Allamagoosa . Eric Frank Russell . this is a story of a space-ship commander who faces an inspection by an Inspector of stores - and the Inspector is a Rear-Admiral who can not bear the thought of a space-ship that is short of even the most minute item of equipment . the commander discovers he is short of an offog . that is bad enough . but he himself does n&apos;t know what an offog is ! it was a long time since the Bustler had been so silent . she lay in the Sirian spaceport , her tubes cold , her shell particle-scarred , her air that of a long-distance runner exhausted at the end of a marathon . there was good reason for this : she had returned from a lengthy trip by no means devoid of troubles . now , in port , well-deserved rest had been gained if only temporarily . peace , sweet peace . no more bothers , no more crises , no more major upsets , no more dire predicaments such as crop up in free flight at least twice a day . just peace . hah ! Captain McNaught reposed in his cabin , feet up on desk , and enjoyed the relaxation to the utmost . the engines were dead , their hellish pounding absent for the first time in months . out there in the big city four hundred of his crew were making whoopee under a brilliant sun . this evening , when first Officer Gregory returned to take charge , he was going to go into the fragrant twilight to make the rounds of neon-lit civilization . that was the beauty of making landfall at long last . men could give way to themselves , blow off surplus steam , each according to his fashion . no duties , no worries , no dangers , no responsibilities in spaceport . a haven of safety and comfort for tired rovers . again , hah ! Burman , the chief radio officer , entered the cabin . he was one of the half-dozen remaining on duty and bore the expression of a man who can think of twenty better things to do . relayed signal just come in sir . handing the paper across he waited for the other to look at it and perhaps dictate a reply . taking the sheet McNaught removed the feet from his desk , sat erect and read the message aloud . Terran headquarters to Bustler . remain Siriport pending further orders . rear Admiral Vane W Cassidy due there seventeenth . Feldman . navy Op command . Sirisec . he looked up , all happiness gone from his leathery features . oh , Lord ! he groaned . something wrong ? asked Burman , vaguely alarmed . McNaught pointed at three thin books on his desk . the middle one . page twenty . leafing through it , Burman found an item that said : Vane W Cassidy , R-Ad . head Inspector ships and stores . Burman swallowed hard . does that mean - ? yes , it does , said McNaught without pleasure . back to training-college and all its rigmarole . paint and soap , spit and polish . he put on an officious expression , adopted a voice to match it . Captain , you have only seven-ninety-nine emergency rations . your allocation is eight hundred . nothing in your logbook accounts for the missing one . where is it ? what happened to it ? how is it that one of the men &apos;s kit lacks an officially-issued pair of suspenders ? did you report his loss ? why does he pick on us ? asked Burman , appalled . he &apos;s never chivvied us before . that &apos;s why , informed McNaught , scowling at the wall . it &apos;s our turn to be stretched across the barrel . his gaze found the calendar . we have three days - and we &apos;ll need &apos;em ! tell second Officer Pike to come here at once . Burman departed gloomily . in a short time Pike entered . his face reaffirmed the old adage that bad news travels fast . make out an indent , ordered McNaught , for one hundred gallons of plastic paint , navy-grey , approved quality . make out another for thirty gallons of interior white enamel . take them to spaceport stores right away . tell them to deliver by six this evening along with our correct issue of brushes and sprayers . grab up any cleaning material that &apos;s going for free . the men will n&apos;t like this , remarked Pike feebly . they &apos;re going to love it , McNaught asserted . a bright and shiny ship , all spic and span , is good for morale . it says so in the book . get moving and put those indents in . when you come back , find the stores and equipment sheets and bring them here . we &apos;ve got to check stocks before Cassidy arrives . once he &apos;s here we &apos;ll have no chance to make up shortages or smuggle out any extra items we happened to find on our hands . very well , sir . Pike went out wearing the same expression as Burman &apos;s . lying back in his chair McNaught muttered to himself . there was a feeling in his bones that something was sure to cause a last minute ruckus . a shortage on any item would be serious enough unless covered by a previous report . a surplus would be bad , very bad . the former implied carelessness or misfortune . the latter suggested barefaced theft of government property in circumstances condoned by the commander . for instance , there was the recent case of Williams of the heavy cruiser swift . he &apos;d heard of it over the spacevine when out around Bootes . Williams had been found in unwitting command of eleven reels of electric-fence wire when his official issue was ten . it had taken a court-martial to decide that the extra reel - which had formidable barter-value on a certain planet - had not been stolen from space-stores or , in sailor jargon , teleportated aboard . but Williams had been reprimanded . and that did not help promotion . he was still rumbling discontentedly when Pike returned bearing a folder of foolscap sheets . going to start right away , sir ? we &apos;ll have to . he heaved himself erect , mentally bidded good-bye to time off and a taste of the bright lights . it &apos;ll take long enough to work right through from bow to tail . I &apos;ll leave the men &apos;s kit inspections to the last . marching out of the cabin , he set forth towards the bow , Pike following with broody reluctance . as they passed the open main-lock Peaslake observed them , bounded eagerly up the gangway and joined behind . a pukka member of the crew , he was a large dog whose