With a new round of reality shows on air, Ben Pobjie roasts the judges who will make or break the dreams of starry-eyed competitors.
Any reality fan knows that while there may be passing interest in the wide-eyed contestants, the real stars are the judges. Whether gushing over the mediocre or crushing dreams, the judges are the ones who make or break any reality blockbuster. There are cruel judges and kind judges, pretentious judges and utterly insane judges, but whatever their nature, all judges have one thing in common: they have nothing better to do for four whole months.
As the networks line up their reality battalions for the mid-year confrontation, let's run the rule over the starters in the meta-reality show we shall call Australia's Next Top Judge. Who are they, what do they do, and how vicious are things going to get when they pass judgment?
HOUSE RULES 
House Rules is a show about people destroying the homes of strangers in a last-ditch attempt to learn to feel again. It has two judges.
Joe Snell is a veteran architect and designer with many years' experience in looking at rooms and describing what is in them, which should stand him in good stead on House Rules.
Life before judging: Joe designed Guy Sebastian's new house, in a perfect demonstration of the power of the Reality Judge Cabal. He has a Bachelor of Architecture, but these days is married.
Chances of Post-Judging Stardom: Absent a sudden teen craze for celebrity lighting consultants, quite low.
Cruelty-Meter: Four poorly-positioned toilets out of 10.
Wendy Moore is a refreshing antidote to the widespread lack of attractive young blonde women on television. She wants us to "prepare to be surprised" by the designs on this season, not realising that preparing to be surprised is a contradiction in terms.
Life before judging: Wendy is editor of Home Beautiful magazine, but refuses to change the title to the more sensible Beautiful Home.
Chances of post-judging stardom: Very good, unless the industry suffers an outbreak of diversity.
Cruelty-Meter: Two elegant splashbacks out of 10.
THE VOICE
The Voice is the talent show juggernaut that proved just how much the public continues to love seeing famous people's chairs turn around. It calls its judges coaches, because after telling people whether they suck or not, they try to help some of them suck a little bit less. There are four of them, or five if you count the Madden brothers as separate people (we don't).
Jessie J rose to pop stardom in the UK despite humble beginnings and a childhood so poor she couldn't afford a surname. She took up reality judging as a way to share her love of enormous salaries with others.
Life before judging: Jessie is known worldwide as a musical innovator, bringing a fresh new take on soulless, overproduced banality.
She is most famous for promising that it's not about the price tag, which her current job makes pretty ironic.
Chances of Post-Judging Stardom: Very high as she still has Nicki Minaj's phone number.
Cruelty-Meter: Five uninspired beats out of 10.
Ronan Keating is one of the world's biggest stars, combining a smooth, soulful croon with a bunch of tattoos to show that he's totally hardcore. As a Voice judge he is proof of the adage that everything sounds better in an Irish accent.
Life Before Judging: Ronan is a bona fide superstar, selling millions of records as a member of Boyzone and as a solo artist.
Chances of post-judging stardom: Excellent, despite his recent troubling habit of writing his own songs.
Cruelty-Meter: Seven frosted tips out of 10.
Delta Goodrem is Australia's sweetheart, an angelic human nightingale who apparently used to be a singer of some kind. Her role on The Voice is to hug contestants and beg them to let her go on tour with them.
Life Before Judging: Delta rose to fame on Neighbours. Having sung on Neighbours, she moved on to singing on other shows, and eventually became one of Australia's thinnest pop stars. In 2010 she was named ARIA Albums Artist of the Decade, which may or may not be a real thing.
Chances of post-judging stardom: Current indications are that Delta will be a judge for the rest of her life.
Cruelty-Meter: A mere one awkwardly arrhythmic dance move out of 10.
The Madden Brothers is a terrifying two-headed monster seeking to devour the souls of young singers in order to keep it youthful forever.
Life Before Judging: The Madden Brothers were in Good Charlotte, an ironically-named band in that it didn't have anyone called Charlotte in it. Good Charlotte had many hit songs such as Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous, and that awful one.
Having devoted its life to rock 'n' roll, the Madden Brothers are trying to leave all that behind by working on The Voice.
Chances of post-judging stardom: The Madden Brothers have a bright future, as all the kids still love Good Charlotte! Cruelty-Meter: Six piercings out of 10, but extra points for sucking the essence from its victims.
MASTERCHEF
Masterchef is the granddaddy of reality TV, and like all grandfathers is eager to give out delicious sweets and tell boring stories. It has three judges, who have over eaten more food than the entire population of Central America.
Gary Mehigan is a gigantic gingerbread man brought to life by a kindly warlock in the early Nineties. He was brought on to Masterchef to tell everyone to use more butter and to dip his finger in everyone's sauce. He always has a smile on his face.
Life Before Judging: Gary trained in London - possibly as a chef - before moving to Australia and cooking a bunch of food in a bunch of places. He has won awards for his jolly cooking, and is co-owner of The Boathouse, an I Know What You Did Last Summer-themed restaurant in Melbourne.
Chances of post-judging stardom: High, as he's on about 16 other shows.
Cruelty-Meter: The deceptively cruel Mehigan gets eight over-egged puddings out of 10.
Matt Preston is the food critic par excellence, combining bizarre fashion sense with functioning tastebuds in the classic style. Several years ago he said a contestant's dish was disgusting and then added, "...disgustingly GOOD!" and since then every single judge on every single show has been copying it.
Life Before Judging: Matt wrote about food that he had eaten. Basically that's it.
Chances of post-judging stardom: When Masterchef ends it is easy to see Matt getting a cushy job guest programming Rage.
Cruelty-Meter: Four misleading pasta-throws out of 10.
George Calombaris is the irrepressible ball of boundless energy who fulfils the role of the judge who won't stop talking about his mother or pulling crying contestants aside for uncomfortable pep talks.
He's also responsible for making sure nobody on the show gets penalty rates.
Life Before Judging: George worked in a number of highly-esteemed establishments, and at the age of 24 won Young Chef of the Year, defeating Sharon from McDonald's. He has also written numerous books about cooking.
Chances of post-judging stardom: Not good, as without a kitchen around him, all he has to fall back on is his annoyingness.
Cruelty-Meter: Nine dolmades out of 10.
HALL OF FAME
No discussion of reality judges would be complete without a mention of Pete and Manu, who have just finished yet another nation-conquering season of My Kitchen Rules. As John Farnham is to classic rock, so Pete and Manu are to reality judging, and they've been role models for a whole generation of aspiring judges.
What makes them so successful? Just a few core principles, that every judge could learn from: 1. Hide your true self.
MKR would be a shambles if Pete rejected every dish that wasn't paleo, or if Manu admitted he's not really French. Every judge must remember they're there to do a job, and personal feelings have nothing to do with it.
2. Long pauses.
Pete and Manu know that if they spoke at a normal speed, the whole show would collapse. When giving scores in particular, a judge should leave a pause of at least 20 seconds before saying the number.
3. Pretend to care.
It's vital that no contestant ever suspect just how minuscule an insect the judges consider them. To this end, judges should practise their sympathetic expressions, inspirational pep talks, and not bursting into laughter when someone cries.