It's you . #
Excuse me ! #
Excuse me ! #
Just pay up the money , matey please . #
Yeah and I'll set him on you if you start with me . #
See The Bodyguard ? #
I will always love you . #
Fetch ! #
Can I have my money please ? #
I feel like to eat my Mars bar now . #
me , rich . #
I was gonna say me and rich , no I don't think so no that's just where they'll be a flush . #
Do you want a bit ? #
Does he have to rev up his engine while I'm walking past ? #
Goes Oh , fucking hell ! #
Yeah . #
I nearly hit him over the head , I thought it was Jason . #
We saw Jason , you know that I hate Jason ? #
That little short one . #
I walked up to him , me and Shelley , me and Shelley give it crossing the road to go to him , me and Shelley as we're walking through he crossed the road before we got to him . #
I'm going #
Ain't it you should see this traffic jam . #
Oh , alright go . #
Go #
And Arsenal have just fallen flat on their face ! #
It's a goal ! #
And the crowd goes wild ! #
Arsenal ! #
Tottenham ! #
Oh my god ! #
I wonder if my dinner's ready yet ? #
It looks like my Dad's car from here . #
Maybe it is . #
No , it's got a sunroof . #
Look at them kids trying to blow er a bin liner over . #
I think they think it's a kite . #
It's a bin liner kids . #
Oh god , look at this man looks like he's gonna mug you innit . #
Look at the way he's walking along . #
Shifty #

 #
Was Kevin and that lot in it ? #
Kevin , Mark that's all I saw . #
Yeah , yeah all that lot . #
Police have been questioning Mark you know . #
And Kevin and everyone . #
Police have been questioning them . #
Chris screwed them up . #
My Mum screwed them up . #
Yeah . #
She gives it , well one of them's called Kevin . #
Tina's saying go on Mum , screen them up it was Kevin it's Kevin #
She's really listening to you boy . #
Della's a dog . #
They smashed two you know yesterday . #
And they've been smashing all different people's ones . #
All down the road . #
Little boys ! #
Little boys ! #
Need a good lesson taught to them . #
Yes . #
Did you watch erm The Fury the other night ? #
No , neither did I . #
I heard it was good though and erm did you watch Amadeus ? #
Have you got a television ? #
I know he has er erm #
Went to school and it was pretty boring . #
Yeah , went to school . #
I nearly had a fight in school ! #
This girl called saying about me ? #
No , I didn't say nothing about you . #
You two faced bitch ! #
I know you #
Miss we've got her . #
We're gonna get a new headmaster . #
The headmaster's leaving . #
Mr #
Did he ? #
Does he know you ? #
You've never had him ? #
I take , I took music for an option , I've got him . #
There's only two teachers I've got , him and Miss #
I know ,some teacher , some boy kicked him up his arse . #
He was screwing . #
he was going erm , he was going who did that ? #
He's hairy ain't he ? #
I know I see it all down his back ! #
I walked past I went urgh , gorilla ! #
Mr Miss exc , excuse me ,exc excuse me ! #
Do you mind ? #
This is top quality gear here . #
Bloody dog ! #
Did he used to go to your school ? #
What's the name of your school ? #
. #
Sir , did you used to work at ? #
That's what I'll say to him , I've got him tomorrow . #
I hate him ! #
He's always #
I picked music #
When he sees me he goes , he goes get out of my way , Jo . #
Get out of the way and pushes me don't make me start with you Jo , all this stuff . #
He gives it to me erm , he goes you're just an overgrown greasy burger so I goes so what are you ?away from him . #
Luckily he can take a joke . #
what are you ?looked at me there's me wisht gone ! #
Going out . #
No . #
Myself . #
What boy ? #
What in my school ? #
Nick ? #
I went out with him . #
I dumped him . #
Yeah . #
I dumped him on Wednesday . #
I said hey , Mac ! #
Not this Wednesday , last Wednesday I was saying , I just said I don't think we should go out no more . #
He said alright . #
I said bye . #
I said I hope we can still be friends . #
He said yeah . #
I said alright I'll meet you for school , bye . #
I went erm I hope we can still be friends . #
Makes me laugh . #
Yeah ? #
Myself ! #
No , I'm talking to Kerry ! #
I'd cry . #
I'd go Mum . #
I've got , I've signed a receipt . #
If I break it I have to pay for it . #
ten ninety minute tapes ! #
T D K tapes ! #
Ten ! #
Ten ! #
That's a one and an O . #
Yeah . #
No , not everyone just these students . #
I think , I don't know . #
What are you looking at ? #
Yeah . #
That'll be sixty tapes . #
And Shane grabbed hold of the microphone and he screamed . #
But when someone talks to you loud like I just did the microphone seems to stop . #
Do you know what I mean , it don't pick it up as loud and then it comes back again . #
Like I'd be talking like this and suddenly it'll go . #
Somebody grabbed hold of it and burped down it . #
Listen they were all going that ain't a burp he said Fire engine , two fire engines went past woo , woo ! #
Cos it picks it up twice as loud . #
Yeah I can hear the , you know the motor bike that just went past ? #
Yeah . #
I can hear it . #
I can hear , when I'm walking down the street I can hear the birds singing . #
You know when them girls walked past and they were laughing ? #
I could hear that . #
I can hear that car like it's just going past here . #
I can hear Rufus barking good as well . #
Picks up ever picks up this . #
What I'm doing with my foot . #
Look , listen . #
Put them both Can you hear it ? #
Picks everything up . #
It's a bit of a bummer really but you know when you've got it on and you're talking , cos I was telling jokes and you get carried away and you start thinking wah and you start telling all the jokes and everything there's a , a lot of swearing on this tape , a lot of swearing , a lot of swearing . #
First there's Shelley , cos first of all I didn't want to talk in it , you know , I just went like yeah , yeah , yeah , no , sort of like yes , I wanna talk down it all the time , I want them to hear my voice ! #
And you know you get carried away you start swearing don't you ? #
Shelley , Warren , Carly , Daniel ,all people you don't know . #
You know Warren ? #
The one who stands on the stairs ? #
I don't think you like each other much . #
When you walk past each other gives it and Warren sorts of gives it #
Er ? #
Where ? #
Come here Jane . #
I've gotta talk to you anyway . #
I'm gonna get you ! #
Del ! #
Come on ! #
I love the way she does that , she goes so stupid ! #
You actually think I wanted you ? #
I love that ! #
I love grabbing hold of your chubbiness . #
The kitten's gone crazy . #
Thanks Del , thanks The kitten's gone crazy . #
No , totally I mean it . #
Totally and utterly . #
You know what she done this morning ? #
She jumped onto my bed , right ah , listen to this . #
Just listen right . #
Lick the erm thing . #
No , she jumped on my bed and when she gets on top of you she thinks she's some little baby . #
And she grabs hold of my tee-shirt and she sucks it ! #
Thinking it's a teat , you know . #
And she's sitting there going all over your tee-shirt but you can't li you can't tell her to get off cos it's so cute , you know , she's sitting there she's going like it's so cute ! #
And this morning she jumped on my neck and I was sleeping and I woke up , you know what she does while she's doing it ? #
She goes like this with her paws You know how they come in and out and they #
and they're going in my neck but I don't wanna turn over cos she'll fall off the bed and I'm sort of going just on me and she's really funny . #
She sits there she goes and she stops and you're just about to go to sleep and she goes so loud ! #
And yesterday she jumped over the balcony right and Jones was sitting there . #
Jones went like that to her and she's , Cat's following her you know and then Jones got up on the wall and Cat was looking at her and Cat was going like that and Jones was going chee chee like that and then , you know the fence there ? #
You #
know there's a gap underneath it ? #
I went to get her and she ran underneath the gap . #
So I ran all the way round and coming ! #
She went to run back underneath it . #
There's me don't you dare th she stopped . #
And she looked at me like that . #
I goes don't you dare , you little cat ! #
And I picked her up . #
I picked her up by her neck and I said you bitch and she goes when you put your face up close to her she goes and puts her ears back and goes like that to your face . #
So cute ! #
She's stupid though , she's dumb , she ain't got a brain . #
She don't possess one . #
She's so dumb ! #
She's like you . #
You're dumb too . #
But you're cute ! #
I've gotta take her for another injection . #
Soon . #
She's allowed out now though . #
You should see her . #
Every time you open the door it's quick , the kitten's coming ! #
Shut the door !she's coming towards the door ninety miles an hour . #
You shut the door . #
A couple of times she's been standing behind a door , open it , smash her brains in . #
And the toilet , cos there's no carpet she can stick her paws under the toilet . #
I'm sitting there , my foot was near the toilet , all you see was this big claws come out digging into my toe there's me aargh ! you stupid She's mad ! #
Della ! #
I swear your dog needs something . #
Oh no , that's rude . #
Oh I've gotta change the earphones these one's are hurting . #
Huh ? #
Pardon ? #
Oh , bye ! #
Did you say goodnight ? #
Did you say goodnight ? #
Do you want me to go ? #
Oh good ev I thought you meant go away ! #
All right , how are you ? #
I hate these earphones but the other ones hurt my ears . #
Can we gob on her from up here ? #
I think I look such a div with these things on , they make me look so stupid ! #
Let's raid Mr 's house . #
Go in and nick all his chocolate . #
Yes . #
Let's give it #
It's cos he smokes too much . #
I hate it when you walk past someone goes right in front of you and you sort of give it you don't care if he's ten feet tall you just look at him like this and you see this nasty greeny . #
Well they got this erm , greenies ! #
Look at my greeny ! #
And they go I think it's disgusting ! #
It's different if #
Yeah , through their teeth ! #
It must all get caught up on their teeth . #
But like it's different if you've got a really bad cold and sometimes you have to , you can't like sometimes you can hide it but I don't go in front of someone I always do it discreetly . #
I do it to Georgina sometimes . #
I go up to her and I go cos it makes her sick but I'm not actually doing it I'm just making the sound . #
this Turkish man in front of me #
Through his nose innit ? #
Listen , my cousin does , sometimes he goes , watch this through his nose . #
There's this big green thing come out of his nose ! #
He simply went through his nose there's me wah it come out like a bullet innit ? wisht like that . #
nasty and they and they just get it off innit and tie a little knot . #
Cos I hate it when you see someone being sick . #
They go . #
I watched erm , you know Warren ? #
He was being sick right and he was hanging over the banisters like this these flats and I couldn't stop laughing . #
He was being sick , right , and I couldn't all his face was I couldn't stop laughing . #
Cos I hate being sick you know . #
Cos sometimes it comes through your nose , innit ? #
Don't it come through your nose on you . #
I was talking about it the other day and you go and it all comes , it hurts and , and it comes out and you can't even hold it down either cos it just comes in your mouth dribbles out the side . #
Yeah , cos that taste comes in your mouth . #
Yeah , and you , that taste there's always a taste in my mouth and then I can feel it pushing its way up . #
Listen #
And then , what was it , the big disush , discussion in Science , cos we always have a big discussion in Science , what was it today , spiders . #
Spid I remember when me and my Mum had to catch one in a fishing net and throw it down the toilet cos my Dad weren't there and it was about that big ! #