ancestors had been more enthusiastic than selective . he wore with pride a big collar inscribed : Peaslake - property of S.S Bustler . his chief duties , ably performed , were to keep alien rodents off the ship and , on rare occasions , smell out dangers not visible to human eyes . the three paraded forward , McNaught and Pike in the manner of men grimly sacrificing pleasure for the sake of duty , Peaslake with the panting willingness of one ready for any new game no matter what . reaching the bow-cabin , McNaught dumped himself in the pilot &apos;s seat , took the folder from the other . you know this stuff better than me - the chart room is where I shine . so I &apos;ll read them out while you look them over . he opened the folder , started on the front page . K1 . beam compass , type D , one of . check , said Pike . K2 . distance and direction indicator , electronic type JJ , one of . check . Peaslake planted his head in McNaught &apos;s lap , blinked soulfully and whined . he was beginning to get the others &apos; viewpoint . this tedious itemizing and checking was a hell of a game . McNaught consolingly lowered a hand and played with Peaslake &apos;s ears while he ploughed his way down the list . K187 . foam rubber cushions , pilot and co-pilot , one pair . check . by the time first Officer Gregory appeared they had reached the tiny intercom-cubby and poked around it in semi-darkness . Peaslake had long departed in disgust . M24 . spare minispeakers , three-inch type T2 , one set of six . check . looking in , Gregory popped his eyes and said , what the devil is going on ? major inspection due soon . McNaught glanced at his watch . go see if stores has delivered a load and if not why not . then you &apos;d better give me a hand and let Pike take a few hours off . does this mean land-leave is cancelled ? you bet it does - until after Hizonner has been and gone . he glanced at Pike . when you get into the city search around and send back any of the crew you can find . no arguments or excuses . it &apos;s an order . Pike registered unhappiness . Gregory glowered at him , went away , came back and said , stores will have the stuff here in twenty minutes &apos; time . with bad grace he watched Pike depart . M47 . intercom cable , woven-wire protected , three drums . check , said Gregory , mentally kicking himself for returning at the wrong time . the task continued until late in the evening , was resumed early next morning . by that time three-quarters of the men were hard at work inside and outside the vessel , doing their jobs as though sentenced to them for crimes contemplated but not yet committed . moving around the ship &apos;s corridors and catwalks had to be done crab-fashion , with a nervous sidewise edging . once again it was being demonstrated that the Terran life-form suffers from ye fear of wette paynt . the first smearer would have ten years willed off his unfortunate life . it was in these conditions , in mid-afternoon of the second day , that McNaught &apos;s bones proved their feelings had been prophetic . he recited the ninth page while Jean Blanchard confirmed the presence and actual existence of all items enumerated . two-thirds of the way down they hit the rocks , metaphorically speaking , and commenced to sink fast . McNaught said boredly , V1097 . drinking-bowl , enamel , one of . is zis , said Blanchard , tapping it . V1098 . offog , one . quoi ? asked Blanchard , staring . V1098 . offog , one , repeated McNaught . well , why are you looking thunderstruck ? this is the ship &apos;s galley . you &apos;re the head cook . you know what &apos;s supposed to be in the galley , do n&apos;t you ? where &apos;s this offog ? never hear of heem , said Blanchard , flatly . you must have done . it &apos;s on this equipment-sheet in plain , clear type . offog , one , it says . it was here when we were fitted-out four years ago . we checked it ourselves and signed for it . I signed for nossings called offog , Blanchard denied . in zee cuisine zere is no such sing . look ! McNaught scowled and showed him the sheet . Blanchard looked and sniffed disdainfully . I have here zee electronic oven , one of . I have jacketed boilers , graduated capacities , one set . I have bain marie pans , seex of . but no offog . never heard of heem . I do not know of heem . he spread his hands and shrugged . no offog . there &apos;s got to be , McNaught insisted . what &apos;s more , when Cassidy arrives there &apos;ll be hell to pay if there is n&apos;t . you find heem , Blanchard suggested . you got a certificate from the international Hotels School of cookery . you got a certificate from the Cordon Bleu College of cuisine . you got a certificate with three credits from the space-navy feeding centre , McNaught pointed out . all that - and you do n&apos;t know what an offog is . nom d&apos;un chien ! ejaculated Blanchard , waving his arms around . I tell you ten t&apos;ousand time zere is no offog . zere never was an offog . Escoffier heemself could not find zee offog of vich zere is none . am I a magician perhaps ? it &apos;s part of the culinary equipment , McNaught maintained . it must be because it &apos;s on page nine . and page nine means its proper home is in the galley , care of the head cook . like hail it does , Blanchard retorted . he pointed at a metal box on the wall . intercom booster . is zat mine ? McNaught thought it over , conceded , no , it &apos;s Burman &apos;s . his stuff rambles all over the ship . zen ask him for zis offog , said Blanchard , triumphantly . I will . if it &apos;s not yours it must be his . let &apos;s finish this checking first . his eyes sought the list . V1099 . inscribed collar , leather , brass studded , dog , for the use of . no need to look for that . I saw it myself five minutes ago . he ticked the item , continued , V1100 . sleeping basket , woven reed , one of . is zis , said Blanchard , kicking it into a corner . V1101 . cushion , foam rubber , to fit sleeping basket , one of . half of , Blanchard contradicted . in four years he have chewed away other half . maybe Cassidy will let us indent for a new one . 