Struggling to understand the Budget speech? Michael McGuire translates what the Treasurer said
WHAT HE SAID Mr Speaker ...
WHAT HE MEANT I'm just glad I turned up on the right day. Bloody Malcolm kept changing the date and not telling me.
WHAT HE SAID This cannot be just another Budget, because these are extraordinary times. WHAT HE MEANT I mean I am Treasurer, Malcolm is PM. It doesn't get much more extraordinary than that. 
WHAT HE SAID Australians have clearly said we must have an economic plan to make this economic transition a success.
WHAT HE MEANT Which makes you wonder why we waited until a couple of weeks out from an election before we came up with one.
WHAT HE SAID This economic plan is the foundation on which we can build a brighter, more secure future, in a stronger, new economy with more jobs.
WHAT HE MEANT I mean, it's amazing we didn't think of this before.
WHAT HE SAID I will announce a growth-friendly, 10 year enterprise tax plan to boost new investment, create and support jobs and increase real wages.
WHAT HE MEANT And I confidently predict that our next seven prime ministers will see this plan through to its conclusion in a decade's time.
WHAT HE SAID This means combating tax avoidance, especially by multinationals, with new measures to ensure everyone pays the tax they should on what they earn in Australia, not avoid tax by shifting their profits offshore.
WHAT HE MEANT Although I will cross-check with Arthur Sinodinos to see how many of them are Liberal Party donors.
WHAT HE SAID We will continue to cut unnecessary waste.
WHAT HE MEANT We started this process when we ditched Abbott and Hockey.
WHAT HE SAID It is the right plan.
WHAT HE MEANT Well, we have given the wrong plan a fair run, so we thought we would try something else.
WHAT HE SAID This is not a time to be splashing money around.
WHAT HE MEANT Except on subs, of course. Anyway, $50 billion is a bargain to keep Christopher Pyne in his seat.
WHAT HE SAID Small and medium businesses are driving jobs growth in Australia and must continue to do so. They are also overwhelmingly Australian owned.
WHAT HE MEANT Unlike those Chinese, who wanted to buy all that Kidman property.
WHAT HE SAID We will not be able to rely on our natural advantages in resources to secure the jobs of the future like we have in the past.
WHAT HE MEANT How lucky was Peter Costello? His biggest challenge was counting all the money that was coming in. Even Hockey could have done that.
WHAT HE SAID From   July 1 this year, we will increase the upper limit for the middle-income tax brack-et from $80,000 to $87,000 per year.
WHAT HE MEANT Bring on the class war.
WHAT HE SAID Of course we would like to do more.
WHAT HE MEANT Well, certainly for the rich.
WHAT HE SAID By abolishing the carbon tax . . .
WHAT HE MEANT I can't believe it took me this long to mention it. Did you know we also stopped the boats? By the way, that was me. You're welcome, Australia.
WHAT HE SAID We will not remove or limit negative gearing.
WHAT HE MEANT Have you any idea how much that would cost Malcolm? He might have to sell one of his mansions.
WHAT HE SAID Ninety-six per cent of Aus-tralians with super will be unaffected by or be better off as a result of the superannuation changes we have announced tonight.
WHAT HE MEANT The other 4 per cent are so loaded they would never vote Labor in their lives.
WHAT HE SAID Young people have told me how they need people to get alongside them to help them develop the confidence, skills, attitudes and behaviours expected by employers so they can get a job and stay in a job.
WHAT HE MEANT What the nation's teachers, lecturers and parents have been doing I haven't a clue.
WHAT HE SAID The first three weeks of training will focus on skills such as working in a team, presentation, and appropriate IT literacy.
WHAT HE MEANT Can we extend it to MPs? Have you seen our backbenchers? Most still have pagers.
WHAT HE SAID Businesses that take on interns will receive an upfront payment of $1000, and will also benefit from the opportunity to see what a young worker can do and how they fit in . . . before deciding whether to offer them ongoing employment.
WHAT HE MEANT It should create a wonderful revolving door of cheap labour for small business.
WHAT HE SAID Australians know it is no easy task to secure jobs and growth in a highly . . . volatile and uncertain global economy.
WHAT HE MEANT Which is probably why so many of them are so nervous that I am the bloke in charge.
WHAT HE SAID At such a sensitive time, none of us can become complacent or make decisions that could put our successful transition at risk. There is too much at stake.
WHAT HE MEANT People, don't vote for Bill "I support Rudd, no Gillard, no Rudd" Shorten.
WHAT HE SAID That's why we must stick to our national economic plan for jobs and growth, fix the problems in our tax system so we can cover our responsibilities for the next generation and ensure the Government lives within its means.
WHAT HE MEANT And we are only $37,000,000,000 away from making that happen.
WHAT HE SAID The future of all Australians and their families depend on it. WHAT HE MEANT Stick with us or there'll be plague, pestilence, famine, dogs and cats living together, Chinese-owned farms, and your footy team won't win again.
WHAT HE SAID Accordingly, Mr Speaker, I commend the Turnbull Government's economic plan for jobs and growth and this Bill to the House.
WHAT HE MEANTI wonder what I'll be doing this time next year.