This woman was well one of my friends was looking at erm at tree moths , she collects tree moths , don't ask me why . #
She turned it over , a spider as big as your dinner plate . #
There's me ! #
Cos every time I hear a spider I always grab onto someone . #
I go like that with my feet . #
Yeah , like somebody else , like , you're walking down the street , like , you're in a house and , and you check it for a minute and you're like #
I went into a toilet and there was none and I sat down on the toilet , looked up , they were all above the door , five of them ! #
There's me ! #
Got up . #
Didn't even go , bother go to the toilet ! #
I was busting ! #
Dad ! #
My Dad come in , there's me running out while my Dad's by the door in case one of them jumped I'm so scared of spiders I hate them ! #
Do you remember when there used to always be some on the wall there when you cou we wouldn't walk down the stairs cos in case they got us . #
And we used to throw books at them . #
Go away ! #
Yeah and we used to spray water over them . #
no , but the spiders , I remember that one that got , was on the daddy-longlegs and he was just sitting there and he wouldn't move and no one would walk down the stairs , so we were just giving it pouf pouf and all throwing things at him trying to get him to go . #
I'm sure he knew we were trying to get rid of him because he wouldn't go ! #
He just stood there . #
He's looking at us , probably thinking I think and you know my cousin , Lee ? #
He had one and he just let it run across his hand , a big hairy one , just let it run across his hand , all up his arm , playing with it and people think I'm sick for having pet rats ! #
And my cousin's sitting with a spider mhm nice little spider nasty ! #
I can understand like you picking one up to get rid of it if you're not scared of it , but playing with one , keeping it as a pet ! #
He feeds it . #
He used to feed it moths cos they were gonna have a spider race and he called it Rhinoceros . #
Yeah ,m my Dad and my erm cousin . #
They were gonna , my Dad said yeah well my one , no , my Dad's one was called Rhino and the other one was called Elephant and their one died . #
They kept it in a butter dish and kept feeding it moths and things . #
Nasty ! #
So I hate like the winter . #
That's when they start to come in . #
And they come and then flying daddy longlegs . #
And they come flying #
And have you ever had er , erm , ever had er a fly fly into your eye or your mouth or something ? #
The little greenfly ! #
They do it , innit ? #
They do it #
You're talking , you're talking , you're talking and they go , they go , yeah , and it just goes , it goes , a mouth !just goes wisht in your mouth . #
you go . #
I'm sure they do it on purpose though . #
Look , there's an eye . #
Ah ! #
And it gets stuck in your eye and you go , you go ah ! #
I remember when a bee was in my hair I'm running ah ! #
That was your stupid old Max ! #
He used to grab my ponytail and rip my head off ! #
I'm just sitting there thinking your dog's I used to hate your dog , man . #
I used to love him but I hated the way he done that to my hair . #
He used to #
Do remember weedy Roly ? #
Roly , my dog . #
The weedy one . #
Oh ,he was funny , man . #
When he used to chase his tail and I remember I was walking I was walking round the shops with him and there's this big alsatian and Roly was giving it cos you know how scared he was of dogs it was barking at him ! #
And then the dog got further up the road and started ruff , ruff ruff ! #
And er , and he thought he was all hard , right and he was walking , I know he's a dog but he , he , he knows , you know what I mean , and he walked past the shop and the dog come out the shop you should've seen my wisht up in my arms Couldn't stop laughing . #
And Rufus the other day , my brother and sister all going up to Sheila , the dog's right there , I'm going hi ! #
The dog goes wuff wuff ! #
This is my brother and sister , ah !couldn't stop laughing . #
Innit ? #
I know , you see him , he's walking and you see him , he's going ruff , ruff and she's going and I thought , no , man , I don't care if I'm friends with her no I'm not going near her with the dog . #
And she's giving it , do you want a chocolate bar ?it's poison I break it in half and give it to Geraldine first . #
I hate her . #
I don't know why she comes round mine . #
she threw my jacket so I thought how am I gonna get my jacket come and get my jacket . #
I hate them ! #
Yeah , she gave me a Crunchie and I thought I bet it's poison so I broke it in half gave them a bit , watched them eat it , gave it five minutes and then eat mine ! #
I weren't eating it until #
I hate them ! #
I know ! #
Hanging about for Kevin #
But they they always come and knock for me and you know they kicked that , you it was them that kicked down the walls ? #
Them walls there with Wyon and #
that lot . #
Yeah . #
And Wyon go she goes no it weren't me , it weren't me . #
Listen , I goes , I don't care who it was but you better not come and knock for no more because my Mum's screwing with you . #
And she come knocking for me about two month's later . #
I was washing my Dad's car , she got the hosepipe , put it over me . #
She was going out to a party , I got a bucket of water , threw it over her head ! #
She was going out to a party . #
And she got me again , cos I wasn't bothered if she got me , you know what I mean , cos I , I was in my house I could get changed quickly and it was hot . #
So I just got another bucket , threw it over her head , stuck the hose up her jumper , believe , she had to go home . #
She , she weren't going partying till she got changed . #
I was cracking up so hard . #
Only thing I was screwing about was , she got my trainers all wet and I was going you bitch , they're the only pair I got , the decent pair ! #
And she's got got the bucket of water and I went boosh ! #
She went , no don't ! #
And I said , no I won't , I walked past her and I went boosh over her head . #
There's me , got her on the phone . #
Listen to me , I goes , if you push me again I'll grab your tit and pull it off . #
So she goes , no you won't ah ! #
I couldn't stop laughing . #
Donna's ? #
No , the fat one is . #
You wouldn't think so would you ? #
No , wait a minute ! #
Yeah , the fat one's Donna's sister and Geraldine used to be best friends with Kelly and she lives in Big Ben . #
She knows Jane and that lot . #
And she's a bit of a slag . #
She don't really , you know , I mean she's got a bit of a reputation . #
I suppose everyone has but I hear about her a lot . #
In school and everything . #
Pardon ? #
The skinny one . #
But , like Geraldine's two-faced cos she's always giving it like erm , to other people , I don't like Lucy , the one she hangs about with , I only hang about with her cos I feel sorry for her . #
Do you know what I mean ? #
It's so stupid . #
No she goes to Our Lady's Convent . #
She goes to Our Lady's Convent . #
A girl like that . #
I reckon the nuns beat her you are not to go out with boys ! #
Boosh ! #
Oh . #
Have you seen Kelly lately ? #
shave up head , she's got a haircut like Donna . #
Have you seen Donna's hair ? #
It's not like , have you seen it ? #
Donna's one ? #
Have you seen Kelly's one ? #
Kelly's one is like , I only got a glimpse of it , but I'm sure it's like Donna's one . #
Gone and spoilt her hair , man . #
She was so pretty , innit ? #
She was getting tall , nice blue eyes and then she goes and does that . #
It looks alright , but it looked better when it was long . #
Not when it was permed , just when it was long and blonde . #
And Kelly's looked better when it was short and curly . #
Shave off the head #
Who ? #
Kelly ? #
Yeah . #
Think so . #
She's got a reputation too . #
I mean , the difference is , I've never heard anything about Donna , do you know what I mean ? #
Nobody's ever said but with Kelly , people have said things to me . #
With Ian ? #
I mu I mean I must admit , must admit . #
Yeah #
Yeah . #
Late I must admit lately I haven't seen her with , I haven't #
haven't seen her with him . #
I must admit . #
But I haven't seen her with him for ages ! #
And I haven't really seen his car a lot lately either . #
If I think about it I haven't seen him at all . #
I haven't seen him at all . #
An I saw Kelly about two week's ago , no , about a month ago . #
Yeah , I think so yeah . #
She hangs about with some erm half-ca I think she's black but she , she's light . #
I don't know if she's half-caste but #
but she liv I saw her Nan the other day and like her Nan , I don't cos her Nan always invites me round . #
She goes , come round and see me ! #
I goes , with Kelly ? #
I don't talk to Kelly no more . #
I goes , she goes , yeah , you two were really close and then you just , her Kelly , her Nan doesn't obviously know that Kelly's a little bitch , do you know what I mean ? #
Cos it was Kelly that like , said , yeah , you're my best friend , do you know what I mean , and then made me say Kelly's my best friend , do you know what I mean ? #
Cos I used to look up to her cos she was older than me . #
So I don't think her Nan really knows that Kelly does it to loads of people , do you know , cos she was Geraldine's best friend , Katie's best friend . #
She was #
I don't know she just , she , she goes you're too immature . #
Cos you know how I hang about with you lot a lot when I was younger and we used to like climbing roofs and everything , she goes you're too immature . #
She started this water fight with Kevin , she was throwing wet tissue at him and cos I got good at it she goes you're too immature . #
I goes right then . #
She goes you'd better go . #
I said yeah I will . #
And I walked out and then she didn't call me and I didn't call her and that was it . #
Simple at that . #
Cos my Mum wouldn't let me call her . #
She goes you're not calling her up again . #
No way ! #
She looks like she's desperate . #
No , but Donna , Donna , it looks alright on Donna , but Kelly just looks Been going Georgie's lately getting all posters off of him . #
I got erm , Hand That Rocks The Cradle , Universal Soldiers and and he was offering me all Jean Claude Van Damm ones #
You know the one where her top's ripped open you can see her leg . #
that one . #
He was offering me that one . #
And he's got all nude pictures . #
There's me , I was going , you dirty man ! #
I goes you hang it up in your shower , innit ? #
He goes yeah . #
He goes do you wanna come and see ? #
Listen to me , I goes no thanks . #
Such a pervert ! #
He's always got young girls in there with him . #
I wanna know what he does ! #
But he's always #
Here , I mean I've seen like , ten-year-old girls in there , but really pretty ten-year-old girls , you know what I mean , blue eyes and blonde hair from them flats . #
And you go in there and they give you dirty looks , you know . #
And you're looking at a video and they sit there looking at you like that #
Yeah , I think so . #
Yeah , I think I have . #
I don't like it when they're sitting on the floor in front of the counter with their legs like that and they're sitting there and you're looking at the video and you think , well , I can't get that because that was made in nineteen-eighty-six and they might think I'm a bit weedy , so I better get something that was made recently . #
That's why when I , when I go round the video shop on my own I usually go Jordans . #
Cos I don't like going in there on my own I feel intimidated . #
He's alright to talk to but he's such a little pervert ! #
You see him , cos he's , Nick goes can I have a poster ?no , they're only for erm the prettiest girl in Clapton and he shook my hand and sort of giving it yeah ,before he drags me behind the counter ! #
But he had all these nudy pictures . #
Because I wanted Aliens three . #
If you can get an Aliens three poster for me I'll pay you for it . #
One where the Alien's at her face . #
