no , you &apos;re a humanist - so am I - I think . words do n&apos;t seem to count where real feeling is concerned . you &apos;ll only be able to judge of what &apos;s happened by the way it turns out . and you must wait for that . I &apos;m so miserable - waiting &amp;hellip; she confessed with trembling lips . he swore roundly into his beard . listen Nan , our personal desires can go haywire at times . if we all followed our desire what kind of a world would we live in ? crime , disease , misery - no end to it . there has to be law and order - and basically we make our own . try not to worry so much . would you like me to have a word with Stuart ? she started up wildly . no . no . no . keep out in this , Doc . you promised &amp;hellip; . I &apos;ll never forgive you if you speak of it to anyone &amp;hellip; . you can trust me . I would n&apos;t care to tackle a man on such an issue . it would be interesting to hear what he is thinking right now . oh , he &apos;ll be congratulating himself on a lucky escape , she said bitterly . in spite of or because of the confession Nan was feeling better . Doctor Benson had almost forced it from her , and she knew that he was right , in spite of wilful desire to hug her unhappiness to her bosom . his reasoning had given her another train of thought . he went to the cupboard where he mixed them both a drink . drink this , Nan - and chin up . what can n&apos;t be cured must be endured . you &apos;ll survive . a more unfeeling remark would be hard to find . ugh ! whisky . I hate the stuff . I do n&apos;t know how you can drink it , Doc . she drained the glass however , and handed it back to him , before uncrossing her legs and going to him . thank you for everything . I think I get the general impression . I &apos;m still miserable though . they exchanged smiles . it &apos;ll stop - in time . and if it does n&apos;t you &apos;ll learn to live with it . he sat down by the open window , while Nan went upstairs . she thought of his words . he knew their truth as few could do . she remembered the war , when he had his hand on the door of his home when the bomb fell , taking with it all he held dear . his wife , his child , and the child to be born - and he had n&apos;t sought solace elsewhere . he &apos;d learned to live with pain . I &apos;d say he was happy - most of the time , she mused . was that because , having made his choice - he stayed with it , as he had advised her to do ? chapter nine . Nan woke at dawn prompted by a memory that eluded her at first . she got up and dressed , and stood by her window , gazing out across the garden to the road , and beyond that the beach . in the early light the sands appeared lifeless , ugly , dark . the birds had started their dawn chorus and it may have been this that had wakened her . her gaze swivelled towards the yacht , standing far out to sea like a graceful gull riding the waves . near at hand was Jimmy &apos;s small rowing boat to which he had recently attached an outboard motor . she could hear the chugging distinctly in the quietness . two men were aboard &amp;hellip; Stuart and Jimmy . she watched them for some time , seeing their absorbing interest in what they were doing . lobster would figure prominently on the menu at the yacht today . yet Stuart was after more than lobster fishing , Nan knew . he was too big a man to waste time on anyone without sufficient reason . Doc had only judged from what she had told him , yet the other side the story went so much deeper . there could be no sharp division as one believed when one was young . Nan saw that now . the judging must come from one &apos;s own experience , one &apos;s own conscience , and understanding . what the world thought did n&apos;t matter . she saw one of the clumsy-looking lobster pots being hauled on board and its contents taken out . this was repeated several times and she tired of watching . she would have given much to know the conversation between the two men as they worked . all day she worked , keeping thought at bay , trying to win back to tranquility . the old house shone with the extra polishing for which she found time . Mrs B was washing , hanging out the clothes on the line in the back garden , revelling in the soft breeze that had sprung up . Nan worked herself to a standstill . when night came she was thankful to relax . Charles and Doctor Benson were both absent from the house for it was always a busy time for them when so many visitors flocked to the village . their surgeries were packed , making their calls later and later in the day . Jimmy brought two lobsters , dressed ready for the table . Nan laughed when she saw them . I saw you out on the water at dawn , she told him . yes , Mr Maxwell was keen . he &apos;s done deep sea fishing in Bermuda , Alaska , all over the world . so it was of that they talked ? Nan waited , putting the lobster on a dish . they are fine ones , Jimmy . yes , I &apos;m taking on that job , Nan . he looked at her expectantly . are you ? she turned away . are you glad about it ? yes , it &apos;s a step in the right direction for me . Maxwell is a fine chap . he says he &apos;ll help me a lot if I &apos;ll stick with him . he says it will be permanent too . he wants me right away . I &apos;m boarding the yacht tonight . oh , no Jimmy &amp;hellip; . she was aghast at this . sorry ? he asked teasingly . yes . I &apos;ll miss you . his face changed its expression . I &apos;ll miss you , Nan , but it will n&apos;t be for long . I promise that . I &apos;ll be home every chance I get . let &apos;s have a walk , Nan &amp;hellip; it &apos;s our last chance for a while . they spent an hour together , talking nostalgically as they wandered slowly down the coast road to the village . Nan felt hedged in by sadness which she tried to dispel for Jimmy &apos;s sake . it was only later that she realised that he might have misunderstood her sad mood , taking it to himself . he would think she was sad at his going . when they returned to the house he stopped her with a gentle force she could not withstand . Nan - you &apos;ll wait ? promise you &apos;ll wait . I would n&apos;t go if I thought otherwise . it &apos;s real with me . oh , Jimmy , I can n&apos;t promise . I wish I could . I wish I knew . she sighed against him . try to forget about me . you &apos;ll meet lots of other girls . why has it to be me , Jimmy ? there &apos;s no one to hold a candle to you , Nan . he whispered the words for he was always shy of expressing his feelings . you &apos;re beautiful and strong and &amp;hellip; the girl I want . do n&apos;t be hurt , Jimmy ; I can n&apos;t be tied down yet . will you give me a definite answer at Christmas ? that was what Charles had said - that it had to be yes or no with Jimmy . he could n&apos;t understand her hesitation . she felt his eagerness and was sorry because the failure was within herself . she returned his kiss because that was all she had to give . yes , I promise I &apos;ll give you an answer then . you may be the one to feel glad that I did n&apos;t promise . you may meet someone else . no . we &apos;ve known each other too long for that . perhaps too long , Jimmy . think of me . yes . now , you &apos;d better go . good night - and good-bye &amp;hellip; Jimmy &amp;hellip; . he left her abruptly . she heard his footsteps on the road , brisk , sure of himself , and where he was going . she turned back to the dark house , where only the light above the surgery door showed like a pool . Stuart stepped into that light , making her start for she had not known there was anyone near . he must have stayed in the shadows until he heard Jimmy leaving . there was a moment of silence , hard to break . Nan felt as if her breath had run out at the top of her head , leaving her suspended , her lungs helpless . saying good-bye to Jimmy ? Stuart said . you saw for yourself , she was thankful when her voice followed her will . why did n&apos;t you speak sooner ? I did n&apos;t want to spoil your last tender moments together . she let this pass because she hated him when he sneered . I &apos;ve been waiting for over an hour , cruising around on my own in the car , then I knew you must return sometime . where have you been ? surely that is my affair . answer me . we went for a last walk together - just talking . any reason why we should n&apos;t ? she went ahead of him into the house , switching on all the lights as she went . there could n&apos;t be too much light at that moment and she prayed that either Doc or Charles would come soon . Stuart followed her . not any reason . Charles is with Hilary - bidding her good-bye for a while . this kind of thing is contagious . I hate it when you sneer about Charles and Hilary . I was n&apos;t sneering . I &apos;m just jealous as hell &amp;hellip; . she gave him a disbelieving look . please - do you mind ? and while we are alone , will you tell me the real reason why you gave Jimmy that job ? to get him away from here . I thought so . it will n&apos;t make any difference . I gathered you were making him wait - too &amp;hellip; . the inference was not lost on her and she flushed hotly . who told you so ? he did , or words to that effect . she turned her shoulder , offended in a way she could not explain even to herself . had n&apos;t you better go ? I too , came to say good-bye . I told you it was catching . we rather missed out on that yesterday . your fault . thank you for the flowers by the way . they are very beautiful , but you need n&apos;t have gone to so much trouble . I was pleased to give Brownie the goldfish on her own account . oh , I did n&apos;t send the flowers for that reason . no ? how is she , by the way ? in robust health as usual . Mrs Tyler is finding it a bit of a strain looking after her on deck . I &apos;m sure . she is such an active child . so - it &apos;s good-bye , Nan . you made me angry but I &apos;m over that now . I hope you have forgiven me . quite , she agreed quickly . then we could do the job properly perhaps . she moved across the room . no . scared ? the jibe came softly . I think I am . her compliance closed the way to him completely . you do n&apos;t trust me . good-bye Stuart . I hope you enjoy the remainder of your trip . he thrust both hands in his pockets and lounged closer , a pulse beating intermittently in his temple . I &apos;m taking Brownie back home , then going to America . I &apos;ll be away some time , Nan . this is something I must do . she wondered why he was at such pains to explain his movements . it had nothing to do with her . he could go round the world and she would not care - much . she glanced secretly at the clock , wondering how to get him out of the house . she felt uncomfortable as she stood with her hands on the back of the old chair . would you like some coffee ? she offered , hoping he would not accept . thank you . that would be nice . I will n&apos;t be long . when she reached the kitchen he was close behind her . he watched as she measured the coffee , and she wished she had a fund of small talk with which to keep him entertained . it was obvious that he had come to say more than good-bye . I left something in the car , he said , and went out the back way . while he was absent she prepared the tray with cups and saucers and sugar . if only he &apos;d go &amp;hellip; she thought desperately . the ordeal was more than she could bear at that moment . the peace she had gained in Jimmy &apos;s company was fast being dispelled . 