Writing columns about the wankery of Nick Kyrgios and Bernard Tomic is like shooting fish in a barrel. It's easy to do but brings with it a score of ethical and moral dilemmas.
The dilemmas, in no particular order: they are young; they are playing on a world stage; they represent a country starved of consistent tennis success for more than a decade; few can identify or understand the pressure they must feel - from outside and within - unless they have played professional sport at that level; they aren't Pat Rafter or Lleyton Hewitt; they make easy click-bait, so every move they make is covered in forensic detail; social media really is a bitch; this author also broke a few racquets back in the day; and a couple of three-woods; and this wireless mouse isn't far off meeting a similar fate if it doesn't stop repeatedly disconnecting right when I ...
And haterz are gonna hate. And I'm not a hater. And I would rather understand someone than dismiss them. And not everyone has to be Pat Rafter. You can be Ilie Nastase if you want to. Be the ball. And be Ilie Nastase. Or don't. I don't care who you are. 
And I've lost count how many times I've written the spoilt-tennis-brat-needs-to-grow-up-who-is-advising-this-bloke-fair-dinkum column.
Shooting fish in a barrel.
But now that we've got all those disclaimers out of the way, may I humbly join the conga line of critics and dish out some advice to Kyrgios and Tomic? I know they'll be reading. Here goes. Boys. Fellas ... Win something.
Before you, Nick Kyrgios, start smirking at the brilliance of your own cross-court forehand in the third set against Tomas Berdych - a replay of which you later retweeted - maybe wait until you actually beat Tomas Berdych ... Win something. Before you, Bernard Tomic, get into a slanging match with Roger Federer after he dared to offer an honest appraisal of your ability to become a top-ten player, maybe do something that Roger has done for much of his career, including the twilight of his career, and when it's all over it will arguably go down in tennis as the greatest career ...
Win something.
A cursory glance of the respective records of Kyrgios and Tomic reveals they haven't won much. Kyrgios won the Hopman Cup representing Australia - our first win in 17 years - earlier this month, but apart from that he hasn't won a single ATP title.
Tomic has three ATP titles: the last two Bogota Opens and the Sydney International in 2013.
So they have both won something. A little bit. But not enough to justify the   Mayweather-sized egos they seem to carry in their racquet bags from tournament to tournament, from dopey press conference to dopey Instagram post.
"Not everyone deserves to know the real you. Let them criticise who they think you are."
So posted Kyrgios on Insta on Sunday.
Who is the real Nick Kyrgios? Who is this multi-layered personality that we all seem to be missing the point with? Please, would the real Nick Kyrgios reveal himself?
Because we're growing a little tired of the one we're being exposed to right now.
Australian Open boss Craig Tiley concedes Kyrgios is good for business. Bums on seats..
This Australian Open campaign will be remembered for some abuse of umpires and linespeople; a cry about some music being played in the background during his final match; a boneheaded decision to take a phone call before a mixed doubles match (an absolute masterstroke with world tennis engulfed in a match-fixing scandal); and that he's dating Ajla Tomljanovic. And I'll remember the cross-court forehand but only because he retweeted it.
By the time you've read this, there's some chance that Tomic could've beaten No.2 seed Andy Murray in their fourth-round match at Rod Laver Arena on Monday night. There's every chance he hasn't, meaning Australia again doesn't have a live chance in the men's draw heading into Australia Day.
Tomic's attempted takedown of Federer was stunning not so much for who he was taking down as the delusion of where he's placed with his tennis.
"When I'm playing well, I'm a top-eight player in the world," Tomic said. "My ranking has got to get there. I'm going to work every day this year getting to the top 10. It's not just getting there to the top 10. I'm going to get there. It's about staying there."
Thanks, Bernie. Let us know when that happens.
The inspiration comes in the form of Lleyton Hewitt, who was easy to lampoon during the early stages of his career. It was, indeed, like shooting fish in a barrel.
Hewitt walked away from professional tennis with his head high. It's not how you start your career but how you finish.
Thaaaaaat said ... Hewitt did give us a last glimpse of the brat he used to be during the loss to David Ferrer when he called umpire Pascal Maria "a freaking idiot".
It was classic Hewitt: incredulous, almost foaming at the mouth, using big words like "moron" and explaining to Maria why "everyone in the locker room thinks you're so full of yourself".
Hewitt was the world No.1 and Wimbledon champ Australia was embarrassed by. So maybe winning something doesn't guarantee respect.
For Tomic and Kyrgios, they could start by doing the right thing.