But erm , and I was looking through all these posters and most of them were of nude women ! #
And I said , George , ain't you got any nude men ? #
I said because at least you could have some nude men for me ! #
And listen , he goes , yeah , I've got nude men hanging up in my shower , he goes , do you wanna come ? #
That was what he said , he said they're hanging up in my shower , do you wanna come and see them ? #
Listen , I goes , yeah , anytime . #
Cos Shelley was there . #
And Shelley was a joke , man . #
She goes in there , she's sitting looking at him like that , she just stares at him . #
Just to make sure , you know what I mean ? #
When anyone's like that with me or with one of my friends she just sits there looking at you because , cos she's big , she's kind of threatening sometimes , you know what I mean ? #
She's sitting there with a fag hanging out her mouth . #
She just sits there staring at him saying you make any funny moves you'll see what you get . #
Oh Shelley's She's erm , she's on a diet . #
She's lost about three stone . #
It's good . #
I mean , you probably wouldn't see it but I can see it , she's losing it . #
Cos she's quite pretty actually if she lost weight . #
I'm gonna get her to go jogging with bin liners strapped to her bum ! #
I could listen , I'd go , why's her bum so crinkly , like , when Jane comes . #
This is Jane , she's got a bin liner to make her bum sweat I thought she needs it . #
I don't know why your sister bothers she's alright . #
She just needs to cut back on her chocolate . #
She love her chocolate , innit ? #
Went to see Forever Young with Mel Gibson , the one where he's frozen for fifty years and then he wakes up in #
It was really good . #
The make-up was wicked ! #
You , you'd like that . #
And I'm gonna go and see Sommersby . #
Sommerby with Jodie Foster and Richard Gere . #
The #
I've never loved anyone the way I love you ! #
Like that . #
I like Jodie Foster . #
I like her in The Silence of the Lambs . #
Have you seen that ? #
Oh it was good . #
He was good in it too #
Did you see French and Saunders do it ? #
It was good that . #
Innit ? #
When he takes the man's face he puts it , ah , it was so bad ! #
I #
I'd just read the book as well . #
The book's better than the film cos it's got more detail in it . #
But that was nasty man , he wants to make her tit Urgh ! #
And when he's dancing he takes his clothes off and , and he's pinned up and he's going like and he's going #
and he's going like urgh ! #
And going Precious darling !she goes #
I'm gonna kill your dog you son of a bitch ! #
He goes , look , I'm breaking its leg and he's going precious , precious ! #
I couldn't stop laughing . #
The little dog's going This little dog was mad , man , did you see it ? #
It was so ugly I would've #
kicked it if I saw it . #
Same as Chris's chihuahua . #
I'd , I'd love to kick it . #
I'd love to kick her dog . #
He's so tiny ! #
I feel so sorry for it you know , up at that house with all them big fat balls of , of fat . #
They've probably stepped on it enough times . #
And have you heard it crying at night ? #
Right , on the balcony I can see it ruff , ruff , #
Yeah , I don't think they keep it out there all night . #
But it's out on the balcony a lot . #
Cos I'm in bed right , cos sometimes I go , in the week it depends how I feel like , tonight I'll probably go to bed about about half-ten or eleven cos I'm gonna watch Ruby Wax and sometimes #
Della ! #
I hate that when my dog does that when he don't listen to me and somebody else calls him . #
But tonight I'll prob tomor like yesterday I went to bed at about ten and you can hear it calling out , crying out there . #
I have to go to bed early and then Mum gets me up in the morning she's going get up ! #
First my alarm clock #
goes off #
and Mum goes get up ! #
And I , I use , I like #
Innit ? and , and it's all , like when you get in at night it's #
and then you get in the morning #
and it's all warm and , and you get out #
and it's freezing even in summer and you just have to get under them blankets for another five minutes ! #
cos my alarm clock goes off at half-seven , it goes cockle-doodle-doo ! #
And you push it and she goes good morning ! #
And you go shut up ! #
And then my Mum goes , eight o'clock I still ain't up , my Mum goes get out of bed . #
get out of bed . #
Innit ? #
You have to go miles ! #
Here's my Mum , she goes , get out of bed . #
Get out of bed . #
Get out of bed ! #
Or she gets the kitten and puts it on my face and the kitten sits there going get off me ! #
Or you get Sam going can I play your gameboy ? #
Boosh , round your head ! #
And you're going yes . #
Can I break your computer ? #
Yes , break it ! #
Leave me ! #
Easter , eight o'clock , half-seven my brother and sister are looking for Easter eggs in the house . #
goes , this one's for you . #
Thanks . #
He's putting them on the side , like , I'm asleep in bed , he goes this one's for you . #
Thanks . #
He's just putting , just putting , I got three eggs , I was just putting them on the bed I couldn't be bothered with them then . #
Thanks , just put them down . #
Cos I don't really like chocolate . #
You , I'll bring up some of my eggs , you can have some of them cos I don't really like , I only like chocolate bars I don't like chocolate . #
he goes , this is for you this is me , thanks . #
Just put it on the side That's rude . #
All right , Moss ? #
It was funny though wasn't it ?just taking them , it was good , it was so funny . #
And you know Easter after the two weeks , right ? #
I couldn't get up ! #
On Monday to go to school I could not get up ! #
Cos you know my , #
my brother and sister went away for the week , right , #
on Sunday . #
Can you imagine my flat for a whole week to myself ? #
You should've come and knocked for me cos you could've come in and played computer and everything . #
I , cos I go to , Monday Tues yeah , Monday Kerry come down #
and he was playing computer with me and I meant to come up to you . #
Cos usu when they go away , cos they're not going away this weekend , but when they go away you should come down cos the flat's quiet and I ain't got nothing to do , sit and play my computer . #
And it was just so brilliant ! #
I could leave everything lying about on the floor and nothing would get broken ! #
I could leave a Madonna tape in the middle of the room and no one would rip it ! #
I'd sit and watch it , you know , just put it there , sit and watch it . #
It was brilliant ! #
I could watch telly and actually hear what Jim was saying in Neighbours . #
It was amazing ! #
I've never , I've never ever heard Jim's voice before . #
Never ! #
Cos every time Jim talks #
or my sister gives it Sam ! #
Let go of my hair ! #
And he's pulling her EastEnders today this child is mad ! #
You know them hopper things you bounce on , the round balloon thing ? #
She's got one , it's flat , it's not flat but it's kind of deflated , she's getting er , doing handstands on it and she's going my head , it's my head #
My brother's , my brother's doing a handsta er sitting on his head on the chair . #
He's going , Jo , don't leave me on my head all night , and I'm going , shut up ! #
And Mum's going , don't talk to him like that , and I'm going , they're driving me mad ! #
They get up at eight o'clock in the morning and say ,Jo , I want my cereal . #
And you say how many Weetabix do you want , one ? #
No , no , no , two . #
Sam , how many Weetabix do you want , one ? #
Make up you bloody mind ! #
And say I want Rice Crispies You pour the Rice Crispies no , no , Cornflakes I don't want no sugar on them today . #
I do want sugar , I can't have them now they've gone all soggy in the water , in the milk ! #
Oh god ! #
You just want to tell them to go home ! #
Go , go away from me ! #
You're so lucky ! #
Yeah . #
But I like , you know the weekend , Saturday ? #
I love getting up , I like , I used to like getting up Saturday cos the cartoons were on . #
But when Sam I could put it on in the bedroom and sit and watch it and Sunday , I get up on Sundays and that that cat's ugly I get up Sundays now because Grange Hill's on . #
Have you seen it ? #
The #
first ever series of Grange Hill with #
Mark out of EastEnders . #
I get up to watch that now cos I , and The Rut , The Rug Rats , the little baby and his , I think that's so funny . #
It's a little cartoon , it's just cheap and enj like Bart Simpson kind of . #
Have you seen it ? #
It's kind of stupid but it's kind of funny if you know what I mean cos the baby don't talk and as soon as the Mum and Dad's out of the room it's let's go and find the chocolate . #
It's so funny . #
But oh , erm your dog's attacking a car I just thought I'd tell you . #
Shadow . #
Oh that's good , cos Dempsey'll stay in there for ages now if she pisses all over there . #
Dempsey , oh , cos by the wall , right , and you know how he digs up the floor #
when he's finished ? #
I walked past , mouthful of dirt ! #
Where Dempsey's kicking dirt up in my face so I go , what're you doing ? #
Looks at me and he goes I hate him so much ! #
Innit ? #
And they're just looking at you ! #
And they're just looking at you and your Mum s your Mum wants you to take him out properly , walk him down the street and you've sneaked him outside and they're just looking at you like this #
With that , with that expression and like when a cat you go puss puss puss to a cat #
and you're calling it for ages but you can't go near it cos it will run away and it goes like this to you , it goes #
and it goes like that and it goes #
yeah , and it cuts its eye at you and then you go to get it , it goes I'll jump , I'll bloody jump . #
I got a cat trapped up here , right , it was chasing Jones and I goes I got you now , and he jumped over the wall . #
From here , listen , I goes I've got you now . #
This is the cat over the wall and I hate , Jones always #
Mm ? #
Yeah ! #
I it , and it jumped back up and , it didn't jump back up , it jumped , what it done is it ran down that bit of the wall and jumped . #
And Jane , this is Jane to me the other day , throw your kitten off my floor and see if it lands on its feet . #
I hate it cos when I call Jones she stands on the wall like that , right . #
She's sitting down #
and you go to her and she just looks at you like , I'll come , and you go ,and you go closer #
and you go Jones , come here and you come here ! #
She goes like that , she cuts her eye at you , right . #
She'll go up to you and she goes she looks at you like that and her eyes are all wide ,sh sh she's looking down at the wall like that to make sure it's all clear , you know what I mean ? #
She's going she's looking at you and you go , come here , you take a step further and she gives you a dirty look and then she waits until you're that close and then she jumps ! #
So the other day , you know what I done ? #
I jumped over the other side of the wall , so if she jumps she'd have to #
I walked up to her , you know what she done ? #
She jumped the other way round and ran all the way round the back . #
I hate cats ! #

That was , that was what erm Dempsey done to Jane and Mussy . #
You when American Werewolf come on T V for the first time ? #
And you gotta admit that was scary , that film , even #
when I watch it now I get scared , especially the bit when she goes like that and he goes aargh I get , I get scared . #
Yeah . #
Right , well , you know how Dempsey used to scratch on the door ? #
Well we weren't in and Dempsey always used to go up to Jane , right ? #
So Mussy and that lot had just watched American Werewolf and they hear outside . #
Oh no . #
Della ! #
Come here ! #
wag it ? #
Goes to say #
Don't beat me ! #
Innit ? #
And here's me , I'm looking at him , she's going you're so cool you beat your dog , innit ? #
I don't . #
It's the kitten I beat up ! #
You know , I pick the kitten up I throw it in the air , catch it , #
I go like that with it wooo ! #
I get her head , put it in my mouth . #
