The New Zealand people are, as you know, bedly musinderstood. 
So today we shall touch on why New Zillenders speak like Si'th Efricens. 
But more importantly we shall examine ecedemic research on so-called "New Zealandness" to see whet makes Kiwis tuck.  That way we'll discover why their fatal flaws make the All Blacks certain losers against the Wallabies in the World Cup final on Sunday morning.
If we turn out to be wrong, we shall simply turn our attention to the Melbourne Cup next Tuesday and hope an Australian-bred nag beats the Kiwis home. Barring that, we shall adopt the Cup winner and the whole All Blacks team. They shall be declared officially Orstrayan and stand alongside Phar Lap and Lamingtons as great Australian inventions. But we're not giving up yet. 
Let us begin with what unites us with our Kiwis cuzzes. 
It's sport and alcohol. We love to have a beer with Duncan - 'cos Duncan's me mate - courtesy of Slim Dusty. The Enzedders have Kiwi-itis, courtesy of the folk song Rugby, Racing and Beer recorded by Rod Derrett??? in 1965.
But Aussies drink with a beer in each hand, while Kiwis - especially "real southern men" - only use the left paw, according to posters for Speight's brewery in Dunedin. Kiwis need the right hand free to prod the chest of anyone who disagrees with his or her views of rugby, of whom there are an abundance.
To see why Kiwis and Aussies booze on, British anthropologist Anne Fox visited 25 towns and cities in Australia and New Zealand across a variety of drinking occasions - and survived to tell the tale! Her study published in   January concluded that "the flip side of the Australian and New Zealand national character reveals darker features of hyper-masculinity with its attendant norms of male entitlement, pride, honour, competition, fighting, racism and misogyny".
OK, us both bad. But many Aussies tend to cherish their anti-establishment, convict background, whereas European Kiwis tend to like Poms and the church.
We love cobbers and Vegemite worms on Vitaweet; they like Chocolate Fush as well as Marmite and chup sandwiches. We have a chip on one shoulder; they have a chup on both.
More than 500,000 New Zealand-born people - about 75 per cent of the Kiwi diaspora - choose to live in Australia among Australians. About 70,000 Australians - 7 per cent of the  Aussie diaspora - choose to live in Enzed among Kiwis. Nuff said.
And Kiwis are self-delusional. They see themselves as better workers than Australians, according to a study by Bond University academics Alison Green and Mary Power published in the Australian Journal of Communication in 2006. Kiwis here regard Australia as safer, with less racial tensions. They see us as more honest and direct in our communications. Kiwis even regard us as being more positive, accepting and less judgmental.
Yet when the Kiwis coom over 'ere 'n take our jobs 'n collect our welfare n' smash our kids in rugby, a full 82 per cent of them still call themselves New Zealanders when travelling. Worst of all, only 6 per cent of Kiwis here said they supported Australia in sporting contests.
But let's not get too angry. Kiwis deserve our pity. They are on average more neurotic than Aussies, according to research led by OPRA Consulting Group psychologist Tamara Packman published in the New Zealand Journal of Psychology in 2005. The study found Australians more extroverted, conscientious, emotionally stable and enthusiastic than Kiwis, as well as being less neurotic and apprehensive.
And here's the killer. Kiwis have what amounts to a split personality, according to research led by Charles Sibley??? from University of Auckland and published in the New Zealand Journal of Psychology in 2011. They have an "Anglicised monocultural representation of what it means to be a true New Zealander, derived primarily from New Zealand European or Pakeha groups". That's marked by rugby/sporting culture, citizenship and ancestry. Then there's the other side that reflects "an inclusive recognition, albeit tokenised" of cultural/bicultural factors. Overall, Sibley et all found that, contrary to expectations, liberal/democratic values were the defining factor of New Zealandness. 
Fear not, though. Rugby/sporting culture came in a strong second. The top response from Kiwis in this section was they "like beer and rugby". The second was "enjoy sports", followed by "like rugby". Then the biggie: "feel a sense of rivalry with Australia".
There you have it. Kiwis speak weirdly. They are self-delusional about their work ethic. They are neurotic, apprehensive, obsessed with rugby and drink too much beer. They love Australians so much they come over here to live with us. Yet they refuse to accept that we are, in short, vastly superior human beings. As such a Wallaby victory is assured.
Such is life ???
astokes@fairfaxmedia.com.au