I get her head and you know Beetlejuice when he goes I gotta show you it cos sometimes she's , she's not alert and when she's like that it looks wicked cos he goes and her ears are like that she goes and I get her to play the banjo and she goes it's wicked ! #
I just get her arms I go like that with her arm , right , and she just lets you do it , she just looks at you and says you're fucking mad and walks away . #
You're playing with her right , and then you've finished and you put her down and she looks at you she goes , bloody sick ! #
She walks away and poufs her tail out like that . #
You think go away , you mutt ! #
I hate animals . #
I hate Nicky and Squeak as well . #
Nicky just sits there giving it Squeak's face , Squeak grabs her foot Squeak goes they start tumbling all about the cage , you can hear boof , boof , boof ! #
Yeah , but they always fight . #
You know how we used to always fight and then , well they turn round , I didn't mean to smash your face in . #
It's alright , Josie , I didn't mean to break your arm , do you know what I mean ? #
And then Squeak's so sneaky , I probably told you this where she gets Nicky and starts cleaning her . #
Nicky loves it when Squeak cleans her , right , my rats and she gives it and Nicky's getting all and there's Squeak going #
in her neck and then , and then it's all quiet right . #
Say you're sleeping in the front room , as soon as you turn the light out and there's no sound they don't shut up . #
I'm sure they pick things up and throw them at each other . #
I swear they're so loud it's like it's like you know when you kick through a big pile #
of , big pile of leaves , it's like that . #
Trying to sleep through a hurricane innit ? #
It was nasty . #
It was like that night when I woke up and the hurricane was there , I couldn't turn my lights on or nothing I was shitting myself . #
Yeah . #
Remember when that tree fell down and it banged on Shelley's window and Shelley was giving it ah ! #
And Shelley come back with a knife . #
She goes I'm gonna kill Mussy ! #
No this is me , I was sitting in my bedroom cos I didn't , Sam and Fern weren't there innit ? #
I was in the bedroom on my own . #
And I could hear and I could hear and I turned the light on and it wouldn't come on ! #
And my hands were going like this and I looked at my clock and it was about six o'clock and it was still pitch black because it jump back into bed . #
As simple as that . #
I got back into bed , put the quilt over my head , turned over , I went to sleep . #
I didn't even bother wake up when the alarm clock went I just left it ringing . #
My Mum had to come in and turn it off . #
Same as when Thriller first come out . #
I had to sleep with the light on . #
So Mum she come turn it off But man , no when the hurricane come and Shelley come back with that knife , I'm gonna kill Mussy , I'm gonna kill Mussy . #
Shelley , we're trying to eat our cheese on toast . #
I said I'm gonna kill Mussy . #
I'm gonna kill him . #
You know he , he kicked her , she come back sitting there with a knife , I'm gonna kill Mussy . #
That was funny . #
I've gotta show you that picture , it's that big , across the leg all blood dripping down off it . #
Rufus just went looked like a vampire attacked her . #
Dempsey had tried to take on two dogs that he knocked out his tooth . #
Knocked out his big canine tooth . #
He's only got one now . #
You know the big #
he's only got one now . #
He tried to take two dogs on . #
Just , the dog just went knocked its collar and the tooth dropped out . #
cos he's got brown teeth as well . #
I'm not brushing Dempsey's teeth he'll bite my hand off ! #
This is the vet to me he goes your dog's got brown teeth you got to brush it brush the teeth banged his tooth with the collar , he had a metal collar #
Dempsey's tooth there's all blood coming out of his mouth I said see , serves you right . #
sympathetic cos he was kicking the shit out of him . #
Stupid dog ! #
And he tried to attack a pit bull . #
Pit bull . #
Round the shops . #
He had a long-life lead on and I tried to grab the long-life lead it burnt all my hand and he tried to attack the pit bull . #
Luckily the man had the pit bull on a lead . #
Kicked the shit out him . #
I kicked him home I swear . #
I kicked him and the long-life lead just come I kicked him again . #
Bastard . #
That's what they do in that film . #
The dog bends over . #
Shelley blows smoke in her dog's face . #
Yeah . #
She gets a smoke cos her , her brother smokes stuff and sometimes he gives it to her and she blows it in her dog's face . #
And then she tried to put it in the washing machine for a joke and the dog was gonna get in . #
The dog's so stupid . #
Shelley's dog does that anyway . #
That's what Roy done , you know why , he come into my house and I goes you better not come in my door he'll attack you . #
And he goes , no I won't . #
I let him use the toilet . #
I goes , you better get out now and I tried to hold Dempsey back and he goes , he goes , that dog won't bite me , dogs love me . #
Dempsey run up bit his leg open . #
He went and all his leg was bleeding . #
I goes you better get a tetanus cos God knows what Dempsey's got . #
That's like some boys done in my school and they got caught and then they weren't allowed to go to the disco . #
And they had big rocket things and they were throwing them . #
One of them just missed the teacher's head . #
And they brought them flick-knife combs . #
You know when you flick them out and the teachers took them off of them . #
Cos they said , one boy , a boy , a police officer the other times thought he saw a boy with a knife and he shot him . #
So they took it off of him . #
They thought they were all smart #
That cat won't come in , she never comes in the stupid bitch ! #
She just sits there at me . #
When your dogs were chasing her . #
Teachers , teachers , #
all the teachers got drunk on the first night in France . #
They come in singing out about twelve o'clock . #
And they took all the shandy out of the machine . #
They told the people in France . #
I don't #
know why , just shandy . #
So then they would take the shandy out of the machine cos we were listening , cos everyone kept drinking all the shandy . #
Cans of drink were naff expensive over there out of the machine ! #
Those stingy cunts . #
I couldn't speak French if I tried . #
No one could speak French on that French trip not even the teachers . #
That's so stupid , innit ? #
Yeah , there was one French teacher who wanted to come , they wouldn't let her come . #
They had a Spanish man there and another teacher , none of them spoke French . #
Nobody spoke , Mr spoke a little bit of French but he spoke Spanish fluently . #
I mean I knew just as much as him . #
Bonjour , Au revoir ! #
I don't know , know , the man who owned the hotel we were staying in knew English . #
We didn't get food anyway we just eat French bread all week ! #
They made some shitty food ! #
Their cheese stunk like You know how sweaty socks stink ? #
Real bad sweaty socks . #
The cheese stunk like that . #
How can you eat food that stinks ? #
And they had all this on top of it and everything , so everyone just eat bread . #
Just bread ! #
That's all we got , bread and water . #
We got bread , no we got bread and then the only time we got chips was in the middle of the week . #
You should've seen people yamming down their chips . #
I've never seen people eat chips , cos you know how you get sick of chips sometimes , we's shovelling down the chips down and coke , proper coke they were drinking . #
I'd have been shitting myself ! #
You lot waste out all my tape , that's good . #
Where , where ,wh Boys' Club ? #
When we went camping , the girls aren't so depressing . #
The girls and the boys all camping together . #
Some girl's going out with a boy , he zipped her tent up over them and she was so shocked she pulled her trousers down by accident . #
She had nothing on underneath . #
I've gotta go anyway , I'll see you later . #
Come on then , hit me with it , Mum . #
How does it go ? #
How does it go ? #
Come on Mum ! #
Come on ! #
No , come on ! #
Beep you baby ! #
Yes you would . #
Wo ! #
I nearly had that on tape ! #
Wo ! #
That would've been good . #
Having #
Poor kitten , Mum . #
Don't pretend you don't smoke cos you do . #
Don't try it ! #
Why are you wrapping wires round your neck ? #
Oh yeah ! #
Come on , Jane . #
Advertise your business on , on , you know , on tape . #
Where are the tapes going back to ? #
Norway ?gotta go that far . #
The microwave ! #
Jane , we don't have a microwave ! #
Microwave , microwave , Jane . #
Look ! #
See what I mean ! #
See what I have to put up with ! #
Eleven-twenty and I gotta go to bed ! #
I'm fourteen ! #
Yeah , I believe you #
Exactly ! #
Yeah and I bet they were all asleep weren't they , Jane , by quarter-past . #
No they weren't . #
Er ? #
I don't want to . #
Go on Jane ! #
You know what you wanna say ! #
You don't wanna say what a #
Have you put any alarms in yet ? #
My Mum works for Jane in there , in the alarm business and Jane paid me five pounds . #
And when I worked for her boss he only paid me a fiver ! #
And I Queensbank and he wouldn't even give me more than a fiver ! #
To do all the wire . #
Jane , do you realise you're totally boring ! #
I'm not taping your conversation . #
Oh , he's done the installation date wrong ! #
Oh God ! #
Can't have that ! #
There's never any pens in this house ! #
Don't say we're poor on tape ! #
Go to Norway and listen to it , oh hey up , this family's poor ! #
No they don't , but it was the only accent I could think of at the time . #
I can do a Swedish impression . #
Ya , Swedish . #
Swedish . #
Jesus ! #
Where , don't you know how much these screws crossed ! #
What is it my Mum ever said , I can't , can't , what was it Mum ? #
I think my Mum , say I can't affeed to ford you . #
And she was supposed to say I can't afford #
to feed you . #
Jane gives it I'll shoot you with my machete . #
I say I'll just unplug the wall . #
What are you looking at ? #
What are they ? #
Yeah , but break and then you're #
I don't know ! #
Has got an alarm ? #
Did you put them in ? #
Jane's #
Saying it ain't my business ? #
My firm , that's my Mum that is . #
Mum ,Question Time . #
It's better for your health ! #
And you can say hey , my name's Louise . #
My husband wasn't nice to me and look how I turned out ! #
Well you can just look at him and do his voices , look ! #
Well , I , you know I totally dis I think Chinese is much better than like Indian , you know , because , you know , they just can't get the noodles just cooked right #
just like , you know , and it's bloody downright disgusting ! #
I , I mean , you know , #
I mean , you know , whenever have you ever known someone to get constipated from Chinese , you know , but it always happens at the Indian , always , always ! #
I mean it's just disgusting ! #
It's a blue box . #
What was that Jane , I didn't quite pick that up . #
Did you say ? #
Notice how it's all gone quiet now cos Jane can't take the pressure . #
See you can't even have a civilized con #
It ain't nothing to do with my school ! #
That was my Mum's best friend it weren't my Mum . #
Some stupid woman from upstairs . #
She just comes in , she's like Dorien out of Birds of a Feather , she just invites herself in , you know . #
Yeah , in fact , she's only got Steve ! #
Loo loo look ! #
Well , you know , you know I just , you know #
It's a bit #
Who'd you mean ? #
Edwina Curry ? #
Yeah . #
Was it my street ? #
Oh damn ! #
I was looking for the twenty-five pounds . #
Well anyway it doesn't matter cos you won't get twenty-five pounds anyway cos you said I could have it . #
Ooh ! #
What was that ? #
What was it ? #
Erwina Curry ! #
No ! #
No . #
That stupid kitten ! #
She can't leave the box alone ! #
Oh , stop it ! #
You lot are stinking this flat out . #

Jane #
Don't Mum . #
Jane ! #
Jane ! #
I like that bit cos she don't get him . #
We were talking about that today , because you know the bit where , this is Ghost by the way , you know the bit where the man jumps inside Whoopie Goldberg ? #
No , but wait , listen ! #
It was still her wasn't it ? #
It was her body ? #
Right . #
So when he jumps into her , what's the difference ? #
No , no , but I know that , but I'm saying that that's what I meant , that's what I meant . #
So really she wasn't dancing , she was dancing with Patrick Swayze's spirit but she #
was , so when she started kissing #
She does kiss him at the end . #
She does kiss cos we were talking about this in science . #
She kissed him #
and everyone's saying to me , no you know , she's kissing Pat Swayze it's something that happened . #
I said no that #
Patrick Swayze's dead ! . #
It's cos he #
And I was , I was laughing and it , everyone was going because it was Patrick Swayze but I was still seeing Whoopie Goldberg ! #
So I was laughing , I just thought , this is stupid ! #
It is stupid . #
No , she's not at all #
What the one behind the bar she goes out with him ? #
Mind you she's so funny . #
I like her in Jumping Jack Flash . #
I might be getting Sister Act on Saturday . #

Ooh ! #
No he don't . #
Mum ! #
He doesn't love you . #
He doesn't even know you . #
I don't know why she gets played , she got to play the leading role ? #
She was #
No , she was totally useless . #
They should've had someone completely better . #
Yeah , she was such a soppy little cow ! #
And when Whoopie Goldberg first come to her she didn't even believe her ! #
I would've believed her ! #
And I mean , when , when that man was in her house don't you think she would've changed the locks or something ? #
Stupid woman ! #
Deb ? #
Dib dub Okay I've gotta go to bed . #
Ni-night ! #
Sure you ain't got no more last comments ? #
As soon as I turn off you gonna start swearing , ain't you ? #
What's the difference between a tea bag and Arsenal ? #
A tea bag stays in the cup longer . #
Some little girl . #
I've got it on this tape about fifteen times cos everybody supports Arsenal , I said stays in the cup longer . #
Miss , I ain't got a diary I've gotta buy a new one . #
I've lost it . #
No , I've got a diary at home the one , cos I lost one , I bought another one and then I found the one I supposedly lost so I'll use that one . #
I'll get it off my shelf . #
Moi , moi , moi I ain't gotta do it till Monday . #
That's nasty . #
Disgusting , innit ? #
They were reading it down the tape and I had to tape it all . #
Dear Doctor Allen , I was with my dog and you read one yet ? #
That's , that was disgusting ! #
Yeah . #
They were disgusting ! #
She goes Dear Doctor Allen , My Mum and Dad went out the other day and I was bored so I started rubbing my dog and my dog got turned on and so did I . #
In fact I got turned on so much I come . #
No you were writing them ! #
You've got a disgusting mind ! #
And he's a Kylie Minogue fan . #
Urgh ! #
Snot rag ! #
It's your snot ! #
and then I flick them at people . #
Who watched Ruby Wax last night ? #
Did you watch Ruby Wax ? #
She's wicked ! #
Did you watch Ruby Wax ? #
No . #
Did you see Ruby Wax ? #
She she pushed , there was like ten men in a , like , six men in a row . #
She pushed the first one and they all started to fall face down . #
Do you know what I mean ? #
And she started running . #
She ran to the end of the queue and when the man fell flat , face down , he fell on top of her and she was going like that to the camera . #
Yeah , did , they , did , Joanna Lumley was supposed to , like , her husband was supposed to have left her and she was going mad , drinking and everything , right . #
She was drinking vinegar ! #
Squeezing it down her throat and everything . #
All these men started dancing with her and she couldn't believe it and she started dancing with them , right . #
And then sh like , you know how sometimes in the , an old dance routine they put a coat on the woman and everything , she's dancing and they bring this coat towards her and she goes like that and it's a straight jacket . #
Cos she's gone mad and they put it on her , right , and they , they're holding her and they're tapping out of the stage sidewards and she's sort of like going like this , she , she , thinks all these nice men'll love me and then like at the end of the show you see them , they're tapping her out of the studio and putting her into a van and she's still wearing a straight jacket and smiling at you . #
No . #
But she was cooking and she was going you take , she goes , she goes , some people like it a little bit on the side , you know , with their food , some people on the side . #
My husband wanted a little bit on the side #
She goes , she goes #
yeah , she goes let's have some French dressing . #
She goes everybody likes French dressing You should've watched it , it was really good . #
Tarts ! #
She's going really cheap tarts ! #
And she gets a cabbage and she's beating it up , was she ? #
Jennifer Saunders . #
Oh it was really good it was so funny . #
She was beating up the #
cabbage with a #
No , it ain't on that much . #
Ruby Wax is on that's all , the Full Wax . #
I love the beginning when she says , will you get out my way , please ? #
And she knocks the runner over . #
When it first come out , when it first come out I didn't mind it , but now I don't like it . #
Have you seen the video ? #
You know when the two men yeah they go , he goes like that at the end and then this week they went there's no business like show business at the end . #
No , you know when it , the video , there's two men on the fair ride , have you seen it ? #
And they're kissing each other #
They're not kissing each other , he goes like that , he put his arm round the other man and he kisses him like that . #
No , it's two men , innit ? #
And he puts , he puts his arm round him and he goes like , he's got his arm round him and squeezing him like that . #
He don't kiss him . #
Kissed him on the cheek . #
It was just bad enough having their arm round each other . #
Two men with their arm around each other . #
Don't like that . #
Cos it's only verses and then they go young at heart and then they go #
What , Bluebells ? #
I used to , gone off of it . #
I like the video . #
I do . #
It was good this week . #
Did you see it ? #
She , yeah , she ran away with him . #
Did you see it when he took his clothes off and he that #
When , you know when she got the gun and she was trying to kill him and he was saying ah ! #
And he's so , he's so #
It's on at about half four to five . #
About half-ten I think . #
Morning . #
On Sundays about half-ten , no quarter-to-eleven . #
Yeah , cos the Rug Rats are on first . #
I love watching that #
She looked really cute . #
I think she's really cute . #
But better . #

I didn't watch it , only saw Janet Jackson #
I watched , I only watched Janet Jackson . #
Did you watch that Australian thing ? #
The Australian family at half-nine . #
That was really good . #
Did you watch it ? #
Half-nine , it , it was erm , they show you a family that , it weren't , it's not no , it's not , not the set up thing , the thing where they've gone into the house with cameras and the people like , #
the documentary , yeah about Australian , three Australian families are in a street . #
They are ! #
She goes , she goes , she goes #
She goes though , he's not having a party so , he's invited thirty-five kids and , and they're all bringing their own friends , there's not gonna be enough room , he goes forget it then , I won't have the party . #
She goes no , it's his sixteenth birthday and you'll have a fucking party , Wayne . #
It was wicked ! #
I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him . #
I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him . #
It was really good . #
It's only fifteen . #
What ? #
That was funny though . #
I'm watching it again , you know , it was a joke . #
An Au An Australian family . #
It's really good . #
It's on half-nine or ten on one . #
It was really good . #
Mm ? #
Desmond thinks that he's the dad of thing cos he was so drunk that he slept with her but his mum #
In the holiday . #
I don't bother doing P E . #
Sometimes no I don't bring a kit in I just put a tracksuit on and if I do it I do it . #
If I don't I don't . #
But I'm not gonna do it today cos I wanna tape . #
I can't believe it ! #
I can't believe it ! #
I can't believe it ! #
Oh my god ! #
It's been a year today , you know , a year today with Sally . #
I can't believe it ! #
She's been going out with her boyfriend for a year today and they get on so well ! #
And you know what ? #
I reckon they're made for each other . #
I really do ! #
I can't believe it ! #
I'm so happy for you ! #
Honestly , I'm really happy for you ! #
No , cos he said it to me yesterday , he goes #
No , I haven't seen him yet . #
Oi !you slag ! #
Keep talking . #
Yeah . #
Oh right . #
Yeah . #
What cigarette business ? #
Yeah . #
Hi , Miss ! #
Miss , did you mark my work ? #
Miss ? #
Miss , didn't you mark it ? #
Miss , you didn't mark Miss ! #
Miss ! #
Miss , you didn't mark it . #
All right . #
Wait a minute ! #
Wait . #
I told her she could have my one cos it only had that much ink in it . #
Don't frighten me ! #
You know that really hurts my ears when you do that . #
Bang on the table . #
It hurts mine ! #
Plus I've got the microphone right next to me . #
When they're close to the microphone you stupid idiot ! #
Well if you're all the way over there and I'm talking to you I can hear my voice more . #
Yeah , but I can hear my voice louder than yours . #
Oh , I can hear that , you know , that hurts ! #
Ah ! #
And don't sing because that's even worse . #
No . #
Saying it'd been a year when it's been ten ! #
Then she'll get a little card . #
When it's been twenty she can get a present . #
James , come on , talk ! #
That was effective ! #
Oh , I've got my music folder ! #
Yeah . #
Oh , shut up ! #
She always gets me in trouble ! #
She always says I can't be bothered to play the piano , I can't play that and I have to make some shitty little tune up #
No you don't ! #
And I make up this #
rubbishy little tune , right , that don't make sense and she plays it and it's all me . #
Yes , I do bother ! #
Yes ! #
It is me . #
I always make up #
yes , it is . #
and she lost my most expensive pen down the back of the piano . #
Cos I don't care ! #
That little fart over there ! #
You Sara ! #
Oh shut up ! #
Ah ! #
You don't argue with Sara . #
Up your bum ! #
Da , da , da ! #
Bloody , bastard , buggery , bum , balls ! #
Can I have a piece of paper , please . #
No ! #
He wants another piece ! #
Bloody greedy ! #
That's what he is ! #
Oh , I see , two for me , two for you , two for for you ! #
I got two ! #
Ah ! #
Fucking lying bitch ! #
Sara ! #
I don't know , you tell me . #
And Sara ! #
You I will ! #
Look what she done ? #
When had her name up for detention she goes rub it off ! #
He goes no . #
She goes rub it off . #
She goes if you won't , I will ! #
You're too feisty and she didn't in the end , didn't she ? #
Up your bum ! #
It's on the mat . #
I know she that's a waste of paper ! #
That is a certain waste of paper ! #
You writ a title , you didn't like it so you're re-doing it . #
You lot always write your name in the wrong place . #
You're supposed to write your name in the margin . #
You are ! #
You are ! #
Oh , so you don't so told you the first year ! #
Name , date , title . #
What's the date ? #
It's all right , I know . #
I know ! #
You little short arse ! #
Little short arse ! #
What questions do we have to answer ? #
No , but , oh there's certain ones we're not supposed to answer . #
Janice ! #
Do we do question one ? #
Oh , so we do all the rest and we write them . #
Oh dear ! #
I'm so bored ! #
I wish someone would come and blow up the school for us . #
Wouldn't it be good ? #
What ? #
You'd kill me if I blew up the school ? #
Oh god ! #
That would be so funny if Sara died ! #
Oh , how you spell that ? #
Henry's , meow , Henry's , meow , na , na , Henry's cat , meow . #
Henry's , meow , Henry's meow , Henry's , Henry's cat , meow ! #
Used to like that . #
Who want's a game of golf ? #
Where's my pencil case ? #
Henry's , meow , Henry's #
No , I watch , I watch the Addams family . #
I don't know , have you got it ? #
I think so . #
Stupid little bitch ! #
Put it back ! #
You have ! #
Sara , get up ! #
Right , get up ! #
Shake about a bit . #
Janice , stand up ! #
Give me it , you little cow ! #
Ain't it right ? #
What's the next one ? #
E Japan's the healthiest country to live in . #
How can it be true ? #
When their health only seven ? #
Shelley ! #
Seven people #
It's not true . #
Oh , I could become American ,to America Is that true , Sara ? #
Brazil is a eventually in Mexico I could become a Mexican , way up to a Mexico , how do we get to a Mexico , jump to a Mexico ! #
How do we get to a Mexico , how do we get to a Mexico . #

Can't you see , me #

So who's the best out of the three ? #
What about the whole school or just our year ? #
This class ? #
Our year , our year . #
Best looking boy starting from the top . #
Right , all the schools #
That's too much , just our year from the bottom . #
Like the worst to the best . #
Three people , no five ! #
Right , the worst person , the ugliest person in our year . #
Yeah , five . #
Ugliest person in our year . #
Come on you two , think ! #
A pole . #
Abdullah . #
Abdullah's number , Abdullah's but the best looking No , I won't ! #
Right , the best looking white boy has gotta be . #
What what is the relationship with her ? #
Who do you think's the best looking boy ? #
Why aren't you doing know work Shelley ? #
We're not getting no where do you know that ? #
No , why aren't you doing nothing ? #
You're not ! #
You're not I'll fucking murder you ! #
Yeah that was it . #
It's nice innit ? #
So vain ! #
She nodded . #
How long have you been going out with Alan ! #
That isn't very nice . #
How long have you been going out with Alan ? #
How long have you been going out with Alan ? #
A year ! #
No , no , no . #
What are you doing ? #
Colouring what ? #
Nobody told me about a bar graph . #
It's time to pack up . #
Miss , have you marked my work yet ? #
She never listens to me . #
Miss !ooh er , ooh er , oops ! #
What ? #
Yeah . #
I'm going to the library though . #
Miss ! #
Miss have you marked Oh dear ! #
I wonder if she's marked my thing since Monday ? #
My assignment . #
No I wouldn't , you gotta come music with me , I'm not going music on my own . #
I do ! #
You lot ain't been in music , I have . #
I mind cos I love it . #
Ooh ! #
Ooh ! #
Miss , have you marked it yet ? #
Hear that ? #
My work You all right ? #
I got #
True , true , true . #
No , I hate Tech class . #
I hate Music too . #
In fact I hate most of my lessons . #
I , I only really like Humanities and English . #
set me free , all right I'm reading The Shining . #
I like Stephen King . #
Yeah , I like him too . #
Have you read It , Miss ? #
It does that as well , he comes up out #
It's a clown ! #
Yeah , it's a clown . #
And Misery #

She , she , she chopped his foot off him and blow torches afterwards . #
His leg while #
Miss ! #
Miss ! #
Have you seen It of video ? #
It's about three hours long . #
It's on two tapes . #
It's a bit boring though . #
Boring . #
Here you are , Jane ! #
What was that Stephen ? #
Good . #
Good . #
Good . #
He never knew I was an informer . #
Miss ! #
Miss . #
you've cracked it again now . #
Don't #
it breaks #
Yeah . #
Well , as far as I'm concerned Nick's a cunt . #
As simple as that . #
he he's he , he's a he's a user and he can't take it when he's dumped and he can't take being told the truth , like he's an idiot . #
And he likes to talk about you . #
And you know the thing , no wait a minute , the thing that gets me is you know when James fancied me ? #
Right , now it was obvious James fancied me . #
Now all I wanted was for James to ask me out and I would've when out with him you know . #
But Nick got in there first . #
But what pissed me off was , right , #
No , no , no , no , nothing like that . #
What pissed me off is , is he's hanging about with James and that lot now right , but when you talk about James and that lot to him its , oh they're a bunch of chiefs . #
Don't , no don't say anything because he comes back to me , it comes back onto me . #
It don't matter whether you say I won't say anything cos it always comes back . #
But he thinks Cathy and that lot are going to he thinks Cathy's a slag and everything , yet he's still hanging about with all you lot . #
He's gay . #
I really , no he really pisses me off #
and he's just using James and that lot . #
Cos I never say , I mean I don't , #
I don't me I mean I like James and that lot . #
I think all of that lot are alright . #
Peter's , but if I think Peter's a bit of a tosser I tell Peter to his face , he's a tosser . #
blurgh ! spat them all out . #
On , off the floor ? #
And Nick had chewed it all up ? #
No what happened . #
she must've been holding it in because she didn't wanna wipe her bum with her hand and then you know it just burst out before she could get to the toilet . #
I mean I remember when I went , first went to my cheap caravan site where there isn't a toilet and you have to walk to the toilets , and I remember a couple of times when I was little , shitting my pants on the way to the toilets , you know , cos I couldn't hold it in . #
But when you reach this age you should be able to control it ! #
Dirty Cath ! #
Oh , you didn't shit your pants , did you ? #
It's like when you piss and it's really bad , it's really bad and then you get to the toilet and it's that's why I like that bit in , have you seen A League of Their Own ? #
Where he comes in and he does that piss and he's and Madonna's standing there looking at him like this and she's just looking at him and she's going , anyone who can keep it up that long and he's just sitting there going er no he's going er and she's going , she's going , and she's coming round like that trying to look at him , I couldn't stop laughing . #
And the piss was going on for ages . #
Janice goes , it wasn't good . #
A League of Their Own . #
She said it wasn't as good as good as they thought it was gonna be , everyone told me it was brilliant . #
I said , I don't care what people think I , I think it's brilliant . #
No , I think it was brilliant . #
It's the sort of film you can sit and watch a few times . #
Well I know I can . #
You know what I mean i , that's what I mean , it was , it wasn't predictable , do you know what I mean ? #
And it was , I mean , right , things like House Party and all that lot white man Malcolm X , they're all black films . #
If the truth be known . #
And that's why I like Candyman . #
Shelley said that was crap . #
Grace thought it was brilliant . #
Why ? #
The thriller man in it is a black man . #
It's not that they're being racist #
I mean , I , I agree with them there's hardly any leading roles for black people but #
And Whoopie Goldberg and they're brilliant actor #
yeah they . #
But that's , but that's what I mean , they're making , they're saying let's make , when the white people make films black and white people watch them , they're not specifically made for white people , not specifically made for black people , it just happens to be white actors . #
But when they make a black film , they make a black film for black people to sit and watch . #
I've got it all on this tape Malcolm X , Kerry's saying Malcolm X is brilliant , he was a black man , he was a nigger and Truno was going shut up Truno's black too and she was going shut up ! #
Malcolm X , stupid black nigger , do you know what I mean . #
But because they're black it don't make no difference , do you know what I mean . #
But if I was to say it , it's different . #
Like , Kerry goes to me , cos I've got a black kitten he goes , what are you gonna call it ? #
I goes dunno . #
Goes call it Malcolm X . #
I goes shut up ! #
He goes , call it , call it Ma call it Martin X and then he says call it Nigger . #
I think Nigger's a good name but , you know what I mean like , come here Nigger ! #
But it's , it's racist . #
If I'd a , if I were walking down the street going Nigger !sorry ! #
Mm . #
He's a legend , man . #
Bob Marley was brilliant . #
Yeah , they shouldn't , they shouldn't cos his music was made for that time . #
That was , the music was made for his , that time , you know what I mean , it's not for this time . #
But I hate people I , I hate people that are , I hate people that are biased , like the new Madonna book . #
That book's disgusting ! #
It's a disgusting book , she shouldn't have made it . #
Have you seen it yet ? #
I wanna see it . #
Do you know , I hate people that do that . #
They're saying it's disgusting but they wanna see it . #
Body of Evidence . #
Body of Evidence is disgusting film . #
I wanna watch it . #
You know what I mean . #
Yes , that was brilliant ! #
Whose seen , #
who's seen , who's seen Basic Instinct ? #
It is so crap I don't know what it is . #
It is a sexist stupid perverted film , I watched it round Nick's house . #
No , no listen to this , listen to this , right . #
There's no nudity of men right , it's all nudity of women , like when Sharon Stone sits there with her legs her open and she ain't go no knickers on . #
It's all nudity of women . #
There ain't one decent man in it , only Michael Douglas . #
He was nicer when he was young but kind of now , he's kind of old , do you know what I mean . #
Exactly . #
There's no decent men in it and there's no nudity of men it , even when he's in it all you got to see of him was waist-high , you got to see a clips of his bum . #
It was such a se it was , it's , the only bit that was worth be seeing was the beginning bit when she's fucking a man she sticks an axe through him . #
A pick , an ice pick through him . #
Don't bother watching . #
In fact I'd wait four days , I'd wait four years to watch it on T V it's so crap . #
Janice thinks it's brilliant . #
Yeah . #
Yeah . #
Ooh Alan , ooh Alan . #
She's pathetic . #
Like it really , that film really pisses me off right , when he's beating her up and he rips her knickers off and fucks her up the arse and Nick's going that's how to treat a wo it's disgusting fucking a woman up her arse , and ripping off the woman's knickers and rip putting it up sitting watching it thinking #
The difference is with Body of Evidence is it's Madonna whose in , it's a woman whose in control . #
It's a woman whose using a man . #
It's a woman that's taking advantage of men , that's good . #
That's why I wanna see it . #
Body of Evidence ? #
It's , it's a woman ! #
Yeah , it's the opposite of Basic Instinct . #
It's like , with Sharon Stone , even at the end she was still dependent on Michael Douglas , like , when he was going she was crying and she couldn't kill him at the end cos she loved him so much and , you know what I mean , so no , Body of Evidence , it'll probably have a rubbish end and she'll probably marry the lawyer or something , but it was still good to see her beat , tying a man up , putting candle wax on him and shit . #
Oh , it was brilliant ! #
He's so cute ! #
I think I've fallen in love with Rick Mayall now . #
You know , you know what bit made me laugh ? #
You know the bit when they're out in the garden and he goes , he goes , why are you back ? #
She goes , cos I'm , I'm erm , she goes , erm , cos , no , cos you're not happy . #
And he goes , well get happy ! #
And he gets the spade and hits her on the head with it and he goes , I never want to talk to you again and he kicks her in the head . #
I couldn't stop laughing . #

Yeah , he went oh ! #
He goes , who put that there ? #
And the bit where he goes #
He goes urgh , cobwebs and she goes piss off ! #
She goes Mum , come and sit here , she goes , piss off ! like that and the mother goes you talking to me ? #
And she goes And the little girl ! #
Dog pooh ! wipe it on the sides a doo di doo di doo I loved the way he done that ! #
And you know the bit where erm she's in bed and the hand comes out from behind the pillow and it goes over the back of her head and she goes , she goes , she was so cute she goes , she goes , what a pile of shit !and when , you know when she cleans up all the cornflakes ? #
She's sitting there , she's putting it all in and she goes , she goes and she goes and she goes , yeah #
Yeah , and she stands , she's going , she's going , on the way I caught cornflakes disease aargh ! #
I know , he goes , I don't love you , you know . #
He goes I'm an alien , I'm going into space but on the way I caught cornflakes disease aargh ! #
You know when that comes on telly again ? #
Can you tape if for me ? #
You tape it me and give me the tape and I'll give you a tape in exchange because I wanna keep it . #
Thanks , Kate . #
I'll bring one in on Tuesday , in case , but if it comes on on the weekend I'm gonna tape it . #
No , it's on Sky . #
It's been on Sky . #
Yeah , and he's going , oh , he's going , he's going , he's going , snotface ! #
I love the way cos he goes I got something for you and with the ink he goes , oh , alright , and he throws it and and he goes , nice catch ! #
Yeah . #
You know another bit that was really good ? #
The bit where , where she goes , are you gonna do it like the pigeons ? #
He goes , no , you're not supposed to do it like that you're supposed to get her on the floor and step on her head ! you're not doing it right ! #
I think he's really gorgeous . #
I've fallen in love yeah #
Yeah . #
And the bit where she's , the mum's cleaning it up and she's got the gas #
That was wicked . #
And when she , when she goes when she goes , is he in that chair ? #
And he goes she's ke she's beating him up under the chair she goes #
And she goes excuse me and she goes back in . #
She was really good in that . #
I like the bit when he goes , yeah , when he goes pirates ! #
And he , and she's going , oh !and she goes , what did you do , Fred ? #
And he goes , I didn't do anything And he goes , he goes , she goes , right , you be the captain I'll do everything else , don't touch nothing . #
He goes , alright then . #
What , not even that ? #
And he pushes it and runs out . #
I think it's so funny . #
I've seen it three times now . #
I'm sick of it now . #
Like it's a difference with with thing like Beetlejuice , every time I watch it I notice a few things that are different #
but , with that #
I love Beetlejuice . #
I love the way he says that ! #
I like Flatliners , that's good . #
I ain't seen that . #
Forever Young's good erm #
Oh , leave her . #
I've never really been , like , single single cos I'm always sort of like , not actually going out with somebody but I'm always , I've always got someone who sort of fancies me or I'm flirting with . #
Do you know what I mean , like ? #
Someone like James for , how long did that go on for , for about a month , when he couldn't he stop talking about me all the time it was sort of like , you know , I like this , you know what I mean , he was talking #
Cos that was what So cruel in front of Nick . #
Yeah , just to fl flirt with . #
But I mean , I wa I was really pleased when Toya come up to me and she goes , James can't stop talking about you in Science . #
I was thinking mm . #
He goes , he thinks you're , he thinks you're so funny I can't I do it in music . #
I don't flirt ! #
I just , you've seen me flirt ! #
You've seen me , she's seen me flirt all the time . #
he's not bothered . #
No , I can't do it now not in front of Cathy and that lot , they'll think me a little slag and I don't particularly want that image . #
Where is he then ? #
Gone . #
When he comes I'll call him again . #
is a cheeky little cunt ! #
Do you know what he done ? #
I cuddled him and he grabbed hold of me bum ! #
This is me #
This is me , I goes , I goes I'll let it slip this time cos you haven't seen me for a few weeks . #
Just before he got a good grip he went , he got a grip and he was just about to squeeze this , I went I sort of went of tiptoes and I goes , I'll let it slide this time . #
You know when I look vexed , I goes , because I havn't seen you for few weeks , and he walked away , come are you walking back with us ? #
Let's walk the front way . #
Let's look at all the ducks . #
No we haven't we've got ten minutes , ha , five minutes . #
Huh ? #
I'm still taping this by the way . #
I've been taping us for ages though , we've been talking about comple , I mean I've got conversations about Thelma and Louise on here about fifteen million times and Drop Dead Fred's original I ain't done him yet . #
That's the first one I've done of Drop Dead Fred . #
No . #
I know , but I always talk about telly or Madonna . #
I can't be bothered . #
No you're so cruel . #
You're so cruel , you're just evil . #
Leave me alone with him . #
James . #
Say something nice in my microphone about me . #
Josie , you're the most beautiful girl I've ever seen in my entire life . #
He said , he said I'm the most beautifulest girl in the world ! #
You liar ! #
Come on then , what , say something nice to me about me #
Oh yeah , I forgot ! #
Say something nice about me . #
I want nice things on here . #
You know Grace ? #
She lost her microphone , she was shitting herself , she found it again . #
About an hour #
I want this laugh on tape . #
You know Grace ? #
She lost her microphone . #
She was shitting herself . #
She found it again . #
About an hour #
No , that's just a thing attached to #
Oi ! #
Wait up , Alice ! #
As soon as they see they got the microphone they go #
Nicholas , Nicholas . #
Let's just walk a little bit faster , girls ! #
Erm , I'm on the fourth one ! #
Yeah , come , come up with us . #
One side ! #
I've just been taping loads , four . #
This is for the , yeah , but you should just tape anything ! #
No , I've been logging them as I've been going . #
Yeah . #
Mine's round the back . #
Mine's round the back . #
Mine's round the back ! #
Quick , run Mohammed's coming ! #
Pervert ! #
Oh , Kate , my dear friend . #
See I've got this on tape . #
I love Kate ! #
What's your second name again , ? #
I love Kate and every time I've said something nasty about her , I'm sorry . #
She's so kind , int she ? #
She's always giving me things . #
Warren gave me a baby . #
No , I'm just joking for the tape . #
Sorry , I didn't mean to pull back it's just that I want to hear what they're talking about . #
Have you got yours on you you should just tape everything , that's what I do . #
I even tape it when I'm just telling people what I'm doing . #
What ? #
I , I I , I done Henry's Cat on mine . #
I went Henry's , meow , Henry's , meow In fact all over it . #
I've got Henry's Cat and Rosie and Jim . #
Yeah , we sang all the Mary Poppins songs . #
We sang Supercala and we've got we got and no , and we've got , we've got , and we've got her biggest word on here . #
Go on , say it again . #
See that's her biggest word she knows that is , apart from fuck . #
We come to an agreement and that's our biggest word , fuck . #
I've got everyone's , oi , Mohammed ! #
What's your favourite swear word ? #
Mine's like , cunt and things like that . #
Yeah , or oh shit , you cunt ! #
Yeah , or , or , or , budging hell cos your mum's in front of you . #
Yeah , yeah , yeah like your mum goes , you stupid cow ! #
What do you think you're doing ? #
You go into your bedroom and go calm Josie , one two three four five six seven eight nine ten bitch . #
Hi ! #
Talk to me ! #
It's not on I swear . #
Actually I'm lying . #
It is on . #
Oh thanks . #
She's so kind to you . #
Always give me a She's such a nice person . #
She's just such a nice person ! #
Do you want this one back ? #
No you won't you greedy cow ! #
You can have a bit of mine I'm not giving you half ! #
See you should be taping everything , that's what I am . #
Let's just really bore them ! #
Peter , I think you're the most wonderful boy in the whole entire world . #
I keep mine on me earphones so I can hear exactly what everyone's saying . #
Henry's , meow , Henry's , meow #
Is it good ? #
You're not gonna tape anything ! #
Yeah , but if he lends it out he might #
cos his voice cos if his voice ain't in the conversation I've got it all on tape now you stupid cow ! #
No , I didn't do it . #
I thought it was for m , Tuesday ! #
Oh shit ! #
Yeah okay , everyone says it don't hurt , it don't hurt ! #
No , that . #
Right . #
She was looking looking looking looking through her tights #
Hello , Andrew . #
Say hello . #
No , say hello . #
Not to her ! #
Just cos you love her , say hello to my microphone . #
Yes I am taping that . #
Alright , listen to this if I'm not taping it then . #
Put the earphones on . #
You'll have to come closer because I'm not moving . #
Now tell me I'm not taping you stupid idiot ! #
I am taping #
look , record ! #
Yes , that's the whole point . #
Give me some of your slang . #
I put on the microphone going he goes I'm a Brixton lad #
Shut up ! #
Give me my earphones . #
He's going you're dead bang , bang , bang ! #
That's his new thing that it goes bang like that to you . #
I don't know why , it just goes bang . #
And shouting so much #
Mr didn't ask me to do it . #
None of the teachers in the school asked me to do it . #
It was for er , a Norwegian college . #
I ha I'm sick of saying Norwegian college to everyone . #
It's a crap walkman . #
Henry's , meow , Henry's , meow I've got this on there about fifteen times , you know and talking about Thelma and Louise . #
Like when he goes , suck my cock ! #
You know the bit when he goes , when he goes , when he goes , you know the bit when he goes #
Shut up ! #
You know the bit when he goes , I should've just fucked her and She goes , what did you say ? #
He goes , suck my cock . #
She just goes #
And where she blows up the lorry . #
And when she does the robbery . #
Yeah . #
And when she does the robbery and she's going , get down on the floor #
You , Me and It ? #
Yeah that was us two . #
You , Me and It . #
Not , really , joke . #
No . #
Come on Miss , give me a little song ! #
Give me a little song right here in the microphone . #
Excuse me . #
Excuse me , I was taping her singing then . #
Go on ! #
De deny the fact go on , Sir ! #
Ah ! #
Don't strangle me ! #
Sir , come on ! #
Sir ! #
Do a little bit of singing ! #
Yes , she's staying right here . #
She's not going anywhere at the moment . #
Music is a bore ! #
Don't offer me one . #
It's alright , I don't want one anyway they make me sick . #
Lot's #
of semolina , lot's of semolina #
That's right . #
And I've gotta come in on Monday ! #
What's that , Miss ! #
That's your tough , yeah . #
Weren't that supposed to be in on Tuesday ? #
Didn't do it . #
Oh yeah . #
Who's a liar ? #
She ain't in . #
She ain't ! #
Mum ! #
She must've gone to the shops . #
What ? #
Dempsey ? #
Up Chris's ? #
I think I'll just wait here . #
Hi Sam ! #
I was taping , Sam . #
battyman means you're gay . #
And Lezzypal means you're a lesbian . #
Okay ? #
Says hi , Grete . #
Don't strangle the dog Grete . #
Don't strangle your dog . #
It's cos your brains , mind you she ain't nobody to squash so it don't really matter . #
Yeah , tell him to come down because we've got to have conversations . #
I'm taping you . #
Yeah . #
Yeah . #
I'm not filming you , I'm taping you . #
Well you're not gonna hear it . #
So does mine ! #
And I have to talk on it all the time . #
They picked me . #
Pardon ? #
Teenage languages . #
I'm not going ! #
They just send it to me , I send it back . #
Can you get off please ? #
Pop my microphone . #
Six other people . #
Thirty people all over London . #
Six of them in my school . #
I'm one of them . #
Why ain't you talking , I ain't taping . #
Oh thanks ! #
She's know me since I've been a little girl . #
See you later . #
Bye ! #
That was Greta , Truan and Kerry and Shelley's Mum . #
I haven't got anyone to talk to now . #
Pretty boring . #
Could go out and talk to Tina . #
like her . #
Just talk to her get some conversation so these are my flats . #
It's called flats Is Tina there ? #
Thanks Chris . #
All right , Craig ? #
Right ? #
Hello little doggy ! #
Me ? #
Nothing . #
Hello little doggy ! #
Hello ! #
Look she #
Look at it ! #
It's raining . #
Don't like swimming . #
Ha ha ha ! #
No , most people just have a bath . #
Look she's standing up on her ba back legs #
Dandy the dog . #
Microphone . #
Because I'm taping you . #
For a college . #
Norwegian college . #
Come on bark at me ! #
Oh ! #
Isn't she cute ! #
You can , look , you can just squash her breasts . #
I not doing it . #
Urgh ! #
Gob all over me . #
I know , Chihuahua . #
Chihuahua brain . #
Come on then make some conversation . #
He knows what we're doing , he knows what we're doing cos he's standing there looking at us . #
You're not allowed out , girls ! #
That's what we're trying to do . #
You smell of babies bottoms . #
Go on , Claire ! #
Claire's got the guts to #
Oh yeah ! #
True . #
Mind you Miss No , Miss'd blame me cos she knows me . #
Shelley ! #
No , you've gotta break the glass first . #
Somebody's already done it . #
Look , cos that's why it's already broken so if you push it it'll go . #
It'd be just my luck I'll just touch it and it'd go off . #
Is he still there ? #
Is he still looking ? #
Get away from the door . #
Don't , let's go and #
What am I supposed to do now , I'm freezing now , it's another five minutes ! #
Please ! #
She's cold , Miss ! #
Why ? #
Is it because of our year or is it to do with money . #
we have to miss out . #
School should have a bus of its own ? #
Neither have we ! #
Neither have we . #
If we're not gonna get next year losing more and more money . #
It's all right for the first years now cos they're never even gonna know about it . #
When they get here #
Yeah , come on , Miss . #
Yeah , Miss , we've been sitting up here , yeah , Miss , it's ten to ! #
Miss , let's go down before anyone sees us and unlock it before everyone starts coming on down . #
That's it . #
Come on , Miss . #
just go downstairs and #
And I've got this stuff on . #
This is very expensive stuff . #
Come on let's go down and wait . #
Miss , give us the keys ! #
you're such a goody goody . #
Knock you out with it . #
Osmond , I want my tape ! #
No thank you , you haven't got one big enough . #
Osmond ,I want my tape ! #
Fucking cunt . #
Claire tell him #
Claire , tell him I want my tape . #
Osmond , you're out of order you know . #
I apo #
I apo What did you say ? #
Did you say fuck ? #
Oh , Osmond , come on , give me the tape don't be out of order . #
No ! #
Look at your face ! #
She is funny actually , I was laughing . #
She's looking at your face . #
Don't slap me you fool . #
Thanks Osmond . #
I'm so glad you had this conversation with me while I've been miked up and I've got it all taped . #
I've got some very interesting things to say now to erm , you know , after I've taped him . #
I've got something on tape for you I want you to #
No , say it again . #
Yeah , I just wanted that posh word on there you know . #
I am . #
Yeah . #
Work that one out students , students from Norway ! #
That's what I said to Warren , I goes , this is going to Norway , this him fucking Norway !like that down the microphone . #
Come on then , let's hear your big words . #
What big word have you got ? #
Autobiography that's my biggest word . #
Not really . #
Go on . #
What other songs are there ? #
Feed tuppence a bag , tuppence #
Feed #
I don't know the rest of it . #
What about Jungle Book ? #
Does anyone know anything out of Jungle Book ? #
Ooh , an ape like me , I'd like to be you , ooh , ooh , I do , ooh ! #
He goes Yeah . #
Now I'm the king of the swingers , boy , the jungle V I P #
Ain't you seen Jungle Book ? #
Here you are , here you are ! #
I know the complicated bit of Bare Necessities . #
Now when you pick a paw pear before prickling when you pick a pawpaw for a prickly pear and you pick the wrong pear next time beware ! #
Don't pick the prickly pear with the paw when you pick the pear try to use the claw . #
You'll need to use the claw when you pick one of the big pawpaws . #
Have I given you a clue ? #
You're supposed to say , golly , thanks Baloo . #
The bear necessities of life will come to you they'll come to you . #
Yeah , that's it , they'll come to me ! #
Come on let's hit it ! #
Someone was weeping , but the world was sleeping someone was weeping , but the world was partying Shut up , man ! #
You're so tone deaf ! #
You sound like E T ! #
You really sound like , say E T phone home . #
She's so skinny Hey , you just look like you're gonna fall over when someone blows you . #
Hey , isn't Kate look like she's gonna fall over if you blow on her ? #
She looks so #
Sorry . #
Even I'm wider than you ! #
Are you taller , no , she's not taller than me . #
We've finished our song now . #
What ? #
No what's the other one ? #
Mary'll make your , Mary'll make your , one where he's in the picture with her ? #
Shut up ! #
Oh let's sing Yankie Doodle into Town and you come in late right . #
Yankie Doodle went to town riding on a pony . #
Stuck a feather in you were supposed to come in ! #
I don't know London's Burning . #
Just sing Yankie Doodle went to town riding on a pony . #
Stuck a feather in his hat and called it macaroni . #
Right ? #
You come in when Alice has finished the first bit and then you come . #
Yankie Doodle went to town riding on a pony . #
Stuck a feather in his hat and called it Macaroni . #
Yankie Doodle went to town riding on a pony . #
Stuck a feather in his hat #
Yes please , I'll have some . #
Barcelona ! #
Barcelona ! #
Shell ! #
Shelley ! #
Shelley ! #
Oh shit ! #
I've cut my mike again . #
Bloody teachers ! #
Hi , Sir ! #
Yeah . #
I can hear you loud and clear coming through . #
Aargh ! #
Come on , where is it ? #
Karen ! #
You're a bit quiet today , aren't you lovey ? #
Does this microphone make you nervous . #
Come on , talk up dear ! #
Tell us who you love . #
Come on ! #
Come on ! #
Talk up ! #
Talk up ! #
Sex you up , all night Who's in the Science group ? #
Hi , everyone ! #
All shout hello . #
It's Miss out of here ! #
What a shame ! #
And she said #
What tape ? #
What tape ? #
Osmond ! #
She said if you don't wanna accept her apology then fine you don't have to #
Will you talk to her , Osmond ? #
There is ! #
Well then talk to her ! #
I know her but I don't , yeah , yeah I know her . #
Yeah . #
Come on Karen . #
Are you gonna talk to me ? #
Now we're on our own . #
Oh , I knew that ! #
I was just testing you . #
All right ! #
You don't mess with him . #
You don't mess with him ! #
He's too big . #
Oh this conversation . #
Grace ! #
Did you find your bike ? #
Good girl . #
I've gotta go and get the door open from the other side . #
Hi , Simeon ! #
Yeah , go on on the mike , love . #
In the mike , in the mike ! #
Come on , tell me Karen , in the mike ! #
Innit ? #
It looks so dumb . #
It looks like he's got cancer growing behind his ear . #
Looks like he's got cancer growing behind his ear . #
He's such a div , I hate him ! #
Why can't he clear up his spots ? #
Nothing . #
Dumped Nick . #
I dumped him . #
I dumped Nick ! #
Yeah , I went out with Shelley , with Warren a few times read read yeah ? #
Do you want my sharpener ? #
All right then , I'll pass you my sharpener . #
Is the microphone on ? #
Are you taping me ? #
She's not you know . #
Grace I'm taping you too . #
I'm taping you too . #
That's fine with me , love ? #
Good , good , good . #
What about you Natasha darling ? #
Taping Miss I've got her to saying hello . #
I've taped Osmond saying your mum . #
Who ? #
Your Mum ? #
What ? #
What Thinner ? #
No , you can read Thinner . #
It's all right ! #
I just wanna read this one cos this one's better . #
No , I'm reading this erm The Shining The Shining #
Looks like sex , sex and more sex . #
You're so disgusting . #
Heatwave Oh dear , I'm so bored . #
Pardon ? #
No one much . #
No one much ! #
I've only got him on tape . #
You don't have to talk into the microphone . #
I can hear him from here . #
That's what ev when I go , I goes to Daniel I'm taping you know he started walking like this #
He started balancing like this I goes , I'm fil I'm taping you not filming you , they think you're filming them , you know , they look at the microphone and they go , hi ! #
I've got all different things I don't like these earphones they hurt my ears . #
They don't hurt my ears . #
These ones I don't like them cos I can't cos you can seem them . #
What ? #
I know . #
Come on , come on . #
Er ? #
That ain't on . #
What you do ? #
It's not on , look ! #
I've got it now too , with Shelley talking . #
And go away , go away , don't want to see you back again . #
Turn around #
By the way , I just thought I'd erm tell you that erm I'm taping you okay ? #
I'm taping all of you people in this classroom at the moment . #
I can hear you all . #
I can hear Karen and Angela talking . #
I can I can hear him talking . #
Can you not talk please , I don't want you on my tape . #
It's a bit of a waste really , innit ? #
You can't say I lied because like , you know #
No , don't read that book it's crap . #
It's all right , but I don't want it on the tapes , it's rubbish . #
Who ? #
Just cos he's tall he thinks he's a man . #
Yeah , but remember , boys are three years behind in age in , in maturity . #
He's only thirteen . #
You're a year younger than us . #
That's a fact you know . #
Boys are three years younger than their actual age . #
Shame Shelley , when she #
Doesn't really do anything for me . #
Just makes me go all blurry #
Don't walk away Filofax ! #
That's a bloody big filofax ! #
Probably er , a cupboard full of porno mags . #
That's what perverts do #
Yeah , he just say ,hey man , hey man about your mum , your mum . #
Osmond , please , I really want my tape back . #
It was a Madonna one and it had a bit of other stuff on it on the other side . #
Yeah , a see-through one with blue stickers , it's got erm on it It's got Whitney Houston on it . #
It's go My Girl on it It's got Maria , what's her name ? #
Mariah Carey on it It's got Madness on it . #
It's got loads of stuff and it's got Madonna on it . #
I let him borrow it . #
Everyone said don't lend it to him , listen , they goes don't lend it to him , don't , you won't get it back he'll give it back . #
Try and find it for me , it was a ninety-minute one . #
And it's got Madonna and all sorts written on it . #
I don't think there's nothing the matter with oral sex as long as , #
as long as he's got a clean penis ! #
No , I don't think there's anything the matter with oral sex . #
What's that ? #
I've already done that #
Yeah To Nick's nose ! #
I've never handled Nick . #
He ain't talking to me and I ain't talking to him . #
Simple as that . #
Look , he can't take it because I dumped him . #
He's so annoying , int he ? #
Innit ? #
If you touch him , it's do you mind ? #
Do you mind ? #
No . #
I'll tell you what I hate about him , right . #
Is the fact that out of a Madonna song this is he thinks he's so much better than me . #
And he does . #
That was the whole point and the way , it was like , he could he could hit , he could , he could hit me or go like that to my hair or run his fingers through my face , rip all my clothes up , you know what I mean , not rip them off , rip them up ! #
And like , you weren't allowed to touch him . #
I hate that , I hate boys like that . #
Don't touch me . #
My hair ! #
He's such a girl ! #
He's ,mind my hair , mind my hair . #
Yeah , I hate boys that do that , it's really annoying . #
And I don't know what he no he don't to me , and I don't know what he's doing hanging about with you lot . #
I know he just says it cos when I said #
Cos when he said , cos when I said #